


After Hong Kong

by FrangipaniFlower



Series: Hong Kong [2]
Category: Homeland
Genre: AU, Angst & Romance, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, First Sex, First Time, Happy Ending, Healing, Smut and Fluff and fuck canon, teenage love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 127,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrangipaniFlower/pseuds/FrangipaniFlower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CHAPTER 18 is new!</p><p>The aftermath of the visit of Quinn’s mother. Just Quinn and Carrie with a brief appearance of Frank.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><i>It was a magical night, she thought, their plans marking the threshold to a new phase of their relationship. That they suddenly <i>could</i> make plans. That they were talking about the future and not the past. And that it would be just them, for four weeks, travelling through Europe and being together, making memories. She smiled when she thought how they‘d speak about it a few years later, their first real vacation together. Quinn looked at her that moment and seeing her so content made him feel a tingling sensation deep inside. He didn’t ask what she was thinking about because he thought he knew. But he stopped and pulled her in for another kiss, long and lingering, both of them indulging in anticipation as they were going to have all night together. </i><br/> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was October til he saw her again. But knowing she was still there made it easier when things got tough. He saved memorizing his hours with her always for the last hour before he fell asleep, only then he thought about her, how they talked, what she said, how her hand felt, how it felt to kiss her. That was the best part. Or maybe when she slept in his arm. So peaceful. Like she belonged there.

Nobody had ever belonged to him.

At least not since his grandma had died and he'd found her in her bed that one morning.

And he thought about her last words "I'm here. I'll wait.". He never doubted that, she was not that kind of girl.

Frank came to visit him every week. He was placed in Baltimore JDC til his hearing six weeks later and somehow - as there was no one else to visit anyway - Frank had managed to get a visitor's permission despite the fact they weren't relatives. Visiting hours didn't deserve the name as they were just 30 minutes but he was always grateful when he saw the kind man. They spoke about the Orioles, his attempt to go to school again, the JDC had a program he was allowed to visit, and he told Frank how they made him to see a psychologist and social worker and made him attend group sessions.

They spoke about Carrie, but just briefly.

"She's asking how you are", Frank told him during his first visit, "what do you want me to tell her? She won't buy a nice lie though."

 _No, she won't_ , Quinn thought, feeling an unknown and welcome warmth flowing through his veins at the sheer mention of her name.

"Tell her, I'm okay. I did the right thing. With your help."

"You wanna see her again, huh?"

"If that's what she wants, yes."

"I think you don't need to have any worries about that."

He really was determined not to fuck it up this time, sticked to all rules and regulations. Because this was no place he wanted to have to stay. Frank was confident that wouldn't happen. Indeed his friend was supporting him as his lawyer now and Frank was positive about this making a difference, the alternative being a assigned counsel whom he might never meet. His lawyer, Tom was his name, also came to see him several times and Quinn was amazed by the men's kindness who both invested serious amounts of time to help him.

Although his current whereabouts had been reported to his parents, Frank had made sure of that despite they had lost their legal parenting rights a while ago, they didn't come. It was no surprise but it still hurt. He tried not to think about it.

The best part about Frank's visit happened always a day or two later. Frank was allowed to deliver a book and a letter with a member of staff when he came and once they'd checked the items he got these for his personal use.

So each week Carrie picked a book for him and wrote a letter. Frank had explained her not to get too personal as there was no privacy in his current life so she just wrote bits and pieces about what she did these days, the books she read and random other things. Usually she wrote a few lines every day, he could see that as she often used different pens on different days, after a while he noticed there was a system, each week day having its own colour, and picturing how she thought about him every day enough to sit down and write a few lines, sometimes half a page, made him very happy.

And she was good in developing a kind of code, always delivering a hint in the letter or choice of book, perfectly innocent for someone who didn't know about their adventure in Hong Kong. The first book she sent him was Nathan The Wise. Then it was irish fairytales. In one of her letters she wrote about her vacation to Hong Kong with her father and sister and how much she had liked using the ferry, especially at night. Once he received a mandarin dictionary, quill and indian ink.

After the first two weeks he was allowed to send one letter a week. And of course he wanted to write because it was being in touch with her. Knowing these letters would probably be read before getting posted made it difficult. How could he write something down just for her when someone else was going to read it before she got it? So he wrote about the books, the ones she sent and the ones he picked from the library, but asked Frank to apologize to her for that non-letters.

He noticed how routine and especially being back to school were helping him to calm down, although the thought to have to stay at the JDC for an extended period of time scared him. He missed being outside and being alone.

And he was so very much hoping he could see Carrie again.

They made him talk about her, among other stuff, during group sessions and in his appointments with his psychologist and social worker. Both Frank and Tom had stressed how important it was that he spoke with those people about whatever topic they wanted him to adressed. They all would be asked for expert opinions and prognosis and the better they got to knew him the better they would be able to assess and help him. He was willing to go great length fot not being stuck at JDC for longer but those sessions were hard. Talking about Carrie wasn't that hard, he liked her, he missed her, he wished he could see her again, he could say that, talking about his parents was what was really difficult. But he tried.

When the day of his hearing came Frank arrived early and brought him some new clothes including a parka. It was fall now. He hadn't noticed yet.

They had discussed his potential options with Tom and Quinn had said he would make no requests just not back to his last foster home, and wherever they were going to put him he would like to go to school. Tom and Frank were both very sure he'd not have to stay at the JDC for any longer as he was a first time inmate and hadn't committed any aggravated felonies, with a lot of his misdeeds being status offences.

In the end it was a quick affair, less than an hour. The judge was a stern but nice elderly woman, listening to experts who had seen him over the last weeks, his social worker from his last foster home, his case officer from social welfare and his lawyer. She asked him a couple of questions which he answered honestly hoping to be able to convey how serious he was about really wanting to change.

And she believed him. No JDC. Instead he would have to participate on a 90 day wilderness program for youths experiencing their first time committment called Mountain Quest, run by the Maryland Department of Juvenile Service Education, somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Afterwards he would finish the school year til next summer in Green Ridge Youth Center in Flintstone. That was where he would go that afternoon, spending a few days there before his Mountain Quest program started. The judge pointed out how it was a very open enviroment compared to other facilities and centers as the experts had been agreed on his good conduct and positive prognosis. Of course with strict rules, a set daily routine, nightly lock in, curfew and everything but very different compared to the JDC he'd spent the last six weeks in.

After that year, social welfare would find a new place for him, being eighteen then he could be placed in a group home then. But first and foremost, the judge said, he needed a change of enviroment, a set structure and time to reconsider and people to help him with that. If he'd finish those ten months til coming August without any further violations of conditions, "and by that I mean even minor violations like status offences, missing a curfew or not attending class" the judge had pointed out, he wouldn't get a criminal record and could start with a clean slate.

"So, don't disappoint me. You took the last exit from a dangerous road. I don't wanna see you again, Mr Foley", the judge closed the hearing.

"You won't, mam, I promise."

And that was it. Tom would drive him to Flintstone and he just needed to collect his stuff from the JDC.

When they left the room Frank hugged him tightly, saying how glad he was. Quinn asked him if he thought he could call Carrie, knowing he wouldn't be allowed to call anybody over that 90 days program, maybe even longer.

"I was just going to tell you. Someone's waiting for you in the park opposite the court house. First bench on the left. And yes, the judge knows it and granted you some hours off. You and Tom need to leave by 3. Let's meet here at the main entrance and go for lunch at 1.30. Off you go. She's waiting for you."

_She is here._

It took him all restraint he could muster not to run down the stairs and over the road but his steps were long and fast. It was a beautiful autumn day, the sun still powerful enough to warm the days when the usual coastal morning mist was gone, but the leaves were already coloured in all kinds of red and yellow. He had missed being outside. She stood up when she saw him and he took a moment to take her in while walking over to her. She was wearing jeans, a white plain t-shirt and a thick blue cardigan, her hair was shining in the sun and she smiled.

Just a few steps and he was with her, feeling awkward and happy at the same time, wondering what would be an appropriate way to greet her, wishing to kiss her and to hold her, wondering if he still could do this, if it still would be like this, he was sure about himself but what about her?

And suddenly it was easy. She made two steps forward too and met him halfway, they stood close, facing each other and he felt her hand in his, fingers interlacing and he smiled down to her and her mouth was as soft as he'd remembered it. It was a short, shy and sweet kiss, and he told himself never to forget how young she still was, how this was all new for her, never to rush things with her, always to read her signs and to make it right for her. Whenever and whatever that might be, given his situation.

He gave her another kiss, equally short, and pulled her into an embrace with his free arm, feeling how her cheek rested against his chest.

He couldn't see her smile as she heard his elevated heartbeat but he felt her heart beating a rapid clip against his belly. And for that moment it all vanished, the last six weeks, the verdict, what lay ahead of him didn't matter, it was just about seeing her again and knowing that nothing had changed.

In the years to come he often thought back to that moment because it was a first one of many yet to come. Whenever they were seperated and saw each other again there was always a moment like this - when everything else vanished. Sometimes right away, sometimes it took them a while, but they always got there and he loved those moments. Later they learnt to talk about these things and then he knew how it was the same for her.

They went on a walk, holding hands, away from the street towards the waterfront and both smiled when they spotted one of the blue-roofed water taxis, remembering their ferry rides in Hong Kong.

He told her about his whereabouts for the following months and was relieved when she was supportive and calm about it, sensing Frank's hand behind finding that Mountain Quest program as Carrie already knew about it.

"You like being outside?"

"Yeah. Always did. When I lived with my grandma she always said I should've been born and raised in the woods because I was always outside."

"So going there now is a good thing?"

"Considering the alternatives, yeah, it is a good thing."

"How d'you feel about it?"

"Relieved. Excited. Scared. All of that."

She had stopped at a park bench under a large oak tree and looked at him while they sat down.

And again it was difficult to talk about it but they had only those mere two hours and he really wanted her to know. And he needed to know what she would say.

"Carrie, that you're here and your letters and all this, it means a lot to me. And I really would like to...go on with what we have...but I'll be away...for a long time and..."

"And?"

"You sure you want this? Cause I want it, more than anything, but I absolutely get it if you make up your mind. I don't want you to...Just...say so..."

It was out. And he hoped she'd not make up her mind. She still looked at him as if searching for something.

"But you want...this?", her eyes left his face now, down to her shoes, "With me?"

"Yeah, that's what I want. With you. More than anything." He touched her chin and carefully turned her back into his direction, searching and finding her eyes again.

_Cause I'm falling in love with you, Carrie._

"Good. Because I didn't come to tell you I'm done. Quite the opposite, I so much wanted to see you."

And suddenly he needed no more words. He pulled her close and kissed her again, lingering this time, his hand supporting her at her nape and after a while of softly exploring her mouth with his finally gently parting her lips with his tongue.

After hesitating for a brief second he felt her relaxing into his touch and opening her mouth for him, her tongue meeting with his. He gently probed and explored, she tasted sweet with a hint of peppermint, allowing his hands to wander down from her nape to her shoulders and from there down her arms to her back, softly rubbing and caressing her through the thick wool of her cardigan. She let a soft sigh but didn't break the kiss and so didn't he.

There were just those two hours now and as far as he was concerned he'd be willing to use every single minute exactly like this. So that kiss went on and he moved one of his hands from he back to her neck, fondling the soft skin he found there and tracing the v-neckline of her shirt with one finger, just a soft elusive touch.

Carrie pulled back a bit a broke the kiss.

"Too much, too soon? Just tell me. Look, I'm sorry, I..."

"No. No, just...new...but good new...but still new..."

"C'mere." He wrapped one arm around her and lifted her up a bit to pull her sitting squarely in his lap. Once seated she rested against his chest, head on his shoulder and he held her in a close embrace with one arm.

"Too close for being in public?"

"No. There's nobody around anyway."

"I guess that's the advantage of dating in a park on a weekday morning."

"Is this what it is? A date?"

"No. Yes. It should be different. But I'll be gone for some time. And I really...I...that kiss...felt good...I like kissing you...because I like you. A lot, Carrie."

He saw her blushing but she held his glance, her eyes blue and wide open and she smiled. So he pulled her close for another kiss which she interrupted after a few seconds, murmuring "I really like you too" against his lips. He wasn't prepared for the rush of endorphines that caused, suddenly knowing how the hardest part of the next months would be not to be allowed to see her and to talk to her.

A bit later he dared to slip a hand under her cardigan and to caress her back through the much thinner fabric of her shirt, feeling the warmth of her body under his hand, knowing that this was enough for today. She gasped when his hand brushed over a small naked area of her skin on her back where the hem of her shirt had slid upwards so he quickly moved his hand away.

"It's...okay...you...I mean, you can..."

"There's time, Carrie. I won't rush you. I can't rush you", he tried to joke but a look in her face told him this was not a time for joking. "Hey, no tears, okay? I...I'm sorry...I don't want you to cry. Carrie, please, talk to me. What is it?"

"It's just...I suddenly realized you'll be gone a long time. After I just got you back. But that's okay." She was looking away now.

"No, that's not okay. But that's my mess. And I had it coming. For quite a long time actually."

"Do you regret...coming back?"

"And not finishing my supposed task in Hong Kong? Fuck, no. Sorry. No. Carrie, never ever did I regret that. Not one second. And I promise to do everything I have to to be allowed to write or to call. It still might take a while though. That's how these things work. They take away everything from you, you are a nobody and then when you behave..."

"Hey. Stop. You're not...a nobody...not to me. I'm here. I'll wait. And I'll write."

And this time it was her wrapping him in a tight embrace, pulling him close to her petite frame, and he gave in and leant into her. That was new. Being someone's most important person, being allowed to be weak, being wanted and understood.

And as much as he had learnt to be careful and not to trust too much or to put too many hopes into anybody during all those years, here with her it was again like in Hong Kong - no need to hide, she could see right into him and it was okay. Actually more than just okay. He wanted her to see him.

"I'll come to see you as soon as you are allowed to have a visitor. It's just a few months. And I'll keep writing every day. Just tell me when they stop checking your letters because...", her voice trailed off.

"What would you wanna write then?" That was something he really wanted to know now.

"That's for me to know and for you to find out", she laughed and got up, intending to walk down to the harbour. But he got up, caught her hand and pulled he back close. He was not ready to let her go. So he sat against the trunk of the oak behind them, pulling her between his knees.

"They'll probably make me walk 20 miles each day for the next three months and hunt for food or eat worms, no walk now. This is how I wanna spend this hour", his eyes locked with hers and were searching for permission and she felt her heart beat elevating.

She had never experienced to be _that_ person for someone but the way he looked at her made her feel precious. So when his warm hand came at the back of her nape it was just natural that she met him halfway to receive his kiss and this time she didn't mind to feel his hand to brush over that bit of bare skin at her back when he slid it back under her cardigan, quite the opposite, it was exciting. Of course she had often thought about those kisses in the plane and how it would be to get more of these, with a bit more time and a bit more knowing each other.

And now she had her answer. _It feels so good. So very good._

It took them a while before they came up for air, carried away by the new and overwhelming closeness and tenderness. He stretched on the lawn under the tree, pulling her next to him.

"You know, without all my shit and Hong Kong I'd never met you."

"So no hard feelings?"

"A lot, I guess. About various topics. Prefer to think about these not too often. But not about you. Not about finding you in Hong Kong. Just in time."

They both knew what he was referring to but wouldn't deepen the topic, there was no need to spend precious minutes on that memory.

They had to head back in a few minutes but neither of them was willing to give the unevitable any room yet.

"I thought about you every night."

It was a sweet confession and her honesty made his heart ache from joy and made him hope he would never disappoint her trust in him.

"You think, you can keep doing that? I'll thought about you every night too. And I'd like going on with it. You think we can do that?"

"Every night? Before bedtime then?"

"Yeah. Every night. What do you wanna think about then?"

"This, here, now."

He squeezed her hand, searching her mouth for another kiss, in a desperate attempt not to let the bittersweetness of parting prevail.

"What do you wanna think about?"

"Seeing you again. Taking you on a real date. And this."

And he kissed her one last time, enjoying the feeling of her hair tickling his neck and her hand searching and finding his.

They walked back soon afterwards and Frank couldn't surpress a smile when he saw his daughter's cardigan holding several blades of grass. Not without amusement he saw how Quinn and she were holding hands until they reached their meeting point but then let go when they saw him. He hadn't expected them to reveal any kind of public display of affection, knowing how private his daughter generally was. But it filled his heart with joy to see his daughter's radiant smile.

With that boy she was opening up and that was probably a good thing. She even had started talking recently with Frank about her difficulties to connect with other people, asking him if he felt the same, and had told him with a shy smile how different it was with Quinn. Knowing how excruciating building and maintaining relationships for a bipolar person could be he had sworn to himself to help her to keep that thing going and never to interfere with her choice as long as Quinn kept treating her the way she deserved it.

He liked the young man who hadn't been treated fairly when the grand maker had handed out chances and luck but still had managed to grow into a decent chap and Frank had no doubts that he'd find his way now as he had people around him who cared.

So he would keep having an eye on him, he would have done so anyway regarless of Carrie's shy but obvious affection. But given that his youngest had made a choice his motivation was even higher. He'd seen many kids in his nearly 25 years of being a teacher. Some of those had lost their tracks during adolescence or even before although that was rare, some had had to deal with difficult circumstances, but he had learnt one thing: no child was a lost cause as long there was someone who really cared and no kid was born evil.

Being more or less locked away for almost a year was a harsh verdict and reflected both the tenure of Quinn's long way down as well as the state's zero tolerance policy towards juvenile crime. He could steam and rant for hours about the hypocrisy of a society which didn't care for kids in need, didn't manage to set up a decent care system for foster kids and orphans but was quick to lash out when the said kids go astray and become a flight risk.

But he was glad that Tom had managed to have Quinn transferred into an educational center instead of having him to spend an extended period of time at the JDC. He had endured the last six weeks with the silent stoicism of someone who didn't expect too much from life, an attitude which had scared Frank and had made him feel a surge of sympathy whenever he came to visit.

Being in a small group with other teenagers who weren't too far down the road to juvenile deliquency, being supervised by social workers who were used to work with kids like him and a fresh start in a new enviroment and new school would hopefully soften the harshness of the sentence and he was glad that the judge had agreed into the wilderness program one of his colleague had pointed him to. Being outdoors, demanding tasks ahead of him and a physical challenging program would hopefully do him good. Even if that meant he couldn't see any familiar faces for those 90 days.

Frank had been shaken to the bones when he'd heard how the parents simply refused to see their son or to play any role in his life. Obviously they never had, he'd lived with his grandmother, but still...the father in him just couldn't understand. But he didn't understand Ellen either. Leaving a husband with a disorder behind was one cup of tea, leaving two daughters behind was clearly a different story and whereas he had learnt to cope with his sadness, seeing Carrie's and Maggie's grief broke his heart.

Maggie had learnt to life with it and she had Bill and her girlfriends helping her, but Carrie...she never spoke about it. Not once since she had been allowed to leave the hospital.

"Dad, what are you having?"

It was Carrie's voice which pulled him out of his musings. Tom had lead them into a small italian restaurant where they were about to order lunch but he had lost himself in his thoughts.

Still it was a nice hour and a half they shared, most of the conversation engrossed by Tom and Frank while Carrie and Quinn listened and joined every now and then. Their knees touched under the table and every now and then Carrie felt his large hand resting for a second on her leg just above the knee. After a while she felt comfortable enough to casually let one hand wander beneath the table and to put it on his hand. Quinn gave a her a small smile, she loved to see those dimples, and then his hand stayed.

But too soon it was time to leave.

"Carrie, why don't you two go to the car and collect the bag with Quinn's stuff I picked up at the JDC and put it in Tom's car? We'll have a coffee and join you then."

Touched by her father's gentle try to give her and Quinn a moment for good-bye Carrie gave him a quick hug.

It wasn't that Quinn owned much so it was just one bag they quickly put into the other car's trunk, a brief affair of seconds.

And then it was time for good-bye.

Carrie felt her eyes filling with tears but tried to swallow them back. This was supposed to be a good day and she had promised her Dad not to make it harder for Quinn, that had been the prerequisite to be allowed to come here today. So she nestled herself against his chest, feeling his arms closing around her, no matter they were in public.

"That was the best day I had in a very very long time", he muttered as his mouth brushed over her ear and he placed a soft kiss on her temple. "Thank you for coming. I promise to take you on a real date as soon as I can."

"I don't need that. I really don't. Just stay out of trouble so I can see you soon, will you?"

"Consider me motivated now. And there _will_ be a real date next time. Hey, no tears, uhm? Please. No tears. This is a good day. It's the day I was allowed to really kiss you for the first time. This is what I want us to remember."

And that's what he did then, again. He didn't let go of her and she wondered how he did that, that she felt so good with him. She sighed against his mouth when his tongue gently parted her lips and met hers and following a sudden urge, forgetting about self-consciousness, she pressed herself closer into his embrace.

"I'll miss you...and that...", she murmured, feeling herself blushing. She couldn't believe she had said that.

He held her tight for a few more seconds, she felt his lips at her ear now, then nuzzling the skin under her earlobe which gave her shivers down her back, in a way she'd never felt before.

"You like that? There will be more. Much more, if you want that. Just wait for me, will you promise me that?"

And like last time she promised "I'm here. I'll wait. Good luck."

She knew he remembered when she felt him chuckling and it was a terrific and exciting feeling to be so close to feel the laughter against her chest instead of just hearing it.

He left a minute later, after a brief hug from Frank who then put an arm around Carrie's shoulder.

"You're a brave girl, Carrie, and I'm very proud of you. And now let's go home, he'll be fine."

 

That night, like in many nights to come, she revisited the memory of how it had felt to kiss him and hoped he sticked to their promise and thought about the same.

Of course he did.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After six weeks in the mountains Quinn's allowed to make a call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no other excuse for this as that watching the news these days makes me so sad that I needed a place where sweetness rules. If 2016-news were a session of a TV series I'd stop watching.

He was allowed to call her the day before Christmas.

The first nearly five out of the six weeks since he'd seen her the last time he was under a no contact-policy, which had included writing and receiving letters. Well, he could write but had barely time for it and wasn't allowed to post letters. 

He was worried because he couldn't even let her know why he wasn't in contact and just hoped she'd figure out herself. 

His days were physically demanding. They were a group of ten boys between thirteen and eighteen, all first time committed, and spent the days and a lot of the nights in the mountains and forests around the centre, long hikes, day and night, trail building and maitenance, orienteering hikes and - as autumn moved into winter and the snow came - snow shoeing and trail skiing. Making fire, preparing the outdoor cookers for cooking as well as the cooking itself were time-consuming tasks and so was the washing up. They spent a lot of nights outside, often went on hikes which took multiple days, only around Christmas when a stormfront coming from the eastern seabord brought tons of snow and bone freezing nights their group leader decided it was time for a few nights in a row inside. Usually they used a wooden shelter as basecamp and often spent rainy or cold nights there but as the weather was supposed to be really heavy they decended down to the centre.

Quinn loved being outside. Hiking, camp building, preparing food or chopping wood were tasks he enjoyed. He liked getting up early when the forest and mountains were still dark and to walk over to the stream or the lake close to where they had their camp for that night and to dive into the icecold water. It made him feel alive in a way he hadn't felt for years.

There were expectations he didn't find so easy to fulfill as the duties the other members of the group and he had in terms of cooking and basic house keeping. Their group was led by a social worker and a psychologist who were with them 24/7. And they had the clear expectation that they talked. Not all the time, during the hikes he had long hours he could spend with himself or with talking with the other boys after he'd made some friends but there were morning and evening circles and attending those was mandatory. Plus group sessions about topics like social development, anger management, communication skills and family issues. And as if those weren't enough one on one sessions about those topics too. There was no ducking away, they made him talk. Other than with previous therapy attempts time wasn't an issue here, a session wasn't scheduled for an hour and then the social worker had to be with someone else - no, the guy was always there and if it took him five hours to get him where he wanted him he didn't mind. Which probably was part of the idea of the program, Quinn figured, much to his dismay.

Every couple of days they had to spend a day or two in their base camp and to work on their respective workbooks for school. On those days they had to write journals about self-reflective questions as well. The entries were discussed in the exclusive sittings with the psychologist or social worker. Quinn thought one probably didn't need a PhD to focus on his non existent relationship with his parents and his grandmother's death. And that's what they did, along with other cheerful topics.

He tried to play it down but that didn't work. And in the end he gave in and talked, reluctantly, but he talked. About his anger, about that morning when he'd found his grandma, about never having felt home anywhere since then, about never being wanted in this parents' life, about the few non-happy encounters he'd had with them over the years including some broken ribs, after he'd been with them for a brief few weeks right after nana's death.

A week before Christmas they asked him if he'd any wish for Christmas. First he didn't say anything but the social worker, Mike was his name, insisted, saying he was sure there was a thing. They sat by the fire during that talk, it was late at night, everybody else was already wrapped up in sleeping bags. He hadn't talked about Carrie to anybody yet, not for any specific reason but nobody had asked and even when some of the other boys had bragged about their girlfriends and experiences he hadn't felt like joining the choir at all. Carrie was his cocoon where he went every night, he remembered their promise to think of each other before bedtime well. Often he managed to drift away into sleep with her in his mind. 

Sometimes he allowed himself to wish she'd be with him. Of course not in the camp with nine other teenagers, god no, but the two of them alone somewhere on a hike, sleeping outside, going for a swim or snuggling in his sleeping bag. Or first going for a swim and then snuggling to warm up. That would be the most perfect day he could think of. She never had a sleeping bag of her own in his daydreams, and he thought that was a minor detail. 

Of course he imagined being allowed to caress her soft curves. Not that he had seen very much when she had been wearing that blue woolen cardigan but he had sensed her waistline when rubbing her back and he'd felt the soft roundness of her small breasts against his chest when she'd pressed herself into his arms during their good bye. And he'd seen her long legs in Hong Kong when she'd been wearing a dress.

How that might feel, to be allowed to touch her, maybe even undress her and see her while caressing her? Brushing over that small area of warm naked skin had been exciting, and of course only the first time had been an accident and then he hadn't been able to resist to try it once more. And her reaction had been cute and encouraging. But it would require time and trust to go further with her - being stuck here without even being allowed to send a letter wasn't helpful at all.

But that wasn't all he thought about in those hours before falling asleep. Quite often he imagined to talk with her, to make her laugh, to talk about the books they read, or even tell her about his parents, and then she would fall asleep in his arms like she had in plane.

Mostly thinking of Carrie made him happy, just sometimes some doubts sneaked in his thoughts. What was he thinking, why should she wait for weeks and months for him and even if she did what would happen then - time would tell where they'd place him in summer and maybe he would be able to see her once a month, twice if he was lucky, would that be enough? But mostly he didn't think about it but focused on the happier daydreams.

So that night by the fire Mike gave him a small stash of paper, he'd been down to the centre that day.

"You got a lot of mail."

Quinn just shrugged, hoping they'd be done soon so he could go to bed and read the letters.

"Who's writing you?"

"As if you hadn't checked and wouldn't know."

"I'd like you to tell me."

"Carrie. My..."

"Your?"

He wouldn't stop without a satisfying answer, Quinn knew that from previous experience.

"She's...my girlfriend."

"Why did you never talk about her yet?"

"Dunno. It's not that...I mean, it's not a secret. Her dad knows. But I...it's mine and hers...I don't want it to be discussed or the others making jokes or whatever."

Mike gave a small nod, knowing very well how a group of adolescent boys was handling stories about girls. That was why he'd waited to be alone with Quinn to give him his letters. He'd randomly opened two and browsed over the pages, that Carrie seemed to be a nice girl and her letter contained nothing suspicious, just descriptions of her days and a shy reference to when she'd seen Quinn for the last time. He knew Quinn's file, Frank Mathison's visits were mentioned as well as the positive influence these had. 

"She's important to you." Mike carefully didn't say it as a question and had to wait quite a while for an answer but in the end his patience paid off, even if Quinn's answer came with a very low voice.

"She means the world to me. She's the best thing which ever happened to me."

"You wanna change for her?"

"Yes. No. I mean, yes, because I wanna see her again. But I know that I have to change for myself, that it's not working if I don't really want it. She is just...supporting that."

"It's Christmas soon. Do you have a letter for her? I can take it with me when I go down to the centre next time so she'll have it before Christmas."

"Am I allowed to post mail?"

"Now you are."

"I have...a bunch of letters..."

"So she'll get as many as you got. She'll like that."

"Will people read these?"

Mike weighed his answer for a few seconds, it was a judgement call, and those decisions were always difficult. But Quinn had been very cooperative from day one, shy and reluctant to open up, but cooperative and well-behaved with everything else. If there was someone he felt comfortable to open up with, that was a chance.

"No, as long as you keep your cooperative attitude, nobody will read your letters. It's Christmas soon - what do you wish for?"

"It's not like Santa has been a regular visitor for me over the last decade."

"Doesn't need to be Santa."

"What do I have to do in return? If I say something now? This is how it works, uhm?"

"Not necessarily. Why don't you give it a try?"

"There's nothing. Can I go now and...read my letters?"

"When was the last time you spoke to her?"

"The day I came here. She waited for me...after my hearing. We went to the park together, for several hours, and had lunch with her Dad and a friend."

That was a quick and vivid answer, the most engaged he'd ever gotten from the teenager so far.

"Still nothing you wanna ask for?" 

Finally Quinn got it and smiled a small smile, which was a nice change, Mike thought, usually his features were still and earnest. "You mean...I could call her?"

"Bad weather's coming in. We'll decend and spend a few days in the centre around christmas. You can talk to her then. Merry Christmas, chap. And now go and read your letters."

Quinn spent hours with her letters, reading every single one multiple times. They were perfect, she was perfect. She even enclosed a photo in one letter, apparently made in Hong Kong, he could see the skyline blurry in the background, she seemed to be on a mountain. He carefully put it in the book he was currently reading, knowing he would look at it probably twenty times more before going to sleep.

Her letters were...everything. Funny when she wrote about boring days at school, she was good in making snarky ironic comments about teachers. Interesting and entertaining when she wrote about the books she read and twice she wrote about theatre plays she saw. Maybe he could take her one day to watch a play. Warm when she wrote about missing him. There were several occasions where she wrote she wished he'd kiss her tonight and that sent shivers down his spine. Sad when she wrote that she needed to adjust her meds because winter and darkness were giving her a hard time. How much he wished he could be there for her and help her. He had no idea what would help though but certainly not being alone wouldn't harm, would it? Only the last letter felt like she was feeling a hint of doubt, mentioning that she hadn't heard from him in weeks. "You won't forget me, will you?" she wrote, "Because I could never forget you. I miss you."

After that, he got up again and wrote her another letter, the most honest thing he'd ever written, not trying to entertain her like he had in his previous letters but about how he felt. He wrote about his loneliness, about how much he missed her, how often he thought about her, that there were many good days but some really bad too, and that sometimes he had no idea how he should make it here until next summer. That he didn't doubt his decision but that it was hard. And he wrote about hoping to do a hike with her one day, swimming in one of those streams and snuggling in a sleeping bag near a campfire later. He skipped the part about what he really wanted to do in that sleeping bag, somehow he wasn't sure how she'd take that, maybe better tell her in person.

He finished just before wake up time and started to make breakfast before anybody else came to the shelter, so he could catch Mike before the others were around. And he was lucky, Mike allowed him to go down to the centre alone and hand in his letters for getting posted. 

A few days later the snow came and they closed the camp and went down to the centre. It was the day before Christmas and Quinn felt anxious all day, to an extent that he thought he was going to get sick.

He had to wait until evening. It took them quite a while to move their stuff in two of the large dorms, then they had to shower and wash their clothes, followed by preparing dinner and introducing themselves to the other thirty boys who currently underwent the program at the centre and the staff. It was about half past nine when Mike called him to the office and gave him twenty minutes alone.

He was lucky, it was her answering the phone.

"Hey. It's me. Q..."

She interrupted him right away.

"Quinn. Oh my god. It's you. You call. How are you?"

"I'm...good, I think. Mostly."

"I know. I read your letters. They arrived all on one day, a few days ago."

"I wasn't allowed to post them for a while. But I can send letters every week now."

"I was worried. But that's gone now. I'm just glad you are okay. Your last letter...I know it's hard. But there's not a single day I'm not thinking about you. You know that, do you?"

It was still good to hear. 

"I do. Carrie...listen, we can talk for twenty minutes and I don't know when I can call again. Please, when I'm not allowed to call or write, don't doubt what...I feel for you, how much I miss you. Don't think it's not true because I can't call. I think about you every day and that won't stop." 

He heard her breathing and the only thing he wished for more than talking to her was seeing her and taking her into his arms.

"It's...I know...rationally I know. It's just hard sometimes. But don't think I'd bail on you. It's just that I...long to see you. But it's not forever. I don't think they told you yet, I just got the news from Dad today. I actually just was writing it in a letter to you when you called. We can visit you on the first weekend of February."

"Will you come?"

"Will you want to see me?" He loved her for managing a lighter tone, almost teasing. "Of course I'll come, dork. It's just six weeks. We can do that, can't we?"

They spoke about Carrie's school and the Mathisons' Christmas preperations as well as about his last days since he had posted the letters. There was one more thing he wanted her to know.

"Carrie, when you wrote about your meds and not feeling well - you know you can tell me more about it, do you? And if there comes a day you think you need me to be with you, write me or call the centre and I promise I will find a way to come and see you. And I'm not gonna be stuck here forever. After summer I'll be...don't know where...but then I can come and see you anytime. Just promise me to let me know when you need me. I...want to be that person for you."

"It's...it's difficult sometimes. But thank you. I...it means a lot. And I guess if there ever would be the need to talk about...you would be that person. You are that person for me. Remember what you wrote in your last letter about going on a hike together? I'd love to do that. I'd love to be with you and talk all night and then I could tell you if you really want that. And I would kiss you."

"God, Carrie, you have no idea how much I want that. But it will happen. After summer. Just wait for me, okay? I think about this every night. Just wait for me."

He heard her smile when she answered.

"I'm here. I'll wait. Good luck."

"Merry Christmas, Carrie."

"Merry Christmas, Quinn. Next year you'll be here with us. That's a promise."

"I'd like that. Good night, Carrie."

"Wait a second, will you? I'll go to bed right now. So your good night counts. So you'll be the last I hear and think today."

"I...", he was this close to say it but then decided he had to see her face when saying it, so he settled for another "I miss you. But I'm good now. Don't worry, I'm good and knowing that you'll come here is the best present I ever got. Good night. Sleep well."

"Good night, Quinn." There was so much more to say, but she'd say it when she would see him soon. But his call was the best Christmas present ever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas will be soon and Carrie's not well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good thing about writing an AU - I can completely ignore spoilers I don't like.

Christmas came and went and so did January. For the first time since years Quinn allowed himself to hold some hopes for the coming year and to think about the future.

But still that cold January was a bleak time of the year with very short days. Carrie fought a depressive streak, not that bad that she had to be hospitalized but severe enough to keep her out of school for two weeks. Quinn didn't know anything about it before it was three weeks into January as his group hadn't been down to the centre for nearly two weeks so he hadn't received her letters and hadn't noticed that the letters had stopped about ten days ago.

The night when he finally got her last letters and pieced together what probably had happened to her was a desperate night for him. He waited til dawn and followed Mike to the camp's makeshift kitchen area as soon as he rose as he needed someone to talk. He didn't know when that had happened but somehow over the last weeks he had developed a kind of connection to the man who always had an open ear.

Mike listened while making tea and offered him a cup too.

"You are very worried, uhm? Why?"

"She writes every day. Usually, that is. And in her last letters she wrote she's not well. She has a chronic condition. And then she stopped writing. So I am worried it got worse and she's not well and I didn't even know and didn't even post a letter in two weeks although she wrote me she's not well, just that I didn't read it til last night...cause I'm stuck here..."

"But you didn't elope tonight."

Quinn looked away, kind of ashamed. "But I thought about it."

"Of course you did. That's understandable", Mike retorted, seeing the boy's inner struggle, "someone you care for seems to be in pain, so you wanna be there. But you didn't. Why?"

"Well, you tell me why", Quinn snapped, "maybe because I don't wanna get transported to the JDC again in no time just because my girlfriend needs me. Cause that's what would happen then, wouldn't it? So much about being there for her. I'm bound here and didn't even know she's not well. She stopped writing ten days ago and hasn't heard from me for two weeks and now she thinks I've abandoned her, after I...", his voice trailed off but he was clearly agitated.

"After what?"

"I...It started before Christmas. And I promised I would be there for her if she needs me. And now I'm not."

Mike considered asking about what condition they were talking but then decided against it. It didn't matter and wasn't his business. 

"I know you probably wouldn't wanna hear this now but you did the right and responsible thing. You didn't run away but stayed and talked to me. I know it's hard. 90 days is a long time. But that's what we try to learn here: Being responsible for your own choices and deeds. Not to run away - literally and metaphorically. Eight weeks ago you wouldn't have talked to anybody but just walked away, not caring what the consequences might be."

"Probably." The answer was terse and Quinn's jaw muscle was set, giving a good indication of his inner turmoil.

"You can go down to the centre. I'll radio them you are coming. You can stay overnight, the days are too short to do both ways in one day. So you can call her twice, tonight and tomorrow morning. And you can post your letters. Take your workbooks. I want you to write a bit about 'Being responsible for myself and others'. Wait until there's some more daylight before you set off. And have breakfast first."

He clapped Quinn's shoulders and resumed his attempts to cook porridge.

Quinn arrived at the centre after noon, there was still a lot of snow but he hadn't made a single break on his hike.

After getting rid of his wet shoes he applied to the leading social worker's office, and was surprised that the man already knew and gave him the key to the student's phone booth, even adding a 'Take your time, there's no rush'.

He sensed his heart beating on a rapid clip when dialling her number and felt a pang of disappointment when the answering machine took the call. But he was just halfway through his message when a soft click indicated someone raised the receiver.

"Carrie? Is that you?"

"It's me."

Relief rushed through him.

"God, I was so worried. How are you? I...I am so sorry. I didn't get your letters til last night. Your last letters. So I didn't know it was so bad you stopped writing. I am so sorry. What is it?"

"So you didn't decide you don't want that mess?"

There was a tone of uncertainty in her voice and that was all which kept him from doubling over also her question still hurt.

"Carrie, no. Never. Never would I do that. I just didn't know. I still wrote every day and I'll post all the letters today so you'll have them in a few days, maybe even tomorrow. But...", he tried to calm down and to soften his voice, "I would never abandon you. Not for your condition and not for anything else. Trust me with this, please. Tell me what happened."

"I'm getting better. Much better. But the new mood stabilizers they tried didn't kick in as they should. So just...a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm getting other stuff now, which starts to kick in."

"But you still felt miserable. Chemical or not."

And the other end of the line Carrie silently nodded and tried to fight back tears but didn't succeed when a sob escaped her throat.

"Hey, Carrie, hey. Shh. Shh. Don't cry. It'll be okay soon. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there. I will be next time."

"I felt miserable. And I was scared because it got bad so quickly. They said the meds need time to kick in but then they didn't and I felt horrible. Like under a bell jar."

"Did you tell your Dad?"

"Yeah. He gave 'em hell."

"I can imagine."

"So they switched me again to other stuff and that's slowly starting to work."

"Good. That's good. So you're feeling better now?"

"Mostly. I...I resumed writing letters last night. But..."

"...you were worried?"

She didn't answer and he silently cursed his current whereabouts and his unability to do anything about that.

"What can I do, Carrie? I mean, I know there's not much as I'm stuck here. But it's just two more weeks til you'll come...and what can I do?"

"I don't know, Quinn. I told you, it's getting better. And it's not that you could've stopped it, that's not how it works. It's try and error and swallowing pills."

She sounded bitter and scared and he couldn't blame her - it was bitter.

"I know you'd do everything to get rid of it. But it doesn't make a difference for me. I...I like you just the way you are. Carrie, this phase will pass. And you'll still be the same. You are so much more, and this is just a part of you. Like my shit is part of who I am."

She didn't answer so he just went on, fearing what she might say or not say when he'd fall silent.

"They make me spend hours and days and weeks here with reflecting how my past is part of me, how my parents are part of my history and how much I have to accept this instead of defeating or fighting it - but that this is not all who I am. This is not all of me. There can be other things defining me, just this won't go away. So I have to accept it and stop fighting it and use the time I used to try to deflect and forget and be angry for other things. Maybe it's the same for you. You don't need to be ashamed for your condition. You didn't choose your condition and I didn't choose my parents. But we can choose where we take it from there."

He fell silent, emotionally exhausted from his long speech. He heard her breathing through the line, wishing he could be with her and hold her and prove he meant what he said through his actual presence. 

"Quinn? Are you still there?"

"I am. Just...I didn't wanna override you. I'm sorry."

"No, you're not overriding me. It's just a lot to think about. But it's...interesting. It makes sense, I guess. Will you tell me about your parents, one day? When we're not on the phone?"

He weighed her answer but with her it felt okay.

"I think I can do that if you want me to. But not now, okay? Just tell me you'll be okay. Please. Carrie...I...knowing that you are there is what makes me endure here. I wish I could be with you, I mean I know it's not going away just because I'm there but still...I hope you'd feel better if I'd be with you. That's selfish, I guess. Sorry. I...", his voice trailed off.

"It's not selfish. Talking with you helps. So I guess seeing you would help too. And as I said, I'm getting better and...of course I would wanna see you."

"You know what I often think about before I fall asleep? To be with you, to hold you like I did during our flight, all night long", he hesitated for a brief moment but it was what he felt and wanted, "And...maybe some other things too..."

"I would want that. Being held by you. And...other things."

They were both lost for words for a while, immersed in what just transpired. Carrie found her voice back before he did.

"Quinn? I...I didn't sleep well the last nights. But I think I could sleep a bit now. Can you...will you stay in the line for a while? So it's at least a bit like you were here? I'd like that. I miss you."

"Sure. Just lay down and relax. I'm here. I can call you again tomorrow morning, before I go back to the camp. So no need for goodbye now. Just try to sleep a bit, I'm not going anywhere til you sleep."

He noticed he had to swallow back tears while talking and wondered if she noticed too but somehow he didn't even feel embarrassed. He settled on the small stool in the phone booth, his head back against the wall and listened to Carrie's breathing, noticing how it got deeper and more even, wishing nothing more than to be with her, not just over the phone but to literally hold her away from any kind of harm. He felt some tears trickling down his cheeks but didn't fight them back this time.

It was about 15 minutes later when he finally hung up. Carrie was asleep and didn't react anymore, he'd tried to talk to her twice to be really sure. But still he whispered 'I love you, Carrie' before he finally cut the connection. It felt good to say it. Right. And he'd see her in two weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 will hopefully follow tomorrow: Carrie's visiting Quinn.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carrie's visit and their reunion after three months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to NES who made me keep going with her lovely feedback.

He spent a good time of the following week worrying how he should meet with Carrie without exposing her to the trash talk of forty other teenagers who probably hadn't seen a girl in months but a few days before the visitors' weekend he learnt he could calm down. The weekend was the official end of the 90 days program, some kids would be picked up by their parents or guardians , others like himself had to stay longer for some months in the normal program at the centre. But from now on,  
within the given strict rules and regulations of the program, including attendance of school and all sessions as well as a nightly curfew, he would be allowed to use his few hours of spare time and especially the free Sundays like he wanted. 

They were in the middle of nowhere, there wasn't even a busstop within 20 miles and nothing compared to the potential distractions of a city like Baltimore, so apparently it was what they considered a safe and riskfree enviroment. He could go on walks or for a swim in the icy stream or buy a can of soda at the diner on the village's only road. Great.

But for the first time since 90 days he'd be allowed to be alone and to make his own choices even if it was just for an hour or two each day. And for the coming Sunday.

He managed to get a letter posted in time as Carrie needed probably Frank's permission to spend some hours alone with him and he was very surprised when Frank came for what was called parents' dinner on Saturday evening, saying he wouldn't wanna miss the chance to see him whereas he preferred his daughter's company for the next day.

"She's staying at the inn tonight but will wait for you at the shop tomorrow morning at 8. Don't look at me like that, I won't be around, I have twentyplus tests to correct. And the diner has a mean chocolate cake. And now you blush. God, boy, that's just fine, I just believe you won't mess around with her, will you promise me that?"

That was an easy promise to give. 

He enjoyed the evening in Frank's company, they had dinner, looked through the photo documentary of the wilderness programm he and the other boys had had to put together for the parents and visitors and sat for a late cup of coffee in the yard. He even introduced Frank to Mike and was more than mildly embarrassed when Mike mentioned the great progress he'd made and that he was glad Frank agreed on bringing Carrie along.

The night was the longest he could remember. Knowing he wouldn't be allowed to leave the centre before 7am, he lingered in the yard from 6.30 onwards, unable to stay inside any longer. As soon as the gates were open he left for the short walk to the village wondering what the people living there thought about him and the other boys. Well, probably the centre was providing employment in a very rural area so that should be a good thing. But the inhabitants were probably not well liked. 

It was still dark and the air was crisp and cool but the last days had been clear and sunny. The night had been cloudless and starlit so it would be another cold but bright day. He was 45 minutes early but he'd just wait for her at the small shop. But when he walked down the country road through the village he saw a small slender figure with a blonde ponytail  
coming out of the shop, wearing jeans, boots and a parka. She was busy stowing her purchase in her backpack so he allowed himself a few seconds of just watching her. She was paler as she'd been in October but she'd been sick and it was winter. Her legs were long and lean and when she turned around he saw her beautiful face lit by the dim light coming from the dairy's window.

She saw him coming down the road with long smooth steps. It was still dark but it had to be him. When he came closer she thought he'd grown an inch or two. And he wasn't that horribly thin anymore. Still lean but well-toned now. His hair was standing unruly at all ends, she remembered that.

When he stepped into the shop's windows' pool of light she saw his eyes and how he looked at her and her heart jumped. 

Ninety days, ninety long days and nights.

He saw her starting to smile, bright and radiant, when she saw him coming down the road and accelerated his steps for the last fifty yards.

When he reached her she closed the distance between them with two steps and before he could make up his mind how to greet her he felt her arms around his waist and her face pressed against his chest. 

Wrapping his arms around her he murmured in her ear while inhaling her sweet scent, "You're early".

"Says the guy who's early", she quipped.

"I couldn't sleep anymore."

"Same here."

"Good. That gives us 45 minutes more time."

"I missed you. I missed you so much."

He pressed her even closer to his chest, and put a short kiss on her temple.

"C'mon, let's go."

He took her hand and they walked silently the way back to the centre, passed it and turned into the small path up the hill to the stream. It was still dark and sun wouldn't rise before 8.30 but he knew the path like the back of his hand. When they were past the first trees, about 100 yards behind the centre, they finally stopped. He had carried her backpack but put it down now and finally pulled her into a kiss. He had planned a short and sweet kiss to say hello but when he pulled her close and kissed her he forgot about that plan. He felt her hands framing his face and her small warm body in his arms and that kiss went on, he just couldn't stop and neither did she. It had been too long to just indulge in this for only a few seconds.

So it took them a while before they broke the kiss and looked at each other in the twilight, both smiling. God, how much he had missed her.

They walked for about ninety minutes and he was surprised how she kept pace with him but then learnt about her being a member of her school's cross country running team. 

There was so much he still didn't knew, he thought, wondering if there'd ever be enough time to find it all out.

Along one of the wider passages of the path they held hands, but when it was too narrow to walk next to each other he let her lead in order to adjust his pace to hers. 

And to admire the view. But he didn't say that. But he was allowed to watch, wasn't he? That was his girlfriend, he was on a hike with his girlfriend, they'd spend a full day together, just the two of them.

They reached the stream around nine, shortly after sunrise. From here it was just another 60 minutes to the camp they'd often used with the group the last 90 days but he didn't plan to take her there. Instead he walked her to a small glade not far from the stream, from here they still could see the water. 

They'd been here with the group several times during their hikes and he'd always liked the place so he'd decided to bring her here and had hoped all week for good weather. Apparently St Peter had decided to fulfill his wish.

They sat down on a large trunk and unzipped their parkas, putting them aside, heated up after their brisk walk. The air was crisp but his prediction had been right - it was going to be a beautiful day, cold and sunny.

"I brought breakfast. I...", she busied herself with the contents of her backpack, "I was too excited to eat at the inn. And it was too early anyway."

She had brought sandwiches, water and a thermos with hot tea, granola bars and chocolate, and he watched her unpacking her backpack. She was wearing jeans and a striped long sleeve, blue and white. Even if she were wearing a burlap bag he wouldn't mind, he thought, circling her wrist with his hand and pulling her close.

"Breakfast's great but this is more important. Come here. Excited or nervous? You don't need to be nervous." 

While his right hand didn't let go of her wrist he used is left arm to pull her close. He felt her hesitating for a fraction of a second but then she relaxed in his arm.

They sat still for a while and she felt how she was getting calmer.

"Hey. Are we good?" She liked how calm and gentle he was.

"Yeah. We are good."

"Good. Hungry now or just sit here for a while?"

"Maybe sit here a bit longer."

After a while she sighed and nestled herself a bit closer so he lifted her up and placed her on his lap, supporting her back with one arm around her shoulders.

She was amazed how good it felt. She had imagined being with him for so often but now as it really happened she felt overwhelmed. But it was okay now. More than just okay. Good. So she raised her head and looked at him, thinking at the back of her mind that he was outrageously attractive.

He indeed had filled out a bit, in a good way, he had been far too thin, now he was still a little slender but broadshouldered and she'd felt his firm muscles when he'd lifted her to sit on his lap. His eyes weren't  
so sad anymore, at least not right now, still deepblue, but smiling now, taking her in, and his smile revealed his dimples. She wondered if his hair ever laid flat but she liked it this way.

"Hey. It's still me."

"Sorry, I...", she blushed, "it's just...never mind, doesn't matter."

"It's been a while, and it's okay to take a moment. We don't need to rush today. We can stay here for the next six hours. I don't mind you looking at me."

She smiled and kissed him. Just a short kiss, but a kiss. And then another one, longer, lingering. And then one that didn't stop for a while. That was the best one.

A bit later they started to talk, they hadn't been able to speak since his  
phonecalls in January.

"Hey. How are you?"

"Good. Today I'm good. But much better anyway. I wrote you that."

"So those meds are really better?"

"Yeah. I think so." But she looked away, avoiding his gaze.

"Hey. Don't. No need to feel ashamed. I'm glad you're feeling better. C'mere."

He held her in a close embrace, hoping to convey that it really didn't matter. He just wanted her to be okay and feel good.

They had breakfast after a while, talking about her father and what he was about to do today. He had to smile to himself when he noticed there was only one cup, the cap of the thermos, and how she naturally passed that to him to share.

"He saw a huge chocolate cake at the inn's café yesterday. I guess he's planning to have at least two huge pieces while correcting the tests."

"Yeah, he mentioned it last night."

"The café's name is hilarious. The Girls R Cooking. Stirring the pot since 1975."

"Well, I just hope, they emptied and refilled the pot since then."

They both had to chuckle at that.

"Gosh, I wasn't even born then. Do a lot of visitors stay there?"

"I've no idea. I've been to the centre just very rarely the last three months. I was never around for visitors' day."

"Why didn't you wanna see me last night?", she inquired.

"I wanted to see you. But I don't want you to come to the centre."

"Why not?"

He sighed and bit his lower lip, this wasn't his favourite topic.

"Carrie, it's forty boys there between 13 and 18. You are probably the only girl coming here since maybe 1975 aswell. What do you think would happen if you come to the centre?"

He saw her processing his information, her face was as easy to read as an open book.

"Oh."

"Exactly. Oh. That would happen. And I'm not gonna allow it."

"So the others don't have girlfriends?"

"As far as I know, no. Or at least not anymore."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, I guess convicted foster kids and other kinds of difficult teenagers sent here by court are not the most irresistible offer. It's not that the majority of the nice girls queue up to be with one of the guys here."

He sipped his tea and looked away, knowing that his tone had been too sharp.

"Hey. I just wanted to know. It's not like that with us. You know that. I don't mind you being here."

"Don't you?" He heard his insecurity himself and hated it. But when Carrie answered her voice was calm and steady.

"No. Yes. I mean not in the way that I would question what we have. But of course I wish I could see you more often. And I know it's hard for you to be here. So that's why I do mind. But not in a way that would affect us in any way."

Carrie used her elbow to gently nudge him in his side and he turned back to her seeing her beautiful smile.

"I know that. 99% of the time. Just sometimes I think...but doesn't matter now...just come here."

She put the cup away and this time he didn't let go of her, just held her and kissed her, forgetting about that gnawing insecurity he sometimes felt in the middle of the night, finally just being with her. She was his and he had no reason to doubt her or what they had.

For the first time today he gently used his tongue to explore and part her lips and was delighted when she responded with a soft sigh, meeting his tongue with hers. After a while he moved back against the trunk, using it to support his own lower back, pulling her between his knees. Her hands came up around his neck when his left hand trailed down her back, softly caressing her, while his right arm was wrapped around her shoulders. Neither of them intended to stop, what had started as a tender kiss became a hot open mouthed kiss and he felt her pressing her slender body into him.

He let his left hand trail further south down to the perfect roundness he sensed under the denim of her jeans and was rewarded with another soft moan against his lips. His touch was tentative at first but when she seemed to be okay with it he carefully added a bit more pressure. 

Feeling her so close didn't leave him unaffected but he wasn't sure if it wasn't too soon to let her notice. She'd said in Hong Kong she knew things theoretically but obviously this here was different now. So he moved his hands to her hips and gently moved her an inch away, with all self-restrain he could muster. She immediatly stopped the kiss and looked at him, her cheeks light rosé, lips still slightly parted.

Cupping her cheek he couldn't help it but had to say it. "God, Carrie, you are so beautiful."

The rosé deepened. Probably nobody had ever said that to her. The sudden surge of possessiveness rising in him surprised him but suddenly he found the thought of all of this being a first for her extremly satisfying. He would make it right for her.

"Why did you stop?"

"Because it's...too cold", which was a mediocre lie but it was all he could come up with, "Wait."

He disappeared towards some of the trees a few yards away and reappeared with his sleeping back, using a moment behind the trees to rearrange his nether regions in a more comfortable way after feeling quite constricted in his jeans for the last minutes. And as far as he was concerned that problem wouldn't go away anytime soon.

"When did you bring that here?" He was glad she smiled, he hadn't been sure about this but had wanted to be prepared.

"I left it here when we closed the camp two days ago. I was hoping...but didn't wanna impose..."

She smiled that beautiful smile again,  
making a few steps to meet him halfway.

"We said we wanna do that. So, yes, I want to...be in there with you. But it's too cold for a swim. But maybe just the feet?"

So he left the sleeping bag on a grassy stretch close to the river bank and after kicking away their boots and socks he followed her to the stream. She rolled up her jeans and stepped into the icecold water.

"God. Is that cold. It's freezing. You really went swimming here?"

"More a quick dive instead of a shower than a swim but yes, every day."

Silently she quickly imagined how that might look, him jumping into the cold water without any clothes and felt a welcome and exciting tingle in her stomache. And a bit further south.

The water was indeed freezing cold and it wasn't long til she felt her feet prickling from the chill. Taking her hand to help her out Quinn led her back to his sleeping bag, looking at her with a lopsided smile. He skittered in first, trying to leave enough room for her. But she was petite and slid next to him without effort. For a moment they just looked at each other, both thinking back to their phonecall the day before Christmas, then he nestled her up against his chest, their feet and lower legs mingling. There was no rush now, three long months and finally he could hold her like he had imagined every single night, feel her warm body in his arm and pressed into him, could smell her sweet scent, a bit citrussy, and could caress her. He was smitten by her, and it was every bit as good as he had dreamt of, even better cause this was real.

His free arm went around her and roamed up and down her back while she laid in the crook of his other arm. He could feel her relax into his arm and bent over her to kiss her, still holding her snug in his arm. 

Following a sudden impulse he didn't kiss her mouth right away but started with a soft kiss on her temple, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down her cheek, closing his eyes, searching her mouth with his. They started slow and tender, lips and tongues probing and exploring, while his hand caressed her back, fondled the soft skin of her neck and finally landed on her derriere. She reciprocated his tender caresses with soft strokes on his back but kept still when she felt his hand splayed on her buns. He stopped the kiss for a second, looking at her.

"Okay with that?"

She pulled him back against her mouth, humming a stifled "Mmh, feels good". It wasn't that he'd really needed encouragement in the first place but the next kiss went on forever. He gently started kneading her ass when she pressed herself closer, enjoying the welcome friction against his crotch. Her soft sighs were all he needed in response. Their kisses deepened and they both got carried away by the escalating pleasure in the cozyness of his sleeping bag, finally forgetting the restrictions and imminent seperation for a few hours. 

Without breaking the kiss he carefully turned her to lay on her back, extricating his arm from behind her in doing so. His hand wandered from her butt along to her hip and waist, caressing her with soft strokes through the fabric of her   
shirt. He soon reached the side of her breast and broke the kiss to look at her. She was perfect. Flushed face, swollen lips and tousled hair, her eyes big and looking at him expectantly. 

"Please tell me if it's too much. I promise I'll stop right away", he said with a hoarse and low voice, "but this feels so good, you feel so good, I'd really like to...may I?" And with that he slowly moved his hand over to cup her breast. His eyes searched hers for permission and she silently nodded, looking straight into his eyes. 

He held her gaze and softly started caressing her breast with careful movements, amazed when he sensed her nipple getting hard through the layers of fabric and when she closed her eyes, leaning her head against his other arm, the one he used to prop up himself. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyelids fluttered every now and then and he swore to himself never to forget this moment, when he leant in again to kiss her while moving his hand to her other breast. He felt his cock pressing against the fabric of his jeans but this was not the day for anything significantly to happen there, that he was sure of. But still he dared to move a bit closer to her hip and to press himself against her.

"You like that?", he murmured against her lips while gently brushing his thumb over her nipple and her small shiver would've been enough of an answer but he got a whispered "yes" as well.

So his hand slid back down to her waist and under her shirt, feeling the heat radiating from her body now through the thin cotton of her chemise. He reminded himself to stop here, this wouldn't get any further today, although he was craving for her. But it was the first time they were together in months and he didn't want anything to happen she might regret later when he couldn't be with her. But feeling the warmth of her skin through the delicate and thin fabric and then cupping those soft perfect breasts was bliss.

He felt her hand, which had been clenched to his shoulder for a while, trailing down his back and then slipping under his longsleeve, hesitantly and carefully lingering at his lower back first. But then she started caressing him with small circles up and down his back.

He broke the kiss to whisper in her ear.

"That feels good. Please don't stop. And you feel good too."

She laughed softly while he put a strand of hair which had slipped out of her ponytail behind her ear.

"I imagined touching and kissing you often."

"Did you? Same here. But this is even better."

She smiled again and he felt her hand moving around to his front, caressing his abdomen now. 

"Do you like that?"

"Carrie...'like' is not exactly the word. Just don't stop. I missed you so much."

She tipped against his shoulder, indicating him to lay back and nestled herself back in the crook of his arm, never stopping to caress and gently stroke him. His body was muscular, firm and well-toned and she found it utterly exciting to explore and share this new intimate closeness with him.

Some time after he'd rolled on his back he pulled her on top of him and she looked down to him, smiling her beautiful and radiant smile before she dropped her head into another kiss. This time he let her lead and explore, enjoying the light weight of her body pressed against him, and it was just naturally how his hands went around her back and wandered down to rest on her buttocks . She took her time and played with him, pulled back several times when he would have deepened the kiss, apparently enjoying his obvious longing for more of her.

He was pretty sure she'd noticed the firm swelling in his pants by now, how could she not? And he was dithering between pressing her close to him and enjoying a bit more friction and pressure or moving away to avoid embarrassing himself. She was splayed on top of him, their half-naked legs mingled, they were kissing and a while ago one of his hands had slipped under her camisole and fondled the warm soft skin of her back while his other hand was gently kneading her buttocks through the denim. 

And it was just too good to stop. She didn't stop that kiss now anymore, it became hot and breathless and he felt her gasping when he pressed her closer to his crotch and caressed her back and ass. But she didn't move away, far from it, she answered with pressing her hips even closer to him and he had to inhale sharply and memorize french verb conjugations for a moment or two to not get carried away completely. 

He felt her breath accelerating too and tentatively canted his hips up, just a bit, feeling her letting a soft moan against his mouth. Both their shirts had rode upwards through their fondling and making out and he felt her soft skin on his belly as he held her close and did it again, enjoying the shivers that caused at the base of his spine. From what her breathing told she liked it too.

He'd memorize that probably every single night from now on until he saw her again. And he didn't even dare to think about the problems this might bring, considering the fact he had to sleep in a dorm with seven other teenagers. He'd be a regular at the washing machine, that dream had happened just once yet but he knew it would happen again. And now even for a reason.

"God, Carrie, this is...almost too  
much...you feel so incredible...but if we don't slow down a bit,  
I can't gurantee that I don't..."

She smiled, with mirth and joy,  
when he carefully rolled her down to lay on her back, bending over her and kissing her again, deep and tender and passionate. When they broke the kiss he looked down at her, trying to see if she felt pushed away. But all he could see in her eyes and face was affection and tenderness.

"I don't want us to rush this", he tried to explain himself, smoothing with his hand appreciatively over the soft skin at her cleavage. "But you feel so good. This feels so good. You have  
to tell me if it's too much, promise me that. Cause I don't want to fuck this up."

"You won't", she blushed as she went on, "you couldn't, I think. You are...that was...I liked it. It feels good, with you."

He cradled her in his arm and kissed her again, sweet and short this time.

"We'll do it again. That and more. And we still have a few hours time today, there's no rush. But it'll be a while until I see you again and I think we should take our time with any more of that. I'd hate to let you go tonight anyway."

"But I'll be back. As soon as they let me. But about the rest: You don't mind waiting?" She just sounded curious, and he loved the fact that they actually could talk about these things.

He propped himself up on his elbow again, as this was important.

"No, Carrie, I don't mind to wait. I am  
the happiest guy on the planet for what I got from you today. We'll never do anything we're not ready for. Please, don't you ever think this is not important and special to me just because...I mean, I haven't forgotten how and why we met...", suddenly it felt really important to make that point, "but this is different...this means the world to me...to be with you and feel you and...", and suddenly he knew he would say it now, because this was what it was about. 

He paused for a short beat, trying to memorize her face and searching her eyes. She was beautiful. Stunningly beautiful. Her ponytail had loosened itself sometime ago so she laid in a cloud of tousled soft hair, looking up to him expectantly, while her hand laid loosely on his back. When he cupped her cheek with his free hand she nestled herself against it and briefly kissed his palm. 

"I missed you. I love you, Carrie. I love you."

He hoped it had been the right moment to say it but this was how he felt, to his own surprise. And it felt good. Fucking good.

Her eyes locked with his and he saw astonishment and a moment of surprise washing over her face before she blushed and arched up to kiss him.

When she broke the kiss he looked at her again, desperately trying not to expect something from her.

But she snuggled herself into him, her arms wrapped around him, he felt her mouth below his earlobe and then on his ear.

"I love you", she whispered.

They laid still, just holding each other,   
both stunned by their emotions and the confessions.

"I never said that to anybody before,  
never in my life", he whispered in her ear, placing a soft kiss there, "and I mean it. This is just about you and me."

After she'd more or less witnessed his ill-advised and desperate yet careless handling of nearly getting into what would have been a desaster in Hong Kong, he desperately wanted her to understand how different this here was and that there was something, no, the most important thing he'd never shared with anybody before. And she understood, there were no more words needed.

She just wrapped herself around him and held him close.

They spent the few hours they had in that little cocoon of happiness they'd created, snuggling, talking, laughing, sharing tenderness and kisses and caressing each other until it was time to walk back.

"It's gonna be dark by 5. We should be down to the village by then."

"What time need you to be back?"

"By 7."

"Good. Dad said he'd like to have an early dinner with both of us. Trying what the girls are stirring since 1975", she smiled but he felt the same ting of bittersweetness as it would be time to part soon. 

"What's gonna happen now?"

"I don't know, Carrie. I wish I did. And I know you deserve..."

"No", she interrupted him, "stop that. I want to be with you. I chose you. And you chose me. That's important. Not that you're here for a few more months. Please. This here is better as any date in an odd cinema in a suburban mall. So stop it", her voice softened then, "because you won't get rid of me anyway. So, what happens next? Just information, no judgement."

"Fine. I don't know much yet. There'll be more visitors' days I guess, like every six weeks or something like that or maybe once a month. And I guess I can call more often now. And writing letters is still allowed, they get posted once a week. And I'll get my mail once a week."

"That's much better than before. Hey", she smoothed her hand up his ripcage and rested her chin on his chest, "I know it's still difficult. For  
me as well. I know it's even more difficult for you as it's for me. But we're in this together. I'll be back as soon as they let me. And it's just some more months. I'll keep writing every day."

He knew he should at least try a lighter mood but knowing he wouldn't see her for weeks again suddenly  
weighed heavily.

She sensed his mood, she always did that and he wondered how that was even possible but somehow he felt like he was an open book to her and  
his feelings and fears just transpired to her.

"We can take a few minutes longer here and walk a bit faster, just let's  
lay here for some minutes longer", she offered.

And with that she rolled on her back and pulled him close to her shoulder, sneaking her arms around his shoulders to hold him tight.

"Remember when you said you need to know I'm okay? When you called me while I was sick? Same goes for you. I need to know you are okay."

"I am. And I try. I really try. And you're a big part of that."

They left soon after, arriving at the end of the forrest just before darkness. They took a long moment there for their good-bye, tender kisses, carefully trying not to get carried away again.

Right before they stepped into the diner where Frank was already expecting them, Carrie squeezed his hand to make him stop.

"That was a great date. Thank you."

He smiled at her, a real smile reaching his eyes and revealing his dimples.

And she smiled back when he opened the door for her.

It indeed had been a great day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carrie's next visit, their first fight and what happens then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to ignore all spoilers in this AU.

Things got better and worse after that first visit.

Better for various reasons. Worse for some very specific reasons.

He was attending the normal program at the centre now which meant seven hours of school every day plus homework. The days started early, weekday wake up call was at 5.30, followed by an hour long run every morning before shower, shaving - that was a new necessity - and breakfast. Several a week he had to attend group sessions and each Thursday afternoon he had his one on one session with a psychologist. He still saw Mike who was group leader for the younger boys now but it wasn't for scheduled sessions but a chat over coffee several times a week. 

He was allowed to call Carrie once every week for fifteen minutes as long as he didn't jeopardize that privilege by breaking any kind of rules or by bad behavior. So far that had never happened and he didn't intend to let it happen.

He still was allowed to post letters once a week and received his mail once a week. It was a stupid rule,  
he thought, there would be no harm being done by receiving letters several days a week but that was the way it was.

Being a student in the regular program now, even with feeling more like an inmate like a student himself, he had to sleep in a dorm with seven other teenagers. He had never minded being outside all autumn and winter but now he learnt to miss the nights outside where he'd always had some privacy late at night or had been able to move his sleeping back just to another spot a few yards away.

Now the only privacy he had was those few precious hours every week he could spend outside the centre, usually about an hour every late afternoon and some more hours during the weekend.

A lot of the other boys either didn't have the permission to leave the centre alone or had lost it through insubordination. He didn't care because he left the centre to actually be alone and not to meet with one of his roommates.

The inmates - cause that's what they were, he thought bitterly, so why not name it - could either chose to attend school or to undergo vocational training as carpenter or plumber. He was in the highschool program and got some extra tutorials via a correspondence school, Frank had arranged that for him after he had once mentioned that he felt he wasn't making fast enough progress in his on site-classes.

Mike had explained him that the on site-school could only offer an average pace and progress and most of his classmates were neither eager learners nor the brightest candles on the cake. But after some consideration he'd been allowed to choose advanced classes in English, History and Maths as correspondant student and chances were he'd be able to finish the equivalent of two years of school in his time at the centre. That required huge amounts of homework which he had to send in every week but as that meant he got extra time in the library when the others did evening rounds with talking about self-reflection he was secretly very happy about that extra work. At the end of his study time he always used a few minutes to write down a few lines for Carrie.

Lock in was at 9 pm and usually he tried to stay awake until the others were finally done with there dirty jokes and adolescent fatuity to have some minutes "alone" with Carrie before he fell asleep. It didn't feel right to think about her in a room full of testosterone overdose and he often thought that those nights in the dorm were the real verdict.

He only memorized their day together when he was sure everybody else was asleep. Sometimes he dreamt about her. Often they talked in those dreams and he made her laugh and she was smart and brilliant in her replies, cause that was the way she was. Sometimes it was not about talking but about...other things...those dreams were great, just the waking up was not so great. He didn't feel ashamed though, at least not as far as she was concerned, she was his girlfriend, he loved her and those dreams were never about anything she wouldn't like, just getting everything into the washing machine and back without the others noticing was an effort.

Sometimes he used his free hours on Sundays to do a hike to the stream and spend the day at the place where they'd been together. And then he allowed himself to really indulge in the memory of what they'd shared that day.

Usually thinking of her and the tender closeness they'd shared made him very happy but of course the other side of that medal was an inevitable feeling of loneliness. It shouldn't be that way, he often thought, I should be able to call when I feel like and not only when there's a scheduled window they always could take away from him. And I should be able to see her, talk to her, have fun with her, meet her family, be there for her - and all that wasn't allowed.

But he was allowed to see her every four weeks for a day. He'd learnt that the centre didn't have general visitors' days for everybody but that it was a case by case decision, just that wilderness program always ended with pick up- and family-day. 

Legally every child had the right to see their parents twice a week for thirty minutes - as long as the parents hadn't lost or given up their parenting rights. Then the right to visit was passed over to the legal guardian, in his case the authority of social welfare of the state of Maryland. Just that the authority didn't do house visits in the middle of nowhere, as employees of the said authority were taking care of him here. 

And for the other boys, most of the parents chose not to drive several hours twice a week.

So for each and every case visits were negotiated, parents had to agree with that before their kids could start the program. And of course they agreed, as the alternative usually would have been a stay at the JDC and having a child with a criminal record afterwards.

And what kind of parent would want that for their child?

So, as nobody except Frank claimed the right to visit him, legally he was the visitor even when Quinn spent the day with Carrie, and neither Quinn nor his case social worker had obejected, he was given the permission to see him and through that Carrie once a month.

It was always him and Frank having dinner on Saturday and then Sunday was for him and Carrie, followed by an early dinner with Frank before their departure. 

Carrie and he had spent two more days at their spot in near the stream so far, visit number four was planned for the upcoming week.

Quinn knew that he'd be forever thankful for Frank's quiet and understanding support for Carrie's and his relationship. He wondered if he'd ever be able to reciprocate the kind support he received from that man whom he liked a lot, for much more than just being Carrie's Dad.

Spring had arrived and it was a sunny day when he was called into the headmaster's office one morning during school hours. He quickly went through all possible faults of the last days but couldn't come up with anything, he hadn't broken a single rule. But that wasn't what it was about.

His father was there and wanted to see him.

The headmaster apparently had asked Mike to break the news to him and Mike explained him that legally his parents had no right to see him. But would of course not be sent away as there was a chance of them choosing not to come back then. So he'd be granted an hour with them. Mike also asked if he was sure he would want to see them, there was no obligation to do so. Later he wondered why he hadn't said 'no' but it happened so quickly.

And it didn't go well. They didn't even use the full hour.

Mike had been there throughout the meeting and clapped his shoulder on the way back to the classroom.

"Just let me know when you're ready to talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"There is. I know you don't want to. But you should. It'll help you."

Quinn felt hot anger rising in his chest, for the first time in weeks. But he still managed to take a deep breath and not to yell.

"It won't help. You've seen him. You've heard him. What's there to add to that?"

"Calm down, Quinn, you know you can't go back to class like this."

"I'm calm."

"You're not. It's ok to just take a minute now."

"You know what?", he felt he was loosing it but couldn't overcome the urge to yell, "This is not about taking a minute. This is about my life. Why I am who I am. Why I don't have a highschool graduation by now and go to college. Why I can't see the girl I love for a movie tonight. Why I have to dump my shit in front of each and everybody every week. And I get it. I know I had it coming. I made  
some crap choices. And I'll do whatever it takes literally on my knees and will be eternally grateful for that chance I got. But this is not about taking a minute. Or two. It's not. I...", he felt suddenly tired, very tired, "I'm sorry. It's just...can I go now? I didn't mean to..."

"How about you go to the library now and we talk later about it. I'm sorry but we will talk about it. But it hasn't to be now."

"Whatever." He just wanted to be alone. And he knew he should be grateful Mike had been around and showed his father the door to make it a rather short visit and was giving him some space now but it was all so fucked up. Why could he just come here, after years of not caring, and why did it still affect him?

He didn't finish his letter to Carrie that week. He felt vaguely bad about it somewhere at the back of his mind but he couldn't write about that visit and lying wasn't an option either. So there wasn't anything to write.

That was what he told himself for five days. And then he felt like the biggest asshole known to mankind when he received her letter, reading how worried she was when he hadn't written and hadn't called. 

He hadn't seen that coming. He hadn't even thought about it, the possibility of worrying her. He had just lost it. But now as he thought about it he couldn't understand himself anymore. He'd thought about her and longed for her every night but how could she know that?

He couldn't even call before she came because that missed call date had been his last opportunity before her visit.

He wasn't sure if a letter might help and it wouldn't be there in time anyway.

Frank didn't come for dinner on Saturday which was a good indicator for how bad it was. He didn't sleep that night, fearing what the next day might bring.

She was there when he stepped out of the gate at 7 am sharp. He had expected her to wait at the store, that was where they usually met, as he didn't want her out alone in the dark or near the centre, so he didn't look out for her but just turned to the right to walk down to the village road but suddenly she stepped into his way.

"So you still going to see me", sharp voice, maybe a hint of insecurity, he didn't know and had no time to contemplate.

"Carrie. God. What are you doing here? You shouldn't run here around alone at night."

"I do what I want. So do you."

"Carrie, can we please go away from here? This is not a conversation I want to have here."

She looked at him and he knew he should do something or say something but he didn't know what. 

For the first time she didn't take his hand for the walk over to the forest and was a few steps ahead of him. It felt like a mile.

He didn't notice that she was crying.

When she didn't stop at their usual spot to kiss hello he knew it was really bad. 

"Carrie..."

It hurt, he just noticed now how very much it hurt.

At least she stopped. He closed the distance to her with a couple of steps, then touched her shoulder, hoping she might turn around. And when she did he saw her tears.

"Carrie. What is it? Please don't cry. I..."

Of course he knew what was wrong. What he didn't know was how he'd ever gonna fix it.

"What is it? You didn't write. You didn't call. You meet me in the morning without offering an explanation. So just say it."

"What? What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. You tell me. What's wrong? Do you...maybe that you wanna break up. Or that you're mad. Or whatever." He'd never seen anyone conveying so much hostility and fragile insecurity at the same time and in so few words.

"God, Carrie, no. No, of course not. I don't wanna break up. Please. I'm so sorry. No. And even if I would I would not just stopping to communicate with you. But it's not that. I'm  
sorry. Hey. Don't cry. Carrie,  
I...can I...", he tossed his backpack to the ground and closed the distance towards her with his arms wide open, a helpless gesture, hoping she'd allow him to hold her. 

And she did. He folded her in his arms, listening to her sobs and felt guilt beyond words. What had he been thinking?

"Shhh. Shhh. None of this was your fault. I was a moron. I'll tell you what happened, everything, as soon as we are at our spot. It's just...my parents came for a visit."

She pulled back at this revelation, looking up at him incredulously.

"Shit. I mean, that's...difficult I guess...how did that go?" From hostile to fragile to caring, in less than five minutes. He had difficulties to keep up with her.

"No, shit's a pretty fitting description to what happened. I completely lost i it afterwards, Carrie. Please, I know I fucked it up but please tell me that I still can...dunno...make things okay again?"

At least she came back in his arms and he dared to hope that was maybe a good sign. 

"Please, Carrie. I'm so sorry. I don't know what got me. I just lost it. That visit...it wasn't good...and I wasn't in a good place afterwards..."

It was so good to see and feel her, God, what had he been thinking?  
What if she hadn't come? How had he ever been able to risk that?

They stood on the path for a while, Carrie melting into him and having a few more sobs pressed into his chest.

After a while he thought it might be okay to suggest to move on and go to their spot and was glad when she not only agreed but didn't pull back her hand when he reached out for her. She even gave his hand a squeeze every now and then.

When they arrived at the riverbank she surprised him with having brought breakfast despite everything. 

"So you weren't completely giving up on me?", he tested the waters, indicating with a wave of his hand towards the food she'd just unpacked.

"I wasn't sure. I thought you wouldn't do that. I had now idea why anyway. And I thought it surely wouldn't happen this way, without talking. But I was very worried. And this morning I came to the centre at 6. I wanted to see you last night but Dad didn't allow it. So I didn't allow him to go either. I thought that's between you and me first and I didn't want him to give you a chew out before we had a chance to talk. So I waited for you in the morning. And then you came out and didn't even see me and were so...cold...and turned inward...clenched jaw and everything...then I thought...it's maybe indeed about me."

"No. I was just...not expecting you to be there. And bracing for the worst, I guess. I thought I fucked it up. And when your Dad didn't come last night I...thought maybe you didn't come at all."

The way he looked at her broke her heart. She had pondered about their last conversations for days and nights, had come up with all kinds of scenarios, the thinking most likely had been him getting into any kind of trouble with some other boys, he had told her about some dumb bullies, and loosing his right to use the phone or write letters that week.  
And then she'd been in a downward spiral of fear and doubt, torn between trusting him, there'd be a rational explanation, and fear to have lost him or having pushed him away without even noticing.

But never had it occurred to her that his parents had been around, apparently making a very disturbing appearance.

He looked so lost and so sad. But she could be an anchor for him like he was for her, couldn't she?

That she hadn't many friends didn't mean she didn't care about people, or that she didn't see when someone was in need, she just had never managed to get that care transformed into something people saw and appreciated. She was close with her sister and her father but it had been difficult at school before and ever since that incident with Danny she'd prefer to stay at the periphery of events and hadn't engaged into any kind of relationship with anybody. She was not unfriendly with people, she teamed up for assignments, she was well respected and liked in her cross country running team and it wasn't that people didn't appreciate her. There was just no connection. She didn't get how the girls could spend afternoons to talk about their crushes on boys, about the right colour of lipgloss and whatever New Kid on The Block was the cutest band member.

She wanted to discuss books and news, just last week had brought three incidents she would've loved to discuss with someone else than just her Dad: the capture of the suspected WTC bombing suspector, Rodney King's testify and Janet Reno being the first ever female General Attorney.

But besides her history teacher nobody at school would be interested so she'd only written Quinn about it, who was allowed to watch the news but said he preferred her view on politics over CNN's.

So she was not only falling in love with him but also cared about him a lot and she saw and felt how something had probably been broken that week. And she felt very sorry how she'd immediately doubted him, just because he hadn't called for once. Probably because he usually was so reliable, she tought, she'd gotten used to him never missing a single occasion to talk.

So she made a decision and with that, she kicked her backpack away and closed the distance between the two of them by placing herself between his legs while he stood against the trunk.

"You didn't fuck it any more up as I did. I shouldn't have doubted you right away. That wasn't right. I'm sorry."

"Carrie", he breathed.

"Shhh. Let me finish. Maybe it's time you tell me about your parents? Only if you want to. But first I'd like a hug and a kiss and breakfast."

She got all her requests fulfilled, in that order.

After breakfast they shimmied into the sleeping bag, after a few days of early spring it was cold again, wheather forecast even announced to expect new snow for the upcoming week. 

But, even with warmer weather he wouldn't wanna trade those few hours in the sleeping bag for anything and nor did she. There was never enough time anyway. As they saw each other just once a month, they were taking things really slow but he didn't mind, it felt good to grow a deep connection before going anywhere else. And each time of the few times they'd been here there had been some slow progress.

As much as he longed to be with her and share more intimacy he'd decided that he wouldn't push things to anything significant until he was out of the centre to wherever that might be then. But at least he'd be able to see her and talk to her more often then. He couldn't stand the thought to be allowed to make love to her for the first time but then not being allowed to see her afterwards for another four weeks. 

He wasn't sure what she thought about it but they were far from being at a point where he had to raise that topic so he'd just wait and see. So he'd keep taking things slow, there was no rush. 

When they settled in their little cocoon now he felt exhausted, from the week, a night without sleep and the first fight they had had.

But he knew talking wasn't over yet. And he wanted to tell her. So why not get over with it straight away?

She was snuggled in his arm, her head on his shoulder and her arm lay across his chest. Sometimes he wondered if they'd ever might go  
to sleep that way, one day when he'd finally be allowed to move away from here.

He kissed her forehead and there fingers interlaced and he tried to relax. She didn't push him and thought he'd talk when he was ready and there was no rush now, they'd found each other again and had many hours together ahead of them now. Finally he talked.

"I'll tell you everything right from the beginning, otherwise that visit doesn't make sense. So I grew up with my grandma. She was my mother's mum. My mother was just twentyone when she got pregnant. My father's twelve years older. My grandmother never liked him. He didn't want a child but it was too late when my mother told him. So he tried to beat the living shit out of her, just an educated guess though, and made her decide to give the baby, me, away straight after birth. My grandma didn't agree and said she wanted to raise me. My mother sometimes came and visited me. That were good years, I was happy there, my grandma, I said Nana, was young, just 47, when I came along. A lot of people thought she was my mom. My father came sometimes too but Nana and he never got along well and he always started a fight when he was around. Once my mother lived with us for a couple of weeks, I was about five then. She slept in my room and often heard her crying at night, so I got up and tried to comfort her. Sometimes I slept in her bed then. She said he was still angry with her that she kept me. She wanted to leave him, they weren't married then. But after three or four weeks she went back to him. Nana was desperate. They got married that year and she never came back afterwards for a visit. I started school that year and hated it. I had not been to kindergarden or daycare, Nana worked night shifts and a neighbor checked on me every hour til midnight. So during the days she was home and played with me. When she slept I played alone, usually outside. I didn't mind being alone. We had a dog, and I took him along, must have been quite a sight, a four year old and a shephard dog. And suddenly I had to be in school for six hours every day. So sometimes I just didn't go but sneaked back home, Nana was sleeping then, and got the dog and spent the morning in the woods. I was in a lot of trouble when Nana found out. She died when I was eight. A heartattack early morning in bed after her shift. I found her."

He paused for the first time since he'd begun to talk, allowing himself to feel what he'd lost that day nearly ten years ago for the first time in years. Carrie laid warm and steady next to him, he felt her hand squeezing his.

"The neighbors called the police, they called social welfare and they called my parents. My father wasn't amused but I lived with them then. He was dealing with second hand cars then and my mother was working in a bar. I had to change school as they lived at the other end of the town and I couldn't keep the dog. My father drank and when he was drunk he got angry. My mother wasn't much of a mother but she always tried to make sure I was in bed when he came home. But I heard them. Every now and then he hit me too. Not for any particular reason, I think it was just, dunno, his favourite pastimes. Sometimes he woke me up late at night and then we did mental arithmetic. And when I made a mistake he hit me. He was good at this, he never went for the head or hands so that nobody could see the bruises. But one day at school I told a teacher who asked me why I obviously was in pain when sitting down. The teacher called my father the same evening and they met the next day. That night he beat me black and blue. He completely lost it. So it ended with two broken rips and a broken arm. Things you can't ignore. I was supposed to tell at the ER that I fell down the stairs. A classic. And I did tell it but the nurse didn't believe me. Social welfare took me away that night, right from the ER. There had been a chance for them to get me back, they offered them counseling, therapy, all kinds of help, but they didn't want me. So I stayed at the foster home. In the beginning they sometimes visited, but that stopped soon. They lost their legal parenting rights when they stopped coming to visit and refused to come to my hearings, it was easier for the authorities to have the legal guardianship for me as to deal with my absent parents I guess. I was nine when I was taken away from them. In the beginning I hoped my mother would divorce him and come and get me and we'd start over new. But that didn't happen. I hadn't seen or heard of them for about three years, until this week. Your father made sure they always got word about my current whereabouts. So they came here. My mother didn't come in, I didn't see her. She didn't want to see me. My father taunted me to be a disgrace for the family, to be responsible for my mother's disappointment about me and how ashamed he is for his criminal son. That I'd be living an unworthy life paid by the taxes of honest and hard working men like him. That he thought he'd taught me better. When I was a child I'd always been afraid of him. I remembered a tall and strong man, his eyes were glacier stares. But now...I'm taller than him. I tried not to listen. I mean, this man has no say in my life, has he? But he didn't stop. I was just about to ask Mike to send him away when he suddenly leant forward and slapt me in the face."

He felt her hand brushing over his cheek, like a silent counterpoint to his father's violence and pulled her closer.

"What did you do?"

"I was about to hit back. Or to go for his collar and nail him against the wall. As I said he's not that tall and strong as I remembered him."

"But you didn't."

"No. I suddenly thought it's not worth it. It probably would have ruined all the efforts of the last couple of months. So I just hit my fist against the wall."

"That was the right thing to do. Not hurting yourself, no, but not hitting him. You are a much better person than he ever was."

"Or just gutless. That's what he said."

"Oh, come on. You know that's bullshit. What happened then?"

"Mike showed him the door rather quickly then, but he still had enough time to go on in his ranting and to yell some more insults. And... my mother didn't even bother to come in and see me. She stayed outside in the car."

His voice had been even and low through all his talking but cracked with the last sentence.

"At that was the worst part, uhm?" Carrie's voice was soft and low and her hand went back into his. 

"It's not that the rest felt like being a subject to entertainment tax, but that was...yeah...it...", he couldn't say it, even to her he could not talk about it felt to be abandoned by his mother. But Carrie could.

"One waits and hopes and thinks she will come, won't she, I mean, moms do that, real moms, that is, they come when their kids need them. And others' moms do. They bake cookies, give hugs and kleenex and say things like 'it's gonna be okay, we'll figure it out' and then you can sleep and feel better. Just your mum, she doesn't care and doesn't come and nobody says it's gonna be okay."

She knew, of course she knew, her mother had never visited her in hospital.

"So will you wanna see him again if he'd happen to show up again?", she carefully inquired.

"No. That's over. I mean, I know I made a lot of mistakes but I think he, they...it's not just me, I guess, who is responsible for the mess I'm in..."

She pulled herself into a somewhat upright position but only to turn and prop her chin on his chest. Her expression was very serious but her eyes swam with tears.

"It's not just you. And that man should be locked away and sit here alone, not you. And you are absolutely right not to want to see them again. And none of this had ever happened if you'd had a Dad like mine or your Nana had lived longer. You're a good person, Quinn, you just had the bad luck to end up with someone who didn't deserve to be a father. And he screwed it up. For you, for your mum and probably for himself too. And I'd say, he had it coming and I hope he'll spend decades in limbo for what he did to you. Let's call a spate a spate: He's an ass. Narcissistic, dumb, terrifying, but an ass. Don't let this define you. That's what you told me. And now I'm telling you the same. This is not who you are. This here will be over in a few months and then you can start over new. You already are starting over new. You work so hard for school, you never got in any trouble here, they even allow you to leave the center for a whole day, I bet there aren't many who gained that trust for being that reliable. So don't let this define you. I know it's hard. And I know I have a great Dad. But at least I know how it feels to have a mum who refuses to see you when you need her. She never came when I was in hospital. I mean, we didn't know where she was or is but my Dad called her sister to tell what happened and pleaded her to pass the news, to tell her to come and see me but she didn't come. And if she should ever come back, I'm done with her. Your parents have no legal rights over you so you don't have to see them again. So cut that tie. It feels better if you make that decision instead of always being at the receiving end, just to get disappointed over and over again. But, for what it's worth, I think you're more, so much more. And...you're not alone, you have me...if you want..."

He studied the girl on his chest for a brief moment, mesmerized by her speech and the transformation she'd undergone while talking, some silent tears trickling down her cheeks but steady and determined voice, how she built a case and how persuading she was. And how that changed with her last sentence, when she offered herself. Which was the best part about her speech to him. But she has no idea how great she is, he thought.

"Of course I want that. Being with you. C'mere. I...thanks for listening.  
Unfortunately that'll stick with me for a while I guess. Even with knowing you're right. It was horrible. And you know what I hate most about it? That he still gets me. Even after years. As soon as he was here he got under my skin and messed with me. So much that I even took it out on you. I'm  
sorry. Truly and very sorry."

He carefully had lifted and turned her on her back while speaking, hovering above her and looking down on her. Besides that one short kiss before breakfast he hadn't even kissed her properly today and maybe it was about time to change that. Using his index finger he trailed her lower lip, his touch elusive and soft, his eyes silently seeking permission to kiss her. 

When he leant in and kissed her he had to hold himself back as he felt a sudden surge of yearning he hadn't known before, he was longing for her and closeness with her. Their kiss soon deepened, and he felt her warm hands sliding under his shirt and ground himself into her, he just wanted to be closer and convey what she meant to him. Never before he'd allowed that need taking over in the way it did now, probing and savoring her mouth and kissing her with a deep want.

When one of his hands went under her shirt he reminded himself to calm down, the last thing he wanted after that fight in the morning was to scare her. He'd touched and caressed her breasts through the fabric of her underwear for half of an eternity the last time they'd been here and she'd been turned on by his gentle provocation, that had been obvious. So he fondled the soft curve of her waist and moved his hand slowly upwards, gently tracing the rim of her bra. Needless to say he was immensly pleased when she arched against him in anticipation.

"You liked that? Want me to do it again? Cause I'd really like doing that", he whispered in her ear, his right hand cupping her right breast and kneading it gently. Feeling her nipple hardening under his palm made him swell in an instant.

"I'd like that. But...", she bit her lower lip as his hand resumed massaging her breast and exhaled, "I thought maybe you could help me to get rid of my shirt first?"

That hadn't happened before and he certainly wouldn't have suggested it today after being such a jerk this week. But now she sat up and so did he, looking at her beautiful face and her blue eyes, wondering what he'd done to gain her trust. Without breaking eye contact she slowly raised her arms, a graceful movement, and left it to him to lift her shirt and fling it off. She sprawled back into the sleeping bag's warmth then and he was allowed to look.

"God, Carrie, you're drop dead gorgeous", was all he could offer as it was true.

Her skin was milkwhite, almost creamy and she had a small cute mole next to her bellybutton. 

Although his hands already had been exploring under her shirt all of what was revealed now it felt very different to see her, unguarded and exposed for him. He gently placed his hand on the soft curve of her waist and smoothed it reverently over her warm skin, being very pleased and just a little smug when he saw her getting goosebumps. 

She saw a spark in his eyes and the corners of her mouth curled up into a halfsmile as she gave him a small shove against his sternum.

"It's kinda cold, that's all."

"I see. Very cold."

"And I wasn't suggesting that I'm the only one undressing here. I thought...maybe you wanna take your shirt off too?"

He didn't need any further encouragement with that request and sat up again, pulling his shirt messily and hastily over his head. When he came out of it his hair was even more unruly than before and she had a moment to look at him while he raked his fingers through the darkbrown strands. Not that it had an effect at all and she loved the way how those tufts seemed to have a will of their own.

Feeling a bit self-aware and a bit cold she sneaked her arms around his neck and leant into him, enjoying the sensation of his naked skin against hers. He buried both of them deeper into the warm fabric of his sleeping back as much as he'd enjoyed seeing more of her. But it was indeed still cold, he didn't mind, but he could see her being cold. And he didn't want her to get dressed again too soon.

Feeling raw and vulnerable after what his week had brought, and after the fight and reliving his father's visit through telling her, it was a relief to just sink into her embrace and share tenderness and love with her. 

She was soft and pliant against his body, generous with her kisses and caresses and he didn't worry anymore about her noticing his erection. Quite contrary, he knew she'd noticed and the way she moaned when he pressed himself against her was utterly exciting.

She gasped when he returned to caress her breasts, biting into his lower lip and wiggling her hips in a way which made him loosing his mind. That was too good to stop so he kept doing it, this time adding a probing thumb grating across her nipple which caused her shivering.

"Carrie...", his voice was hoarse, and when he looked at her his eyes were dark, clouded from arousal, "I'd really like...", he kept caressing her breast, gently kneading this time, exactly the way he sensed she liked most, "...I wanna see you...touch you...can I open it? I'll stop right away if you call it, I promise. But I'd really like to do that."

She looked straight into his eyes, he saw a faint pink on her cheeks and wasn't sure if she blushed or was aroused or maybe both. But she slowly nodded.

"You don't need to ask. I can veto if I don't want a certain thing. And you don't need to promise to stop if I ask you each time I see you. I know that. I trust you. I want that."

"God, Carrie, you have no idea what you mean to me. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you, you know that I love you, do you?"

Again she looked at him with those big blues eyes full of love and that always got him, even if he sometimes still wondered what on earth he'd done to gain that trust and love. But not now, now he just wanted to be with her and prove her that he was worth her trust.

He tried to slip his hands behind her back to fumble the tiny hooks open, hoping he wasn't getting ahead of himself without actually seeing what he was doing, but was surprised by a soft giggle.

"Wrong side. It opens on the front."

He'd never had that before. That was going to be...interesting. So he moved his hands back to her breasts, still neatly covered under white cotton with small blue dots.

He couldn't know that it had been Maggie's careful hand directing Carrie to this choice. Until recently Carrie had opted for bra camis or cotton sport bras for running but about a week ago Maggie had taken her for shopping, saying she might wanna be prepared for moving on a bit. It had been a fun outing, they both bought new underwear and for the first time Carrie confided some details about the new found intimacy with Quinn to her sister. They'd been for icecream afterwards and seen a movie and Maggie had trusted her with some details about hers and Bill's current state of affairs and the journey they'd taken to get there.

"What's here to giggle?"

She blushed and he could eat her up.

"Maggie helped me to choose that. She said it's more fun for you...and me..."

He'd make it fun for her, he'd make sure of that.

"Just tell how you like it, okay? Or if you don't like it. We'll always take our time. There won't be any pressure from my side. I just want it to be good for you."

"Quinn?"

"Yeah?"

"If you want me", her eyes searched his, "to do anything you like you could tell me that too, you know? I mean, we can talk about these things, can't we? You can tell me what you like either."

Bending his head down his forehead touched hers.

"I will, Carrie, I will. But this here now...right now that's all I want."

He briefly considered kissing her while opening the small magnet clasp but this was to good to miss - he wanted to see her and what was going to be revealed from beneath the cups.

So he carefully opened the clasp and was about to ease the cups away, peeling them of her perfect skin.

But he noticed he was holding his breath and so was she so he took a moment to take his eyes back up to hers and to give a what he hoped to be reassuring smile. She smiled back, then started to bite her lower lip with her teeth, while she looked at him expectantly.

When he finally flapped the cups open and was allowed to look at what he revealed he thought how perfect she was.

They were firm and round and before he even touched her the puff of cold air and maybe the anticipation made her dark rosé small nubs tighten and that view was arousing beyond words.

When he moved his hands to cup them he hold still for a few  
seconds, giving her and himself time to adjust to these new sensations. It felt incredibly good, for both of them.

He resisted the temptation to kiss her again, he just wanted to look at her while caressing her like this, and so he saw her closing her eyes when he gently started kneading her now naked breasts and saw her gasping for air when he caressed one nipple just with the tip of his thumb. He himself had to inhale sharply at the flash of arousal which seeing her like this sent through his loins. 

He'd placed himself near her thigh and closed the last inch now, pressing against her and allowing himself to gently add some pressure for himself there. She felt what he was doing, of course she did, and her hand stroked from his shoulder over his naked back down to his ass and pressed him closer while wiggling her hips dangerously.

After another look to those gorgeous breasts under his palms and fingers he dropped his head and leant in to finally kiss her, not stopping his tender assaults further south and not stopping the careful rhythm at her thigh.

They were both lost in the escalating pleasure and maelstrom of sensations. He felt her hands on his back, his chest and through the denim on his ass, he kissed and savoured her mouth, didn't stop  
kneading her breasts, circled his index finger around the nipple, slow circles and faster rounds, pleased by the moans she exhaled and couldn't resist to let his mouth trail down from her mouth along her neck and clavicle. She clinged onto his shoulders and when he brushed his mouth over one of her nipples she inhaled sharply. He did it again, with the same result. He loved that he could do this to her, both being allowed to do it and her apparently enjoying it. So he did it once more, this time to stay with her and cover the small bud with his mouth for a kiss which made her release a small whimper. God, this was running him crazy. He brought himself on top of her, balancing his weight on his elbows and resumed stimulating her breast with his mouth, gently sucking and teasing, completly immersed in pleasure.

She wiggled and arched beneath him and he knew she brought him dangerously close to loose his mind and not being able to keep his promise and stop and surely he wouldn't wanna shoot stealthy into his pants while rubbing himself at her leg without her even knowing what he was up to, or wasn't he? So he broke away, not without placing another reverent kiss on each breast, and rolled himself next to her pulling her in a close embrace.

"Carrie...if we go on with this, I can't guarantee that I won't...or more to the point, I could guarantee with a 100% that I'd come within the next five minutes tops...and I...as much as I'd like that, it shouldn't happen like this...we're not there yet...but being with you...being allowed to...does that to me...that was too good..."

She smiled, eyes still closed.

"No, we're not there yet. But we'll get there."

She nestled closer into his arms, still out of breath and kissed him, slow and deep, taking her time to descend before she pulled back a bit and opened her eyes, pupils still dilated.

"That was...", she had difficulties to finish the sentence so she left it unfinished.

"Yeah, it was."

There was still time so they stayed where they were, sheltered against all   
difficulties and adversities, providing a safe harbour for each other.

It was a while later, she'd drifted away for about an hour and he'd held and watched her in her sleep, feeling a contentment he hadn't known before. She woke up again, langourously stretching and offering him a heartbreakingly wonderful view, and caught his gaze, looking right into his eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey. I fell asleep."

"I know. You didn't snore."

The corners of his eyes crinkled and she was thinking not for the first time to day how absolutely madly she was in love with him. So maybe it was time to let him know.

"I love you."

"I love you. But it's always nice to hear you saying it. You had an epiphany in your sleep?", he teased her.

"No. I know that. And it won't go away. So better get used to it."

He placed another kiss on her forehead.

"I like getting used to it and this."

"You didn't have to stop, you know? I mean..."

"Carrie", he brushed a thumb over her cheek, "it means a lot you saying this but I want it to be special. For both of us. There's no pressure from my side."

"I like that. And I like taking it slow. I just want you to know if it happens by accident, it wouldn't be a problem. I mean...it just means...you like what we're doing too, right?"

"Was there anything indicating I didn't like it? Carrie, being allowed to see you and touch you like this was driving me mad. But I hate the fact that I'll have to say good-bye soon and won't see you for another four weeks", he put a strand of her hair behind her ear and bent in for a quick kiss, "and that's why. I don't want to let you go. And if we decide to take things further, I couldn't stand not seeing you for that long right after."

"I'm not there yet. I like us taking it slow. Just want you to know an accident wouldn't need to make you feel bad."

"We just need to pause every now and then. And you decide when you want us to move on."

"I thought...", she blushed but didn't break eye contact, "I mean, we do a bit more each time we come here and I want that...with you...but maybe we wait for that until you are out of here and we can see each other more often? Would that be okay? Or is that too long?"

Framing her face with his hands he leant in to kiss her, trying to find the right words.

"Carrie, we'll wait as long as you want us to wait. There's no, absolutely no pressure from my side. I don't want us to rush. And about what you suggested, I think that's a very good idea."

"But we can do more of what we did today."

He chuckled, thinking he was with the most ravishing girl in history.

"You liked that, uhm? Me too. I don't think we'll get bored. C'mere. There's plenty things we can do. And will do."

He pulled her in for another kiss and allowed himself to just enjoy her tender caresses this time. She took her time, stroking and fondling and kissing, wanting to explore his body and reactions as he had done with her earlier. He never had experienced that before, with so much time and patience, as his previous encounters usually had been of a more hurried nature and...it didn't matter anymore, he decided, this was his new reality, surprisingly enough. So he just surrendered to her touch until she suddenly stopped. His brain was a blurry haze at that time and he had difficulties to snap out of it, finding her sprawled on top of him and staring at him.

"What's wrong?"

"I forgot the most important thing."

"Which is?"

"You're allowed to come to visit us, me, for three days over Labour Day weekend. I meant to tell you on phone this week. But...", her voice trailed off.

"Yeah, and I was a jerk and missed that date, I know."

"Anyway. Tom called Dad earlier this week. He negotiated that. Others can go home too when there's no indicator they might be a flight risk. So apparently that Mike you told me about had a word for you and said you should be allowed to."

He was stunned. Three days. And Labour Day wasn't that far away.

"Hey. You lost your voice?"

"Kind of. Just stunned."

Her eyes softened and so did her voice, when she slid from his chest next to him, now caressing his shoulder.

"You won't be here forever. This is a good thing. Not just for us", she smiled at that but turned back to serious immediatly, "but for you as well. They trust you and they start to loosen restrictions. And if we don't mess this up there will be more soon."

She was right, it was called transition period, he was supposed to settle back in into real life, into a family routine, well, for those who had a family.

Just that he had no idea what real life would be for him. But he decided not to cloud this day, which against all odds had turned out to be great, with those doubtful thoughts.

Three days.

"And your Dad agreed?"

"He did. It was his idea. You charmed him. He likes you. He even thinks you're good for me." She had a mock serious expression now and he was suddenly in a great mood, he loved teasing and joking Carrie.

"I'm pretty satisfied as long as I manage to charme you, but I'm  
very grateful for your Dad's friendship and generosity. So three days, uhm?"

"Yeah. Dad will pick you up Friday and you'll need to be back Monday night."

"That sounds great."

"What do you wanna do?"

"Don't know. I honestly don't know. Until two minutes ago I didn't know about it and it's not that I have settled weekend routines. What do you guys do for weekends? I mean, I know, you like reading and hanging out with your sister but as a family?"

"It's May then, so maybe we'll have a BBQ with the neighbors or Dad's friends. If there's a game we watch it together, with popcorn, Dad always makes popcorn then. Maggie usually sees Bill at least once or they go out on Saturday and he's around for dinner on Sunday most weeks. I like going for a run early mornings. Dad listens to music and rants about politics. Sunday he goes to church. He's happy if Maggie or I join but it's not mandatory. It's pretty relaxed with us, I guess. Maggie's chores for the weekends are cooking Sunday dinner and doing the laundry, just washing, we all fold our own stuff, and mine are cleaning the bathrooms and going with Dad to the store to buy groceries for the following week. And as long as we do these without delay Dad doesn't mind what else we choose to do. So what would you wanna do?"

She was excited, he could see that, but he really didn't know.

"Uhm, maybe sleeping a bit longer as 5.30? Going for a run with you? Maybe seeing a movie? Having dinner with you all? Helping Maggie cooking?", he offered, seeing that she wasn't very pleased with his choices.

"We'll come up with something."

"Carrie. No need to come up with anything. I haven't had a weekend with a family since my grandma died, so just the normal stuff sounds great. And", he cradled her in his arms and kissed her forehead, "seeing you for three days in a row sounds just too great to be true."

\--------------

Frank saw them from his seat in the corner next to the window. One of Carrie's fortes had always been how she sticked to her word and so he hadn't really been worried she might be late but still he was relieved when he saw the two of them together.

He had noticed some clouds on the youngs love's sky earlier that week but hadn't commented on it and neither had Carrie. Even when she'd forbidden him to go and see the boy last night she hadn't mentioned what had happened. Although Maggie had given him a heads up that Quinn hadn't called all week and there hadn't been a letter.

So he had been worried. His youngest daughter had always been volatile and it hadn't been a real surprise to him when she'd had her first full blown episode and her condition got a name tag then. He had known before that he'd probably passed that a difficult set of genes to her and had tried to protect her as long as he could, always knowing that adolescence' hormones would kick start it eventually.

As far as his own experience was any help he tried to convey to her that it was not only a burden. The difficult sides of it could be handled, more or less successful. He wouldn't go so far to call it a gift but it came with a certain perceptiveness for human needs and wants and emotions others didn't have. He knew she had it too, especially when he saw how she'd gravitated towards Quinn who was clearly a troubled soul either.

After Carrie's hospitalization he'd feared something in her might have been broken beyond repair. But she'd bounced back, tough cookie that she was, his girl. And then school had given her a hard time and those cracks and scars hadn't healed easily, someone she'd trusted had literally ripped her skin off which in a way had been much worse as her time at the hospital Frank figured. She didn't talk about it. Never.

And then Quinn came along.

She'd chosen him and with quiet determination was willing to endure what was anything else but supportive conditions for a teenager's first love. She didn't even complain. She just wrote her letters and her face lit up when she received his letters. And she was glowing when she came back from spending the day with him. 

But he'd seen it with Maggie. She'd chosen Bill and they were together for years now. His girls weren't the type to mess around and so he was pretty sure Quinn Foley would be around for longer if he wanted that too.

And the very few times he'd seen the chap for dinner now gave him the implication that the boy was serious as hell about his adoration for Carrie.

And right now as they walked towards the diner he saw him jerking Carrie's hand, they were about 20 yards away, and Carrie stopped to look up at him. Frank saw him smiling while he said something and his daughter smiled back, open and unguarded, a rare and beautiful sight. Then Quinn bent down and kissed her forehead while cupping Carrie's face with his palm.

Carrie said something and took his hand to place a kiss on his palm.

It was a sweet scene and Frank was glad that their first bad storm apparently was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those of you who left all those comments - it's always a great pleasure.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Labour Day Weekend - Quinn is visiting the Mathison family.

Frank picked him up Friday afternoon. Carrie told him on phone he would come alone and without her mentioning it he assumed he would have to brace for a kind of birds and bees talk. Well, it couldn't be worse as the sex education sessions they had at the center. Those were gruesome. Including condoms and bananas. 

He had to participate and he was glad that so far he'd managed to keep Carrie's existence hidden from his peers. By now every other boy from his wilderness programm had left the center and he hadn't formed real friendships with the new arrivals. Just one guy, Rob was his name, they used to go running together since a couple of weeks. He did even talk less than he did but after watching his habits for about a month he'd asked him if he had a girl.

Frank had promised to start from Arlington right after his last lesson at school so he expected him for around 3 pm. He wanted to ask him to do some shopping on the way, painfully aware of his lack of personal items, the clothes Frank had brought him on the day of his hearing being his only civilian clothes. He even had money, the state of Maryland paid him a weekly allowance he hadn't touched yet, at least not for anything else than some stamps and change for phonecalls.

And he wanted a present for Carrie as it had been her birthday two weeks ago. He'd been allowed to call her for an extra thirty minutes on a Wednesday. A reward for good behaviour, Mike had said when he'd asked him if he could post an extra letter that week. 

She hadn't known that he would call and the genuine surprise and joy in her voice nearly made up for not being able to see her that day.

She'd been in her room as he'd waited for bedtime, not wanting to disturb the family dinner and movie night she'd told him about. That, and being alone with her, hoping for some shared moments of closeness.

It had been great thirty minutes and when he'd said how much he longed for kissing her she'd even teased him with "Only a kiss...or maybe some other things too?"

They both had fallen silent for a long moment after his somehow hoarse "Yeah, that too". Not an awkward silence but meaningful.

So he knew he had it coming when Frank cleared his throat after turning into the highway.

"So, I'll try to make this short as it's gonna be awkward, I guess. But as you'll spend three days with us now - and let me emphasize it's not only Carrie who's happy about that - I guess it's time to talk. I won't tell you what you can do or can't do as I'm well aware that it doesn't need darkness and a bed for certain things to happen."

"Well, it's not that we just went for hikes and...", he interrupted himself, thinking how stupid one person - that person being himself - could be.

"Thanks for rubbing that under my nose and be glad I appreciate some bluntness every now and then", there even was a smile in Frank's voice.

"I'm sorry. It's just..."

"Awkward, as I said. But, as this is new for all of us I assume, I talked with Carrie about some ground rules for this first visit."

He was grateful for Frank stressing the word 'first' for various reasons as it implied there might be more visits and more flexible rules for later visits. 

"We agreed you'll sleep in the guest room. But you're allowed to be in her room, of course you are, how about let's say until 11 pm?"

It was indeed very awkward although he appreciated Frank's light approach.

"Listen, I...obviously you already spoke with Carrie which is...absolutely right as she is your daughter. Maybe she told you...and if not...well...it's just we agreed not to...nothing significant...until I'm able to be around more often. I...I want...to make it right...", he felt red heat rising in his cheeks, this was her father for god's sake, "...for her. So we're not there yet. Don't worry."

Although he stared out of the window he felt Frank casting a long sideglance. The elder man took a deep sigh before answering.

"She didn't say a lot. It's not an easy topic for father and daughter. But as her mom isn't around anymore...I guess you know I appreciate that she's with a decent guy who doesn't take this too easy but with honesty and integrity. So I'll spare both of us the part where I tell you I'll kill you in case you'll break her heart."

"Appreciate that."

"But I'm glad you're taking it slow, believe an old teacher saying that isn't usual these days among kids...teenagers...whatever. It's just...do you talk about her condition?"

"Sometimes."

He didn't feel comfortable to talk about Carrie without her being around so he kept his answer brief.

"Let's just say she's fragile. More as one might think."

"You don't think I'll mess with her or am like my father? Cause I'm not and I..."

Frank heard the strain in his voice and interrupted him.

"No, chap, sorry, of course not. That's absolutely not what I was trying to convey. I am sorry. Carrie's condition might not always make her react in the way someone without that condition might react in the same situation. I just want you to know that. Emotional triggers can have huge impact on her, to both sides. So..."

"So...you telling me you only wanna protect her?"

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to say."

"I get it", and then after a beat, "Me too, I guess. And...thanks for not holding my father against me."

They stopped at a mall on their way and Quinn was glad when Frank indicated him with his newspaper in his hand he would sit with a cup of coffee and wait for him.

He didn't bother much about clothes but didn't wanna spend the weekend with shirts and pyjamas saying 'property of the federal state of Maryland'. So he made some quick choices and probably would be allowed to use the washing machine tonight.

The next item on his mental shopping list was more delicate and difficult. Carrie's belated birthday present. He had thought about it a lot and it was difficult. He'd never bought a birthday present for a girl, not that he had bought a lot of presents recently at all. Never, as far as he recalled. Not counting the lavender soap for Nana for their last Christmas many years ago.

But thinking about his Nana had started an idea. And finally he thought he knew what he wanted but hadn't been sure if it was the right thing to do. But after contemplating for several nights over and over again it still felt right, especially after that phonecall on her birthday.

And if he remembered correctly that kind of shop existed in most of the malls he'd ever been too. And he was right and it still felt right so he quickly made the purchase before thinking it over again.

\---------------------

They arrived early evening, right in time for dinner as Frank pointed out while he opened the door. The girls had volunteered to cook and in the hallway lingered a delicious heavy scent of garlic, roasted onions, meat and tomatoes.

"Italian, Ossobucco I guess", was Frank's satisfied comment before he walked back out to the garage, saying he would grab some cold drinks. Maggie and Carrie were nowhere to be seen either so Quinn went upstairs to put his bags into the guestroom. 

Carrie waited for him there, sitting on the edge of the bed.

They hadn't seen each other since three weeks.

She looked up when he entered the room and smiled, and he thought he was the luckiest guy between here and the west coast.

"Hey."

"Hey. So this is where you're hiding."

"Maggie got a phonecall from Bill, he'll be around later but needs to pick up his sister from softball practise first. I used my chance to abandon the herbs I had to cut into nano-sized bits and to sneak upstairs."

"I see. Any particular reason for that?"

She got up and walked the few steps into his direction.

"No. None besides maybe wanting to have a moment alone with you."

Her eyes locked with his for a long moment as he felt her fingers slipping into his hand and her other arm sneaking around his waist. He was glad there was apparently no awkwardness between them even if they hadn't the walk up to the forest here to get used to each other's presence again.

So he thought it might be okay to kiss her right away, just a brief hello. He bent down and when his lips rested on hers, lingering a moment longer as a simple 'hello' maybe would require.

When they broke the kiss she rested with her cheek against his chest, both her arms firmly around him now.

Kissing the top of her head he murmured "I'm here now. Three days."

"I know. Sounds to good to be true, doesn't it?"

"It's just three more months. Seven are already behind us."

Still he had no idea what would happen then, but it could only get better, even if he'd had to cross two cities to see her, he could do that every weekend. No need for any other pastime or hanging out with some guys from whatever new school.

"Dinner's gonna be ready any minute. I was just putting these here as my cover." She pointed to some towels on the guestroom's bed. "Maybe we can go and sit a bit in the garden after dinner?"

"Sure, I'd like that."

He'd decided to let her lead for this weekend, he would just try to blend in into the family routine, trying not to be a burden for any of them. 

It was the best dinner he'd ever had. Maggie's boyfriend arrived when they were about to settle around the table and he seemed to be a nice guy who liked baseball, so Frank and he were discussing the last Orioles game while Carrie and Maggie had a fun argument about the necessity of lemon zest in the sauce. After the delicious dinner they started to discuss politics, Clinton's first hundred days as president. And again he was amazed by how much Carrie and Maggie knew about this stuff and how Frank encouraged them to have a position and argue.

A bit later Maggie and Bill left to meet some friends and Frank retreated to his study to listen to music.

"So it's us doing the dishes", Carrie mock complained with a smile. He didn't mind, any task that included being with her was fine for him.

She took two Soda and a blanket afterwards and he followed her to the backside deck where she indicated him to sit down in the porch swing, nestled herself next to him and unfolded the blanket over their knees. It wasn't to cool but he'd noticed her bare legs under her denim skirt and didn't mind the blanket at all.

"We can go to cinema with Maggie and Bill tomorrow evening and Sunday evening we'll have a BBQ with some of our neighbors and Dad's friends. Bill's parents and sisters will be here too. That's all I planned, you get to decide the rest."

"Do I have to decide now?"

"No. But...", she leant in with a smile and he folded her in his arm close to his chest, "I thought some time alone might be nice too. Maggie offered to take us along tonight too but I said we'd rather stay here."

"That's right."

"How was it, I mean with Dad?"

"Oh, he just gave me a gentle reminder how he's gonna kill me if I don't behave."

"He did say that?!"

"In other words. No, it wasn't too bad. Just a bit odd. And maybe a little late, I'd expected to be lectured earlier, honestly, as he allows us to spend the days in Flintstone alone."

"Maybe he thinks it's too cold there for anything...significant...it was winter most of the time."

That was true. Frank couldn't know about the sleeping bag.

"He was still nice. And I get it. I mean he has to say something before I'm here for three days."

"He said you're allowed in my room til eleven."

"That's still some time", while checking his watch.

Of course he was testing the water and of course she knew.

He felt her hand on his knee and slipped his own hand under the blanket, covering hers with a squeeze.

"Hey. No rush. Three days. We don't wanna mess with your Dad's generosity and just because I'm here now there's still no pressure or expectations involved. And if you don't want me in your room because it feels odd with your Dad downstairs or next door that's fine too. This here is great. We can just sit here and snuggle under the blanket and talk."

And that was what they did for about an hour. She'd to hand in her choices for subjects in senior highschool soon and wanted his opinion and she told him about the book she just started reading 'The Virgin Suicides'. She said it was haunting and tender at the same time and he should read it too.

At this time his hand had found his way to her bare knee and he used his thumb to draw soft circles just next to it at the juncture to her thigh and wasn't really listening. But he really made an effort to snap out of what he was thinking about and to engage in the conversation.

"How can a book about suicide be tender?"

"You know what? We can read it together. We take turns in reading loud and then you can take my copy with you and I get another one from the library. It's upstairs, c'mon."

So she wanted to read. Fine.

He hadn't been to her room before. Apparently she was a neat freak, the only thing not painfully straight and organized in her room was a large pinboard with what seemed like dozens of cards organized with yarn in different colours. She followed his eyes and blushed. "That's for my literature project. I'm writing about Virginia Woolf. She probably was bipolar too."

Her furniture was white but she had a lot of colourful cushions and pillows.

On her desk was a small stash of library books, all written by or about Virginia Woolf. And a lot of coloured fineliners and Sharpies next to coloured post it notes.

She had a lot books, bookshelves were covering most of the walls. Next to the window stood a huge wing chair, probably inherited from her father or grandfather.

On her nightstand was a writing pad next to a phone, he recognized the paper, she used that for writing letters, and seven coloured fineliners, one colour for each day of the week, he knew that by now. The said book rested on one of the pillows on her bed.

She had a small stereo on a small desk next to the wing chair but as he only saw two records he assumed the Mathison family stored the records in the living room downstairs and she just took upstairs what she wanted to listen to.

There were no posters on the walls, nothing except the pinboard. He hadn't expected her to be into boygroups but it was still good to see he'd been right.

It felt good to be in her room.

He waited for her to choose where to sit, hearing the faint sound of some music washing through the house from downstairs.

Meanwhile she'd climbed her bed, he got a promising glimpse of naked skin on her thigh as her skirt-hem rode a bit upwards, and padded the spot next to her, the book in her hand.

She read the first chapter to him, the back of her head resting on his abdomen, one leg crossed over the other knee, his hand buried in her hair, his other hand on her tummy.

He felt himself relaxing, even without having noticed not being relaxed before. Listening to her voice, on her bed, while she was using him as her personal pillow, felt oddly normal.

When she finished the chapter she turned around on her belly, facing him.

"Wanna continue reading now?"

"Actually...", he checked his watch, "...no...it's ten thirty now and if I have a say in this, I'll prefer this."

While speaking he put his hands under her armpits and pulled her up on his chest, mesmerized by her smile as she looked down on him.

"The book's a great read and it's gonna be my turn tomorrow but now I wanna kiss you and make some use of my allocated time slot here."

And then, not teasing anymore, "I missed you".

They were careful, both having to get used to the new setting. Just some kisses and tight embraces.

He extricated a few minutes before eleven.

"So I'll be at a safe distance tonight but you can call me in case you fear monsters under your bed."

That brought him a punch into his back.

"I'll send the house ghost haunting you and then you'll cry for me."

He kissed her once more, gentle and without heat now.

"I wouldn't mind you as a nightly visitor. Thanks for tonight. It was great. Everything. Good night."

"Good night. Ah, Quinn? I'm usually up first on Saturdays. Maggie and Dad are sleepy heads. Wanna join me for a bike ride? I thought I go and do my shopping chores early so we can spend the rest of the day like we want. Bill dropped his bike here so you can use it."

"Sure. Whatever you wanna do works for me."

"So coffee and cereals at 7.30 maybe?"

"Deal."

And after another tender kiss he left her room at eleven sharp, well aware of the shadow downstairs, next to the stairs. Well, he couldn't blame Frank.

After hanging his laundry to dry a couple of minutes later, Frank seemed to be back in his study, he was about to go upstairs when he heard Carrie's voice in the study too.

He didn't wanna eavesdrop so he hurried back up the stairs, just hearing how she said good night and then Frank's deeper voice.

"Night, hon. I'm glad you're both making it so easy for me."

He was in his room now and so he didn't hear the rest.

"Dad? I...just know we're not there yet. You don't need to worry."

"Oh, Carrie, it's not that I'm worrying about. Don't think that. Dads always worry. That's kind of a job description. And it's a delicate matter. But I'd never doubt your or your sister's judgement when it comes to falling in love and all what might come with it. I just want you to be happy, Carrie."

"I guess, that's what I am, happy."

"Quinn's making you happy?"

"Yeah. He does. But it's not only that. I think we're really having a good time, Maggie, you and I, don't we? Even without...I mean, I still miss her and I know you do too...but we're coping well, aren't we?"

"We are, Carrie, we are. I'm a lucky old Dad. And it means a lot to me that you trust me enough to have this talk."

"Dad?"

"Uhm?"

"Remember that talk in the clinic?"

"I do. Wanna talk about it?"

Carrie nodded and talked quickly, avoiding eye-contact.

"It's just that I never felt that way. Does it have to be like this? Did you ever feel that way?"

Frank took a deep breath. That had been an awful day. And he hadn't dared to raise the topic again although he'd really planned to.

"It doesn't have to be like that. But it can happen. Taking your meds is a big step to prevent any of these things to happen."

"Did you ever feel that way? Was that...why mom left...I'm sorry and you don't have to answer but...it's kind of important, I guess..."

"Carrie, as I said, we can and should talk about these things. No, that's not why your mom left. I never cheated. But, yes, there was a time long ago when I felt that way. Before I even met your mom. It wasn't such a big deal then during the late sixties monogamy wasn't a very well received concept among students anyway. But I went off my meds, started drinking too much and did some other really dumb things. But each case can be different. It doesn't have to be like this. Meds are better these days. Doctors know more about the condition. Preventive treatment has much more options as there were back then. Chances are you'll never have a fullblown episode ever again as long as you take your meds and know your triggers. As you know your Dad's a bit strange and irritating but I haven't been manic for more than 20 years. Depressive streaks were an issue now and then but those can be controlled far more easily."

"Thanks for telling me."

"Did you speak with Quinn about that?"

"Not yet."

"But you want to?"

"Not sure."

"But there's something else?" Frank was pretty sure there was more but he felt like on very thin ice and suddenly was very angry with Ellen leaving their precious daughters without any maternal advice in that delicate matter, at least Carrie. On the other hand - Carrie had always been his girl and Ellen had never been the most warm-hearted and accessable person anyway.

"There is...", Carrie blushed and looked away.

Frank felt a wave of love for his younger daughter. It just wasn't fair. She shouldn't have to carry such a burden and he wished he could shoulder it for her. He just waited, she'd talk when she'd be ready.

"What they said about the hypersexuality...do you think actually having sex could start it?"

There we go, he thought, one thoughtless misplaced comment of a well-meaning but exaggerating doctor and this had probably been with her ever since then.

"No. I do not just think so. I know. That's not gonna happen. Absolutely not. Carrie, having sex with someone you are in love with is a wonderful thing and once you enter that stage in a relationship you will probably want more of it - with that specific person. I assume Quinn's gonna be that person for you. But that's not what hypersexuality is about. And it won't start it. As long as you take your meds and we follow the doctors' advice in terms of sleep, keeping an eye on stress and all that, nothing's gonna happen. And even if you should ever go through an unstable phase again it doesn't have to be part of it. That I can promise you. Don't listen to everything the doctors say. You have your own case study, named Dad, and believe me: not everything they tell you about will eventually happen", he paused for a moment, looking at her, "you don't have to answer, dear, but you think you'd like to have sex with Quinn?"

"As I said, not yet. But eventually...in some time...yes I think so."

"And what the doctor said is holding you back?"

"I don't know. No, actually. We're not that far yet. But it...wasn't nice to hear...and I wanted to know. Because it was a bit distressing. Scary."

"No need to worry. I would never lie to you, you know that."

"I do."

"Maybe you should consider to talk with Quinn about some of it."

"Maybe. Maybe I will."

"It's your choice. But I guess he would understand and appreciate you talking to him about your condition. The more he knows the more he'll be able to help you if there ever should be problems. Assuming he'll be around for longer, uhm? He's a good guy. I really approve both of my daughters' choices and I guess there are not many Dads of teenage daughters who feel that way."

Carrie smiled her shy signature smile and got up from her cushion at the floor.

"Hey, c'mere and give your Dad a hug. I'll stop asking about the progress in your love life now but in case you wanna talk about it ever again - I'm here."

"I love you, Dad. You're the best."

"Good night, Carrie, I love you too."

Quinn was laying awake in bed for quite some time, hearing Carrie coming back upstairs and then padding with bare feet to the bathroom and back. He heard Frank's music, piano and saxophone, after a while Maggie came home.

These were the sounds of a family in their home, he thought and it felt good. Odd but good. 

After a while the house was silent and then he fell asleep too.

He woke up early, not being used to sleep in any more. But it was nice to just stay in bed a bit longer, doing nothing, unwatched, unhurried. His sleep had been deep and he felt well rested, it was a difference to the nights he spent in a dorm with seven other guys.

When he heard the newspaper being delivered he got up and allowed himself the luxury of a long shower and went downstairs then. Carrie wasn't around yet so he set the table for four, so it would not look strange in case Maggie and Frank would come down early, and started the coffee machine. Carrie said 'coffee' yesterday, but he couldn't imagine her drinking black coffee so be warmed some milk and was just about to sit down with a cup of coffee when he heard someone coming downstairs.

"Good morning."

Her hair was still wet from the shower and she was wearing shorts and a buttoned shirt and again he realized how small and slender she was when she stood right in front of him. He liked that. He liked being able to wrap her in his arm or to accommodate all of her splayed out on his body.

"Everybody else still asleep?"

"Yes. Maggie was back late and Dad listened music for quite a while, usually they are never down before nine."

"Good. So I can do this."

And he lifted her and put her on the kitchen counter, placing himself between her knees.

"Good morning."

And then he kissed her, a bit more urgent as he had intended but after a short moment of surprise he felt her kissing back and that was a great way to start a Saturday.

But then she pulled back, smiling, and jumped off the counter.

"I take it you slept well?"

"I did. And you?"

"Took me a while to find sleep. But then it was okay. So, I smell coffee."

"I didn't know how you like your coffee. But there's some warm milk."

"That's exactly how I like my coffee. Just, usually I'm too lazy to warm the milk and then with cold milk it cools down far too quickly. Thank you."

After breakfast Carrie got a backpack and the shopping list and they did a bikeride through the nearby nature reservate and then after about two hours to the supermarket.

"Dad will get the meat and sausages from the local butcher so we don't need much. Anything particular you want? Any cravings?"

"Peanutbutter cookies."

"Why didn't you say that earlier? I could bring you some when I visit you. Let's get some baking supplies they're supereasy to make says Maggie. She'll make you some to take along."

"Carrie, no. These here are just fine. Maggie doesn't need to bake for me."

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"But?"

"As I said, these are just fine."

She gave him a quizzical look but let it go, at least he thought so.

When they came home there was a note on the counter saying Maggie was with a friend studying for the upcoming exams and Frank was seeing some church friends for brunch, Maggie had added they should be ready by seven for going to the cinema.

So they'd be alone for a few hours.

"What do you wanna do? Reading?"

"Maybe. C'mere. I'm sorry about the cookies."

"What was that about?"

"I don't know. I just don't wanna impose on Maggie or your Dad. They're so kind. But I don't want to be a burden."

"How can you think you are? We all are happy to have you here this weekend. Dad was really excited for you to come. And Maggie...Maggie is the most caring person in the world. And she loves baking. Bill is all about how he can't fatten up because of his baseball training so she'd be glad to find a new victim to feed."

She looked up to him.

"You're not imposing. And I'd bake them myself but Maggie's are much better."

"I'm sorry. It's just...new...I guess."

They went upstairs and he noticed how she made sure the door to her room was closed behind them.

Their was a moment of tension but then she smiled.

"Maybe we can continue reading a bit later?"

"Maybe we can."

"And now?"

"Your choice." And that was true, he wanted her to indicate what she'd be okay with in that new setting.

"When you called for my birthday you said you wanted to kiss me...and some more...so maybe I'll get that kiss now? Just I don't have a sleeping bag."

Taking her hand he lead her to her bed and sat down with her on his lap.

His hand went up to her nape and he pulled her in for a kiss and it was just a short moment later that he sank back into her pillows and she with him.

But before she was willing to grant him another kiss, she returned to the cookies.

"You aren't a burden. For none of us. And here you don't have to be unvisible to not get into trouble. We like to do a little pampering for those we care about. Here in this house you get in trouble if you can't deal with affection."

He knew she was right and it was a stupid argument but he really had felt that way in the supermarket, had been afraid Maggie might be bugged but too kind to say no and he so much wanted to be allowed to come back. Not just to see Carrie, that of course was priority, but to spend more time with these great people in that wonderful normal household.

She sensed what was going on, she always did.

"Hey. Look at me. We're far from perfect. But one thing's never gonna happen here: Nobody will ever be unkind with you in our house. Nobody here is like your father. You matter here."

And with that she finally lowered her head to kiss him. It was a great kiss, finally the kiss that make them forget everything else around them.

Being so close to her in the privacy of her bedroom had an impact. Usually their making out started careful, playful and they always knew that a few stolen hours in a sleeping bag weren't enough. This now, with two more days ahead of them, felt different. 

Their kisses were hot, open-mouthed and breathless and it felt like he would never get enough of her.

She pressed herself against him and his hands went down to cup her ass but even that wasn't enough so he turned her on her back bringing himself above her. He took his weight on his elbows but still pressed his crotch against hers while kissing her and the small gasp she did made him twitch and rock his hips for more pressure and friction.

He felt her hands under his shirt, roaming up his back and one of her legs coming around his hips to lock him close to her body.

He shifted his weight to one side, this was borderline more as he could handle.

Devouring her mouth with another kiss, exploring and probing with his tongue, he let his hand explore the softness beneath her shirt.

When he cupped her breast through the fabric of her bra she arched her back.

"Carrie", he whispered, "I wanna see you...touch you...please...may I take off your shirt?"

"You too. Both of us."

His shirt was gone in a second but he took his time to open all the buttons of her hers instead of just pulling it over her head, kissing the soft skin of her neck and then down along her clavicle while doing so. When the shirt was gone he checked her bra, hooks on the back this time.

"Sit up."

He arranged himself behind her and opened the tiny hooks, cupping her breasts with his hands from behind as soon as the bra was gone. She leant in and closed her eyes, her head back to his shoulder. While fondling and caressing her breasts he pressed his cock against her sweet ass and seeing how her nipples tightened and hearing her moan...

"God, Carrie, you're so beautiful. Turn around. No, don't climb under the blanket right away. I can't get enough of you. Just looking at you."

She splayed on her bed, her torso naked, just wearing her denim shorts.

"Don't feel shy. You're beautiful. I just can't get enough of looking at you", he smoothed his hands reverently over the curve of her waist, "and here it's finally not cold, so I can look."

He stretched next to her and went on with his caresses, leaning in to kiss her and then her breasts, soft and gentle kisses first and then - when she reacted in the way he'd hoped for - sucking and licking the soft and delicate skin. Once he added a bit of grazing teeth and she made a noise between a moan and a whimper.

"You like that? Want me to do it again?"

This time he started with her left breast and nipple and took his time before then granting the twin the same attention. He felt her hands in his hair, just shy of painful but he didn't care. If she only enjoyed this half as much as he did it was worth it.

Those small noises she made...he kissed her again, passionate and possessive, it felt different this time, they were less careful with each other and whereas he'd return to a more gentle fondling and caressing anytime this was great too.

"Kiss them again...please..."

She didn't have to ask twice for that and he took her arched back and ragged breathing as an indicator to swirl his tongue around her nipple, followed by a teasing bite. She writhed in his arm and he immediately stopped, pulling her close.

"What was that?"

"Too much...too good..."

"Again? More gentle?"

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Much more gentle."

He paid more attention this time, learnt to read and anticipate her reactions. But he was amazed what it apparently did to her, hearing the soft sounds she made, seeing her biting her lower lip and rolling her head back on her pillow.

So he nearly missed her small hand slipping into the back of his pants under his waistband, wiggling for a bit more room and then caressing his ass through the cotton of his boxers.

"Carrie", he breathed.

"Not okay?"

"Absolutely okay."

"I...I'm not ready yet...for sleeping with you...just so you now but I..."

"No, Carrie, you don't have to. As I said, no expectations. And we agreed to wait."

"Will you let me finish?"

"Sure. It's just difficult to focus...right now..."

"But I know I want to. Some time soon. And I want us to... maybe take these off?"

He cradled her in his arms and kissed her, trying to convey she was safe with him.

"You sure?"

A nod. So he went first, that was the least he could do. Just his jeans, and then letting her decide if she wanted to take this any further.

It was a relief, his erection had been borderline painful in the firm fabric.

She still laid on her back when he turned back, looking at him, open, beautiful, vulnerable and all he wanted was being with her. 

He pulled her back in his arms and started caressing her with soft strokes, slowly making his way past her navel to her waistline and the button of her shorts. Soon it was open, followed by the zipper. She raised her hips and shimmied them down to her knees and he sat up to pull them away, looking down to her in complete awe. 

She was perfect. The soft curve of her waist, narrow hips, her legs, those breasts he loved to caress...

He placed himself back next to her and enveloped her in his arms, giving both of them a moment.

She searched for his mouth with hers and they lost themselves in that kiss and the new intimacy. 

There was no holding back anymore, he pressed himself against her hip and knew she felt it and obviously enjoyed the friction.

He got goosebumps when she touched him but that was nothing compared to how he felt when she raised and pressed her hand against his shoulder to indicate him to lay on his back. She sat next to him, just in her underwear, looking at him. Which was fair, he thought, he liked to look at her too, maybe it was the same for her. He'd never thought about it yet.

"My turn now", she whispered and started to caress him, soft movements, it tickled, and she bent down, following his collarbone with soft kisses, coming up again, her mouth curved into a smile.

"You feel good. And you taste good."

And she went back, small kisses first, then open-mouthed on his chest and then kissing his nipples, followed by a short gentle suck which made him gasp.

"You like that too?", she sounded surprised but before he could answer she did again and his logical thinking surrendered. 

"Close your eyes", she whispered at some point and he obeyed, feeling how she snuggled against him, nuzzling his neck and earlobe. He clenched her shoulder to pull her even closer.

And then he felt her hand on his abdomen, soft and elusive, and felt how she held her breath and knew what she was about to do and almost trembled in anticipation. She was hesitant, he felt her fingers tracing the waistband of his boxers and then through the fabric of his boxers as her hand came to lay palm down and open on his erection. It was just a soft touch and he felt her heart beating against the side of his ripcage. His own heart did a pretty good clip as well, that he could tell.

She started moving her hand, caressing him through his boxers and he couldn't help it but had to moan.

"Do you like that?", she whispered in his ear, her hairs tickling him.

"Carrie", he breathed, "yeah, that's..."

And then they both heard the back door opening and closing again. Carrie nearly jumped out of her skin and so did he when he heard Maggie's voice on the stairs.

"Carrie, did you take my Thesaurus? It was in my bag yesterday and now it wasn't. Carrie?"

Before Maggie was upstairs on the first landing Carrie was back in her pants and he gave her her shirt which she quickly put on, time only allowed her to close three buttons, and he quickly hid her bra under her pillow and dived into his shirt and jeans.

He stood somehow strange and awkward in the middle of the room when Carrie opened the door, an impatient Maggie storming down the hallway.

"Carrie, please, why didn't you put it back in time or told me. Now I have to go all the way to Becky's house twice."

"Sorry. I forgot."

"Remember next time. Or finally get an own one", and then seeing him in the room more friendly, "I gotta run. See you at seven. Dad said he'd be here for early dinner with you guys."

And off she was, the clapping of the back door the proof that she was gone.

Carrie plopped in her bed and looked at him and then they both had to laugh. Still chuckling he sat next to her. 

"C'mere. Just a moment. Let me sort those buttons for you. You've got a hickey there. Sorry."

She sat still until he had closed the semi-last button, the small hickey now covered under her shirt.

They looked at each other, still smiling, and he shrugged his shoulders and pulled her into a tight embrace.

"God, Maggie and her Thesaurus", she muttered below his ear.

"Well, she kind of knew how to make an entrance."

"My Dad's probably here anytime soon so maybe..."

"...we go back to reading your suicide book? Yeah, think so."

But she didn't move and so didn't he.

"Hey. Carrie? About your question: Yes, I did like it. I liked all we did."

"Me too." She blushed a bit and he could eat her up.

"You feel good about it?"

She nodded and smiled a shy smile.

"Maybe we can lay on the bed for a moment? Just like this?"

And while he held her in his arm, her head on his chest, he thought it might be the right moment for her birthday present. The small box was still in his back pocket where he'd put it earlier, unsure about when to give it to her.

"I have a birthday present for you. I'm sorry I wasn't here that day. Next year I'll be there, I promise."

He gave her the small box, watching her unwrap it.

"There was no need..."

"There was. I wanted to."

She looked at the pendant and then at him, with so much love and surprise that he felt his throat tightening.

"Oh, that's beautiful. It's a Claddagh." Her cheeks flushed red as she touched the dainty silver pendant he'd chosen and so he knew she knew the meaning.

"You know what they mean? The heart's for love, the hands for friendship and the crown for loyalty."

"I always found that incredibly beautiful. Meaningful. That's...thank you. That's a beautiful present."

"Will you wear it?"

"Of course I will. What kind of question is that? It's beautiful. And...", she paused for a beat, searching the right words, "it means a lot to me that this is how you feel for me."

He helped her to put it on and let his hands rest on her shoulders, at the juncture to her neck, for a short moment.

"I love you, Carrie. And I'll always be your friend."

\----------------------

They returned back downstairs and to the garden, having a snack and reading by the time Frank came home. He noticed Carrie's new necklace while they were preparing dinner but didn't comment on it, just thought that things were obviously really serious on both sides.

Maggie came home for dinner and soon Bill picked them all up, leaving Frank behind who was going to marinate the meat for tomorrow's BBQ.

"And then he'll listen to Italian operas and will sing out loud. Be glad you're not meant to witness that", Maggie smiled.

They watched 'What's eating Gilbert Grape' and he liked the story. But even more he liked holding his girl's hand in the dark. A real date, finally.

Maggie was going to spend the night at Bill's place so Bill just dropped them at the corner of their street and they walked the last few hundreds yards.

It felt so perfectly normal that the thought of having to go back to the centre was suddenly unbearable.

His arm was loosely around her shoulders anyway so he just tightened his grip to pull her closer and make her stop to kiss her.

"What's that for?"

"I enjoyed today a lot."

"Me too. It's not long now and you can be here more often."

"I don't know what's gonna be next for me."

"But I'll be here. Waiting for you. You know that."

That was true and it was enough for now.

Frank was indeed singing to italian opera recordings and even with him tuning the volume down when they entered they decided to call it a day and leave him to his music after a few friendly words.

It was nearly eleven so he just walked her into her room and kissed her good night, slow and tender, careful about not to reignite what had been between them in the early afternoon.

Downstairs Frank switched to mellow jazz.

"I'll join my Dad for mass tomorrow morning. Wanna come along or prefer to sleep in?"

"I'll come along."

"Let's take the bikes then so we don't have to wait for him. He usually meets friends for brunch afterwards."

They kissed once more and again he left her room at eleven sharp. Tonight he drifted into sleep easily, just after a few minutes, thinking of Carrie and what they'd shared today. And there were still two more days ahead of them.

Suddenly he was awake again as he noticed the door of the room opening, a small figure squeezing in and closing the door again.

"Carrie...what's that?"

"Sssshhh. My Dad just turned to the B-side, that's 34 minutes. I set my alarm clock to 30 minutes and will sneak back then. But I suddenly couldn't stand the thought of not using that time. Just bedtime snuggle."

"You're unbelievable. Your Dad's gonna kill me if he finds you here."

"He's a pacifist. And now make room. It's not nice to make me wait."

"C'mere."

She slipped with him under the cover, placing her alarm clock on the nightstand.

She curled into his side and he felt her hands slipping under his shirt, resting on his back. 

Five minutes later she was asleep. 

He waited for fifteen minutes, switched the alarm off and then scooped her up and carried her back to her room.

It had been a very good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The weekend's not over yet. Another chapter, hopefully without Maggie, will follow soon.
> 
> Thanks to Leblanc1 and Acat for a long and fun chat about what Quinn might give Carrie as birthday present. They had great ideas (just saying...Christmas isn't too far) and in the end we agreed for the pendant: http://www.theirishstore.com/silver-irish-claddagh-pendant.html
> 
> Plus, they had the valuable information that nearly every mall has an Irish shop.


	7. Chapter 7

They came home from church just after eleven, and as Frank had asked Carrie to prepare a potatoe salad he joined her in the kitchen after locking the bikes away. She had cooked the potatoes in the morning after coming down early and finding him in the porch with a cup of coffee and a newspaper, secretly smiling about the sweetly domestic scene. And thinking that he was really very good-looking. She'd sat with him after putting the potatoes on the stove and he'd handed her her cup of coffee with a smile - and warm milk.

Frank had joined them soon and he had enjoyed the chat about politics with him.

So now she was just getting the skin off, cutting them and cooking a dressing from diced onions, herbs, vinegar and broth. Then she roasted bacon stripes and put them away seperately.

"We can mix it all before serving, if we do it now the bacon will get soaky."

"You like cooking?"

"Nah. But with my mom no longer around...we all need to do chores we don't like. But today's easy. People will bring food along."

"Who's coming?"

"Neighbours. Bill's family. Some of Dad's friends."

"Do people know where I currently live?"

"No. Just Bill and one of Dad's friends."

He contemplated her answer for a while and when he answered he didn't even know why he said that.

"You don't want people to know, that's why, is it? You feel ashamed?"

She looked at him, surprised first and then hurt by his sharp tone.

"Why do you say that?"

"Cause I wanna know. And I get it. It's okay, just say so."

"You think I'm ashamed and hide it?"

"Well, you tell me."

"No. Of course not. It's just that Dad and I thought it's your decision if you wanna tell or not. I am not violating your privacy by telling people you never met in your life. And just in case you forgot: I know how it feels if something you wanna keep for yourself gets dragged into light. That's how my whole school learnt I'm crazy. I wanted to spare you that. But I'm not ashamed. I can introduce you by telling everybody tonight in case you need a proof and prefer people to know."

Turning away from him she opened the fridge and put the bowls inside and then left the kitchen without a further word.

He followed her after a minute and a deep breath. They had talked about situations like these in his sessions but it had happened so quickly. And he hadn't expected it to happen when he was around Carrie.

Her door was ajar and she sat on her desk, rapidly flipping through one of the Virginia Woolfe books.

"May I come in?"

"Sure." 

"Carrie...I'm sorry..."

At least she turned around and looked at him.

"Why are you so edgy, suddenly? That or the cookie thing yesterday? Why do you say such things? Like I'm ashamed for where you live? Did I ever do anything indicating that? If yes, do tell me. If not, don't say such things."

"Am I too fucked up for you?" That was all he suddenly feared.

"No. Of course not. But can you tell me what this is about? I mean really about?"

A nod but he was silent now, wondering how to put it in words.

"Wanna sit with me while we talk?" 

She sat on her bed and crossed her legs and he joined her, taking her hand in his, glad she didn't pull hers away.

"I'm sorry. That was stupid."

"But?"

She wouldn't let him of the hook.

"They say I have trust issues. That's what they call it. Dunno...I guess they're right."

"So you don't trust me?"

"I do, Carrie, please believe me, I do. It's just...I told you about my family. And where and how I lived. For the last decade nobody ever wanted to be with me. I'm not used to this. But this here is so good. And I suddenly was afraid I'm not...dunno, I just thought what people might think about me and that you might think the same and rather not tell because you...I never had that before. Not what we have. And not such a place to go to for a weekend. I...sorry..."

After he'd finished she was silent for a moment just holding his glance and gently squeezing his hand.

"And when you feel insecure you lash out?"

"Apparently I do. I'm supposed to take a deep breath then and to talk about it."

"Those shrinks know great kind of shit, don't they?", she smirked, "They have no idea, uhm?"

And with that she climbed his lap and hugged him thightly.

"Just tell me next time. Don't get so edgy. Cause I can't deal well with you pushing me away. That's when I get insecure."

"Again, I'm sorry."

"I know. Stop looking so sad. It's okay. We can talk about these things. You can tell me about stuff like this."

He sighed and leaned back in her bed, stretching his legs and pulling her with him.

"It's difficult. It's great to be here. To be with you, first and foremost. And in a normal house with normal people."

"Tell that Dad. He'll love you for that sentence", she tried for a lighter tone.

"But...", he sought for the right words, "it's such a contrast to the centre. It's difficult enough to be there, but as I'm always there I can ignore it and don't think about it."

"But now you don't wanna go back."

"No. I don't want to. But I have too. Yesterday when we came home...I just thought that this is what I want. Live neaarby, see you several times a week, have dinner with your family, go to the movies with you or see a game with your Dad and Bill. Is that so much to ask for? That I just want a place I belong to?"

"No, that's not too much to ask."

She got up and closed the door and came back, laying down next to him and wrapping her arms and a leg around him.

"That's not too much to ask. It's just three more months. I know that sounds like a pipe dream but most of it is already behind you...us..."

"I know. I'll be okay, I know that", he tried to drop the topic.

"Don't hide now. You do trust me, don't you? You can tell me."

"Yes. Carrie..."

"I wasn't meant to know. And I don't know much. But I know Dad and Tom are already considering options where you gonna go after summer. Tom said he's doing his homework and will see you then to discuss it with you. They said they try to find a place not too far away and that you'll be able to finish school. And don't tell I told you cause I've been eavesdropping when Tom was here last week and if you rat me out I'll be in trouble."

That was a lot to take in. So he tried to tackle it bit by bit.

"You've been eavesdropping?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Cause Tom coming here on a weeknight highly likely meant it's about you. And I wanna know where you'll be next too. They sat in the porch so I just had to open the window at the first landing."

So Tom and Frank were trying to help, again. 

"I'm sorry for blowing out on you downstairs. I...I never had someone like you. Or your Dad", he tried to explain, "In the foster homes you don't...it's not that I really learnt to talk about stuff...and I'm so tired of being at the centre. Don't worry I won't mess it up, I know what's at stake. But I don't want to go back. I know I have to but I don't want to."

He fell silent, thinking about his own words and the girl in his arms. His girlfriend. Opening up was still difficult. But she was still there. He'd been a dick twice this weekend for petty reasons and she was still there, listening and stroking his back.

It felt good to be in her arms. So he finally relaxed, thinking how there might be other ways to spend those precious hours alone with her instead of starting a silly fight.

"Anything I can do to make it easier for you?"

"Knowing that you're there makes it easier. Cause I know what I'm waiting for. C'mere. I'll just be patient and wait for Tom to talk to me. And I won't give you away, of course not, master spy. Haven't kissed you today. You agree it's time to change that?"

She sat up and he saw the corners of her mouth curling into a shy smile. So he sat up too, framed her face with his hands and pulled her in for a kiss. He tried to keep it tender and tentative but he so much wanted more of her.

She felt his tongue touching her lips and parted them for him, wondering why even a gentle kiss made her want him so much. She knew that knot building at the bottom of her stomache now, it happened each time when they kissed like this. He was so good at this. She loved the way how he pressed her against his much larger body and how gentle those large hands were with her. When their kiss deepened and got more urgent she felt his hand slipping under her shirt, slowly moving upwards from her waist to her ripcage and then to the side of her breast.

She wanted him to touch her and she wanted to feel that throbbing warm feeling building between her legs again and she knew it would be more today. Nobody would disturb them for the next couple of hours.

So her hands slipped under his shirt too and their kissing was now open-mouthed and got breathless quickly, both of them hoping to go a bit further today. 

His hands were still roaming up and down her ribcage, coming tantalizingly close to her breasts but he hadn't fully touched them yet. She wondered if she could just tell him how much she liked it but then she felt his hands slowly moving upwards and covering them. They kneeled on her bed now and she had her arms around him, under his shirt on his shoulder blades when he started to stroke her breasts through the cotton of her bra, soft and elusive first but firmer when he felt her nipples tightening under his touch.

She gasped when he started kneading them while nuzzling her neck and sought his mouth for another kiss. Extracting one of his hands from under her shirt for a moment he wound an arm around her shoulder and supported her back while pressing her backwards into the pillows. When she laid flat he broke the kiss for a moment, just to look at her face and to smile at her.

Grazing a teasing thumb over her small and still covered bud made her shiver.

He stretched next to her and whispered in her ear how much he wished to undress her and see her while caressing her and how he could never get enough of her, seeing her, holding her, kissing and touching her, being with her.

"Lock the door", she whispered, her eyes searching his.

So he kissed her once more before getting up to lock the door while she went to the window and closed the curtains.

It was a sunny day outside and rays of sunlight still cast into the room through the fabric. She sat back on the edge of the bed when he turned back to her.

"C'mere", he reached out for her hand and pulled her into a standing position.

She willingly got up and stood now in front of him, small and slender, her hair smelling of a citrussy shampoo and sun, her hands on his hips.

He gently pulled her shirt over her head and then fumbled for her belt, smiling despite himself when he noticed his hands being a bit unsteady. When she stepped out of her pants, her underwear and bra being the only remaining pieces of clothes, he pulled her against his chest and kissed her while walking her backwards to the bed until she felt the edge at the back of her knees and sat down, pulling him down too. 

"You undress too. I wanna feel and see you."

He quickly got rid of everything except his boxers, noticing she didn't look away but looked.

When they laid down on the bed his hands went around her to open her bra and when that was gone he started to knead, caress and kiss her breasts again. She sighed against his mouth and wiggled in his arm when his touch grew a bit more bold.

He stopped immediatly, wondering if it was too much.

"Don't stop", she smiled, winding a leg around him and holding him close.

"I won't, I can't", he said, well aware of his crotch being just an inch away from her thigh.

Her hand wandered down his back, a swift and soft movement and then shortly paused at his waistband before he felt her hand on his ass, through the fabric of his boxers.

And then she slipped inside, her hand felt soft and warm, just a soft touch.

"Come closer. I want you to be closer."

The next kiss and suddenly being above her, her between his elbows, beneath him, her hand caressing his ass, her skin so soft, and being allowed to melt into her, her pelvis a welcome pressure against his firmness, all this was nearly more than he could take. 

So he pulled back a bit, lowering himself next to her, still pressing himself against her hip but with a heartbreakingly wonderful view. 

"I don't want us to stop now."

"Carrie...I...I don't want us to stop either. But there's only so much I can do about not going too far", he cupped her breast while talking and was pleased to hear her sucking her breath, "and you do bad things with my self control. So I have to move back every now and then. I don't want it to be an accident."

"What we both want is not an accident, per definition", she smiled, pulling him back closer. "I won't sleep with you today, we said that, but I want more of this. With you."

The way she looked at him made him forget their earlier fight, his lingering thoughts about the centre and his future, it was just her now, her mouth on his, his hand around her breast, kneading and fondling, the sounds she made, her hand down on his ass, his hand caressing the inner side of her thigh, moving upwards, his fingertips feeling the fabric of her underwear. She trembled against his chest and then he felt her hand coming round to the front, sliding down his abdomen, tracing the waistline of his boxers and then slipping inside.

She let it rest there, palm down, for a moment and looked up to him, her eyes reflecting the love and longing he felt for her. 

"You said nobody ever wanted you. That's not true anymore."

She moved her hand and made contact, a light hesitant touch with her open palm, exploring and probing. Winding his arm around her shoulder he rolled on his back, holding his breath when she carefully closed her small fist around him and moved her thumb once up and down along his length.

"Do you like that?", she whispered in his ear, her hair tickling him. 

"Carrie...", he breathed, "it feels incredible."

"Can I take these off?"

She let go of him for a moment and lowered his boxers down to his knees from where he kicked them away himself. Then she was back in his arm, curled into his side and her hand went back around him. She watched now what she was doing and so did he and he found it hot as hell to see her slender fingers encircling him and closing around him, gently moving up and down now.

"Can you show me what you like?"

"This is it... Like what you did just now."

His hand went around hers, gently making her apply a bit more pressure and building a pace he liked, knowing this couldn't last forever.

It felt incredible, knowing it was her who gave him those feelings made his heart burst and he felt a pleasurable tension building up at the base of his spine.

"Carrie...", he had problems to piece the sentence together, "I'll come if you don't stop now."

She breathed a giggle against the skin just below his earlobe, he felt her nose and her lips, her hand was still around him, gently moving, his hand around hers and he knew it would happen embarrasingly fast because being with her blew his mind. When she whispered "I don't want to stop", he gave up, turning his head towards her to kiss her. He felt his release building up, his hips surging and his muscles twisting when he went over the edge and spilled over her hand and on his lower abdomen.

She was still securely wrapped into his arm, snuggled into his side with her head on his shoulder and he swore to himself to never forget how loved and wanted he felt right now - and how good it felt to be with her. Like he was exactly where he was meant to be.

He kissed her again, a tender and soft kiss, slowly descending from what she'd just given him. 

"I'm sorry for spilling all over your hand. It was just...it felt so incredibly good...I couldn't make it last longer." 

She smiled, a shy and dreamy smile, and shook her head. "That's okay. I mean...it means you enjoyed it...", her voice went up at the end of sentence so he took it as a question. 

He angled for a Kleenex from her nightstand and took her hand from his abdomen to wipe it clean. Then he placed her back in his arm, they laid face to face now, so he could see and kiss her, and caress her with one hand. But most of all he wanted to cradle her and never let go again. 

"I did. I enjoyed it a lot. And it means a lot to me. You know that I love you, do you? I love you."

She nestled herself out of his tight embrace to make eye-contact again and nodded.

"I love you too. I...liked doing this. Touching you like this. I liked all of it."

Kissing her again his hand wandered over her body, briefly touching the pendant at her neck, hoping to convey an unspoken 'I love you' that way, caressing her lower back, derrière and thighs now reverently. He couldn't recall ever having felt better. 

He felt the impact his gentle caressing had on her, went on, now paying close attention to her reactions, what she seemed to like most, heard her breathing getting more rapid, felt her moving closer into his embrace, heard a soft moan when his fingers grated gently along the inside of her thighs. So he stayed there and did it again, caressing the soft skin, tracing the hem of her underwear, grazing a finger, then two, over the navy cotton. 

He couldn't resist but had to see her face.

So he let his hand wander upwards again, along that gentle curve of her waistline, to her breasts, tender and soft movements first, firmer kneading then.

Her eyes were closed, she had stopped stroking him a while ago and was pliant in his arm, just receiving and apparently enjoying what he did with her. She bit her lower lip when he flicked his thumb over her nipple and let another sigh, bringing on hand up to his nape and into his hair, holding on to him tight.

"Let me do this for you too. I want to, if I may", alone the thought was utterly exciting.

She opened her eyes, smiled, looked into his eyes and nod.

"But not without another kiss."

"God, Carrie, as if I ever needed an extra prompt...", he smiled, his mouth already touching hers. 

It was a tender kiss, much more careful as the previous ones, almost chaste. His mouth didn't leave hers when he let his hand wander south again, soft circles around her navel, and then his fingertips traced the picot edge of her panties.

He found himself holding his breath when he slipped his fingers under the soft fabric and slowly further down, her skin was so smooth and the hair soft and curly.

He started to breathe again and she made a sound like a short giggle.

"Don't forget to breathe, please."

"I won't. Same goes for you", kissing her again and slipping his hand a bit further, now cupping her.

He held still for a moment, hearing her gasp, giving her - and himself - a moment to get used to his touch, and started moving his fingers then, small strokes.

When he sensed her inhaling a deep breath, he did the same again, with a bit more pressure this time.

He felt one of his fingertips sliding a bit deeper, into her folds, and she let a soft sound of surprise and he felt her writhing in his arm.

"Like this? Want me to go on?", he whispered in her ear, longing for making it good for her.

"Hmmm", it was more a hum as a yes but he took it as encouragement.

So he went on, trying to calibrate his touch to what he hoped she might like, moving his palm and fingers and feeling her getting wet with the tip of his finger. He felt her entrance, grazing over the soft sensitive skin, and the thought that he was allowed doing this and she was enjoying it was arousing beyond words. But this was about her and even if he enjoyed the pressure of her hip for himself he would not engage in any further activities there. He just wanted her to feel what he had felt.

She made soft sounds, somewhere between a sigh and a sweet whimper and when he crooked one of his fingers and flit it over that tiny knot her eyes fluttered open and she gasped. 

She saw him looking at her, his eyes, saw him smiling, showing his dimples, thought how much she loved him and then he moved his finger again, twice and she felt her muscles clenching. A sweet rush of pleasure was rising, like a wave, two or three waves, she had to close her eyes again, and he did it once more and it was so unbelievably good. His hand was still there, he held it still now, and it still felt good, smaller waves now but so good.

He waited a moment longer and then slowly moved his hand away up to her tummy. His fingers interlaced with hers and he crooked his other elbow to bring her even closer. They didn't speak, there was no need to in this cocoon they'd created for themselves. Time didn't matter, at some point he pulled the blanket up and covered both of them, enveloping her back in his arms immediately.

He wished he could just stay there forever. 

They kissed from time to time, just soft reassuring kisses, no heat, no urgency.

After a long while, Carrie reluctantly raised and got up, pulling a shirt over her head and vanishing towards the bathroom. So he did the same. When he came back she laid on her bed again and he joined her, wearing boxers and a shirt now again.

"My Dad's gonna be here in about an hour."

"Maybe we should be downstairs then?"

"Yeah, think so."

But she didn't move and so he reached out to her once more, wrapping his arms around her.

"I wouldn't mind staying here all weekend, just like this."

"Me neither."

"Did you... I mean...was it good for you too? I hope, it was."

She smiled and it was beautiful. "It was...I can't really describe it but it was very good."

"So we'll do it again?"

"Now?" She chuckled so he knew it was a joke. 

"No, but whenever we both want to. That was perfect, Carrie, you are perfect."

They kissed again, then finally and reluctantly got up to get dressed and ready. He was about to open the door when she pulled him back, taking both of his hands.

"Hey. Let's go upstairs way before eleven tonight. I need some more of those bedtime snuggles. Like yesterday."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weekend's not over yet...and with more months of seperation ahead of them they really deserved a reward.

The evening turned out to be surprisingly nice although he'd preferred to spend the rest of the day alone with Carrie.

But it was interesting and new to see her interacting with other people except her family or him. 

It was a warm afternoon and the garden filled with about twenty guests, everybody brought a salad, bread or dessert, and as the guests apparently knew each other well everybody was engaged in lively conversations. 

Quinn found himself in a chat with Bill and his parents and when he looked out for Carrie he caught her eye from the opposite end of the garden and saw her giving him a secret smile.

He had a short awkward moment when one of Bill's sisters asked him where he was from and tried to engage him into a conversation but Bill saved him with casually mentioning that he was from Baltimore. Carrie had just ended a lengthy conversation with one of the neighbors and came over to sit with him and the other younger guests - Bill, Maggie, Bill's sisters and two neighbors' sons, both just about 13 - and briefly touched his shoulder when she sat down next to him. He liked the thought that she felt possessive and silently conveyed the fact that he was hers towards the two other girls. He caught Maggie's amused gaze, so she had seen it too. He wondered how he could give her the same reassurance without too much public display of affection. Maggie and Bill were sitting next to each other but didn't touch or hold hands and he thought it might be good to follow their example. But when it got a bit chilly outside he saw Carrie getting cold and before she could get up, he went inside and picked up her cardigan from her stool. Back outside he put it around her shoulders and sat down next to her again, deliberately brushing the back of his hand briefly over her elbow.

When he went inside to get his own sweater a bit later he met her in the kitchen on his way back out where she was putting some bowls back in the fridge.

"Hey."

"Hey. You okay?"

"I am. You?"

She briefly cast a look towards the garden, then took his hand and pulled him back into the direction he came from, a few steps back into the entrance area. There she went on her toes and gave him a quick peck.

"I see Bill's sisters checking you out."

But her tone was light and teasing.

"And they see I'm very much taken. And they won't get any bedtime snuggles tonight."

"But I will."

"Yeah, you will. As much as you want."

He pulled her close for a brief embrace, brushing his lips over her ear.

"You can get whatever you want. Thank you for this afternoon."

She looked up to him and smiled, squeezed his hand and went back out, he followed with several bottles of water a minute later.

His last conversation during the evening was a surprise. One of Frank's collegues met him on his way back out and introduced himself while taking one of the water bottles, saying he'd heard Quinn being capable of speaking Mandarin.

That was an interesting turn of events.

It turned out that Robert and his wife Audrey both were teachers and had spent three years in Peking, teaching at the American school there, back in the seventies. They told him that they'd always expected to maybe return one day, but then had had three children, the last one starting college after summer, and now where just enjoying the prospect of retiring in a few years. Then they'd travel more and see China again. It was an interesting conversation, except the few days in Hong Kong he'd never been anywhere close to Asia (well, honestly not anywhere at all) and he found it fascinating to listen to Robert's stories. Frank joined them with a few bottles of beer and offered him one as well and after the second offer he felt comfortable accepting it. He saw Carrie looking over to him several times, always shooting a short smile, and suddenly he really enjoyed the evening. He even felt comfortable enough to ask questions about Robert's and Audrey's time in China and how they saw China's recent announcement to build a socialist market economic system. And then Robert was on fire, while Audrey smiled apologeticly, saying that her husband only rarely had the chance to discuss China-related topics and how their children were all sick and tired of the stories.

He went upstairs after Robert and Audrey had left, excusing himself to Frank who gently clapped his back and thanked him for helping with the drinks and cleaning up.

"You made Robert very happy with your interest in his China stories. It wasn't too bad for you, was it?"

"No. I liked it. They were very nice people. Thanks for allowing me to be around."

Frank sighed and was about to say something but then decided to let it go and to return to the last remaining guests, a couple of neighbors, with some cold beers.

So he just clapped Quinn's shoulder again, knowing how hard it was to kill the habits and perceptions of a lifetime, even if it was a young life.

Quinn found Carrie upstairs in her room, reading.

"Hey. May I come in?"

She sat up and smiled, beautiful and open.

"Sure. We have a date. Didn't forget that. We still have about an hour. Where's Dad?"

"In the garden. Your neighbors are still around, everybody else is gone."

He kicked the door close with his heel and then sat on the edge of her bed where she immediately embraced him from behind.

"C'mere. We still have time."

As she was wearing just a light sweatpant and a shirt, he quickly doffed his sweater and turned around to meet her embrace.

Soon they laid both on their sides, facing each other, her leg wrapped around his calf, his hand covering her hand which laid between them.

"I could get used to having you around for bedtime."

He smiled and pulled her in for a kiss, starting soft but soon deepening. They had crossed a line that afternoon and they both knew.

"Just a few more of these", he muttered against her lips and she giggled into his mouth and let her hand run down his back.

"But not with my father sitting just outside."

He chuckled at her indignant tone.

"What 'not'? No kisses? Or not more?"

"Not more."

"No worries. I wasn't planning to go there right now. Just this", while kissing her again between his words.

"Good."

He checked her alarm clock a while later, pleased to find out they still had some time left.

She was laying on top of him, their feet entangled and for "not more" it had been a very pleasant half hour.

"Are you tired?"

"A bit. It's been quite a long day."

"I'll need to leave soon. Wanna go to sleep now? I...I'd like to stay with you...just until you sleep...if you don't mind."

Sometimes his feelings for her still surprised himself but she did that to him. He wanted to be with her, hold her through the night, make her feel secure and loved. And as he'd have to leave her room soon he wanted the next best thing.

"I'd like that."

She nestled herself next to him, head still on his chest, one arm around him and his arm went around her sholder while his other hand found hers.

He thought she'd sleep soon but she took a deep breath and squeezed his hand.

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure. What is it?"

"When you were with other girls...was it like that?"

It didn't really surprise him, of course she wanted to know, but still he didn't feel too comfortable about her question.

"No, it wasn't. I told you, I never had anything like us before."

"How was it then? I mean, I don't wanna hear...of course not...but...what...", her voice trailed off and he contemplated his answer for a long moment, still holding her tight in his arm. Would he want to know about her history if she had any? Probably he would.

"I can ask you these things, can't I?"

"Sure. Of course. There were two girls", and then when he felt her stiffen in his arm, "no, not at the same time, no, you weren't really thinking that?"

She relaxed again and he brushed a thumb over her knuckles.

"You know, foster kids like me, the mischief-makers, don't stay in one place for a long time. So I was here and there. And foster kids per se are usually not very good at forming strong ties, I guess. But every now and then you meet someone you like to hang out with or to fool about. You know we are talking about the past, do you?"

He felt her nodding so he went on.

"So maybe hotwire a car, drive around a bit. Or we got some cigarettes or drinks or both and just hung out. And among those I hung out with over the years were two girls. There are much more boys in foster care. More difficult. Girls have higher chances to find a permanent place."

"And those girls...?"

"Yeah. They weren't my girlfriends. I mean...", it sounded horrible he thought and he wondered what she might think, "I liked them. And they liked me. I mean, I never did anything they didn't want...", God, this was really difficult, "so the first one was two years older, we were in the same place just a few weeks. And the second one was some time later. A few weeks too. But it wasn't anything like what we have now."

"You said so. So you had sex with both of them."

"Yes."

"Was it good?"

"Well...I think, in a way it's always good, maybe? I don't feel good about telling you these things. And I know Hong Kong was...well, you know. But Carrie, please, stop thinking about it. Today, this afternoon, I never had anything like this before, like with you. It's different. And just because I had sex with other girls before..."

"It's okay. It's...a bit strange, that's true. But I just wanted to know."

"Carrie. I...I might have done a few more things. More than you. But what we have is new for me too. I've never been in love before. So what you did for me this afternoon, and allowed me to do...that's different for me too. I never felt like this before. And I'll wait as long as you want me to wait." He desperately wanted her to understand what she and their time meant to him.

She was silent now, probably contemplating his answer.

"You don't feel rushed, do you?"

"No, I don't. Actually I am thinking about that I only now understand why it's called 'making love'."

And that was it. He was surprised but they were done talking about his past.

"Me too", he whispered, wishing Frank and his neighbours to the moon or at least some remote village somewhere in Texas. "Carrie, I'm so in love with you. I think about you every single minute I'm awake. I dream about you at night. There's not a single night in that horrible dorm I don't fight thinking about how I'd like to hold you, kiss you and make love with you. And today...that means so much to me...and whenever you're ready we'll do more...I want to be with you, Carrie, because I love you."

He kissed her again, hot and with so much want and noticed a moment too late that her cheeks were wet.

"Carrie, what is it? I'm sorry. Carrie, talk to me. Why are you crying? What's wrong? Please."

"No. Nothing. It's just...it's so beautiful what you said and I love you so much, and tomorrow you'll be gone and today was so good...and..."

"Shhshh, I know...Carrie...I know...and I am so sorry. I'll be here more soon, I promise. Just a few more weeks. We can make it through a few more weeks, uhm? I know. And you're always so generous about where I am and why and all those restrictions. I couldn't do it without you. I would've brought myself in the biggest mess ever if I hadn't met you. And I think for the first time ever in years I really have a good chance to make it right. To have a life. To find a place where I belong. But I can't do it on my own. So I need you. That's the hardest thing for me to say. But to you - I can say it. I need you. And I love you."

They kissed again and he wondered if it was a bad thing to want her so much while she was crying.

"Quinn? If my father wouldn't be downstairs I'd want..."

"I know. Me too. Stay awake. I'll be back when your Dad's asleep. If you want that."

"Yes. Yes, of course I want that."

Slowly extricating, he kissed her once more before he went out of her room and made sure to close the door loud enough to be heard.

He had to wait til after midnight until Frank came upstairs. And then he waited through another thirty minutes of silence to make sure Frank was really asleep.

Then he went back. She was still awake, waiting for him. There were no words needed now, he just crawled under her blanket and into her arms.

The room was dark now as she had switched off her bedside lamp and he found it utterly exciting just to feel her, her hands, her skin, her breath and her mouth on his. Her heartbeat. How soft her skin was. How she undressed in the dark for him. She wasn't wearing a bra under her shirt. When his boxers and her underwear were the only remaining pieces of clothes she wiggled even closer and he let his hand wander down her back, stopping at her small back, just above the elastic band.

"Carrie...we'll be in so much trouble if your Dad finds out..."

"Shhh. He won't. He takes an Ambien after such a long day. Otherwise he'd be too excited to sleep. We just need to be silent so Maggie won't hear us."

His hand wandered a bit further down and slipped under the thin fabric, caressing the soft and delicate skin he found there.

"Carrie...", he didn't even know what he was going to say, overwhelmed by being so close to her in her bedroom in the middle of the night.

She slightly raised her hips and he pulled her underwear down to her knees, raising himself on his knees to be able to remove it from her legs. It was a shame that it was dark, he thought. But probably that was the reason why she felt comfortable with getting naked.

But he could feel her, trace her curves, could run his hand over her small ass to cup it and could carefully turn her on her back to have access to her gorgeous breasts again. He kicked his boxers away before she could say anything but he heard her soft gasp when he pressed himself against her.

"Carrie, tell me when it gets old. But you feel so good. You are so beautiful."

Her thigh was between his legs, her pelvis against his, her hands gently caressing his back, while his hands were cupping and kneading her ass now. He felt her small breasts against his chest and had no idea how he was supposed to leave her tomorrow for another four weeks.

"Quinn...I really want...but I am so afraid of not seeing you for four weeks again...but I really want to be with you."

"I know. Me too. But we'll wait. Okay? We'll wait. It's just a few more weeks and Flintstone will be behind us." And it cost him every ounce of self-restraint he could muster.

"But...what we did in the afternoon.  
More of that?"

"Carrie...just tell me what you want."

He placed her in his arm and started to gently stroke her, her breasts and tummy first, then her thighs and finally he carefully moved his hand up between her legs. He kissed her when he cupped her and then began to move his fingers lightly. Her soft moans were encouraging and arousing and he felt confident to go a bit further, when he carefully traced her entrance with one finger. He felt her holding her breath when she felt him.

"I won't do anything you don't want to do", he whispered, "we can stop anytime. You know that, do you?"

"Yes, I know", her voice was just a whisper.

"I'll be careful", he promised, "just tell me if you want me to go on."

"I don't want you to stop."

So he carefully slipped the tip of a finger inside, stunned how warm and tight she felt. He thought he'd never wanted anything so much in his life  
as he wanted to be with her, to please her and to love her.

He tried to move his finger just gradually, slowly a bit further and then withdrew it again, just to slid it back in then. He felt her relaxing in his arm and then parting her legs a bit more, bringing her thigh even closer to his firmness which made him twitch.

So he felt confident to go on and gently move his finger back and forth. She turned her face into his shoulder and he felt her mouth pressed onto his skin and a muffled moan which made him smile, they really had to be silent. So he adjusted his position slightly so he could cover her mouth with his while still caressing her. When he felt her breath getting more rapid he withdrew his finger one last time and traced a bit upwards to the tiny bud and let his finger make a gentle lap there. He was blown away when she whimpered into his mouth and her hand clenched into his back as he felt he shivering. Holding her tight he withdrew his hand and cradled her in his arms, still kissing, much more gentle and careful now.

"Carrie...you okay...?"

"What do you think?", her voice was just a whisper but he heard her smiling.

"I am so in trouble. I'll think about this every night, for the rest of my time at the centre. That's torture."

"Oh, I know", she stretched languorously and it caused very pleasant friction, "but it'll get worse. For you. Because I have a bedroom of my own and can think about you every night."

And then he felt her hand closing around him and was done thinking.

He surrendered to her touch, there was no rush now in the middle of the night in the darkness of her bedroom, no intrusion or disturbance, just the two of them, their sensations intensified by the darkness and secrecy of what they shared. She took her time exploring him and his reactions, twice stiffling a louder moan with a kiss, giggling against his mouth. Her touch was much lighter as his own would be but he found it arousing as hell that it was her doing it for him while her naked body was pressed against him. He couldn't see her hand in the darkness just feel her stroking and encircling him and when she finally build up a rhythm he felt a familiar tingle at the base of his spine, familiar but yet different and much more intense.

"Don't stop now...please...", he sighed, covering her hand with his to add a bit more pressure for the last moments before his release.

He bit his lip to prevent himself from groaning when it finally happened and held her even tighter, waiting his shivers out and enjoying every bit of it.

She kept still now and then withdrew her hand, placing it on his tummy while leaning up for another kiss.

Never before in his life he'd felt such contentment. 

He fished for their shirts and underwear after a while, set the alarm clock for two hours later and when they both laid down again, he spooned her from behind, arms and legs entwined. 

"This was the best weekend of my life", she whispered and then they drifted off.

He silently left her room at 4.30, drifting into another round of sleep as soon as he crawled into the bed in the guestroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, nothing beats first love...


	9. Chapter 9

Monday came and they had just a few hours together left.

Quinn woke up when he heard someone rummaging in the bathroom next to his room, allowing himself the luxury to just stay in bed a moment longer while remembering the last night.

He hated going back to the centre. But last night would be his bubble. He could go there at night or during his hikes and recall every moment of it. For the first time in a decade he knew that he wasn't alone anymore.

\----------------

They had breakfast with Frank and Maggie and went on a bikeride afterwards. Frank was kind and made good-hearted jokes as usual so apparently their nightly adventure had been unnoticed.

They just went to a local park, Carrie had taken a blanket and the book along, and they took turns in reading to each other. She was using him again as her pillow and it was so sweetly normal and comfortable that he could see them doing this all summer long. If only he were around, of course.

She turned on her belly after a few chapters and looked down on him, propped up on her elbow while she put the book away.

"We were lucky that Dad or Maggie didn't notice, huh?"

"Positive. But I'd do it again any time."

She flushed and he knew what she was probably thinking.

"Hey. How do you feel about a kiss and a snuggle in the park? C'mere."

He kissed her and crooked his elbow where she settled curled on her side in his embrace.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No. Just...so you know...I have no regrets...and I'll ask Dad if you are allowed to stay in my bedroom the next time. Maggie was allowed to have Bill sleeping over when she was sixteen."

"I don't mind sneaking in at night."

They both smiled at the memory of their nightly date.

"Next time you'll be here it's gonna be summer."

"It's gonna be a year since we met soon."

"I know. And I know you hate the centre and all that, but I think it was still a good year. Because even when we don't see each other that often we know we are together. And when we see each other, well then..."

They both smiled and he pulled her closer so her head came to rest on his shoulder.

"Carrie, I know I said no rush. But there's something we should talk about. You know Flintstone dairy and its limitations. And I think it should be me...well, you know...it's really not meant to push you..."

"I know, Quinn, you are not pushing me."

"Good. It's just, maybe we should  
prepare being responsible? And buy some condoms? Just we have them when we...I mean I'd go to the shop, you wouldn't have to...it's just I'd rather do it here than in Flintstone...", his voice trailed off and he wondered if he'd make a mistake because she didn't say anything.

"Carrie? Sorry if I was too..."

"No. No, it's okay."

"No, it's not. I know you are not okay. Please don't lie to me. Not about this. I only want to make it right. And if you're not ready for it in three months that's just fine too. I'm so happy with what we have, we don't have to take things further anytime soon. It's just,  
I'd hate the thought that you think I don't care about these things. So we'll just wait. Forget what I said."

He was a bit lost because last night he'd been pretty sure they'd been this close to forget about their self-chosen delay. So he really just wanted to take care about that purchase so it wouldn't be her who had to do it.

"I'm on the pill."

Over his musings he nearly missed her whispered sentence.

"Oh...I...well...since when...?" It was a stupid question he thought, but he was suprised, he hadn't expected this. But he was even more surprised when she didn't answer.

"Carrie? Why didn't you tell me? I mean, I know that's your choice but I didn't expect you to take care...I mean not alone...shit, Carrie, why, hey, don't cry...what's wrong? Hey?"

Now he was really lost.

"They said I should."

"Who is 'they'? Your Dad and Maggie?", although that seemed not to fit into a picture with her tears.

"No", she sighed and sniffled and he felt her hand clenching into the fabric of his shirt, "the doctors at my hospital. Part of my condition can be influenced by hormonal changes, that's why it usually never happens to kids, and they said it's easier to dose my meds when my hormones are stable. So they said I should. So I'm on the pill for nearly 18 months now."

Still she didn't look at him.

"Carrie, do you feel ashamed? Why?"

"It's not...it's...", she couldn't find the words.

"Hey. Please don't feel ashamed. There's absolutely no need to. You can talk to me about your condition or that time in the hospital."

She still heard the doctor's voice.

_"Hypersexuality means having an acutely increased interest in sex and more frequent sexual urges. Other signs of hypersexuality include multiple sex partners, including strangers, and inappropriate and risky sexual behaviour. That includes the risk of unwanted pregnancies and STDs. A lot of patients are having continuous affairs and put their relationships at risk."_

"They said some other things too...I'll tell you...but please don't think I am like that...it's just...I so often have to think about it...and I wanna tell you...but it's horrible...", he just held her and waited, stroking with one hand up and down her back, "there are people with my condition who have sex, I mean lots of sex apparently, because of the condition and so they said it's safer. As a precaution. But I never felt that way...and..."

"Carrie...this is it? This is what makes you cry? A symptom you don't have of a condition you didn't ask for? A dumb doctor? Don't cry. I am so sorry. If I had known...shhh. I know...it was awful...I know...I'm so sorry...I know it's not like this for you. Shhhh."

He cradled her and kept stroking her back, feeling a hot surge of anger for an unknown doctor.

"You talked with your Dad about that? What did he say?"

"He said it doesn't have to be like that. It's not for him. And he said he thinks I could talk to you about it. He says my condition is a part of me and I have to accept it."

"Exactly. It's a part of you. But it's not all of you. You're so much more, Carrie. So much more. And I love you exactly the way you are. This is who you are and I don't want to change you."

"You have no idea how bad it can be."

"And you have to understand that I don't mind. Carrie, I haven't forgotten what I was about to do when we met. Who knows where I'd be today if I hadn't met you and if you hadn't decided to help me and trust me. We're in this together, whatever it is. Okay? You won't get rid off me easily. And certainly not because of your doctor being an obnoxious asshole. Bad language, I know."

That earned him a small smile. She slowly nodded.

"And now c'mere. I don't care about people seeing us." And he pulled her up to lay on his body where he enveloped her in his arms.

"Were you thinking about this and what I might say when we were together, yesterday and last night?", his voice was soft, just below her ear.

"No. I wasn't."

"That's good."

"I wasn't thinking that much then."

That made him chuckle. Even in tears she was just unbelievable.

"Me neither. Or maybe just how I could make it last longer because it was so good. Are you feeling better now?"

"Uh-uhm."

"Next time, just tell me before you have to cry, uhm? Really Carrie, we talk about my shit all the time. Talk to me. You're not alone in this."

They stayed for about another hour before they went back home for late lunch. Afterwards it would be time to drive back to the centre. They'd agreed that Carrie would stay at home, as much as he'd like to see her a few hours longer he didn't want the centre's gate or parking lot to be their good-bye.

"I'd like to know you are in your room when I think about you. In your bed, reading or writing or thinking about me too. Not in the car on the highway."

When they went back to unlock the bikes he felt Carrie's hand tightening her grip around his.

A boy about sixteen came from the nearest entrance into the park, a ball under his arm. He looked at Carrie while walking into their direction.

"Hi Carrie."

"Hi Danny."

Quinn felt another hot wave of anger rising in his chest but Carrie hold his hand in an iron grip and just marched on. So he took a deep breath and wound an arm around her shoulder, giving her a squeeze. He turned and had a look over his shoulder, seeing the other boy staring at them. But then he turned and walked away.

Carrie exhaled slowly.

"Hey. You ok?"

"Yeah. I see him at school anyway so it's no big deal."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. Let's just go."

They didn't mention it anymore but a few weeks later her recalled that strange encounter well.

Lunch was ready when they came home and the house smelled delicious. Maggie was all busy in the kitchen, cooking and baking. Peanutbutter cookies. Of course. But he just gave Carrie's shoulder a gentle squeeze, Maggie as well, it was okay now. More than okay, actually.

Carrie came upstairs when he packed his bag and they had their goodbye there, another half hour together, more kisses, great kisses, and whispered love confessions. She didn't cry and he was grateful because leaving her when she was crying would be more than he could bear. She packed the book and a large cookie tin on top of his bag and then they kissed for the last time.

When he was gone she curled on her bed where she still could smell his faint scent.

When he unpacked his bag a few hours later he found a letter between the pages of the book, she'd written it in the early hours of the morning.

Frank had a short talk with the head of his group, saying his behaviour had been exemplary and then was gone too - he was alone again.

\--------------------

Summer came. Her visit in June was her last visit in Flintstone, but they had no way of knowing this. Later he asked himself why he hadn't noticed the signs. If he could have prevented the episode if he'd seen the whole picture.

It was a sunny and warm day and although the water of the stream was still cold they finally went for a swim. The water was glaciar cold but she was laughing and jumped right into it while he was still trying to process the gorgeous view of her naked backside. He didn't make a connection, just thought she was feeling more comfortable with him now. And after swimming they spent the rest of the day in his sleeping bag, only getting dressed again when it was time to go back.

She talked more and a bit faster than she usually did, a lot school-related stuff, she was still working on her Virginia Woolf-project, and was afraid she wouldn't finish in time. Later he thought he didn't pay enough attention. But it was just a extraordinary happy day, seeing each other after four weeks of seperation, a few precious hours together.

And when they stopped talking about school...he just didn't think about her condition then while they were indulging in pleasing and cherishing each other.

A week later she mentioned that she had an appointment with her doctor that week, she was supposed to change her meds to a lower dose as she was so stable. She was happy about it and so was he.

Her letters during July changed. More to the point, her handwriting changed. It got smaller, more compact. That, and the letters got longer, but less coherent. Just minor things. Not enough to make him really worried.

\------------------

It was little things which in the end piled up and made her relapse. Stress at school with the year end-exams, her literature project, a stupid fight with Maggie. Missing Quinn.

All that, and Danny again.

Bill's sister and Danny's sister were in the same softball team. One day, Danny picked his sister up and found her sitting on the stairs, chatting with another girl.

So he sat down and listened. His sister and her friends usually ignored him but liked relying on him when they needed a drive, he was used to that. But today they were actually even adressing a question to him.

"Hey Danny. Don't you know that Carrie Mathison?"

"She's in my class. Or most of my classes. Why?"

"She has a boyfriend now."

"I know."

He knew enough about his sister and her friends' usual gossip to understand that one of the girls probably had an eye on that guy as well and now they'd start to rant about Carrie.

"Isobel met him."

So Isobel probably had been interested as well but he'd chosen Carrie.

"Yeah. But you know what? He told me he's from Baltimore and I knew from my brother that Carrie's seeing someone out of town. But then I overheard Bill speaking with my parents late at night after that BBQ at the Mathison's house, they thought I was upstairs - and he's not from Baltimore but an inmate. Serving a year in a correctional facility. Can you imagine?"

He couldn't imagine, because as much as he had disliked the guy for obvious reasons he'd looked fairly normal. But it was interesting.

A few days before she had to present her literature project Carrie caught a tummy bug. It lasted just two days and nights but she was feeling miserable and threw up even after just a sip of water.

Neither Carrie nor Frank realised how this might influence her meds passing her blood-brain-barrier. Frank never forgave himself. But with her new lower dose she was far too low after being sick.

So the day Carrie had to present her project she felt tired and underprepared. Her meds level was far too low, which she didn't know, and she had not slept well. She'd refused to let Maggie or her Dad to have a look at her final display the day before and afterwards Frank cursed himself for not insisting on it.

So apparently the presentation was a desaster. A few day's later Maggie learnt from Carrie's cross country team captain Amy that she'd overheard a conversation between Carrie and Danny near Carrie's locker, right before literature class. She couldn't make any sense out of it, Amy said, but it had been about telling everybody Carrie was dating a criminal whereas she'd played with him. She had meant to talk to Carrie about it that afternoon and to check if she was okay but Carrie hadn't come to the training session.

Carrie had run out of school in the middle of her literature class. She couldn't remember what was the last trigger, she just couldn't stay there anymore.

Frank thanked fate for a hunch which made him drive home right after his last lesson that day and not having lunch at school, so he arrived home shortly after Carrie.

She was fuming with rage, in a manic desperate rant rapidly getting worse and he knew right away that she needed to be hospitalized. He had no idea what had started it but it was obvious that her meds level was severly out of balance. He couldn't drive her on his own, not with her being in that state, so he called an ambulance with a giant lump in his throat.

That was Monday.

Five days later her mania had turned right away into what might be, with a bit of luck, just a depressive streak  
and not a full depressive cycle.

Carrie had been shocked and devastated when she came out of her fit. She was on a high level of mood stabilizers and tranquilizers now but bit by bit the information pieces she, her teacher and Amy were able to give, were summarizing up for a bigger picture.

Amidst his deep worries about Carrie Frank forgot it was Flintstone visiting day. He hadn't called Quinn yet but late on Saturday night when he was about to leave Carrie's room and drive home for the night she spoke for the first time in days.

It was just a whisper but she spoke.

"Did you call Quinn? Does he know? What day is it today?"

"Don't worry, honey, don't worry, I'll call him."

"What day is it?"

"Saturday."

"He's waiting for me. For us. And I...", and her eyes filled with tears.

"Shhh. Carrie. I'll go home now and call the centre right away."

He really and honestly had forgotten that it was visiting weekend and he felt truly sorry for the boy who'd probably been waiting for him and their Saturday dinner since three hours now. And probably hadn't received a single letter this week.

\----------------------

Quinn was worried. Deeply worried. He'd even convinced Mike to allow him to call Carrie or Frank or whoever might answer the phone. But nobody was home. So when he was called to the office in the later evening he'd spent a few hours with fearing a car crash on the way. Either that, or something was wrong with Carrie. Their last call on Sunday had left him with a gnawing feeling of...he couldn't even name it, but it felt like he hadn't been able to reach her. She had said all the words she usually said, but she'd been speaking faster as usual and sometimes had been hopping between topics so that he had problems to keep up. Usually they always had some moments of silence when they were talking, not awkward, just silence, while enjoying the other's presence and longing to be closer, but Sunday she'd been...somewhere else. Still saying the right things at the right moment, but...not really present. He had thought it might be her project presentation at school the next morning. So he had decided not to load more on her plate by asking her what was wrong.

If only he had. Or if he had reached out to Frank.

That was what his first thoughts were when he heard Frank's voice.

"Quinn. I'm sorry. I should have called you earlier."

"What is it? What's wrong with Carrie?"

Never in his life before had he felt such fear, a gaping hole in his guts. Frank's deep sigh didn't make it any better.

"She's in hospital. She relapsed on Monday."

Quinn was dumbstruck. Monday, and now it was Saturday.

"What? Why? How is she now?"

"We don't know what exactly happened. An unfortunate series of events cooking up a perfect storm. And she was too low on meds.  
I...She had to be admitted. She's better now. She came out of it pretty quickly this time."

"What means pretty quickly? Can I talk to her?"

"Quinn, no. Pretty quickly means a few days instead of weeks. And you can't talk to her. She's still in hospital."

"Why?"

"Well", Frank started, realizing the boy had no way of knowing any of this, "a manic phase doesn't just wear off and everything is fine again. Unfortunately not. Quite often it leads directly into a depressive bout, especially when problems with meds levels are involved. So that happened with Carrie. But they have it under control."

"Under control?! You tell me she's depressed, in hospital, I can't talk to her and that's 'under control'?"

"Quinn, the last thing I need now is a quarrel with you about Carrie's well-being. Rest assure we're taking care of her. I understand you are worried. So am I. Her doctors know what they do and how to help her."

"When can I talk to her?"

"I honestly don't know. She's not talking. It might take some time. A few days maybe."

"Then let me see her."

"Quinn, I know you're worried. But you can't see her. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner."

"Frank, please. I...I can't just be here and do nothing. I...she...", he was lost for words. She might be miserable, scared, she was in hospital since Monday, and he hadn't even called her.

He heard Frank's sigh. "I'll let you know as soon as there's a change. Keep writing, we'll bring her your letters."

"Can you...even if there's no change, can you let me know at least that? I need to know how she is. And I need to see her. Please Frank. Next weekend."

"Let's wait and see. I'll be in touch. And Quinn, just to be sure, you don't help Carrie at all when you go AWOL. Don't even think about it."

Of course he was thinking about it.

"No. I...well, I'll ask Mike to let me receive your calls. Can you tell Carrie that we spoke? That wouldn't do any harm, would it? I mean, it's not that she...and I...", he couldn't say it, alone the thought hurt too much. There hadn't been a fight or a break up.

"No, that won't change. Don't worry. It'll take time but she'll be okay. She asked me to call you. She was worried when nobody told you she wouldn't come this weekend."

Quinn had to sit down now. So she still thought about him.

"Listen, chap, it was a hell of a week. I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. I'll be in touch in a few days when we know more, okay?"

"Tomorrow. Frank, please. I need you to call me. I have to know. She would want me there if she had a say in this."

"I'll try. Night, Quinn."

\---------------------

Quinn didn't sleep that night.

He hadn't told Mike about what had happened and so just got ready like every other Sunday, early, in the still dark dorm, silently.

There was no bus stop nearby but he could hitchhike, maybe into Berkley Springs and then he'd see how  
to get away from there. Or maybe hotwire a car just once more. He'd bring it back in a few days.

"You're not packing for your usual Sunday hike", Rob whispered but still there was a hint of a southern accent, "what's wrong? Trouble in paradise?"

He hadn't heard Rob coming and took that as a sign how preoccupied his mind was.

"None of your business."

"Nope. But weren't you scheduled to leave in few weeks?"

"Yes. None if your business either."

He slipped out of the room but Rob, several inches smaller as himself, followed him.

"Listen, I don't know what this is about but stop following me. I'll go now and would be glad if I hadn't Mike on my heels right away."

"Gate's closed for another 15 minutes anyway. Coffee?"

Quinn sighed but followed Rob to the kitchen, he couldn't afford to draw anybody's attention to a discussion in the hallway.

When they both had their steaming mugs, Rob still returned to the topic.

"So, you packed for more than a day. But you aren't scheduled for a weekend trip. So what is it?"

"As I said, none of your business."

"Can't believe hearing myself saying it, but you know the result violation of conditions of probation has?"

"Yeah. Been there, done it before."

"Well, I'd be glad because it would stop the group leaders from praising their star inmate. Actually, it would be really funny to see their faces when they find out you did a runner. But that probably would result in cancelling days or weekends away for everybody here which wouldn't be fair. Plus, I guess you'll win yourself a trip to JDC with that. It's Hail Mary and you know it. Fuck, what's wrong with you?"

Quinn surprised himself when answers but he noticed how he wanted to speak with somebody. That was new.

"My girlfriend. She's severly sick."

"Sorry to hear that. An accident?"

"No. A...a permanent condition. Which got very bad recently. Unexpected. Her father called me last night."

"And asked you to come?"

"No. Of course not."

"See. My point. You think she'd like the idea of you getting caught flat footed and being stuck for probably months in JDC instead of coming home in, how long?"

"Four weeks."

Rob leant back and took a sip from his coffee, eyeballing him over the mug.

Sorrow and exhaustion were taking their toll, suddenly Quinn felt very tired and very desperate.

"I couldn't even talk to her. She...it's probably really bad. And I should be with her. Or at least she should know that I want to be with her. But they don't even let me talk to her."

"But usually her father is very supportive. He visited you often. That was him, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. Frank. He's worried, I guess.  
And said she can't talk now."

"Well, when is he gonna call again?"

"Probably tonight."

"So, if you leave now, nobody will report you missing until 7 pm as Sundays are your days off, uhm? You won't make it back here til then. And Frank has to report you when you show up there. That's never gonna work. So you'll maybe see her today and then not for, dunno, six months. Think she'll fancy that?"

"No."

"So take a break. Go for your hike. And wait for his call tonight. And then you tell him to help you."

Quinn didn't answer, just sipped his coffee, contemplating.

"You might use some of your desperate 'I need to see her or I'll go all ballistic'-attitude to blackmail her Dad in getting you a leave of absence and picking you up."

"You're allowed to spend a day outside?"

Rob smiled a huge smile.

"Not alone."

"If we go on a hike, you wouldn't be alone."

"I guess nobody will file an objection when I'm spending the day with the model student. I'll get my boots."

\------------------

Frank called in the evening. No change. She was in hospital, they'd arranged a room of her own for her, Maggie and he were taking turns to be with her, she was mostly sleeping and not talking. It would take some days to re-balance her meds.

He had been willing to use some pressure to talk Frank into picking him up but while they spoke he realized he wouldn't do it. Frank had never been anything else but supportive and nice to him, and using that against him now would probably cause a crack in their relationship he wouldn't be able to mend.

So he tried to be calm although it was hard.

"Frank, I now it's a lot to ask. But I really think I should be there. Maybe I can help. And even if not, she should know that I care about her, don't you think so? She shouldn't think I abandon her right the moment she relapses."

"You consider going AWOL?"

"I did. But I guess she'd be pretty pissed with the outcome."

"And so would I."

"Yeah...thought so...but", he felt his voice was nearly breaking but suddenly he didn't care, "I really think I should be allowed to see her. If she wants to see me, of course. I spent all night and all day thinking about...Carrie in hospital...and that I noticed she was different those last days before it happened...and if I only had had a chance to tell you...but I didn't know how she is when it happens...but maybe..."

"Quinn. Stop it. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. It's a nasty condition and it can do horrible things. But we're not there yet. Carrie had a relatively mild manic relapse, we got her out of it relatively fast, and now we deal with the aftermath. That will happen again. You have to understand this. If you want to stick around, you need to understand. It will happen again. And it's not your fault. Nor is it Carrie's."

"Please. Let me see her. Help me at least to get a permission to leave and visit her."

Frank sighed, wondering if a visit of the boy might help or if Carrie would want to keep her current state private. But one thing he knew for sure - things would get only worse when Quinn would devide to elope. And Carrie wouldn't forgive Quinn or himself for letting that happen.

"Frank", Quinn went on, "you know she'll think it's her fault when I'm not there. She'll think I don't want her with her condition. Please help me."

"Tom needs to see you anyway. Promise me to stay where you are and I'll see what I can do. But it might take a few days."

\--------------------

Time passed slowly that week. He was informed on Tuesday that his lawyer would come on Friday and that he was allowed to spend the weekend away. Tom would take him back to the city with him.

He wrote Carrie every day, having no idea if she read his letters. It was a bleak weak. He had no idea what her condition made with her feelings for him and that felt strongly uncomfortable. Sometimes at night he thought that this was a taste how his life would feel without her and all he wanted was to turn back time to May when he'd been with her in her room at night. Not even their near love making, just laying next to her and holding her in his arms all night long.

It dawned him that he had had no idea what her condition really meant. He wasn't less determined to put up with it and to love her through whatever might happen, he just realized that he probably would need to learn a lot more about what it.

\------------------

Tom came Friday afternoon, sitting with him and his case social worker to talk about where he'd live after being discharged from the centre.

It was strange because after so  
he'd been worried about this for so long he just didn't care now.

But still it came as a surprise when Tom and his social worker told him that it was actually his choice. He could move into a group home in Baltimore with five other boys and alternating social workers, he could go back to a fosterhome - or he could live with foster parents.

"Yeah, of course. Just go ahead and find someone who's willing to take an eighteen years old foster kid."

It was just not the day when he wanted to discuss any of these issues.

"Just find me a place with a bus stop."

"In fact, we found foster parents for you. Or foster friends, as they said."

"You met them?" He noticed a hint of curiosity in his own voice.

"You met them too. Remember Robert and Audrey Taylor from that weekend you spent with the Mathison's?"

"Yeah...", of course he did, "I do...so they...?"

"Well, Robert was the colleague of Frank who directed us to the Mountain Quest program here. So he knew some of your history. And after they met you, they contacted Frank about what's next for you. They had a foster child living with them for about four years, he recently moved out and is in college now. So they offered to take you in. And as they live in Bethesda, Maryland, they are accredited with Maryland Child Protection Services, so that could indeed be an option. But authorities will give you a say in this, given your age."

"Phew...that's...", he was overwhelmed, "so I have to decide right away? Or can I...let it sink in a day or two? Maybe talk with Frank?"

What he really wanted was talking with Carrie but he feared that might not be an option for the time being.

"Sure. There's still some time. Let's make a decision til next week, either of those solutions requires some paper work prior to your discharge."

\----------------

It was Maggie's last day of school. Ever. She wasn't sure if her father would pay attention, it had been horrible two weeks. But she'd celebrate with Bill later and maybe her Dad would remember too.

And he did remember. When she came downstairs he had set the breakfast table with flowers and gave her a present, beautiful golden earrings.

She noticed just then how important it was that he paid attention and how relieved she was.

Although she knew it wasn't Carrie's fault she had to fight back disappointment more than once over the last couple of days. But that precious morning with her Dad made up for a lot, he even gave her a hug and said it had been the best hour of the week.

So when Frank told her Quinn would come in the evening she was in such a good mood that she decided to pay Carrie an early afternoon visit. It really wasn't her fault after all and she'd been really miserable lately.

But if Bill would come to see her in a psychatric ward, even in the open section, she would want a heads up, she decided.

Maggie packed a nice shirt and some toiletries, she wasn't sure if Dad had paid any attention about stuff like this, she'd bring these to Carrie after school.

When she told Carrie Quinn would be there soon she saw a tiny small surprised smile. And then eyes welling up with tears, of course she didn't like the thought of Quinn seeing her miserable.

"How come they let him go?"

"He's been harrassing Dad all week. I think if there hadn't been a leave of absence granted he'd come without permission. He wrote you every day."

"I didn't read the letters."

"Oh Carrie. Why not?"

Maggie knew Carrie would starr crying now.

"I couldn't. Maggie, it's like I have a certain level of energy for each day. Some things are more demanding than others. And when the energy's gone, all I can do is stay in bed and sleep."

Maggie looked at her thoughtfully.

"That's the only reason?"

Carrie looked away and didn't answer. There were no words to share her fears with her sister.

But somehow Maggie knew and hugged her sister tightly.

"He'll be here soon. He moved heaven and earth to come here, Carrie. He wouldn't do that to dump you."

Maggie was glad when Carrie took a shower, washed her hair, enjoying to have her own shampoo and lotion and not only the hospital supplies, even agreed in eating a bit, and Maggie noticed she was wearing her necklace again after she came back from the bathroom.

"Maggie", Carrie hold her back when she was about to leave, "I know which day is today. And I'm so sorry. Please, have fun. I...please, don't think I spoiled it for you."

"No, Carrie, you didn't. None of this was your fault, uhm? Just get better. Okay?"  
\------------------------

Quinn had asked Frank to bring him to the hospital right away, had impatiently listened to Frank lecturing him that Carrie was still weak, might be sleeping, might not reacting in the way he wanted her.

But finally he was allowed to see her. The head nurse had granted them 30 minutes and Frank was generous enough to wait in the cafeteria and let him go alone.

Quinn steadied his breath before he went into her room, suddenly feeling like an intruder. She hadn't even asked for his visit. And yet here he was. Maybe she didn't want to see him.

She was sleeping. Curled in her bed under a huge blanket which made her look even more fragile and pale. He wanted to talk to her, wanted to know she was okay, wanted her to know that he was here, but decided he wouldn't wake her up, she might need the sleep. Seeing her had to be enough.

So he sat next to her bed, feeling slightly uncomfortable, wondering if she'd mind he was watching her sleep.

After a moment he gave in to the urge and gently covered her hand with his which made her stir and open her eyes.

The light in the room was dim, it was still bright outside but her curtains were half closed.

She looked at him, searching for his eyes.

"You. You came."

"Of course I came. I wanted to come sooner but they didn't let me. I'm sorry. I wanted to come earlier."

She hadn't pulled away her hand and hadn't moved so he hoped it was okay to keep his hand there.

"How are you?"

"Tired."

"Then go back to sleep. I can stay a few minutes longer."

"I don't wanna miss your visit."

He felt a weight lifting from his heart when the impact of her words slowly sunk in. So he gently squeezed her hand and so glad when she squeezed back.

"I can be back tomorrow. As long as you may and want to have a visitor. Want me to go so you can sleep now?"

"No. You...", she looked away and curled deeper into her duvet cover.

"Do you want me to stay a moment longer?"

A nod. And a sigh.

"Here? Or closer?"

Another nod.

And suddenly he knew they'd be okay. They were still them, that hadn't changed.

So he got up, kicked his sneakers away and climbed the bed behind her. He laid down and she crawled into his arm right away, taking his biggest fear away.

"Sleep, I'll stay until you're asleep. And I'll be back tomorrow. You can sleep now."

"Quinn?"

"Uhm-hm?"

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. This is not your fault. We'll talk tomorrow. Sleep now.  
I didn't mean to wake you up."

"I'm glad you did."

And then she fell back into sleep. Just like this, like someone had switched her off.

He wished he could just stay all night long. But he carefully extricated after a couple of minutes, softly kissed her cheek and left the room, just before the nurse came down the hallway.

\-----------------------  
Frank looked at him thoughtfully during the drive back home but they didn't talk.

Later in the evening he sat in the garden, it was a warm night, and he couldn't find sleep.

Frank found him there, silently offering him an already opened bottle of beer when he sat down with one too.

"It's been a hell of week."

"Yeah."

She'll be better, Quinn. She already is much better. And tomorrow she'll be better than she was today."

"Yeah."

"It's a tough condition. And it's tough to watch. I know."

They sat in silence for a long while before Frank took a deep sigh and breached another topic.

"I know you might not feel like dicussing it. But I know as well that you have a decision to make. So what do you think about Tom's news? I'm sorry it came so out of the blue, I had planned to tell you last week."

"I don't know. I didn't think about it since we left Flintstone."

"Quinn, let me tell you one thing about Carrie's condition. It will never disappear. And when the two of you are going to have a future you will have to learn to carry on, even when she's in a bad place. This is an important decision which you can't postpone. And in a few days or weeks Carrie will be very angry and then very sad in case she hears you didn't think it through because you were too worried about her."

"I...I know... but..."

"I know, I'm not her. But I know a few things about life. Wanna talk to me for starters?"

"It's a generous offer from Robert and Audrey."

"It is. But that's who they are. And they did it before."

"What do you think is the right thing to do? I mean, I never lived with a real family and I don't know..."

"I'll be honest with you. It might hurt. So be warned. I think you should accept their offer. You're eighteen now. You say you never lived with a family, as a part of a family. But that's something you should learn. A group home might be an easier choice. Two more years of school, you eat and sleep there and go your own ways. Will probably hang out here a lot, seeing Carrie. Which you always can do, I hope you know this is not what I'm talking about. But you would avoid forming other ties, friendships, relationships that matter because that's not your comfort zone. And that'll always make you volatile. Living with Robert and Audrey is the more difficult way. You have to adapt to their family routines, have to find a place in a family, have to negotiate rules and regulations. Have to accept decisions you might not like. Habe to open up and talk about yourself. They might be more restrictive about certain things than I am. I have no idea, I didn't discuss it with them, just saying. But you'd find friends for life. A place where you belong and can go back to. People who care about you. More people than three Mathisons, that is. And I think you should use that chance. Because growing up means to learn all these things. You've survived a lot of despair, son, but somehow you made it through and kept honour and integrity. Allow yourself to have some of the good parts now too. And the good parts are not only finding a girl you love but building a life too. If I were you I'd give it a try. There's an african proverb about raising children. It takes a village, it says. You are not a child anymore but you should allow yourself a few more inhabitants in your village."

"It's hard."

"I know."

"I...I don't like being with people. I mean, I like being with you and Maggie and Carrie..."

"And Carrie...", Frank smiled, "I like the reverse order, very polite. I don't think you don't like being with people. I think you're just not used to allow people to come close. And Carrie somehow cracked that armour and Maggie and I sailed in on her ticket. Life hands out chances, Quinn. You got few than others. And you made some bad choices. Let me finish. I know you're working hard to never let it happen again. And I am absolutely convinced you'll be successful. But don't make it even harder for yourself. Allow people to be in your village and to be there for you. It'll make things so much easier for you in the long run."

"Really think so?"

"Yes. I do. I know it's hard. And I know what is behind you. But you came that far, all on your own. Now allow others to help you. Robert and Audrey are good people. They know how hard it is. You and Robert got along well. That's a start. Bethesda is just ten miles from here. You can finish school, can have a life, can be a teenager, can make friends. You'll be part of a family. You can see Carrie. You can come over and have a beer with me and watch a game. Good stuff. Normal stuff."

"I never had that."

"I know. And that's why you should grab that chance."

They both fell silent. Quinn felt exhausted and despite sitting with Frank very alone.

"I'll go to bed. Thanks for...everything. Good night."

"Good night Quinn. I'll see you tomorrow."

He passed Carrie's room on his way to the guestroom and - after hesitating briefly - went in. He didn't switch the lights on, just sat in her wing chair and stared into the darkness, wondering what he should do.

He noticed how fatigue was crawling into each and every cell of his body and brain and got up to lay down on Carrie's bed, just for a moment. He inhaled her scent, remembered the last time he'd been here and what had happened inbetween. He had been allowed to hold her this evening and that had felt so good. But he was also well aware about what hadn't been there, things she hadn't said, things he hadn't seen in her eyes. He felt the tears coming, he'd never been a lot of a cry-baby, cos what was the point, but since Carrie it had happened once or twice. And now he didn't feel he could do anything about it.

A few minutes later he was asleep, waking up some hours later, completely dressed on Carrie's bed. He sneaked into the guestroom then, kicking his clothes away, and was back to sleep just after seconds


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Laure!

Bill had dropped his bike again at the Mathison's house for him so he left after breakfast. Frank had offered to drive him or to come along but had understood when he hadn't answered.

"Call me if you need me. A day without hospital doesn't sound too bad I have to admit."

He was there too early and had to wait another ten minutes before he was allowed to enter the ward and sign in as visitor. Then he was told that Carrie had to report at the nurses' desk every two hours but was allowed to leave the ward as long as she stayed on the clinic's grounds.

She sat on her bed, reading a book. Well, pretending to read, as she was holding it upside down. He didn't comment on it, just took a chair and placed it very close to her bed, when she put it away and looked at him.

"Good morning."

"Hey. There you are."

"Bill gave me his bike."

"He feels bad about what happened."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Why?", her tone was even but yet he felt an edge in her voice.

"I think I should know."

"It wasn't your fault."

"When I had known what it's like...maybe I could have seen it coming. Maybe I could've helped you."

He wondered where this was going and why he hadn't even tried to kiss her good morning.

She wondered where this was going and why he hadn't even touched her yet, not even brushed her hand or her shoulder. She was awake since half past five and it had taken her a while to understand that she wasn't just fidgety but excited. Excited to see him. She knew this was good, having feelings was good.

And now as he was here she was already tired again. Not of him, just tired.

"Bill's sister...it doesn't really matter...but..."

But Quinn insisted, sitting on his chair, hands losely on his knees, looking at her with his intense gaze. So she told him, leant back into her cushions now again, and she saw how his mouth tightened and his hands clenched into fists. It hurt to tell him, because she knew it would hurt him but he would keep insisiting and so she filled in the blanks for him.

"So it was about me", it wasn't even a question and his voice was very quiet.

"No, it wasn't about you. Quinn, this was just one piece in a complex picture. First and foremost my meds were too low."

"So, I fought with you about telling people where I live and the first person learning the truth makes you relapse?"

"No. That's not true and you know it."

"Carrie...I...I don't even know what to say...", it was painful, too painful.

They fell silent for a long while and she felt how tired she was.

He just sat there and wondered why he didn't say any of the things that mattered for him. But she felt so far away.

She reported to the head nurse after two hours and when she came back he could see the exhaustion written in her face.

So he offered to take a break and when she accepted right away he got an indicator how tired she really was. He was about to leave the room when he heard her saying his name.

"Yeah?"

"Can't you stay?"

He was back at her bedside in a mere second.

"Of course I can stay. That's what I came for: To be with you."

She pulled her knees up, he could see her curling into a ball under her blanket.

"Please stay. I know it's hard. For you too. But please stay."

"Okay then."

"Don't you want...?"

"Carrie, of course I want to be here. I just don't know what you want. I'm  
trying to understand what happened. But you don't give me much to work with. Which is okay. I get it. You don't wanna talk about it, at least not with me. That's okay. Sleep a bit. I'll stay here."

He knew she didn't believe him. And she was right. He had no idea if he he'd manage just to sit here and wait when everything else was falling to pieces.

Just when he thought she might be asleep she opened her eyes again.

"Just the last days before it happens everything feels...much more...so brilliantly clear."

He looked at her, silent, relieved that she was opening up, yet trying to brave for whatever she might say.

"But that's just the before. During the mania...I don't know. Everything's blurred. I mean, while it happens, right then. Everything makes so much sense, is so intense, and at the same time it's blurred. And then I stop to feel."

"You stop feeling?"

"I think that what it is. Right after when it shifts into depression. Mania is too much of everything. And depression is...bleak, grey, like a lead weight. And I stop to feel. I can't feel anything then."

He didn't know what to say. Last night he'd hoped things could still be okay between them but this morning...he'd seen the small stash of unopened letters on her nightstand.

"Just...I remember being scared. Cause I couldn't remember how I got here."

"That is a feeling."

"But that was all I was that moment. Dead scared lead weight."

He didn't answer. Suddenly he wondered if it was a good thing to have this conversation at all.

"Quinn?"

"Uhm?"

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know, Carrie, this is new for me too."

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing please. Just...can you tell me...and if not it's okay...I mean I know you can't then...and I won't be...but can you tell me, what's between us...", he hadn't planned to say it, hadn't planned to push her, and Frank would be furious if he knew.

"Quinn...I knew all the way who you are. When I say I don't feel, then it means I am disconnected to my feelings. Not that they're no longer there."

"Okay...."

"I knew what we are. I know now what we are. And it means a lot that you came."

"Why didn't you read the letters?"

"Because I was afraid what they might say."

"You were what?"

"As long as I didn't read them I knew you were there."

"You thought I'd send a letter a day just to dump you?"

"No...I...I just don't know. You never saw me this sick. And I knew losing you would be too much. So I was afraid to read them."

"They were meant to be exactly the opposite, Carrie. I wanted you to know I'm still there, even if I can't be with you here. I wanted you to know that my feelings don't change just because your condition shows up again."

He saw the tears welling up in her eyes and now it was suddenly easy again, all he had to do was to get up and lie down next to her and then she was in his arm. This he could do. Being strong for her, being there for her, that was not that hard, now as he was here.

"And now? What do you feel now?"

"That it's good that you're here. Is that enough? Ar least for now?"

"That's enough. Just sleep a bit. I won't leave."

When she was asleep he drifted off too the last night hadn't been very restorative at all.

\--------------------

Carrie woke up before he did, needing a moment to sort out where she was. But when the pieces connected - his warm body next to her, an arm steady around her, his scent, a mixture of his shower gel, washing powder and him, around her - she relaxed, for the first time since she'd arrived here. She looked at his sleeping self and felt a shift deep inside her. She saw blue shadows under his eyes, he looked exhausted. She hadn't noticed before. His chin and cheeks had a shadow of stubbles. She'd never seen that before and realized that he probably shaved before she came to Flintstone. Now it made him look older and even more tired. She felt a pang of sadness, that she was with him now for almost a year and had never seen him with that stubble. They should know so much more about each other by now, she thought. 

She remembered the last times she'd seen him, how his mouth had kissed hers and that she hadn't even hugged him since he was here. So she slightly moved, away from his chest, to be able to snake an arm under his neck and to pull him a bit closer. He didn't wake up but sighed and snuggled himself closer. She took his hand, noticing not for the first time how large his hands were, and remembered how good it had felt a few weeks ago when those hands had caressed her. She'd thought about it and missed him for most of the nights until...until her brain had messed it up, again. But still he was here now. Had found a way to be with her, even under the most difficult circumstances. She kissed his hand and carefully climbed out of her hospital bed, he didn't even stir.

After she'd reported back to the nurses' counter she went back to her room and following a sudden impulse she took the letters and sat down in the wing chair near the window to read them.

\-------------------------

Quinn woke up because he felt Carrie crawling back into the bed.

"Uh, sorry, I fell asleep too..."

"You didn't snore."

He remembered saying that to her, the first time they'd been to the stream, when she'd slept in his arms in the sleeping bag. And when he looked at her he knew that this was exactly why she'd said it. 

"I...Carrie...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have come here with all my insecurities. I hadn't planned it that way. I just wanted to be here, to see you, and to tell you that I'm still there. That I love you, whatever might happen. But it was kind of a rough week. For me too...and I'm not good at being alone...and then yesterday...can we just start over again? Can we pretend I just came in and kiss you hello now?"

"You just arrived and then straight into my bed?", but she smiled and he knew it would be okay. So he leant in and kissed her, just a short kiss but a kiss.

"I missed you. How are you?"

She sighed. It was difficult to talk about it. 

"Exhausted. Scared. Sad."

Suddenly she could talk about it.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Can we just stay like this for a while?", she snuggled against his shoulder and into his arm, and then the tears finally came. She cried heartbreakingly, silent and with lots of tears, soaking his shirt and cutting deep.

"Shhhh Carrie, it's gonna be okay. You'll be okay. Just a few more days and you can go home."

"I was so scared."

"I know. I know. And I'm so sorry I didn't see it coming."

"How can you want...this? Me?"

"Oh Carrie, no, not again. This is part of you. Not more not less. So it's just there. You didn't say to me that you'd only love me when I'm out of the centre, did you?"

"That's different."

"No, it's not. We are who we are. With our flaws and difficulties. I won't leave just because your meds and that Danny jerk were messing with you."

She didn't answer. There was no need to. But he felt her fingers interlacing with his and kissed her forehead.They laid like that for a long time, and he felt how she melted into him and hold on to him. He just let her cry, holding her through it, caressing her back and softly stroking her hair and face. Finally she stopped after a few last muffled sobs, her head still buried in his chest.

"Better now?"

"Uhuhm. Can you stay a bit longer?"

"I can stay til end of visiting hours. That's nine pm, if you want that."

"Yes. Please."

Before she had to report to the nurses again he convinced her to go outside for a short walk, it was a sunny day, and she hadn't been out since nearly two weeks. She was a bit hesitant but then gave in.

"I learnt something here. It helped me to understand what it is. Let's say, I start my day with fifteen spoons. Each spoon is energy. And when they're gone they're gone. No refill. And whatever I do, costs spoons. Getting up is one, having a shower and getting dressed two more, attending a group session another two, a one on one with my shrink four maybe even five spoons."

"Is every day like this?"

"No. A lot of tasks don't cost spoons at all when I feel good. But during bad times even opening my eyes costs a spoon."

He comtemplated her answer for a long time before he spoke again.

"And now? I mean how many spoons did you use today until now?"

"I'm better now. But I'm still not in a good place. Getting up and dressed was good today. Breakfast not. I'm not hungry but they said I had to eat to be allowed to go outside. That was two. Our conversation this morning, maybe six or seven."

"Oh. So you think you can go out? And maybe eat a bit? They said I could eat with you in the cafeteria today."

"I think I'd like that."

The nurse gave them a broad smile when she saw them coming along the corridor, secretly thinking that those two were quite a sight, the tall dark haired boy with those intense blue eyes and the petite blonde girl who left the ward for the first time in two weeks. Boyfriends were rare here, and she was happy for Carrie that her young man apparently was able to deal with her current whereabouts. His arm was around her shoulder as he wanted to shield her from any harm.

She smiled again when she went to Carrie's room for changing the sheets and saw that the neat stash of letters was replaced by a bunch of open and read letters now.

\------------------------

After lunch Quinn lured her into a short walk into the clinic's small park where they sat on a bench.

"You tell me when you get too tired and we need to go back."

But she said she wanted to stay outside and so they just sat there, in the sun, he put an arm around her shoulder and she leant in. 

"How did you manage to get the permission to come? You have a permission, don't you?"

"Yes. I have a permission. Although...I'd have come anyway. I wanted last week. Your father and one guy at the centre talked me out of it."

"Good. Because I'd hate to visit you in JDC next month. Seriously."

"I know. I was...and I know it's not your fault, please don't think that...but when your Dad didn't come last Saturday and then called but they wouldn't let me talk to you...I was very worried...and I thought I should be with you...and least I want to be the one who...just forget it, let's talk about something else."

"Hey. No. What was that? What were you going to say?"

"Forget about it. Doesn't matter now."

"No. It does matter. You matter. You were worried and alone. That does matter. And I didn't write you for two weeks."

"You couldn't. That's okay."

"No. It's not. But I just couldn't. I wish it would just go away and never come back."

"But that won't happen."

"And I hate the effect it had on you. I'm sorry. Truly sorry."

"I...it just made me realize...how bleak things are without you...and there wasn't anything I could do. It just felt like everything is just slipping through my fingers, and I'm stuck there and suddenly alone again. And nobody cares. I know this is not what it is but...and I shouldn't even tell you...but...who else...I'm so fucking alone when you're not there, Carrie. I was so afraid to lose you. I still am."

She squeezed his hand, wondering if what she could give right now would be enough.

"You won't lose me. Not as long as my condition doesn't scare you away. I can't promise it won't happen again. I can't make promises about what I'll do then or what I won't do. But I knew what we are. I knew what you mean to me. And when I came out of the mania I wanted you to know. That was the first thing I said to Dad, that I need him to call you. I don't know if that's enough but that's all I have right now."

"Then it is enough."

"You won't lose me."

\-------------------------------

They went back in when it was time for Carrie's dinner and she had a few bites. He couldn't blame her, the food lookes disgusting. Maybe he could bring her something else tomorrow.

"Want me to leave now so you can sleep?"

"Can you come back tomorrow? Or when will you have to go back?"

"Bill offered to drive me tomorrow around noon. So I could be back in the morning if you want me to."

"Hey. Quinn. C'mere, please." 

He sat next to her on her bed and she wound an arm around him.

"Of course I want to see you. I'm not feeling well these days, that might take some time. But you are still important to me. Don't act like you don't know that."

He silently nodded, she felt it against her shoulder and wrapped her other arm around him.

"Lie next to me until you have to leave?"

Another nod.

"I'm so tired, Quinn. But tomorrow, will you tell me what's going on? It's not just about me, huh?"

Another nod. Actually he choked on words.

"Tell me tomorrow. Will you?"

"I will."

He left about an hour later, she was still awake and had gently stroked his back every now and then in that hour. He wished he could just stay next to her all night and fall asleep again.

"I missed you, Carrie. I missed you so much."

And somehow during that day they had re-found some of their equilibrium again, still fragile, but they both felt much better as in the morning.

So it felt right when he shifted a bit to lean in and kissed her. Just a tender kiss, gentle and careful, but lingering a short moment longer.

So he kissed her again and sat for a moment longer on her bed, just looking at her. 

"Good night, Carrie. I'll see you in the morning."

\------------------------

Frank dropped him at the clinic shortly after 8 and had a word with the head nurse so he was allowed to see Carrie earlier. He had to wait outside though as it was before visiting hours but Frank went in to see where Carrie was. Yesterday had been the first day since Carrie's breakdown he hadn't seen her. Quinn hadn't realized before now what huge proof of trust that was.

Bill would pick him up at noon, and he would collect his bag at the Mathison's house before. 

Carrie came with Frank a few minutes later and he felt a bit awkward about how to greet her. It was the first time that Frank was standing right next to them when they met. But after last night he wanted her to know that everything was all right. So he got up when he saw her and met her halfway, putting an arm around her shoulder and a quick kiss on her temple.

He was relieved beyond words when he felt her hand giving him a short rub on his lower back.

Frank left soon after, promising Carrie he'd be back later in the afternoon and giving Quinn a brief hug.

They had talked about Robert's and Audrey's proposal over breakfast and Quinn had learnt and agreed in spending the next weekend with them. Robert would pick him up Friday afternoon. He would prefer it would be Frank but Frank had just clapped his shoulder, telling him he was confident Quinn would manage. But he had promised him to make sure he could see Carrie for a few hours during the next weekend.

Again it was a beautiful day and they went back to the bench where they'd been yesterday. Again he put his arm around her shoulder and this time she didn't just give him a short squeeze but let her arm rest around his waste.

"How many spoons did you use yet for today?"

"Two. One for getting dressed in a rush and one for being excited that you'll be here today."

"Sure?"

"Sure."

That earned her a smile, a real one, revealing his dimples and she smiled back, it wasn't that hard anymore, she thought, now as the meds were kicking in and he was here.

"They said, I might be allowed to go home in a few days. Wednesday maybe."

"Good. Can we use some of your spoons for something I need to tell you? Or is that too much? It's a good thing though...I guess...at least your Dad thinks so."

"As long as you make sure I make it back to my room, you can use all my spoons", she smiled, "I have no further plans today."

"Oh, don't worry, I could carry you. You weigh practically nothing." He had noticed she had even lost weight and had asked Bill to bring lunch for her when he came. Maggie would cook lasagne, Carrie's favourite meal. But it was good to banter, and so good to see her smile.

"So tell me - what is it?"

Sitting on that bench together, he told her about Tom's visit, his options, Robert's and Audrey's offer and Frank's opinion about it. She didn't interrupt him, just looked at him and listened. Halfway through it she took his hand and didn't let it go anymore.

"That's pretty much all of it", he finished.

"Wow. That's a lot. What do you think about all that?"

"I was thinking you could tell me what you think."

"Sure, I can do that. In a while. But what's even more important, do you realize what that is? What you just told me? You'll be leaving the centre soon. That's real. Finally it's real. And I'm so happy that you didn't elope last week...cause now...we're talking about weeks, Quinn. Just weeks and this will be history. And - you have a choice. This is not just happening to you, someone else making decisions for you, and then you have to live through the consequences, this is a real choice."

He hadn't looked at it that way yet.

"What do you think you wanna do?", she inquired.

"I always thought I might move to a group home and finish school, maybe closer to here than Baltimore. I didn't think about a foster family. I'm much older than the average foster kid."

"And now? What do you think now?"

"Dunno. It's strange. I mean, they were nice. But it's strange that they want me in their lives."

"But they do."

"They want me to spend the next weekend with them."

"And?"

He shrugged and she understood, it was a big step.

Wrapping her arms around him, she leant against his shoulder.

"It feels strange, I guess, but it is a good thing. A great thing. A home. A real home with real people. You'll get to know them. You and Robert, you liked each other. That's a good start. It'll be awkward in the beginning but once you are there, you'll probably like it. And, it's just about ten miles from us."

"Yeah..."

"I thought you might go back to Baltimore. Which is not too far either. But Bethesda...we could see each other even on week nights, every couple of days. But that shouldn't be the reason to make that decision."

"But a welcome side effect."

"Very welcome."

"I'd like that. Seeing you more often."

"That I'd like too. But even more I like the thought of you not being in a fosterhome but having a home."

She wanted that so much for him, a home like the one she had, even with her Mom being gone it was a good place full of love and affection, with people who cared about him and smiled when he came home, who knew what his favourite cookies were, who read the books he liked and made him talk about them, who rolled their eyes when he kicked his boots in the hallway and scolded him to put then away, who asked him how school was and who set the breakfast table for him - people who saw him and cared for him.

"You think they allow me to see you?"

"Why should they not? They know me. They like me. And it's not that unusual to have a girlfriend. Dad allows me to see you. That's normal life, Quinn."

"Yeah. Probably."

"I could pick you up for a date."

She smiled and it took him a moment to get what she was talking about.

"Wait. So you...?"

"Yes. I have a driver's licence now. Three weeks ago. I wanted to tell you when I see you but then..."

"That's great."

"Yeah, I still need a bit more practise but Dad said I'm not that bad."

"Well, I've plenty of practice and could..."

"No. No", she laughed, "you won't. Not before you have a licence."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. So you'll pick me up and drive me home for dates."

"Have a problem with that?"

"No. Not with that. I just have difficulties to imagine how that will be. To come home to a place. I mean I met them once and I don't really know them."

"You'll get to know them."

"And what...", his voice trailed off but she finished the sentence for him.

"They don't like you?"

He shrugged. But this could't just be shrugged off.

"But they already like you. You already did that first step. Without even knowing what they were considering. Which was good, by the way, I think. And the rest...just bit by bit. You are pretty likeable, you know?"

"It's not that many people see it that way."

"Hey. That's not true. You just have to let people try."

She still had her arms around him and tightened her grip when he wound his arm around her upper back and pulled her on his lap so they were at eye level.

"I know your father's been the biggest shitbag. But this is behind you. Allow yourself some of the good stuff now, will you?"

He slowly nodded and pulled her closer and it came naturally that she leant in and kissed him. Hesitant, but a real lingering kiss not just a short peck. His hand went to the back of her nape into her hair and he knew he probably shouldn't, not in the clinic's park, but he couldn't help it but pulled her closer.

"Carrie...", he breathed against her lips, with so much longing that she felt tearing up.

"Quinn...not this...not here...", she hurried to say when he pulled back immediatly, "I mean, everybody can see us and all the nurses and..."

"It's okay, Carrie."

"No. It's not. I want to kiss you. I kissed you. But I'm not...I mean this is a clinic."

"See that tree over there?", he smiled, "next to the wall?"

He raised and put her on her feet, looking down on her and she wondered how he did that, making her feel so much better, despite the place and the last two weeks, and thought that she really should tell him how much it meant to her that he was here, but then he took her hand and led her around that large tree, the trunk in his back now, shielding them from people passing by, his voice low and his eyes sparkling when he muttered "And now, Carrie? What do you say now?" and kissed her before she could answer. He started tentativly and gently, giving her time to break away in case she wanted to, but when her arms went around his neck and their kiss deepened he pulled her close and let his hand wander down her back. He stopped at her lower back, well aware of where they were but it felt so good to finally be so close to her again.

They both were flushed when they broke the kiss and smiled at each other.

Resting her cheek against his chest she nestled up against him, with his arms around her shoulders.

"It means a lot that you came. Thank you."

"Well, I guess, I'll see you next week then."

"Feels good? To say that?"

"That part feels very good. About the rest...I'll give it a try. Okay? I'll really try. And you, just get better, okay?"

"Quinn? I'm glad you didn't run away last week. I'd hated to visit you at JDC."

\-------------------------

Bill came shortly after twelve, with Maggie and lasagne and a cake. They had lunch together and Maggie was relieved seeing her younger sister outside in the sun, still so fragile and pale, but with rosé cheeks and a smile lingering on her face. 

She noticed Quinn's hand touching Carrie's knee every now and then during their improvised outside lunch and saw Carrie looking at him several times with so much affection.

After lunch Carrie was very tired, "all spoons used" she said with a small sad smile so Quinn walked her back in. 

She curled up in bed immediatly.

"Was it too much?"

"Maybe. But I wouldn't wanna miss a single minute of it."

He sat next to her but she padded on her narrow mattress.

"Two more minutes."

As if he ever needed an extra invitation for snuggling.

"I'll be gone when you wake up."

"But I'll see you next week. I'll try to be home by then."

His kiss was tender and soft and a minute later she was asleep, her head on his shoulder.

He carefully extricated himself after two more minutes and silently left the room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week after seeing Carrie in hospital Quinn is spending a first weekend with his potential new foster family. And Carrie's coming for a brief visit.

Carrie sent him a letter mid-week, a short one, but nevertheless it was like a light. She wrote her Dad had spoken with Robert and she would come to Bethesda to see him and the Taylor family on Saturday afternoon.

And that she missed him which was the best sentence of the letter. No 'I love you' though.

The last weekend - even with its hopeful end - was still in his bones. How quickly everything could fall into pieces and how suddenly Carrie had been gone. He hadn't slept well for a single night and there had been more than one morning where he'd sneaked out of the dorm before five am and had had a cup of instant in the fenced yard, wondering how she was. Sometimes Rob had followed and joined him.

So the letter gave him hope that they really might be okay again. He still wrote her every day, he wanted her to know that he was still there and wouldn't bail. But her letters had always been so important and precious for him and when she'd stop writing every day...he was lonely. Lost and lonely.

Robert picked him up by Friday and it was awkward. But he appreciated how the kind man tried to make it easy for him, just some smalltalk during the two hours drive, some more stories about China and explaining that their three kids would come for a weekend visit to meet him. There was Rebecca, she was 29 and a teacher, married and living in Michigan, she would have her first baby in a few weeks time, Jennifer, she was 24 and was in med school in Eastern Virginia, and Andrew, 20, enrolled in the engineering college in College Park now. He lived on the campus but was home often on weekends, Robert said with a smile, adding that it wasn't just for seeing his parents but his girlfriend Amy too.

And they all would be around to meet him.

The prospect of being in the centre of attention of so many people made Quinn feel sick.

He tried to be polite during the drive, to engage in the conversation, but it was exhausting, he hated the gnawing feeling of being tested.

Audrey was waiting for them when they arrived at their house, a nice colonial house in a tree-lined road not far from a large military hospital and a huge park. Robert had pointed out to a highschool on the way, saying this would be the school Quinn would visit.

There was cake and coffee and although it was awkward Quinn noticed how those people made an effort to make him feel welcome.

After coffee they showed him 'his room', that's what they said, mentioning that he would be allowed to change some of the furniture as Andrew would pick up some more of his things soon and Quinn would need some new stuff then.

Robert took him for a short walk then, pointing out some historical buildings, and when they came back Andrew and Jennifer were there and they all had dinner together. Rebecca would join them on Saturday.

Quinn didn't talk much, he just listened and tried to keep up with the conversation, trying to understand what kind of personalities his hosts had and to collect as much knowledge of each and everybody as he could.

It was after dinner when he helped Audrey doing the dishes while the other were setting out board games that Audrey asked if he already called Carrie. He looked at her in surprise, quickly trying to hide it.

Audrey felt a wave of sympathy for the boy, no, young man. She saw how deperatly he tried to just blend in. He hadn't asked a single question all day, only spoken after being asked a question, only filled his plate after everyone else had done so, but immediately followed her to the kitchen when she started to gather the plates. She knew that behaviour. Andrew had been the same, nine years ago. Either over-adapting or violating each and every rule to test her and Robert's affection and reliability.

So she briefly touched his shoulder and smiled at him.

"She might wait for your call, uhm? And I thought you'd like to speak to her as well. There's a phone in the upstairs hallway. You can take it to your room. And I'll excuse you with the others, you just join us a bit later."

She was rewarded with a flicker of a lopsided smile when he left the kitchen.

Just last week they'd discussed the matter with Frank and had agreed on an open house policy for both families as long as those two wouldn't just cave together and not make other contacts. So she expected to see a lot more of Carrie after summer. She didn't mind, Frank's girls were lovely persons she first had met when they were preschoolers. She knew about Carrie's condition and hoped for the best but Frank had assured her Carrie wouldn't be any less well-behaved and friendly as before. Audrey felt for Frank who was fighting so hard to keep it together for his girls after Ellen had left. And she'd been genuinely sad when she'd learnt about Carrie's relapse.

Frank had told her Carrie might be the best shot they had to win the boy's trust.

"So be it", she thought, "it's not that the church is without sins, so we'll certainly survive another child in this house having his first teenage love."

She'd grown up in this house as the only daughter of an history professor and a nurse and her catholic parents hadn't allowed her to spend time with boys alone. So when she'd met Robert he had to be very patient.  
A lot of smuggled letters, even a secret postbox in an old tree in the park, no phonecalls, just some stolen minutes during Sunday dance parties. So as much as she taught her children to take love and someone else's emotions seriously and not to mess around - as much she wanted them to be young and happy and to be allowed to enjoy their first love. She remembered well how many nights she'd cried in her upstairs teenager bedroom and wondered if Robert would be willing to endure all those restrictions.

He had and time had proven them right.

Quinn came back down twenty minutes later when she just was putting away the last bowls and plates. She caught a glimpse of him at the foot of the stairs, a real and happy smile on his face, his shoulders relaxed and she was amazed by the transition. And so she decided to skip the boardgames for a while and asked him if he'd like to have a cup of coffee with her in the garden.

"Sure."

And there it was again. A bit too fast, a bit too adapted. But she knew it would be like this for a while. Maybe forever.

"How do you like your coffee?"

"Black. But with sugar."

Like all the men in this family, Audrey thought with a secret smile.

They settled in the garden, it was a warm night and being mid-summer now there was still enough daylight and no need for a lamp.

Quinn sat opposite of her, focussing on his mug, avoiding eye-contact but she got another very brief flicker of a shy smile before he looked away.

"How is Carrie?"

That brought his attention to her, she could see his eyes casting a glance in her direction and this time he stayed with her. Piercing, beautiful eyes, tousled dark hair, in one second he looked so much younger than the eighteen years he had, in the next moment so much older.

"Better", he decided for honesty, he couldn't start with a lie here, "she's been...sick...but she's better now."

"It's okay, Quinn, I know about her time at the hospital. I'm glad you could go and visit her."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Frank was here last week and gave us a brief update. No details. And you don't have to give details either. Unless you want to talk about it."

"Uhm, no, just that I'm glad she's better."

"She's important to you."

His eyes went back to his coffee cup but he nodded.

"Well, then I'd be glad to see more of her in future. I met her for the first time when she was four or five. She was always a little bookworm. Time flies and now she's coming back here, all grown up."

"Do you like reading too?"

_A first question._

"Yes. A lot. When I was your age there weren't many distractions. And I was an only child, in a catholic girls school, with very strict parents. So books were my sanctuary. And a way to flee into other worlds."

"I get that."

"Do you like reading?"

"Yes. Carrie sent me a lot of books. Before...I sometimes went to the library. Especially in winter."

Audrey decided not to dig for more information from his past right now, he would decide when he would be ready to offer more.

"We have a reading room. It's the room next to the living room. It used to be my father's study room. He was a history professor. There are still a lot of his books but plenty of books we or the kids bought and read too. You can go there any time and read or pick a book to take with you. It's a great place in winter, there's a fireplace."

"Thank you", she saw him hesitating for a moment but then he went on, "...where I'm from...books weren't so important. Fairytales when I was little. But not much more."

"Every child should start with fairytales, that's what my Dad used to say. My mother found them cruel and dark but he loved them."

She gave him a reassuring smile, hoping that he would learn to feel more at ease with her.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes, sure."

"Why do you want another foster kid?"

He spoke fast and they were back to avoiding eye contact.

God, that poor kid, she thought, but was in a way amazed by his quick mood changes. She understood why he had to ask her and hoped her answer would be enough.

"We don't want just another foster kid. We thought we're too old for another round. But then we met you, not making the connection who you are, but just having a very pleasant time with you at Frank's BBQ. And just afterwards we learnt that you were the young man for whom Frank had asked Robert about the Mountain Quest program. And just then we decided we could offer you to stay with us. So we weren't applying for another child living with us but we were hoping that you and we, that we maybe could be a match."

"Do you know what the other foster kid is doing now? Why did he have to leave?"

His tone was unaccusing and Audrey suddenly understood that he thought the foster child wasn't around any more, had had to leave or had been places elsewhere.

"He's sitting in the living room and playing boardgames with the other family members."

"He...oh...it's Andrew?", he sounded incredulous.

"Yes. He moved here when he was eleven. He's in college now but usually back for one or two weekends a month."

"Ah."

Audrey could see his mind working and decided to give him some time to process.

"I'll go in and join them. You wanna come along? You don't have to play, you can just sit and watch. That's what I usually do as none of them likes chess."

"You like chess?"

"Yes."

"I...can play chess."

"Well, then, I'd say this is my lucky day, uhm?"

\---------------------

Quinn went to bed at eleven, very tired. It had been a exhausting day. But the last hours had been surprisingly good. They had joined the others in the living room and had played a round of chess and then he'd just watched and listened Robert, Jennifer and Andrew playing a quiz game.

Now he was upstairs in "his" room, in bed, and allowed his mind to rest and wander. Back to Carrie, of course.

She was home since Wednesday, saying she was much better now, but still very tired. She wouldn't go back to school for the last few days of the term and after summer she'd start at a new school, senior highschool then.

He replayed there conversation in his mind, at least the best parts.

"I knew it's you", she'd said with a smile in her voice.

"How?"

"I was waiting for you to call."

"You were?"

"I was."

"Why?"

"Cause it's good to hear your voice. I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"How are things going?"

With her he could be honest.

"Awkward. But I try. I really try."

"I know. Listen, as I said I could come and see you tomorrow. Do you want that?"

"What kind of question is that, Carrie? Of course."

"Good. Quinn...I'm so sorry about last week. I...I don't know...but I'm better now. Every day a bit. But when you were gone, I realized what I forgot to..."

"What?"

"I love you. I didn't say that last weekend. But it's what I felt. On Sunday when you left. I love you."

He felt a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

"Can you say it tomorrow then?"

"Uhm, at the Taylor's coffee table?", he heard the tease in her voice.

"If I find a chance for us to be alone for a minute - can you say it then?"

"Yes. I will."

"God, Carrie, I missed you. I love you."

He had no idea how he should manage a moment of privacy with her but he would find a way - he wanted to have at least a minute alone with her, for a kiss and a whispered 'I love you' while seeing her face.

He wondered how it would be, seeing her again now after the hospital. They weren't used to being together with other people around. Almost a year together and still everything was so new, he thought not for the first time.

\--------------------

Quinn was up early and when he went downstairs he met Andrew in the kitchen who just started to prepare breakfast.

"Morning. Slept well?"

"Yeah. You too?"

"I did. The others will be down soon. Saturday breakfast is just a quick thing. Dinner's a bigger affair I assume cause Becky will be around. The baby's due in four weeks", he handed Quinn a tablet with mugs, sugar and cutlery, "Hey, wanna go for a run and some basketball to the park after breakfast? You look like you do a lot of sports, don't you?"

"Yeah. It's not that there's much distraction where..."

"Where you live now? So it's sports? What you do in your time off school?"

"Yeah, long runs in the mornings. Sometimes twice a day."

"Well, then, after breakfast? A run and then I'll meet some friends for basketball. Wanna come along?"

"Sure."

So after a quick breakfast Quinn found himself running with Andrew. They were heading to the local park and did a 40 minutes run before they stopped at a ball court.

They were still alone and just when Quinn started to think he probably should say something Andrew raised a topic.

"So, how do you feel about coming here?"

"Here?"

"Well. Bethesda. Wanna live here?"

"Did you choose living here because of the great schools or outdoor opportunities?"

"No. Sorry."

The excuse was genuine but still Quinn felt bad for being to terse and sarcastic.

"I shouldn't...I'm sorry...it's just...difficult."

"Yeah. I know."

"When did you come here?"

Suddenly he really wanted to know. He hadn't noticed Andrew being a foster kid, their was no tension between him and the others, he was just like Jennifer with her parents.

"When I was eleven."

"Ah."

"Listen, you know what it's like. I don't like talking about it. So let's do it once and then not again. My mother's on drugs, on and off, and I was in different places before. This here was probably my last chance. Eleven is old, as you are well aware. It was tough in the beginning, for everybody, I guess, little asshole that I was back then. But it turned out to be a good place."

"You still see your mother?"

"From time to time. Audrey made me go at least twice a year. Says it is important to know my roots."

"And you still come back here, now from college?"

"They are my family. I mean, that's what they say. And I think that's how I see it too."

"So Rebecca and Jennifer..."

"Jenny. She hates being called Jennifer. Call her Jenny."

"Rebecca and Jenny weren't jealous?"

"Of course they were. In the beginning. I was a handful. Audrey stopped working for nearly two years when I came. I had to do a lot of therapy and couldn't be alone at home."

"I see."

"But after some time, they were okay with me. And now - siblings fight and make up all the time, don't they?"

"Probably. I don't know. I don't have any. Never had."

"Well, I guess you'll learn to get along with us. It's a good place.  
So, Carrie Mathison is your girlfriend?"

"You know her?"

"Nah, don't really know her. But she's sometimes around with her Dad. And Amy, my girlfriend, is friends with her sister. Maggie sometimes brings her along when we hang out at the river banks. How did you meet her? I heard your range of movement is...a bit restricted these days."

Quinn couldn't help it but had to smile.

"That's one way to put it. How I met Carrie. That's a long story I'll tell you some other day. Let's throw some balls."

They came home for lunch and Audrey shared a secret smile with Rebecca who'd arrived an hour before when they saw the two tall boys, one dark, one blonde, trotting along the lane and entering the house through the garage.

Quinn was quiet over lunch, back to observing. He had introduced himself to Rebecca though and asked how the baby was. But it was clear that being with the whole family didn't make him feel comfortable. So Audrey used a moment to catch him in the kitchen when he helped her to clean the table.

"You don't have to help each and every time. The others don't do either."

"I don't mind."

"I don't mind help", she smiled, "it's nice not to be alone in the kitchen. But I want you to know that it's okay if you need a break or some time alone. Family can be overwhelming."

"For you too?"

His surprise was genuine and she felt a wave of sympathy for her silent guest. How should he know what family life is like?

"For me too. There are days when I crave for a moment alone", she said with a smile, "and then everybody's gone again and I miss them."

They were silently doing the dishes but for the first time it wasn't an awkward silence, it felt okay. He was about to put his towel back on the rack when he felt Audrey's hand on his shoulder.

"Quinn, just one more thing and then I let you have a break. We made up our minds. It's your choice. I, we, would like you to stay with us. This weekend is not about testing you. We want you to stay here."

And that was too much. He managed a small smile and a nod and then left the room, wondering where he could hide for a moment or two. He chose the second door, the reading room.

In the living room everybody else was busy talking about Rebecca's baby and touching the huge belly and Robert was nowhere to be seen so Quinn hoped for a break alone before Carrie would hopefully arrive soon. He could see most of the street from the room's corner window so he'd just pick a book, sit in the window and wait for her.

The room was full of books. Books on shelves, books in piles on the floor, books on the huge desk in the middle of the room, books on a small table next to two wing chairs near the window, books next to the throw cushions near a fire place. It must be great to have such a room and to spent winter nights sitting near the fireplace and getting lost in stories, he thought. And then he had to sit down because he realized that moment that he just had to say 'yes' and this would be his life. Audrey had said it, just now, that it was his decision, they weren't testing him, they had made their decision and it was up to him to take it. And for the first time he dared to picture how it maybe could be. Awkward, strange, new school, a prayer before meals, all that. Rebecca visiting without that huge belly but a screaming baby.

But evenings or weekend mornings in that reading room, reading or playing chess, calling Carrie before bedtime and sitting in the window on Saturdays and waiting for her to come over. Andrew coming for a weekend and playing basketball. Seeing Carrie maybe two or three times a week. Or even more often. Nobody in the new school would knew where he was from and what he'd been doing before. A clean slate.

He got lost in thoughts and sat on one of the chairs close to the windows, mind absently taking a book with chinese signs on the cover, the meaning was Three Daughters of China. The book looked well-read and maybe reading would help him to calm down a bit.

He was just about to start the book when the door opened and Robert came in.

"There you are. Thought you might need a break. Me too. As great as it is when they're all home."

He saw the book in Quinn's hands, noticed that the boy had jumped from his chair as soon as he had come in, and smiled, hoping Quinn might stay.

"Great choice. Heard about it?"

Quinn shook his head.

"It tells the history of China in the 20th century through the eyes of three women. History is different if you choose to look at it from a woman's perspective. And it's a great read. Gripping and heart-wrenching. You can take it if you want."

"Yes."

Robert hoped there would be more so he just waited for a few seconds. And indeed, the boy sat down on a wing chair, just the edge, and looked at him with those piercing eyes.

"Why do you think history's different if you tell it through women's biographies? Because the domestic perspective? Or because they weren't allowed to march of to war but had to deal with the consequences?"

"Both. In this particular case because each and every of these three women had to deal with very personal consequences because of decisions society in general and men in particular, fathers and husbands, made for them. In a broader perspective because most horrible decisions in history, either here or in Asia, were made by men. And as an author, if you tell the story of let's say a war through the eyes of a woman you can use the greater narrative - the war in that case - as a foil to show the personal costs and consequences. When I came home from Vietnam, and the time I was gone, Audrey held it together. Our marriage, herself and then me."

"How long were you gone?"

"Fifteen months."

"That's a long time."

"It was a long and tough time."

"My grandparents came to the United States after World War II. They were Irish. My grandfather was a soldier in that war. But my grandmother never spoke about those years."

"I took me a while to learn to speak about it too."

He could see the boy was trying to process what he'd said. But just like when he'd met him the first time, back then at Frank's BBQ, Robert noticed the younger one's calm and intense gaze, and how present he was in their conversation. And now he saw how Quinn was fighting his urge to know and ask more - there would be other occasions to talk - and how the moment of being open passed and Quinn became withdrawn again.

"I'd like to read that book."

"Take it. Let me know what you think about it. Oh, I guess your visitor's coming."

And indeed, when Quinn turned his attention back to the window facing the street, he saw Carrie coming down the street.

He couldn't help it but had to smile and Robert smiled back.

"Maybe you wanna go and open the door, uhm?"

He met her a few steps down the driveway, taking and squeezing her hand for a brief moment. She was wearing a blue dress with white buttons, canvas shoes and a ponytail and even when she was still pale, she wasn't as wan any more as last week. It was good to see her. When he was about to let go of her hand she held him a second longer and squeezed back.

She was carrying a bouquet of colourful dahlias.

"Hey."

"Hey. How are you?"

She squeezed his hand again before they seperated to go towards the house and rubbed it along his lower back before they took the three steps leading inside.

"Ok. Good, I think. Right now getting much better as you are here."

She blushed and he wished for a moment alone with her, right now. He had to find a way.

But when they entered the house they were surrounded by people, and he watched with surprise how well Carrie managed being in the centre of attention. The flowers were for Audrey, and they exchanged a few sentences over gardening, with Carrie admitting that it was more her father's specialty than hers but that she like dahlias for their colours, and when they had coffee and cake she talked with Jenny and Andrew and asked Rebecca about her baby.

The tablecloth was rather long and as Carrie and he sat at the table's corner he tried to find her leg with his knee and was rewarded with a flash of a smile when he carefully touched her knee with his.

After coffee Audrey suggested he might want to take Carrie for a walk and show her the area. She was amused and pleased about the incredulous glance that brought her, not only from Quinn and Carrie but from her husband as well. Andrew took the chance and excused himself too, he wanted to see some friends and Audrey was pretty sure that 'some friends' were a synonym for 'Amy' here.

"He needs a break. It must be hard for him to be new to the family", she pointed out when all the youngsters except Rebecca, who stretched on the couch, had left the room.

"I'm not vetoing. It was just...I was amused...that's all. Carrie has been to Bethesda often, she knows the area. C'mere", Robert wound an arm around his wife's shoulders,"you already have him in your big heart, don't you? Trying to make him happy?"

"Oh Dad, as if you would send him back again and wouldn't care", Rebecca called from the couch with a smile. Her parents were who they were: kind, open-hearted, a bit over-caring and she was happy for them being happy.

"No, you're right. I'd like him to stay too."

\--------------------------

They went to the park where Quinn had been playing basketball with Andrew and his friends in the morning. It was just a short walk but holding her hand felt good.

In the park he took her too a large single tree in a meadow where they sat down.

"Hey."

"Hey. Alright now?"

"Yeah. But it's good to have a break. Thank you for coming."

"You thought I wouldn't come?"

"No", he contemplated his answer for a moment, "no, not that. But I know that it is tiring for you, all that talking after you just came home from hospital. I find it tiring at least."

She smiled and took his hand again, mind absently drawing small circles with her finger in his palm.

"I know. Me too. But I had to see you."

"Hey", he covered her fingers with his other hand, "why are you nervous? We are good, aren't we?"

"Yes. No", and when she saw his expression changing quickly, "I hope we are good. It's just...as I said yesterday, I'm so sorry. I should have told you we're good before you left last week. I should have said that I love you. It wasn't gone, it's just when I'm like this...it's all disconnected...but Sunday before you left, when we kissed in the park and snuggled in bed...it was back then. It was what I felt. And I'm sorry for not telling you."

He looked at her hand in his while she was talking but when she finished he looked up, searching and finding her eyes.

"Can you say it now?"

And suddenly it was all good again. Her arms went around his shoulders and he pulled her on his lap, not taking care of people seeing them in a public park.

Carrie gave him a short sweet kiss, just brushing her lips over his before pulling back again.

"I love you. I missed you. I love you."

"Carrie...", Quinn breathed, "God, Carrie...last week I was so afraid you'd...c'mere...I love you too."

He framed her face with his palms, looking right into her eyes.

"I wanna kiss you. For real. I don't mind people seeing us. May I?"

She smiled and closed her eyes and that was his answer. He knew it might be their only chance this weekend and so he took it slow, enjoying every single second. He started soft and gentle and was rewarded with a sweet sigh when he let his hands wander down from her face to her shoulders and then up and down her back. With his tongue he gently explored her lips and felt a rush of excitement when she was parting her lips for him. Their kiss deepened, her hands caressed his back now and she brought herself closer to him.

He carefully lowered her into the grass without breaking the kiss and placed himself next to her, his hands now at her lower back and the back of her nape.

He had missed being with her so much.

For being in a public park it was a good kiss, open-mouthed now, he even dared to press her a bit closer to himself and felt one of her legs coming around his leg and resting there which allowed him to let his hand wander down, along her hips, down her dress and then laying on her bare knee.

When they finally broke the kiss they were both flushed and out of breath.

He kept her in his arm not wanting to break that moment and buried his face in her hair, at the crook of her nape and shoulder, carefully kissing the soft skin there.

"I missed you, Carrie. It physically hurt, that's how much I missed you. I was so scared."

"It can happen again."

Now he pulled back to look at her.

"I know. But I'll never let you out of my sight for so long ever again. Should it happen ever again, I'll be with you all the way through it."

She knew he was serious and so she didn't argue, just took is statement as what it was and briefly kissed him again.

"I'm here now."

"Yeah."

But the fear of losing her had been real and he wouldn't be able to just shrug it off too soon. He just noticed that he'd been tense all week, wondering what the weekend might bring, if he would see her, if they would be okay, and how he finally was able to let go and relax just now.

He rolled on his back and Carrie rested next to him, her head on his chest, hands and fingers interlaced.

"Tell me, how is it going with the Taylors?"

Quinn sighed but of course she was asking. This was important.

"Okay, I guess."

"Okay or good."

"Is there a difference?"

That brought him a nudge into his rips.

"Ouch. Fine, good I guess. Awkward. It's like walking eggshells, I try to make no work or fuss, and they try to be nice. I've been through this before, Carrie."

"As child."

"As child."

He didn't wanna discuss this now, she knew, and so didn't she, but time was short and it was important.

"Does it feel different now?"

"It does. Not less awkward. But I'm less...dependant. Less...needy."

He paused for a moment listening to his own words, but it was true. He'd been through a horrible year but it was more or less behind him now. And now he laid in a park, his girlfriend next to him and there might be a future. Which included Carrie.

"When you are a kid it's horrible to go for those weekends. I mean, it's not that you know what you're in for when you're getting a child of your own. So one should think adults know there are no guarantees. And how can a weekend or two prove anything else than that the kid is nervous not to be good enough?"

"Did you do this often? Those weekends?"

"A few times. Maybe two or three families. It stopped when I was 14. I said I don't want it anymore."

It was true. He'd come to expect rejection and so there hadn't been any point in going anyway. That had been what he'd told himself.

She didn't say anything but he knew she was listening and holding her close helped to talk about it.

"But now - even if I wouldn't stay with them - I'd be okay. Even in a group home. Cause I learnt I don't have to do it all alone. I have you now. And whatever comes next, it's gonna be better than the last twelve months."

Carrie stirred and crawled up to kiss him, and he was just about to make it last longer when she pulled away.

"Wait. You said even if you wouldn't stay with them...does that mean...are you going to stay?"

"I guess yes."

"What does that mean?"

"They said it's my decision. They said I could stay. And I'm no moron, Carrie. I know it would be downright stupid if I don't grab a chance for real life and maybe a real home. It's difficult for me to be with people and to build relationships but I know that this is my last chance. So...I thought I maybe should give it a try...", his voice trailed off and Carrie sat up.

"C'mere."

He sat up too and she placed herself back on his lap, wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace.

"That makes me so happy", she whispered in his ear, "so very happy."

It was true, it made her happy. And it made her glad that she was able to feel that happiness again. She didn't let go of Quinn for a long moment, trying to memorize how it felt, being with him, feeling his body pressed against her own, feeling his warmth, his arm around her shoulder, how good he smelled, how his hair tickled her neck and how happy she was.

And she realized that the prospect of being able to see him whenever they wanted - more or less at least - was a great part of that happiness. So she said it again, whispering in his ear "I love you. You make me so happy."

They went back soon afterwards, there would be dinner at six, Audrey had asked Carrie to stay, and they weren't sure how long it would be okay to stay away.

On their way back he had his arm around her shoulder, feeling the bare skin of her arm, warm from the sun, beneath his fingers. He wished he had some more time alone with her. They hadn't talked about _it_ since she'd been so sick. And there wouldn't be any chance for more intimacy today anyway so he'd just wait until he'd see her next time.

But before they left the park he pulled her in for another kiss, a real one, long and lingering, with his hands just above her cute ass, hoping that he would soon get a chance to show her his love again _that_ way. The kiss was promising and soon they would have so much more time.

When they parted she looked up to him and when she said "two more weeks" with a sweet smile he thought that she'd maybe thought about it as well.

  
\--------------------------

Carrie stayed until after dinner and then it was time for her to leave.

He walked her to the car which was parked about two hundreds yards away. As soon as they'd left the Taylor's driveway his arm went around her shoulders and she leant in, her arm coming round his waist and resting on hips. It was just a few hours since they'd touched the last time but he needed to feel her. It was just a matter of weeks now, the days countable, finally, but the prospect of Carrie leaving now and then going back to the centre tomorrow weighed heavy on his shoulders.

Audrey watched them from the kitchen window. It had been a pleasant day. She'd seen Andrew and Quinn forming a first bond of friendship and Robert had told her very pleased how he'd found the boy in the reading room after lunch, peaking into Jung Chan's Three Daughters of China, a book Robert recommended enthusiastically to each and everybody showing a minor interest in Chinese history. They had a brief but good conversation, Robert said and she was hopeful.

And there he was now, with Carrie, who had been a polite and pleasant guest, walking her to the car, arm around her shoulders. She'd seen him following her with his eyes wherever she went and whatever she did and Quinn had been much more relaxed while she was around. Carrie got many of his small smiles and some real ones, revealing cute dimples and when she was part of a conversation he was really engaging in it too. She remembered Frank's words - "He just needs to let people in, that's his biggest challenge. But those two are good for each other, you'll see." Well, apparently he'd been right.

Well, what she knew about his past was enough to lay the foundation for profound trust issues and Audrey knew that those wouldn't just vanish. She was glad he had at least one person he felt connected with. The first years with Andrew had been tough, until he'd learnt they would not abandon him whatever he would do. But she hoped Quinn would allow them to help him as well.

And with that, she put away the last dishes and left her spot at the kitchen window.

They didn't talk until they reached the car, both well aware that they were still in sight of anybody standing at the kitchen or reading room window. But Carrie had parked far enough down the road, around the corner in a dead end under a leafy tree, so they were finally completely out of sight.

"You did that on purpose, uhm?", Quinn asked with an amused smile in his voice.

"What?"

"Parking so far down the road."

"I did. I thought I owe us a minute alone and it was safer not just to rely on you to find a good place, as I couldn't know about the park", she kept the tone light and turned around, her back towards the car now, and wound her arms around his neck and went tippy toes for a brief kiss.

"That was a good afternoon, wasn't it?"

"Yes. Because you were here."

She smiled up to him and he closed the distance between them with one last step, bending down to kiss her properly. But she pulled back, looking very serious now.

"What is it, Carrie?"

"You will tell them that you want to live here, right?"

"Yes, I will. It's just...they should start the topic, uhm?"

"Yeah. Maybe."

"But?"

"I...well, you promise you'll talk to them?"

"I do. What's wrong?"

"They will tell you most of it later. I'm not supposed to know."

"You've been eavesdropping again?", he couldn't keep the amusement out of his voice.

Carrie pretended at least to look ashamed.

"I slept all day on Thursday. So I was awake at night."

She was fidgety now and once again he was torn between amusement and mild sorrow for her quick mood changes. So he aimed for very calm when answering, one of his hands now on her shoulder.

"I see. And?"

"They wouldn't tell you until you made your decision. They want you to decide unswayed."

"I said I'll talk to them. I said I'll give it a try."

"Tonight." He felt her dithering under his hand and sighed.

"Tonight. Promise."

She beamed with joy and took a deep breath.

"Well, you'll leave Flintstone in two weeks. But, and let me say it all, it's good, I promise it's good, don't worry. They won't be here then," she hurried now to say it all and he had difficulties to keep up with her, "they go for a cruise to some strange carribean islands so they can't take you along and then they'll be with Rebecca for two or three weeks to help with the baby. So Dad said you can spend the summer with us. If you want that. But they won't tell you before you said yes. Dad said to them you have to make up your mind without knowing. He doesn't want you to stay here just because of me. But as you made up your mind...hey, why don't you say anything?"

"Because you don't let me."

That wasn't true. He was just stunned. By Frank's kindness. By the sudden realization that it was just two weeks until he'd be free to leave Flintstone. By the new life he would have then which would be so different than everything he ever had experienced before. By the prospect to leave Flintstone to come to a place which could become a home. And to Carrie.

"Hey. I know", she nestled herself to him, "it's a lot. It's all getting real now. But I thought it's better if I tell you..."

"It's...I'm okay. I really am. It's just...", he didn't find the words to tell what he thought and felt so he fell silent, still a step away from her, feeling her hand around his. But Carrie got it, she always got his moods and needs, and suddenly she was all calm and caring, arms around his neck and giving him a squeeze.

"Shhh. We don't have to talk about it. We can...maybe just sit in the car for a few minutes?"

She opened the door of her sister's Ford Escort and he sat on the passenger seat where she folded herself in his lap.

It was good to be with her. Two weeks from now they could go for a walk and go home afterwards together. Or drive to see a movie in this very car. And then return back home later at night together. Or just be at home, spending a lazy afternoon together. Not just spending hours together but days and weeks.

"Hey. You okay?"

She spoke quietly and he clutched her even closer, his mouth now next to her ear where he placed a soft kiss.

"Yeah. Just stunned."

"In a good way?"

He gently moved her a few inches away, looked at her, cupped her cheek and kissed her.

"In a very good way. Two more weeks."

"Only two more weeks. And the rest is good, isn't it?"

"The rest is too good to be true. C'mere."

She would need to leave soon, he was probably expected back in and they were right in the middle of a residential street but one more kiss - a real one - was mandatory now.

He was craving for more of her, and got a sweet surprise when she broke the kiss, leant in and let her hand wander beneath his shirt, softly caressing his back, and whispered in his ear.

"Just you and me and lots of time. How does that sound? I miss you. I miss you so much."

He wished he could just drive away with her, somewhere secluded, it was a warm night, no need for a sleeping bag, she wouldn't be cold and then he could not just tell her how he felt for her but show her too. Get her out of that dress, kiss and caress her and... Alone the thought made him feel a shiver of arousal. Placed in his lap she felt it too, of course she did, she even wiggled a bit closer and they kissed again.

"God, Carrie...", he breathed, "I don't want you to leave. I don't wanna leave. I just wanna be with you, feel you and hold you. Just this."

His hands were under her skirt now, feeling the soft skin of her thighs and he felt her sighing against his lips, her hands still exploring the skin under his shirt.

Their kisses were hot and breathless now, he hoped their wouldn't be any neighbors walking dogs or cats or babies just now, and he knew he would probably go back to recalling the sensations later in the privacy of his bedroom. But for now they were still together and he indulged in every second of it.

This couldn't and wouldn't go any further tonight, they both knew well, and after a long while they broke the kiss but still kept their hands reluctantly where they were, sharing some last tender caresses while she nestled herself up against his chest.

"You have no idea what you're doing to me here", he sighed, his hand giving her thigh one last gentle stroke when she sighed at withdrew her hand from under his shirt.

She secretly smiled against his chest, feeling cherished and loved, and they sat there for a moment longer before she sighed, detached herself and climbed out of the car.

She giggled when he got out too and tried to adjust his jeans stealthily to feel less constricted, winding her arms around him again, coming very close once more with a swing of her hips, and whispered in his ear: "Two more weeks."

Quinn slapped her ass with a mock smack and kissed her once more, gently nibbling her lower lip while he muttered "Minx. I honestly don't know if I can wait that long" against her mouth.

They parted reluctantly and he walked her to the driver's side, just holding her hand now.

"That was a good day, wasn't it?"

"It was, Carrie. Drive safely. Want me to call you tomorrow before they drive me back?"

"Yes. Anytime you want."

She leant in once more for a last kiss.

"Hey. Can you believe it? It's really over. Two more weeks and Flintstone is behind you."

"I couldn't have done it without you. But it's over now. Or soon."

"Good night, Quinn."

"Good night."

He watched her getting into the car and carefully driving away and stood there a moment longer, thinking this might be the first of many times he would walk her to the car, kiss her good night there and see her driving away. And the next day or the day after that she'd come back. That knowledge made him happy beyond belief.

  
He slowly walked back to the house, making his way through the yard around the house. He'd been right, Audrey sat there and had her nightly cup of coffee. There was a second mug on the table.

"Sorry for being late."

"That's okay. I guess there's always a lot to talk about when you don't see each other that often."

"Yeah", he felt his heart beating but he really wanted to say it now, "actually there was something to talk about. I...told Carrie that I really would like to come and stay with you."

His eyes were on his mug but he saw Audrey's hand reaching over the table and lightly touching his.

"That is wonderful news, Quinn. I'm very happy about your decision. Wanna plan some details now or shall we wait til tomorrow?"

He looked up, a shy smile, but eye contact, and Audrey answered her question herself.

"Tomorrow then. Have a good night, Quinn."

  
Later, during the years he lived in Bethesda, especially when times were difficult, and the many visits afterwards after moving away as an adult, his mind often went back to that first day in his new home, how he made his decision to give family life another chance, and how different his life was afterwards.

But that night his hopes and dreams weren't about family life, they were about Carrie and about what finally might happen in two weeks time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe not what you were waiting for but necessary ;-)
> 
> I hope you still enjoy the story, even with them taking it really slow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn is finally leaving Flintstone and spending the summer with Carrie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Advent Calendar Fic for December 27.

Summer came and the days were long and hot.    
  
Quinn left Flintstone with little fanfare at the end of the term. He spent his last day having his exit interview with Mike and some of the other staff members, and was then allowed to go for a walk with Rob after he'd packed his few belongings. Rob would be placed in a Baltimore group home in October and they agreed to catch up then. It felt strange to have a phone number he could give so Rob could call him.   
  
Frank would pick him up on Saturday morning. Carrie's Dad had called him a week after the Bethesda weekend and had officially invited him to spend four weeks with the Mathison family before Quinn would move into his new home in Bethesda and start in a new school. He'd been glad he already had secretly known this news because otherwise he would have been at a loss for words. This way, he'd been able to utter a 'Thank you'. I  
  
Carrie and he agreed that she wouldn't come to pick him up. He didn't want their reunion happening at the centre's gates or in the parking lot. He did not want to spend a single hour longer in or around Flintstone than was necessary. So he'd see her in her Arlington home.   
  
She was much better now. Yet often tired and he could hear her underlying sadness when they spoke, hoping he would find a way to make it easier for her as soon as he was allowed to be around more often.   
  
He had no idea how spending four weeks with her would be and whether they would pick up where they'd been before she'd been in hospital. Yet he was determined not to push her or to overwhelm her. They'd waited the longest time and although he was longing for her in a way he'd never known before, he was resolved to let Carrie set the pace for whatever lay ahead of them.   
  
They didn't touch that topic in their phone calls or letters and Carrie wondered how having him around all day - and nights - would be.    
  
As she’d prepared the guest room, silently wondering whether Quinn would come to her room, the first night, her father had appeared. Leaning in the doorway, he’d lightly commented on Carrie’s efforts. “This is nice,” Frank said. “I know you’ll be spending a lot of time together, but you’ll both need some space, too.” Carrie wasn’t entirely sure about that, but his voice dropped an octave when he added, meaningfully, “at night, for example.” Carrie could see that Frank was struggling, as he often had as a single father, with how to protect her while also allowing her to mature into the young woman she was becoming.

They had four weeks together now, longer than they'd spent together during the prior year combined, and she was excited and grateful for her father's kind generosity.   
  
Saturday morning she was up early and prepared breakfast even before her father was awake. Frank wasn't surprised to find his youngest in the kitchen when he came downstairs and silently reflected how quickly the last year had passed.    
  
They shared breakfast in companionable silence and he left right after, but not without giving Carrie a tight hug and gladly accepting the thermos and sandwiches she'd prepared for him - and then smiling when he saw a second mug in the basket. Well, he thought, I'd better get used to it, I come in second now.   
  
Carrie spend the morning with a bike ride and swimming at the local outdoor pool. The day would be hot but the pool was empty in those early morning hours. Thinking that she could come back the very next day together with Quinn was overwhelming.   
  
Her dad and Quinn wouldn't return before early afternoon so she kept herself busy with a detour to the local library, choosing some books. Picking some books for Quinn was a habit now, she'd done it all year long, and yet it felt special today.   
  
She extended her stay by reading for about an hour and having a soda and a sandwich in the cafeteria, and so it happened that she just arrived back home when her father's car pulled up into the driveway. She was about a hundred yards away and got off her bike, pushing it slowly along the sidewalk now, watching the now so familiar tall frame unfolding from her dad's car, and her heart filled with joy.   
  
Quinn had already seen her. She saw him exchanging a few words with her dad and then he ambled along the fence to meet her, his happy smile betraying his fake-casual walk.   
  
He stood in front of her now, she had stopped walking too, and the relief she felt was vast.   
  
"Hey."   
  
His voice was low, his glance quizzical.   
  
"Hey yourself."   
  
She briefly wondered how much of a display of affection might be okay in their neighborhood and for her dad, but her dad was already inside, and so she went one step closer, her bike at an odd one-handed angle now, and wound her arm around Quinn's waist. His arms went around her shoulders and he pulled her close, her face now buried in his chest, she felt a kiss on the top of her head and his heartbeat against her cheek.   
  
"You okay?" she heard his voice and nodded.He felt and smelled so good.   
  
They stood for a moment longer before he let go of her, took her bike and they strolled back to the house, his free hand brushing over her shoulder blade twice.   
  
Maggie had prepared a light lunch, salad and sandwiches because later they'd have pizza when the Orioles played the Milwaukee Brewers.   
  
"You are not expected to watch but you might get a bit lonely considering every other member of the household likes watching," Frank smiled and Carrie casted him an apologetic glance.   
  
"I'd like watching. Haven't seen a good game in ages."   
  
"They won last night. So I hope they'll win tonight too. Jeff Tackett hit a homerun last week. Last bat off of his career. Boy, I can tell you, I screamed the house down."   
b    
"He did," Maggie added with a smile.   
  
"And who knows how many games we'll get this season."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Oh, sure, you can't know. There might be a strike sometime soon. I'll need to look for another favorite pastime then. We better enjoy tonight. But as I said, no obligations."   
  
Quinn helped Carrie do the dishes after lunch, Maggie was upstairs preparing her college applications and Frank was having a nap, or as he put it “recharging  for tonight." So they were alone for the first time since she'd left Bethesda.   
  
Carrie put the last plates away and turned, seeing him leaning in the door jamb, watching her.  It was a strange but good feeling to see him standing there and to know he'd be there from now on.   
  
"Want to go upstairs? I… I brought you…  _ us _ some books from the library. Or we can sit outside. Or go to the pool, I was there in the morning and -" she knew she was babbling when he interrupted her.   
  
"C'mere. Too many choices. Whatever you like is fine for me. We don't have to do it all in one day or one weekend now."   
  
He reached for her hand while he was talking and gently pulled her closer until she finally stood right in front of him.   
  
"Nervous?"   
  
She nodded and he pulled her close and just held her for a moment.   
  
"Me too. Wanna talk about it?"   
  
"Not here. Upstairs maybe?"   
  
Following her upstairs he took a deep breath wondering why being here now somehow felt different from his other visits. He remembered all the moments he'd spent in this house, the happy ones and the two desperate nights when she'd been in the hospital.   
  
"Here we are," Carrie said as she closed the door behind them.   
  
Somehow she was in his arms a second later, they didn't know who reached out first and he felt her arms closing around his waist, her petite frame leaning against him and closed his eyes, indulging in the moment.   
  
When Carrie wiggled for some room he loosened his grip a bit and looked down at her, and she went on her toes to kiss him. It was a short kiss, a bit shy, but she was awed but the jolt of excitement it sent through her spine. She knew he felt the same when he sighed as she broke away.   
  
"I missed you."   
  
"You'll see enough of me for the next weeks. I just hope you don't get tired of having me around."   
  
He said it with a light tone and so Carrie decided to keep it light too.   
  
"Nah, don't think so. As long as you do the dishes."   
  
"C'mere you," he pulled her close again, "I'll do the dishes. But now I want to tell you something," his voice dropped as she was close to him now again, "I missed you too."   
  
Taking her hand Quinn lead her to her bed and pulled her into his lap when he sat down.   
  
"No need to be nervous."   
  
"And you were all cool?" he got a gentle nudge from her elbow but she smiled.   
  
"No," he chuckled, "I'm not. But I hope we don't need to be nervous."   
  
"No, we don't need to. It's just… it was such a long time and now it's finally over and it's a bit overwhelming. In a good way."   
  
"I know. Same here. In a good way. A very good way."   
  
"Are you okay with watching the game?"   
  
"Of course I am. Actually I'm looking forward to it. You all seem to be so… enthusiastic about it."   
  
"Maggie and I mostly are for Dad's sake. The Orioles are his favorite thing in the world."   
  
"You are my favorite thing in the world."   
  
"I'm no thing," her voice was soft and with a smile, "but I like being your favorite person in the world."   
  
Quinn's hand went into her hair and his fingers entangled into some strands when he bent his head and kissed her.   
  
"You know that. It’s no secret."   
  
And then they kissed once more, a lingering kiss this time, their lips gently exploring and probing, his arm around hers shoulders now to support her when she leant back. She made a sweet sigh when the tip of his tongue carefully touched her lips and she parted them for him, melting into him on his lap. It was a long kiss and the reunion they deserved. When they broke the kiss for a moment Quinn lowered her to her bed and placed himself next to her, their fingers interlacing for the next kiss.   
  
They spent a long time on Carrie's bed, carefully reconnecting while kissing and holding each other. There was no rush now. They had four precious weeks of summer ahead of them and there was an unspoken agreement not to hurry.   
  
They heard Frank going back downstairs after a while, some jazz was floating through the house then, a doorbell, a slamming door and a male voice announced Bill's arrival some time later.   
  
Carrie was snuggled in the crook of Quinn's arm for quite a while, their hands laid interlaced on his abdomen while his other hand was lazily caressing Carrie's arm.   
  
"Better now?"   
  
"Yeah. You?"   
  
"Yes. The last couple of days… I've been counting the hours."   
  
"It's been a long year at Flintstone."   
  
"Yeah. I don’t think I could have done it without you."   
  
"I didn't do that much."   
  
"You did, Carrie. I'll never forget that. Your letters, your visits, knowing you were there… and waiting for me. I know I wasn't the most obvious choice - and yet you chose me anyway And waited. That's the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So never say you didn't do much."   
  
They kissed again and Carrie knew she was going to have the best summer of her life.    
  
Later they reluctantly decided it was time to make themselves seen again but neither of them could muster the ambition to get up. Their legs were entangled, Carrie was still in his arms, they were lying facing each other now and her hands framed his face as she kissed him again, much softer now than a few minutes before.   
  
"I don't want to go downstairs."   
  
"We probably should. Your dad would be disappointed."   
  
"Probably."   
  
"Hey. I'm here now. I won't leave in two days."   
  
"I know. Four weeks," she wiggled closer, "you think you want to come back here tonight? I-"   
  
"You want me to?"   
  
"I think so. Not for - but..." she blushed and looked away.   
  
"Hey. It's okay. No rush. I wouldn't ask for anything more than what we just had. That's not why you were nervous, were you?"   
  
"Maybe a bit," Carrie confessed.   
  
"God. Carrie. Why didn't you tell me? Of course not. Not today, not tonight. Why should that have changed?" He gently pulled her back a bit to make eye contact, "we will never do anything you don't feel ready for. We have time now."   
  
"I'm not saying no, it's just... taking it slow, okay? Cause I want to but-"   
  
"Of course that’s okay. And I think," he pulled her on top of him, "as much as I like your dad and your sister, certain things should happen when they are not around."   
  
She smiled and kissed him once more before they got up to go downstairs.    
  
The Orioles won the game and it was one of the best evenings Quinn had ever had. They had pizza in front of the TV, Frank offered him and Bill a beer each too, and there was a lot of cheering and laughter.    
  
It was way after eleven when they went upstairs but nevertheless Carrie pulled him in her room.   
  
"Nobody will notice tonight."   
  
They kissed goodnight right there, next to the door.    
  
"Want me to come back?" he whispered before he kissed her one last time.   
  
"Yes. I'll wait."   
  
He was back an hour later, after Frank went to bed, wondering if she might have fallen asleep in between. But she was still awake, reading with a small flashlight.    
  
He'd spent most of the hour contemplating how to interpret the taking it slow-dictum for tonight. Because of course he wanted more of her. But he knew she needed time to get back to where they'd been before her relapse. He hadn't even asked yet how she was feeling. But that wasn't a question for tonight. They had plenty of time now, and could save the serious stuff for another day.   
  
Carrie sat up when he slipped into the room and he saw she was only wearing a tight tank top and pj bottoms, and the way the top exposed her curves made him swallow, thinking she probably had no idea what seeing her like this did to him.   
  
She got up and met him halfway, the flashlight still in her hand but switched off now, winding her arms around his waist and met him for a kiss.   
  
Before long they were on her bed, sharing more urgent kisses now, Carrie laying on top of him a few minutes later, and all attempts to hide his desire for her were wasted energy anyway, as the firmness beneath the fabric of his boxers was very obvious.   
  
A while later she laid next to him, they were both on their sides, very close, he felt her breath on his skin, his hand slowly stroking along her back and her naked arm. He felt goosebumps rising and subsiding again as his hand ran over her skin, and her leg locked around his.   
  
"You like that?"   
  
"Yeah. I do."   
  
"Just relax, please? I won't try anything tonight, I promise. I just want to show you that I love you."   
  
His voice was low and Carrie was stunned by the emotions that simple statement made her feel. Since she'd been released from the hospital, she still often felt disconnected from her feelings, but right now that well was open again   
  
"I love you too."   
  
So they spent the hours til dawn sharing soft and gentle caresses, dreamy and urgent kisses and whispered love declarations. They didn't undress, but occasionally his hands ghosted over her breasts making her long for more. But they had time now.   
  
It was nearly five when he kissed her one last time and slipped out of her room. He tried to go to sleep right away when he was in his own bed but couldn't. His erection had been borderline painful for the last hour, and it wouldn't get any better as long as he still was thinking about her, her small figure on top of him, his hands mapping her curves, her nipples pressing against the fabric of her top, the sweet whimpers she'd made during their more urgent open-mouthed kisses. His hand was in his boxer shorts before he had really made that decision but he decided not to stop. He hadn't had the seclusion and privacy of his own bedroom for ages, and picturing Carrie and what they might do soon, again, while taking care of himself without any rush was a rare pleasure. He hoped she wouldn't mind should she ever know. Maybe he would tell her some day soon. He had no idea if she was doing it too, sometimes, but the answer was probably yes. One of his favorite fantasies was that one night with Carrie naked next to him and stroking and encircling him, slow and gentle first and then more rapid and with a firmer touch. The image took him over the edge and soon he was sound asleep.   
  
It was eleven when he woke up again, ashamed by how long he had slept. But when he came downstairs after a quick shower, he found only Carrie sitting in the porch with the newspaper.   
  
"Hey."   
  
"Good morning."   
  
Her smile was beautiful and he realized that it was the first of many mornings he'd probably be the recipient of that smile.   
  
He sat next to her and she took his hand for a squeeze.   
  
"Don't look so incredulous. The good life starts now. It's okay to sleep in on your first day of vacation."   
  
"Sorry. I didn't plan to. Why didn't you wake me up? Where's everybody?"   
  
"I went to church with my dad. I just came home. He's still there having coffee with his friends. Maggie is meeting friends for swimming."   
  
Carrie got up and went inside. A moment later she was back with a second mug on a tray with a plate with sandwiches.   
  
"When did you get up?"   
  
"Eight."   
  
"That's early."   
  
"Yeah," her gaze went down to her bare feet, "I have to take my meds then. They have a short half-life. I’m on a strict schedule."   
  
He looked at her for a moment, it hurt to see that she was ashamed.   
  
But when he reached for her hand she didn't pull back, and when his arm went around her shoulders she leaned in.   
  
"Hey. I didn't know that. We'll find a way so you'll get some more sleep. I shouldn't keep you awake so long then."   
  
"No. It's fine."   
  
"It's not," he kept her close and kissed the top of her head, "and you don't need to feel embarrassed. It’s not a big deal. You know you can talk to me."   
  
"I know. It's just not my favorite topic. At least not before breakfast."   
  
Despite the situation, he had to smile above her head.   
  
"Then let's have breakfast first."   
  
Carrie herself revisited to the topic after they emptied their plates and she returned to gently lean into his side, her head on his shoulder.   
  
"My sleeping pattern is a mess. And I need to figure it out before school starts in the fall. Right now I often sleep during the days."   
  
She was speaking fast.   
  
"How are you now that you’re back at home?"   
  
"Better. Much better."   
  
"How many spoons have you used til now?"   
  
"Three, maybe four." But she showed a small smile, probably because he remembered that analogy.   
  
"That's good. But you have to kick me out of your room earlier."   
  
"No," she turned her head to see him, "I wanted you to stay."   
  
She blushed a bit and he realized she had no idea how much he enjoyed being with her last night.   
  
"Hey you," he cupped her cheek, "I wanted to stay too. And I'll be back tonight if you let me," he closed the distance and kissed her briefly for the first time that morning, "but we'll make sure you get a bit more sleep and I get up before eleven, right?"   
  
They kissed again, carefully, a new feeling exposing their affection for all neighbors to see.   
So they broke away after a moment and he squeezed her gently for a moment before he let go of her.   
  
"What do you want to do today?"   
  
"I don't know. What do you usually do?"   
  
"Reading, here or at the park, swimming, sometimes hanging out with Maggie and her friends."   
  
"Sounds good."   
  
"Yeah, but what do you want to do today? Because we have to choose one."   
  
"You choose," he shrugged, hoping she would drop the topic. He wasn't an expert in how to spend a summer break.   
  
"We can hang out with Maggie and her friends any day. So maybe we could just go to the park and read and talk? Just you and me?"   
  
She looked at him, hopeful and with a cute smile.   
  
"Sounds like a plan."   
  
"Ah, before I forget. Andrew Taylor called two days ago. He'll be at his parents' place for a few days and asked me to tell you to call him. He said you should come over for basketball or we could see a movie with him and Amy. That's his girlfriend."

That was a surprise. Carrie could see him considering the option.

“They are nice, both of them,” she offered as reassurance.

“Yeah. I might call him,” and when he saw her furrowing her brow, “yes, really.”   
  
\-----------------   
  
They spent the day with biking along the Potomac River and had a long break for sandwiches and soda, followed by snuggling and talking while they lay on a blanket Carrie had brought along.   
  
Carrie was tired when they came home late in the afternoon and went upstairs for a short nap while Quinn sat in the garden, joining Frank who was reading a newspaper.   
  
Soon Maggie arrived and the young folks, as Frank called them, prepared dinner. Carrie rode her bike to the store as they were out of cheese and when she came back dinner was ready. Maggie was planning to see some girlfriends after dinner and Frank wanted to listen to a new jazz album he had bought and so it was Quinn and Carrie who again cleared the table and did the dishes.   
  
Afterwards, they settled outside in the porch swing, taking turns reading a book Carrie had chosen -  _ Snow Falling on Cedars _ .   
  
It was around ten when she finally put the book away but curled herself into his side and took his hand when his arm went around her shoulders.   
  
He felt dreamy and peaceful. He never had a day like this before. Just doing nice things, knowing the next day would be as good as this one and the next one too. Coming back in the evening to a place he liked to be with people waiting for him. Being with Carrie without any rush or time pressure because they had the next day and the next week and the next month ahead of them.   
  
Frank had seen them a while earlier when he went to the fridge to grab a beer and couldn't resist sneaking a peak towards the garden. They sat in the porch swing, Quinn reclined, his arms crossed at the back of his head, Carrie next to him, her legs across his lap, ankles crossed with a book in her hand. Frank couldn't hear if they were reading or talking but seeing them so at ease with each other and the bright smile on his younger daughter's face made him happy.    
  
It was an unconventional arrangement, inviting his underage daughter's first boyfriend to be their house guest all summer long, but conventional had never been a huge plus in Frank Mathison's book. He understood that he was powerless to stop the progress of their relationship. He just hoped Carrie would be ready. And Quinn too. But as far as he could see they hadn't been using their freedom and time alone today for anything other than being together and enjoying their time. He'd seen them coming home with the bikes, had heard Carrie's laughter when entering the house and had been pleased to have a chat with the boy when Carrie had needed a break. Apparently those two had spoken about her condition and needs, because Quinn had just squeezed her shoulder and said, "see you soon," when she'd excused herself. Frank knew Carrie had been feeling self-conscious about still being in a phase of adjusting her meds after her recent relapse. Although he hadn't doubted Quinn's willingness to understand and adapt, he understood why it was difficult for Carrie.   
  


So he was glad to see the two of them at the end of their first day together, talking, smiling and having a good time together. They both deserved it, Frank thought when he slowly went back to his study to indulge in his music again.   
  
Quinn had started to caress her bare leg when it was her turn to read, slow circles below her knee. And he didn't stop when it was his turn to read, nor when they put the book away and were just talking. It felt good. There had been some kisses in the park and she'd been laying in his arms for a good hour but they hadn't been in the seclusion of her room all day. Maybe it was time to go upstairs.   
  
So she raised into a seating position, pressed a kiss on his cheek and whispered, “how about we turn in?" and went inside to say goodnight to her father.    
  
He brought their soda cans inside and disposed of them in the kitchen, and met her at the bottom of the stairs.   
  
"Dad said he's going to watch a movie now," she whispered when he pulled her close as soon as they were in her room.   
  
"So two hours?"   
  
"More or less."   
  
He kissed her right there, leaning her against the now-closed door, and it felt different than the night before.   
  
Her hands slowly went under his shirt, a soft and caressing touch up his back, a bit hesitant, and he lifted her and carried her the few steps over to her bed.   
  
Their kisses were hot and breathless tonight, they had needed last night and that day to get close again and now it felt safe and good again.   
  
He pulled his shirt over his head right away, he wanted to feel her touch on his skin, but he didn't undress her right away. She was wearing a simple t-shirt with a v-neck today and cut-offs and after long and lingering kisses his mouth wandered down, nuzzling the skin along her neck and then along her collarbone, searching the naked skin and kissing her there too. She let a sweet suppressed moan, enough encouragement for him to move a hand along her ribcage, ghosting over the side of her breast and then slowly cupping her breast.   
  
They kissed again, she was parting her lips for him, her tongue touching his, and he felt her nipple getting hard under his touch. God, how he'd missed being with her.   
  
"Carrie… I missed you… I missed this..."   
  
She sat up and looked at him, there was still enough daylight to see her smile, and then she got up and locked the door.   
  
She sat next to him when she came back, Quinn sat up, his eyes roaming reverently over her slender body and gentle curves, and pulled her in for another kiss, slowly lifting the hem of her shirt to move his hand beneath.    
  
Feeling his hand on her skin again made her stomach flip over. He was so good at making her feel loved and wanted. She'd been looking forward to seeing him but she'd been nervous, too; but realized here and now that there was no need. There hadn't been a single minute today which hadn't been good or had felt awkward.    
  
He was fiddling with the back of her shirt now, trying to get more range to stroke her back and she breathed a ticklish laugh.   
  
"We can take it off. Makes it a bit easier for you."   
  
"I won't say no. C'mere."   
  
He couldn't resist casting a look when he helped her remove the shirt and pulled her in a soft embrace, caressing her now-exposed skin along her back.   
  
"You've been swimming," he muttered in her ear while pushing her back to lie down against a cushion, "there's white skin and tanned skin."   
  
"We can go together one of the next days. You like swimming?"   
  
"I do. Although I still can’t believe that we can suddenly make those plans."   
  
While he was talking, his finger was dreamily tracing the white line her swimsuit had left on her shoulder, right next to the strap of her bra.   
  
"I told you there are good times ahead of you, us, now. This is just the beginning, Quinn - you don't have to go back to Flintstone. And even after summer we can see each other several times a week, every day if we want that."   
  
"Okay if I need a few days to get used to it?"   
  
"As long as you don't need to get used to me."   
  
She said it with a smile but nevertheless he heard the small quiver in her voice.   
  
"Never. Carrie, I enjoyed today a lot. It's just - I never had anything like that. Someone making breakfast for me and waiting with a cup of coffee while I sleep in. Spending a day in the park, reading, talking, fooling around, having a picnic because you were thoughtful enough to prepare that. Coming home for dinner and talking about our day with your family. Spending the evening with you. I sometimes feel like I need to pinch myself. So - I don't need to get used to having you around because that is what I was waiting for a whole year now. But the rest still feels new."   
  
His voice had been low and she snuggled herself into the crook of his elbow while his hand still fondled her shoulder at a dreamy pace.   
  
"Hey. Some of that isn't new for me. The dinner part. But the rest, I never had that either. Just so you know."   
  
He hadn't considered that yet. And this here is new for her too, he thought when he poised over her to kiss her and finally start doing instead of talking. Despite wanting Carrie, taking it slow felt good. Not because he didn't want to be with her, of course he wanted that, but because it felt like they were worth it. There would be a tomorrow and a next week and a next month and, as far as he was concerned, a next year too. Maybe even longer. That suddenly is a possibility.   
  
She was wearing the bra with the front clasp, the one she'd been wearing when he had been allowed to undress her for the first time back in spring, and he knew she remembered too when he slowly moved his hands over the soft swell of her breast just above the cups and then to the small magnetic clasp.   
  
She watched him as he opened it with a soft click and moved his hands under the cups, feeling the delicate skin and her nipples tightening beneath his palms.   
  
He felt goosebumps rising under the tips of his fingers and saw Carrie slowly inhaling when he snuggled next to her, going on with his gentle fondling.   
  
It was like they were starting new again, slowly exploring and probing. Her bra was gone soon and he was awed by her soft curves and the way she nestled herself up against his palms, silently conveying that she enjoyed his touch as much as he enjoyed it. He knew how sensitive her breasts were to his caresses and kisses and how much she'd enjoyed this during their days by the river, and it had the same effect on him like back then.   
  
She was perfect and this was perfect.   
  
He tasted the sun and fresh air on her skin and felt the warmth of her body against his, skin finally touching skin again, hands tracing curves, mouths exploring and kissing - that was how they spent those precious hours.   
  
It was nearly midnight when they heard the music stopping and Frank rummaging around downstairs.   
  
So Quinn quickly got up, kissing her breathlessly once more, and rushed into the guest room right before Frank came upstairs.   
  
He went back half an hour later, just to kiss her goodnight but she was already deep asleep. He left the room quietly after looking at her for a few seconds, feeling his heart was about to burst into two halves by the love he felt for her.   
  
\---------------------   
  
Looking back later, that summer felt endless. The days were sunny and golden and there wasn't a single day that didn't feel good. They settled into a lazy routine, supported by Frank who gave them space. They spent time in the park and at the library, went to see some museums and landmarks that Quinn never had visited before. Some days they went swimming or he joined her running in the morning, other days they met with Maggie's friends and twice with Andrew and his friends. Quinn knew Carrie wasn't at ease with larger groups of other people, always fearing someone might have heard about her illness, but once they were there, she was much more relaxed than he could ever be, having smart conversation and making good-natured jokes. He liked to listen to her when she discussed politics or a book or film she liked. She was smart and her brain worked fast and she came up with great and convincing conclusions in discussions.   
  
Frank had two weeks off too before he was going to teach summer school a few hours each day, covering last minute for a colleague. Some days he joined them when they were going to a museum, and they had dinner together nearly every day. The Major League Baseball had indeed gone on strike, much to Frank's dismay. On the days Carrie needed a break in the afternoon Quinn spent that hour sitting in the garden with Frank, talking or reading the newspaper or he’d go on a bike ride alone, exploring the area and thinking about how it would be to live here - because in just a few weeks he'd move in with the Taylors.   
  
Frank enjoyed those afternoons they spent together, just as he enjoyed the nightly dinners with the house filled with young people, Bill often joining them along with Maggie's girlfriends she sometimes invited over.    
  
He wondered if he should talk to Quinn or Carrie again about being responsible - but decided not to. He’d had that talk with both of them and, as far as he could see Quinn was adoring Carrie and treated her with plenty of affection and careful tenderness, giving her all the space she needed. And Carrie was happy, he could see that. So when he’d been asked if he could cover the open position in summer school last minute, he agreed - thinking he wouldn't be able to stop the way of the world anyway. His girls were suddenly grown up.   
  
\--------------------   
  
Having a lot of time together was the greatest gift of that summer. Their few days together at Flintstone always had been great and a much-needed gift during difficult months but the knowledge that they had to separate again just a few hours later had always overshadowed their precious time together.   
  
It was into his second week at the Mathison's house - Quinn had sneaked back to Carrie's room for their usual nightly secret time together after a day they'd spent downtown, followed by a quick detour to the local pool on the way back - when they went further again. Not that there had been a lack of physical closeness, not at all, there had been a lot of kisses, snuggling and caresses every night and they'd always found some time to be close during the day.    
  
After swimming, they'd stood in the pool, the water lapping around Carrie's shoulders, and what had been meant just to be a short kiss had deepened and he'd cupped her ass under water, pressing her a bit closer. She'd laughed against his mouth but hadn't moved away, quite the opposite, and had kissed him again. This had resulted in Quinn needing to spend a few minutes longer in the water to avoid obvious embarrassment. Carrie had smiled and sat on the blanket, waiting for him.   
  
But when they'd walked over to the car she'd wound an arm around his neck and kissed him again, and it had felt different.   
  
And it felt different now. Although he was in her room every night, sometimes for just an hour, sometimes much longer, this night was different.   
  
They kissed as soon as he sat next to her on her bed and what started as a gentle and tender kiss soon became more urgent. Their shirts soon were gone, Carrie's bra too. Being allowed to touch, caress and kiss her and the way she reacted to his touch her was always arousing for him too. He loved doing this with her and he was longing to do more for her. And apparently she felt the same. Her hands slowly caressed his back while he was holding and kissing her and his breathing hitched when he felt her slipping inside the back of his boxer shorts. He’d been hard since he’d started to fondle her breasts and as she pulled him closer, with her hands around his ass now, he felt himself twitching against her thigh.   
  
He was about to pull back a bit but she followed his movement, adding more friction for a sweet moment.   
  
"Turn on your back," she whispered, kissing his ear.   
  
She moved her hand to his front and slowly caressed his abdomen now, and then slid further down, cupping him through the fabric of his boxers. He wound his arm around her shoulder to hold her in the crook of his arm, searching her mouth for a kiss.   
  
She was palming his firmness now, a soft and delicate touch which made him shiver because it felt so good.   
  
"Remember that day of the barbecue?"   
  
"Of course I do."   
  
"Want me to do that again? Because I really like that."   
  
"C'mere."   
  
They kissed and he slowly edged his hand beneath her panties, awed by the warmth and softness of her sweet round ass.   
  
"Undress. Please."   
  
"You too."   
  
They kept kissing, breathless and urgent now, while pushing their underwear down, and just broke the kiss for a few seconds to free their legs and kick their briefs away.   
  
Then she was back in his arms, naked now, so very close to him. They were on their sides, facing each other and he closed the distance to kiss her.   
  
He cupped her ass, a hand on each buttock, and pressed her close, and she opened her mouth for him, their kiss deepened as her upper leg went around him and he felt himself grazing her soft wet entrance.   
  
Carrie gasped, her mouth still at his, and he stilled for a moment, but she pressed herself closer to him again so he slowly started rubbing himself against her. He knew they wouldn't sleep together tonight but finally being so close again, the tip of his cock nudging at her entrance, and feeling and hearing how much she enjoyed it too was utterly exciting.    
  
She slowly rocked her hips back and forth, he felt her buttocks gently moving beneath his hands, and she softly moaned into his mouth while kissing him, and he gave himself to the cadence she set. He felt how she was getting wet and felt himself gliding over that soft wetness and it was the most erotic thing he could imagine right now. Being so close, doing this, the trust she had in him, feeling how lust and desire built up while being so madly in love.   
  
"Carrie," he whispered, "my Carrie. I love you. I'll always love you." And it was true. He knew that moment she would always possess his heart.    
  
"I love you too," she whispered, slowly moving her mouth away from his while she pressed herself against him one last time, "and I want you to feel how much I love you."   
  
Her hand playfully shoved against his shoulder and he rolled on his back with a sigh, already missing the pleasurable feelings being so very close to her had caused. But then she raised a bit, leant in for a kiss and slowly wrapped her hand around his cock, softly stroking the smooth, soft skin.   
  
"Like this?"   
  
"Carrie… yes. Like that..." he finished his incoherent sentence with a sigh, his hand caressing her back while she went on and stroked, encircled and caressed him, with a soft and gentle touch first but then getting a bit firmer.   
  
"Did you ever think about that night?"   
  
His breathing was already getting rapid and louder, she felt his breath hot on her skin when he whispered in her ear, after a gentle bite on her earlobe, making her shiver.   
  
"Often. Very often. Being with you… like this… you touching me… or when I was doing this for you… that… and making love to you."   
  
She hadn't stopped moving her hand around him, a bit firmer now, in a way that would make him lose his mind very soon and she loved feeling and hearing how he much enjoyed it.    
  
"Carrie… yes… like this..." his voice was low, he was holding her tight and ever since they'd kissed in the pool she'd been waiting to give and do more. It had been exciting, kissing and feeling him under the surface of the water, feeling how he enjoyed it too. And seeing him, he was so good looking, she loved looking at him, and most of all she liked what she saw in his eyes when he looked at her.   
  
She moved her hand to the top and, when she sensed his breathing getting ragged, she stayed there, gently rubbing the few drops of wetness she found there with her thumb while she kept moving her hand up and down. He moaned and buried his mouth at her neck, hoping he hadn't been to loud. When she did it again, moving her thumb, she felt him twitching in her hand and writhing under her touch, moving his hips to stay close with her.   
  
"Carrie..." as if only her name made sense to him, "Carrie, don't stop now..." his hand went around hers, just a bit more pressure, and the next time she flitted her thumb over his tip he went over the edge, squeezing her hand and trembling under her touch with a suppressed moan.   
  
Carrie stayed with him and moved her hand a few times more, which felt incredible. She felt incredible.    
  
As his orgasm tapered off he clutched her even closer to his chest and raised his head for a moment to press a kiss to her forehead.   
  
She felt his heart racing under her ear as she slowly pulled away her hand and rested it on a dry spot on his abdomen. Then she placed a soft kiss on his chest and snuggled into his side again, enjoying the closeness while Quinn quickly fished for a Kleenex from her nightstand with a long arm and wiped himself and her hand dry.   
  
She'd missed him for so many days and nights, and now he was finally here with her, and it felt so good to do this with him.   
  
He held her close now and stroked her arm with one hand, just gentle caresses but she knew there would be more soon and the anticipation was exciting. Doing this for him had been exciting. Touching him, hearing and feeling how much he enjoyed it, knowing that he enjoyed it because she did this for him - all this had an effect on her as well and she'd enjoyed the warmth spreading between her legs. And now his hand wandered down her spine to her ass and pressed her closer as his mouth sought hers.   
  
"I owe you," he whispered before kissing her, "and I don’t like to be in debt."   
  
She smiled against his mouth and so did he and she realized that he could do whatever he wanted with her, she trusted him - and she was longing to be with him. They wouldn't wait forever now, just until the right occasion.   
  
"What we did before… that felt good too..."   
  
"Yeah, very good. Almost too good," he turned her on her back and covered her right breast with his palm, gently fondling her, "because you blew my mind each time you moved."   
  
But now it was about her, he wanted to give her the same pleasure she’d given to  him and he was longing to touch and feel her.   
  
She was his, and each day of their first week together had felt like a new life. And now he held his wonderful girl in his arms, saw the love and longing in her eyes, and was allowed to cherish and make her feel what he just had felt.   
  
So his hand went between her legs, grazing over the delicate skin on the inside of her thighs, amazed when she gradually opened up for him. She was in his arm again, her head on his shoulder, when he slowly moved his hand to cup and stroke her.   
  
When he noticed Carrie was holding her breath, he clutched her closer to his chest for a moment.   
  
"You okay?"   
  
She sighed, and he felt her nodding when he loosened his grip and resumed exploring her.    
  
She felt his fingers starting to make small circles, just his fingertips, and it was sending jolts of pleasure through her core.    
  
"Quinn..." her voice was soft, muffled as she pressed her mouth in his chest, "this feels so good… don't stop..."   
  
"I won't, baby, I won't… I want you to feel this."   
  
His fingers were exploring the soft wetness around her entrance now and he was mesmerized by the soft sounds she made and by how easily he could slip a fingertip inside her. He stilled for a moment, carefully watching for any sign of discomfort, and then went on, allowing his finger to enter her a bit deeper and building a gentle rhythm.   
  
"Is that what you like?" his voice was hoarse and he hoped she was enjoying this as much as he did.   
  
"Yes… that..." her answer was a soft sigh and so he carefully entered his finger a bit deeper, awed by how snug and soft she felt inside.   
  
He noticed how she slowly started to raise and rock her hips, meeting his careful movements with a slow pace.   
  
Their breathing was the only sounds in the serene intimacy of Carrie's bedroom and he felt her hand clenching into his arm holding her as she buried her face in his side.   
  
She'd never felt this way before, like she was going to burst any moment. All of her sensations were intensified and all she could think was that she didn't want him to stop.    
  
She'd been pliant in his arm but now he felt her tensing, and her breathing getting more rapid, she was stifling a moan by pressing her mouth against his skin, and when he withdrew his finger, now smooth and wet, and gently brushed it over the small bud two or three times - he knew she was there when her body jerked in his arm.   
  
It felt incredible. Waves. Hot and raising higher and sweet and so good. His hand was still there, and it happened again. She felt it everywhere, and her heart was swelling ,and it didn't stop, slower now, a very gentle touch, it made her tremble once more and he held her close and tight, otherwise she'd probably fall apart - but not with him, he had her and held her.   
  
Neither of them moved, he had both arms wrapped around her now and was awed by the love and arousal he’d felt while witnessing her coming, knowing that it had been he himself doing this for her. She'd been silent, only her breathing and her shivering giving him an indication of what was happening with her, and now she still trembled every now and then. He shifted a bit to his side to pull her in closer and kissed her forehead when she came to rest in his arm again. Her eyes were closed and he kissed her eyelids, her temples, butterfly kisses while he smoothed a strand of hair from her forehead, and finally her mouth, just a soft kiss before he lay back again.   
  
"Keep holding me tight," Carrie whispered, "don't go away yet."   
  
"I won't. I'm here. I got you."   
  
She felt his arms and his leg warm and heavy around her and she'd never felt so good, so content, so loved before.   
  
Time didn't matter, it was the middle of the night, nobody would disturb them for another few hours. He didn’t think he needed to sleep at all if it meant he could just stay with her.   
  
After a while, she stirred, and he felt her eyelashes tickling the skin of his neck. He pulled her a bit upward, their faces close now.   
  
"Hey."   
  
"Hey yourself."   
  
She cupped his chin and placed a kiss on his mouth, tender and dreamy.   
  
"That felt incredibly good."   
  
"I know." He felt her smiling against his mouth, and wondered if he sounded smug, but then she kissed him again, equally soft.   
  
"I love you, Quinn. Does that make it so good?"   
  
"I think so."   
  
They kissed again, playfully this time.   
  
"When we were so close before and you were so close to… I wouldn't have said no then..." Carrie whispered.   
  
"Did you want me to go further?"   
  
"Yes and no. No. Not today. But… if we both want it… some time soon… when nobody else is at home… we could… I think I'm ready."   
  
"Carrie."   
  
She snuggled in his arm, her hand splayed across his lower back, he couldn't even tell which legs were hers and which were his, and thought that this was exactly how it should be - and that nothing in the past mattered anymore.    
  
"You're speechless now?"   
  
"Kind of."   
  
"Good." She chuckled, and that made him smile too.   
  
"You are wonderful Carrie. What we had tonight… and what you just said… I am just very happy."   
  
"Me too. Very happy."   
  
They lay entwined, at some point she started lazily caressing his back and they both knew there was no point in trying to go to sleep now. It was perfect, for the first time in a long time his world was perfect.   
  
"You think it'll hurt?" her voice took him back from his dreamlike state.   
  
"I don't know," he decided for the most honest answer he could think of, "but I promise to be as careful as you need me to be. Hey," he shifted a bit to see her face in the dim light of her room and to cup her cheek, "we'll take our time. I promise to be careful and you tell me what feels good. I would hate to hurt you."   
  
"Maggie says it gets better after the first time."   
  
"She's probably right. But I'd rather have the first time be good for you too."   
  
That made her smile and earned him another kiss.   
  
"I think it will be. As long as you do some of what you did today."   
  
"So you're not afraid?"   
  
"No. A little nervous. In a good way. And it's… I mean, you know what to do … but I don't… so I guess… I'm just a bit nervous… but I want it."   
  
"Hey," he caressed her cheek with his thumb and made her look at him, "we'll take our time. We'll wait for a day when nobody's around. And it will be good."   
  
She saw the love in his eyes and thought he was probably right. They'd waited so long. And now they were finally together and could make plans.   
  
It was a relatively warm night, but he noticed her skin getting a little cold so he hauled the cover up and placed it around them, returning to hold her close as soon as he'd arranged the soft blanket.   
  
They didn't speak for a long while. There was no need too.    
  
Eventually Carrie went to the bathroom, trying not to wake up the sleeping household, and Quinn went soon after but returned to her room. She was in bed, wearing his shirt, and that made him smile.    
  
"You wanna keep that for tonight?"   
  
"I'd like to keep you."   
  
"I know. And I'd like to stay. But we should probably sleep."   
  
"Just a few more minutes."   
  
And so he lay next to her again and she curled up against him, searching and finding his hand.   
  
"What do you want to do tomorrow?"   
  
"Nothing special. Just spend some time alone with you. We can go to the park. But just you and me, right?"   
  
"Sure. So no more swimming pool?"   
  
She was teasing him now, a smile in her voice.    
  
"Or more swimming pool. Look how far that got me tonight. I am a fan of your local pool."   
  
She loved how easy it was between them, that good-hearted teasing and joking.   
  
"Let's just go to the park then. We still can go to the pool in the afternoon."   
  
"Carrie, there's something… I've been procrastinating… I should go to Baltimore for a day this week to pick up my belongings, there's still some stuff at the… where I lived last."   
  
"When were you supposed to go?"   
  
"No particular day. I forgot about it, actually."   
  
"I could come with you."   
  
"Not necessary."   
  
She didn't answer, and it took him a moment to realize that she wouldn't because she probably felt like she was being pushed away.   
  
"Carrie...?"   
  
"It's okay."   
  
"No. It's not. I'm sorry. I really am. I really haven’t even thought about it. And I think it's boring and-"   
  
"So it's not that you don't want me to see it?"   
  
"No. It's… I didn't want to think about it, yes. And I don't wanna go. But it's not that you can't know. I just didn't want you to feel like you have to come with just because I have to go."   
  
"Do you want to go alone?"   
  
He could kick himself for making her ask that question.   
  
"I don't wanna go at all. And I don't want to make you sad. I'm sorry. C'mere. It's just… Baltimore is not a fun topic for me."   
  
She gave in and let him pull her close to place a kiss on her forehead.   
  
"I know. Just - you wouldn't be imposing. You'd like me to come with you?"   
  
"It's a long way just to collect a bag and some papers."   
  
"We can spend a day there."   
  
"In Baltimore?"   
  
"Don't sound so incredulous. You don't have to show me anything.” Of course he'd feared that, and had no idea where to take her, "we can take one of those ferries and I can tell you how I fell in love with you during our Hong Kong ferry trip-"   
  
"You did? Which one?"   
  
"I'll tell you on the ferry."   
  
"That's blackmail,” but his voice was much softer now again.   
  
"And isn't there a beach nearby? We can go swimming there."   
  
Suddenly she made it sound like a plan, and he realized how the prospect of going back did not feel so unpleasant anymore.   
  
"Not in the city. It's a river there. But we could go to Sandy Point on the way back."   
  
"I've only been there in winter. For the holiday's lighting, lights on the bay."   
  
"I sometimes drove there… when I… borrowed a car."   
  
Carrie shifted herself out of his embrace to see his face.   
  
"Good memories?"   
  
"Good and bad."   
  
"You know you can tell me about those years if you want?"   
  
"I know. Not now, okay?"   
  
"Sure."   
  
She cupped his cheek and kissed him.   
  
"So that's our plan? Collecting your stuff, ferry, and beach?"   
  
"You’re the boss."   
  
"I don't want you to go alone."   
  
"Hey,” he placed his forehead against hers, "I'm sorry for being a jerk. And I'd like to go to the beach with you."   
  
"You weren't a jerk. Just a little stubborn."   
  
"A character trait completely unknown to you."   
  
"Yes,” but he heard her smiling, "completely. I guess we are quite a match, aren't we?"   
  
"We are."   
  
They lay in silence for a while, she was snuggled into his arm again and they both were close to drifting away into sleep. He wished he could just stay.   
  
"We should try to get some sleep."   
  
"I don't want to let you go."   
  
"Want me to stay until you sleep?"   
  
"Yes", she remembered their phone call last winter and knew he did too, "I want that."   
  
"Wake me up in the morning, okay? Just bang the door. We can be tired together."   
  
"Very romantic."   
  
"You think so?"   
  
"I do."   
  
She turned around and he spooned her from behind and knew she was asleep before he even had kissed her goodnight. He stayed for another fifteen minutes, enjoying her warmth and proximity, and sneaked out of her room at the break of dawn.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my lovely friends who encouraged me to finally go on with this story: HomemadeLemonade, Zeffy and Laure as well as Ascloseasthis and Leblanc who also edited this chapter.
> 
> Chapter 13 - in this AU a VERY lucky number - will come soon.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed a bit of soothing after watching 6.01... so I went into the teen AU... I hope you enjoy the read.

Their day in Baltimore was the last sunny day before a series of summer storms stretched along the Eastern seaboard.

Quinn had called the foster home to let the administration know he was coming on Tuesday, and they left early in the morning after having breakfast with Frank who was teaching summer school that week.

During his fatherly warnings about driving carefully, Quinn had noticed Carrie's impatient eyerolls behind her father's back. They left the city shortly after eight.

Quinn realized to his surprise that Carrie's good mood was rubbing off on him; she'd been humming while packing bags with towels, swimsuit, sunscreen and a picnic. He caught himself musing a bit too long about how it would feel to rub the lotion on her back while Frank was ranting about the ongoing baseball strike, apparently expecting Quinn to join him.

Last night he'd been to her room just for an hour - he wanted her to get enough sleep before the drive, but it had been a very pleasant hour.

So, life was good even with the short detour to his past, he decided.

Carrie's driving was careful but good and he decided not to comment on it, considering she was the one with the valid driver's license while he had yet to take care of that.

But Carrie being Carrie she caught him smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just in a good mood."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

He gently squeezed her knee for a short moment and then decided to let her focus on driving. She smiled and quickly squeezed his hand.

It was in that moment he decided to ask her to take a short detour later. But first they went to the northern suburb where his last foster home was located. The drive was smooth - it was after rush hour - and even if they hadn't talked much it had been a comfortable silence. They had that sometimes, those moments when simply being together was enough.

Quinn gave her directions around the city centre and when they entered the residential road a long stretch north of the town centre, Carrie gave him a quick look.

"You drove around here a lot," she stated quietly.

"I did."

"Is it here?"

"Down the road. The red brick house on the left."

She fell silent, parked the car about a hundred feet away from the entrance and only spoke again after she turned the ignition key.

"Do you want me to wait or to go with you?"

Quinn took a deep breath and looked at her, and she knew he wouldn't object, even if he probably preferred to go alone.

Cupping his cheek she tried to give him a reassuring smile.

"Maybe I'll just wait here for you."

His eyes told her she'd been right and it was okay. This was the past.

Quinn leant in to kiss her, a quick kiss, and with another deep sigh he was gone, the empty duffel bag they'd taken along in his right hand. She watched him closing the short distance to the entrance, his now so familiar tall figure climbing the stairs, hesitating a moment and then ringing the doorbell. She wondered what it had been like, living in that house as a foster child without any other place to go. Probably bad, really bad, considering the events which had brought him to Hong Kong. It made her heart ache to watch him walking up the path and squaring his shoulders after taking another deep breath before he stepped over the threshold and out of her sight. Suddenly she wished she'd gone with him.

She left the car and walked up to the neighboring house, deciding that this might be enough of a safe distance in order to respect his need for privacy but close enough to meet him halfway. She wanted him to know she was there, and that she didn't care about his past but accepted and loved him as the person he was.

He was back after about fifteen minutes, the bag in one hand and a small cardboard box in his other, stepping down the porch stairs without looking back.

So many years and so few belongings.

She took a few steps in his direction before he saw her and gave her a small and sad smile. Taking the box from him she stepped deliberately close to him, standing right in front of him, and when she looked up to him he leant in for a brief moment, brushing a finger over her knuckles.

"There you are."

"Yes. Here I am."

They put his duffle bag and the box into the trunk and Carrie was about to walk around to the driver’s side but Quinn took her hand and stopped her.

“I didn't know if - " but he interrupted her.

"I want a kiss." She got a half smile with that.

"C'mere."

She wound her arms around his waist and he rested his chin on the top of her head, relieved that he would never have to return here.

When she raised her head he looked at her for a moment before bending down and meeting her for a soft kiss.

"Better now?"

"Yeah. Let's go. I wanna show you something."

Shortly after they were back on a main road heading westward. Carrie had cast him a quizzical glance but followed his directions. Soon they were in a neighborhood with smaller houses, old but with small yards in front of the them.

Quinn made her stop in front of a green house.

She knew what it was before he spoke and she took his hand.

"Here? That's where you lived with your grandma?"

"Yes. The green house."

"Good memories."

"Yeah. I had a swing under that tree."

"And a dog."

"And a dog."

Squeezing his hand she looked at him, thinking how much she wanted to make it up to him.

"I wish I could have met her."

That put a smile on his face.

"She would have liked you. For many reasons. Making me a better man than my father is one of them."

"You always were a better man than your father. You know that."

Carrie bent over the middle console, glad when he met her halfway for a kiss. This time, her hand went to the back of his neck to gently pull him in just as he was about to break the kiss. He sighed and gave in, enjoying her proximity.

"Ferry now," he smiled when they finally parted a moment later, "so you can tell me when exactly you noticed me."

"Noticing you and falling in love with you are not the same."

"Well, then you've got two confessions to make."

She looked at him before she turned the ignition key and this time his smile revealed his dimples.

"Thank you for taking me here."

"Thank you for coming with me."

They didn't want to do any sightseeing so they just took the next ferry from Fell's Point and sat in the front, watching the city coming closer. His arm was around her shoulder and after a few minutes she turned her head towards him, her hand circling his neck as she kissed him, long and lingering.

Quinn was surprised. Usually Carrie wasn't a fan of displays of affection in public, secluded spots in the park being an exception, and this had never happened before.

"What did I do to earn that?" he smiled when they parted.

"Nothing. Just being you."

"Are you happy?"

"I am," she nodded and he thought he would do anything to make her happy. "I am very happy today. Is that horrible? I mean, I know it wasn't an easy morning for you and I-"

"Carrie," he interrupted and put his forehead against hers, "it's okay. I realized when I came back outside and you were there. It's the past. It's really over. And I was wrong when I didn’t want you to come with me - so thank you for coming."

"You're not alone anymore."

"No, I am not. I have you."

They kissed again and he wished they had a place where he could take her right now to be alone with her. He knew she wanted the same thing when she squeezed his hand.

When the ferry docked at Fell's Point neither of them wanted to get up so they just remained seated for another round trip.

Carrie stood up and leant against a pole and Quinn allowed himself to watch her, wondering how it was possible that she still had no idea how beautiful she was. He knew her routines now. She had her shower in the morning, brushed her teeth, and that was pretty much all the time she spent in front of a mirror. She was never indecisive about her choice of clothes, just took what was available, adjusted her ponytail and was ready for the day. And yet she was so incredibly beautiful. She was wearing a jean skirt today and a light blue tank top under a darker cardigan, her legs were tanned from the summer sun and he could spend all morning just watching her.

She turned while he was looking at her and caught his gaze, giving him a bright smile. She was really happy today and suddenly he was too. Her illness was often in the back of his mind but here, today, she was fine. So he got up and wound an arm around her shoulders to pull her against his chest.

She felt him placing a kiss on the top of her head and wondered why he was suddenly in such a good mood.

"You are okay now?" she asked.

"Actually I am," he replied.

They kept standing, he was behind her now and she leant against him, his left arm wrapping around her.

"Did you ever do this before? Spend a few hours on the ferry, just cruising the harbour on a beautiful day like this?"

"No, I didn't."

"Remember Hong Kong?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"Quinn, I liked you right from the beginning. But it was more when we were on the ferry back to Kowloon at night."

"Why?"

"The way you looked at me when I came back to meet you at the hotel. And that you asked me to go back to Kowloon in the first place. And how we could talk, about things that matter. All night long. That - and..."

"What, ‘and’?"

"You. You're eyes were too sad. I wanted to make you happy."

"Mission accomplished."

"Now you."

They nearly never spoke about Hong Kong, for reasons which were somehow obvious, but today he seemed to be okay with the topic.

"Carrie... where to start? That was rock bottom. Even for me. And then suddenly you were there. The nicest, smartest, most likeable person I'd ever met. Seeing me, listening to me, apparently liking me. At a point in my life which - wasn't good," his voice was low as his mouth was close to her ear, "so I was lost from the start. And that didn't change - sometimes I still just can't believe that you are mine."

She turned around to look at him and then went onto her tippy toes for a brief kiss.

"I love you, Quinn."

They stayed on the boat for another hour, just enjoying the breeze and the sunlight dancing over the water, and then disembarked back at Fell's Point.

It was a hot day and the beach would be crowded with people but Carrie insisted on going. They had sandwiches and soda on the way and suddenly it felt like they were just a young couple on a summer day trip, no baggage from the first stop of their trip, just untroubled happiness.

Carrie shimmied into her bikini behind the car, it was crowded - even the parking lots were overfilled - and she re-dressed then, and that modesty was cute, he thought.

They walked down the beach for a few minutes, away from kids building sand castles and playing ball, towards a calmer area where they settled with their bags.

Carrie wanted to go for a swim right away and so they ran into the waves a few moments later, Carrie teasing that he wouldn't catch her. The water was cold, this was the Atlantic, but refreshing and of course he caught her in no time, wrapping an arm around her and folding her in his arms.

It was their first proper kiss that day and they took their time. Nobody knew them here anyway so it didn't matter who might see them.

It was perfect. She was perfect. Her legs came round his waist as he stood in the water, holding her, one hand cupping her ass, the other arm clutching her to his chest while her hands roamed up and down his back.

He had no idea if it was the waves or if she deliberately rocked her hips against him a few times but it felt so good and if there were less people around...

She laughed against his mouth but kept kissing him and rocked her hips again. So it was her. He squeezed her ass in return.

"Just wait, Carrie.”

"For what?"

"Just wait and you'll see."

"What if I don't want to wait?” she replied with a smile.

That took him by surprise so he inquired carefully.

"I won't make you wait."

She finally broke the kiss and looked at him, her eyes twinkling.

"I know. But not in the car for the first time."

"Carrie, I wouldn't..."

"I know. But with my father teaching summer school now… I just wanted to tell you that I'm ready… so we could… when Maggie will be gone to check out the campus this week..."

"I love you, Carrie." He sought her mouth for another kiss and kept holding her tight, excited and aroused by her words.

They stayed in the water, splashing, swimming and chasing each other, until Carrie's lips turned bluish and she started to shiver.

It took her a while to warm up at the beach, wrapped into a large towel, but when she spread it out and stretched next to him he was finally able to massage sunscreen on her back.

She giggled when he opened the clasp of her bikini and giggled more when he bent down to whisper in her ear that he'd really like to turn her around now. But of course he re-tied it instead.

Later they lay lazily on their backs in the sun, their hands loosely entwined while Carrie fed him grapes every now and then.

After a while Carrie propped up on her elbow to look at him.

"You know, last year when we were in that plane back stateside - were you expecting this to happen? Us, a year later, here?"

  
"I was hoping to see you again. But I didn't expect you to wait for me. I mean, I had no idea what would be ahead of me and I wasn't the most stable bet but - I was hoping to see you again."

"I never had any doubts you would make it through Flintstone."

"I know. And that's probably a huge part of why I made it. Carrie, I never had much reason to plan or to look forward to anything, but since we met... suddenly I had a reason, the best reason to take that last chance that was offered and make it through that program."

"It was hard."

"It was. And without you, and without your dad... I don't know how I'd have made it then... But this morning when I went back in the foster home - I am so glad it’s not my life anymore. That I can make plans."

"What plans?"

"See you several times a week or more, finish school... find some work close to your college..." his hand came up to cup her cheek, "ask you to move in with me maybe one day..."

Seeing her lighting up and smiling was beautiful.

"And then we decide what happens next. I'm yours, Carrie, you won't get rid of me."

"Who says I want to get rid of you,” she murmured while placing a soft kiss on his mouth, "I'd like to keep you."

It was windy now, the temperature had dropped noticeably and the beach had emptied as more and more people gathered their belongings and proceeded to the parking lots behind the dunes.

But cuddled into his arms she didn't feel the cold and so they stayed until the first raindrops fell.

They ran back to the car as it started raining. Their car was the last one in the parking which had been overfilled just a few hours ago.

He was about to store their bags in the trunk, wondering why she didn't get herself inside and dry, but when he moved to passenger side, she smiled at him, shaking her head.

"Backseat?" she said meaningfully and climbed in herself.

There wasn't enough space and the seatbelt buckle pressed uncomfortably into his back but it didn't matter. Their legs and arms mingled while they shared suddenly urgent kisses. They tried to undress each other and were finally successful. He searched and found a large towel, placing it around Carrie's shoulders, as she straddled and kissed him, her mouth opening for him, their tongues touching and exploring.

Carrie sitting naked in his lap, pressed against him, was incredibly hot and the effect on him was obvious.

He pressed her close, his hands around her butt and they didn't stop that kiss.

"Carrie..." he muttered against her lips, "tell me, what we are doing here... because I can't guarantee... this is... you feel so good... this might go very fast..."

"First time no car sex. But anything else you want."

He felt himself rubbing along her soft skin, felt her getting wet and knew he would be there in no time. Holding Carrie naked in his arms, fondling her breasts, feeling her arousal, while being in the car's backseat was nearly enough on its own to make him finish too soon. And then she started to gently rock her hips and made those soft sighs he loved.

"Is that good for you too?" he asked.

He suddenly needed her to enjoy this as much as he did, he wanted so much for her, for them, and he wanted her to feel what he felt.

She stilled and looked at him, smiling.

"What do you think?"

"I hope yes."

"It is. Very good. Let's not stop."

And they didn't. Once more he was so close to her, knew it was just a matter of days now until he would hold her in his arms and be inside her, promised himself that he'd be slow and careful then, but this here in the backseat was hot and urgent and utterly exciting. She was rubbing herself against his length, moaning into his mouth and when he pressed her closer and joined her movements by canting his hips she broke the kiss and buried her face in the hollow between his neck and shoulder, nuzzling the smooth skin there and making a whimper which blew his mind.

Her movements were getting faster now, he panted in her ear, his breathing ragged, and when his hands went to her hips to support her there it was just a few more seconds and he felt her tensing, pressing against him and making those sounds he had been longing for. She was still trembling while the hand she'd slung around his neck came down and palmed him, pressing his hardon against her. And then she started rubbing him - and he was gone too.

He managed to grab an edge of the towel to prevent any mishaps on the seats which caused Carrie to breath a laugh while she was still encircling him with a gentle touch now while he saw stars.

They sat with their foreheads together now, both breathing heavily.

"C'mere... wait..." Quinn tried to fold his legs to one side and lower them together to lie on the seat but it wasn't easy. His legs were too long, his range was limited and he tried not to pull the towel away and expose her but after some back and forth he managed the task with a deep sigh. It wasn't comfortable, the buckle was still pressing into his hip but he was on his back, Carrie curled up on his chest, and it felt perfect anyway. She'd giggled when he'd sworn under his breath and had tried to help and finally she just kissed him, languorously, before nuzzling the skin under his earlobe while he held her tight.

The towel was spread over them like a blanket and his hands were beneath it, covering as much of her skin as he could.

He couldn't remember when he'd ever been so happy, not a single day in his whole life.

"Nice way to keep me warm," she whispered, a smile apparent in her voice.

"The best. I just learnt that."

"You never did that before?"

"In a car? No."

He knew she was pleased to hear this and he was glad he could give her that, knowing it was important to her, being his first in some ways at least.

You are the only person I have ever been in love with.

"We probably should find a place between Bethesda and Arlington soon. Ten more days and we'll do that drive often."

"Yeah. Way to kill a mood," but his voice was teasing.

"I'll miss you. And bedtime snuggling."

"Let's not talk about it yet. But I like the idea of doing this," he gently squeezed her ass, "again. So I'm all for finding a secluded parking spot."

"That was good, wasn't it?"

He closed his arms tighter again, relishing the sensation of her soft skin everywhere, pleased by how she molded into him.

"It blew my mind. You are feeling so... I can't even tell... good is not exactly the word."

"Same here."

She pushed herself up on her hands to look at him.

"We can do it again. That - and more."

They enjoyed a few more minutes of closeness, the rain still knocking a steady rhythm on the roof, before he reluctantly shifted and brought them both into a somewhat seated position after a long kiss.

He climbed out of the car as soon as he'd found his briefs, giving her the room to get dressed inside.

The air was fresh and clean now, the scent of the sea lingering, but there were still heavy clouds at the horizon. More rain, a thunderstorm maybe.

Carrie appeared next to him, dressed now, shivering a bit, so he put his arm around her shoulder.

"Let's go home. Your dad might file a missing persons report soon."

"No, he won't. I said we would get pizza on the way back. So as long as the last sandwiches are enough for dinner and you mention your tasty pizza when we're back home, we’re safe."

"I see. So you had a plan."

She softly chuckled and he knew she was proud of herself, and he couldn't see any harm in being seduced by Carrie.

"More or less. I thought we need some... practice."

"Oh, I like practicing with you. C'mere. I'm a rookie. I need lots of practice."

They kissed once more, then he opened the driver's door for her and she slipped inside.

Soon he was in the passenger seat and a good hour later they were back home.

That night he only slipped into her room for a few minutes, it was even before eleven, but he could see how tired she was and the fact that she was already in her pajamas was another indicator.

"Want me to just kiss you good-night or stay until you sleep?"

"Stay. I wish you could stay all night."

"I know. Me too."

He folded her in his arm, whispered "I love you" in her ear and a minute later she drifted off, feeling loved and cherished.

He stayed a few minutes longer before he reluctantly left her room, well aware that Frank was still awake and rummaging around downstairs.

\-------------------------

Wednesday brought more rain so they spent the day running some errands. They both had a list of things they needed for their new schools.

Frank was already home when they arrived, preparing a barbecue in the back porch, saying a few raindrops wouldn't kill his appetite for the ribs he'd been marinating since yesterday.

So Quinn joined him with two beers while Carrie helped Maggie prepare the side dishes.

Maggie took the chance to catch Carrie without Quinn for some inquisitorial questions because, unlike Frank, she'd noticed some nightly movement in the hallway every now and then.

But Carrie just smiled and looked very happy with her flushed cheeks.

"I won't tell Dad, no worries."

"Thanks Mags."

"Did you...?"

"Maggie!"

"And?"

"Nosey Nelly. No. Not yet. But... soon."

The rose stains on her cheeks were getting redder now.

"Oh Carrie. Don't feel shy. I told you everything."

"I'm not like you."

Maggie looked at her younger sister, then rounded the counter and gave her a tight hug.

"I know. I'm just happy for you. He's so in love with you. Is he making it good for you?"

"Maggie. I -"

Deep red now.

"So he is."

"Girls, food is coming. We probably better eat inside." Frank's voice spared Carrie from further inquiries and she quickly rushed towards the downstairs bathroom to wash her face with cool water after putting the potato salad and coleslaw on the table.

Quinn gave her a quizzical look when she came back but she just smiled and stole a secret glance towards Maggie.

The food was delicious and afterward they all followed Frank's request to have a movie night and watch The Godfather. Quinn had seen the third in the series but never the first two. The Mathisons had seen them many times. Apparently they were Frank's favourite movies and he took great pride in teaching his girls his taste when it came to art, at least that was what he explained to Quinn.

Carrie and Maggie shared a knowing smile as they watched the two men good-heartedly joking with each other, and Carrie felt a sudden rush of joy.

She and Quinn shared one couch and he was surprised when her hand sneaked into his at some point and she even leaned shyly against his arm.

Frank's attention was drawn to the screen anyway and Quinn doubted he would mind so he put his hand over hers and brushed her knuckles with his thumb every now and then.

Maggie would be leaving the next day for an open campus weekend and with Frank teaching Thursday and Friday there was a good chance that he and Carrie would finally have some time alone at home...

"Quinn?"

Maggie's voice.

"Huh?"

"Popcorn?"

"Yeah. Sure. Popcorn. Great."

Carrie gave him a quick side glance and he knew she knew about his musings when she gave his hand a squeeze.

That night she came to his room. They had kissed good night in her room, just a few precious minutes, around midnight while Frank had been in the bathroom and then he had gone to his room.

Now it was just after one and he woke up when Carrie slipped under his blanket.

"Hey."

His voice was sweetly sleepy and she curled herself up against him.

"Just a few minutes."

"Sure. C'mere. That's what I like, waking up with you in my bed."

"What you said yesterday... about moving in together in a few years... were you serious?"

"Yes. Of course."

"You want that? I mean you know what it can be like..."

"And we'll deal with it. If it ever happens again. That's why you couldn't sleep?"

He felt her shoulders shrugging.

"Hey. Carrie. There's nothing about you which isn't good enough for me. You are my home. You know that don't you?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She kissed him, long and lingering, but before he could think about making her stay she reluctantly moved away and got up.

"Good night, Quinn."

"Good night. Sleep well."

And then she was gone and he went back to sleep, still feeling her warmth on the mattress next to him.

\---------------------

The call came late the next morning. Maggie was entertaining some friends, three girls starting at Harvard and they would all go up there together later that day. They were making sandwiches in the kitchen. Quinn and Carrie were upstairs, reading books on Carrie's bed with the door demonstratively open, and honestly they were just waiting for the girls to leave so they would have the house to themselves until Frank came home early evening.

When the phone rang Carrie got up to take the call and was away longer than he'd expected.

When she came back she was in a hurry.

"We gotta go. The boat. The storm last night took the boat out on the lake. And the roof might have a hole."

She was already starting to throw some randomly picked clothes in a bag and Quinn had difficulty keeping track.

"What are you talking about? What boat?"

"The cabin. It's about three hours from here. There was a storm last night. Our roof needs to be fixed, there's more rain to come. And the boat."

"How do you know?"

"There's another cabin on the other side of the lake. George, our lake neighbor, is there. He checked and drove to a store to call."

"Can't he get the boat himself?"

"He's 74. His wife died last year. He'll sell his property soon."

"I see. So?"

"Bill's not around. Maggie's leaving for her trip. Dad can't go before tomorrow night. And won't be able to be there before dark anyway. So it's us. You do the roofing and I get the boat back. Hurry up."

That wasn't exactly what he'd been planning for the day but maybe it wasn't too bad after all.

"Where is it?"

"Pennsylvania. We can stop at Dad's school on the way, and then we need to get some shingles and should be there before five. Gives us four more hours of daylight to get things done."

He finally got it.

And we certainly won't return here for the night.

\---------------

Frank wasn't too pleased about the prospect of his daughter and Quinn going to the cabin all alone. Not exactly because of them but because of the cabin and the boat, both being equally important to him. Not being able to go now and fix what needed to be fixed made him fidgety and nervous.

Quinn had never seen him like this and watched with surprise how Carrie handled her father. There wasn't another word to describe it. How she made him sit down in the cafeteria, got lunch and drinks and - when he got too agitated - cut his sentence off by saying very calm but determined, "Dad, we'll handle it. How about you come Friday night and look for yourself? You can take Quinn fishing and then we can all go back Sunday together. We haven't been at the cabin for ages. I will even volunteer to clean your catch. In case there is any."

And with that it was set. Thirty hours for them alone. Frank joining them but not before Friday evening.

He caught her wrist when they were back at their car, making her stop and turn to face him.

"Hey. One second. C'mere."

She smiled, obviously proud with herself, expecting his kiss with a tilted head.

"So..." he muttered against her lips, "do you want me to get any precautions before we leave?"

"Oh. I am prepared."

"You are?" But he had prepared something else. A present for her. Later maybe. Or tomorrow.

"Yes. But... I'm still taking the pill. Let's get away from here. I can't have more of that conversation in my father's school parking lot."

But they kissed once more in the car. And again when they came back from the DIY supplies store, stocked with wooden shingles, a hammer, nails and some ropes as well as a role of tar paper.  
\-------------------------

They'd stopped once more on the way to buy some food as Carrie wasn't sure about how well stocked the cabin's pantry was. So it was nearly six when they arrived at the lake.

Quinn went up on the roof right away, hoping his task would be somehow self explanatory while Carrie changed into a swimsuit and a shirt and went to check for George and the boat with two of the ropes draped over her shoulders.

She called him to come back down and handed him the third rope.

"Tie yourself to the chimney flue. I don’t want to come back to find you down here with a broken leg or worse."

The weather was still ugly. Lots of wind, a soft constant rain drizzle and deep clouds.

But Quinn couldn't help but admire and enjoy the serene beauty and tranquility of the place. The cabin was alone at this side of the lake, the only other building was a small gazebo right at the waterline. And it was more like a small house than a cabin.

Wood-built, two small bedrooms, an open kitchen and a fireplace in the spacious main room which had a large window facing the lake.

He managed to fix the large hole in the roof and cleaned the water puddle in one of the bedrooms. Carrie wasn't back yet so he unpacked their light luggage from the car, before deciding it was cold enough to have a fire. Then he set the table in preparation for the the canned soup they would have for dinner.

Carrie was back shortly before nine, wet and cold but she had successfully secured the small motor boat to its home at the dock.

She got dressed and warmed up near the fire till the soup was ready.

Over dinner she told him some childhood memories, summer days spent here, remarkable catches, treasure hunts in the forests. He could see it was happy memories and he liked seeing her so content.

He collected their bowls and placed them in the sink. Before sitting down he stopped behind her chair, placing his hands on her shoulders, enjoying the moment when she slightly leant back and rested her head against his stomach.

His hand went up to her neck and he gently caressed the soft skin there before bending down and placing a kiss just below her ear.

Carrie's arm came up around his neck, he felt her hand in his hair, and she bent her head and offered him easier access to the lovely curve of her neck.

Her skin was so soft and she smelt and tasted so good. He kept kissing and nuzzling but carefully allowed his hand to slip further down, along her collarbone, her cleavage and into the neckline of her shirt, his fingers tracing her bra along the soft swelling of her breast.

This was perfect. A whole night with Carrie alone. No rush, no worrying about being overheard, no stealthy visits to her room in the dark, just being allowed to simply be with her.

They both knew it would happen tonight, had shared that secret knowledge all day, each gentle touch, each smile, each kiss and each glance towards the other had carried it. And it felt like an unexpected but very welcome reward for waiting so long.

So there were no words required when Carrie got up and turned around to meet him in a tight embrace and kissed him. He thought it was the right place to start. He considered how they'd begun their gentle exploring up at the stream near Flintstone, those rare precious early spring days when she was allowed to visit him, snuggling in his sleeping bag, and now they were here in a place which meant a lot to her and offered them solitude and tranquility.

It was a long kiss, they kept it going while shirts were untucked, buttons opened and hands wandered to find smooth naked skin. Finally he lifted Carrie up, her legs coming around his hips and carried her over to the couch.

"Wait. The bedrooms will be damp from the rain. It takes a day to warm the whole cabin."

"That's why I carried you to the couch."

He had noticed the uncomfortable coldness when cleaning the rooms earlier and as far as he was concerned he didn't want her to have to curl up under a blanket.

He lowered her onto the couch and sat next to her, searching her mouth for another kiss.

She laughed and stopped him.

"Maybe we should just get the mattress and bring it in here. It's warm. And we wouldn't have to freeze. And we would see the lake in the morning."

"That's a great idea."

Quinn went to get the mattress, Carrie followed and helped him. It was a narrow hallway and a queen size mattress but with turning it edgewise it worked. Then Carrie went back to collect a blanket and pillows and when she returned she unfolded a towel and put it on the mattress.

Quinn looked at her astonished but understood when she blushed. There was no washing machine at the cabin to clean the blankets.

"C'mere."

He stretched out on the mattress and pulled her into a tight embrace.

"We'll be careful," he whispered into her hair and felt her nodding.

She kissed him again, her mouth open now, her hands finding their way under his shirt and then further down into the back of his pants.

"I really want it," Carrie whispered, "we waited for so long. So it’s now."

"I love you Carrie."

"I love you too."

He would give her time. He'd thought about this for so long and so often and he wanted it to be good for her too. He knew she would let him take the lead, still thinking he knew more about it. But honestly he realized this was new for him too. Careful seduction, cherishing and pleasing each other with lots of time, tender exploring, feeling so wanted and loved and wanting to convey how much he loved her - all that was new to him too. And it felt so good.

He took his time undressing her. Most of their tender explorations of the last weeks had happened in the darkness of her bedroom so he enjoyed being able to see her. She smiled and looked at him too when she removed his clothes. When they were finally naked he turned her on her belly and traced the gentle curve of her spine with his hand, extending his tender strokes to her buttocks and then her thighs.

He saw goosebumps rising despite the warmth of the nearby fire.

"You like that?"

"Mmmmmmh."

"There's still so much I don't know about you, Carrie."

"There's a lot we didn't have enough time for."

"True. But that's different now."

He brought himself above her, she was beneath him and between his elbows and he placed a kiss on her shoulder and then one at the nape of her neck.

Apparently she liked this too, the soft sigh she made was good. And gently pressing himself against her beautiful round ass was good too.

"How about this?"

"Good too."

And then she wiggled her ass and it was his time to sigh.

"And how about this?"

"Carrie."

She giggled and turned which was... yeah... very good...

Soon he bent his head to place another kiss on her lips but then slipped further down, leaving a trail of kisses along her neck and collarbone, nuzzling and sucking the soft skin of her neck and finally reaching her breasts. Her nipples were already hard, it always amazed him that he could see and feel her arousal this way.

Soft laps with his tongue, he knew this was she liked best. When she moved to reach out for him he pulled back a bit.

"No. Not now. This is for you. Trust me with this."

"I do. I do trust you."

"I know. Carrie... I want this to be good for you too. I want you to enjoy this."

And I want to hear and feel you coming.

But he didn't say that, unsure how she'd feel if she knew how unbelievably hot this was for him, the sounds she made, the way she moved and arched her back when she was there, the moment when she tensed in his arms...

He sat up back on his heels and looked at her, her slender form on the mattress, the warm tone of her skin reflecting the firelight, how her eyes were closed, the perfect roundness of her breasts and her long legs and thinking how she'd open her legs for him soon was nearly too much.

"You are so beautiful Carrie. I could spend hours just looking at you."

She opened her eyes and looked at him but didn't answer. But her smile was enough of an answer.

Carrie was excited. A bit nervous even maybe. But when she opened her eyes and looked up to him all she saw in his eyes was longing and love, devotion even. He would make love to her now, very soon, and she knew it was the right moment. She knew she was ready. His smile made her heart nearly explode, how can I love him so much?

Quinn bent down again, his mouth and hands finding her breasts again, starting gently with soft strokes and tender licking. When he sensed her breathing accelerating he added a bit friction, gently kneading her breast now while sucking a nipple earning one of those whimpers. Sweetly encouraged he started lapping her nipple with his tongue and kneading the other breast with a firmer touch, pleased to find out how much she apparently liked this.

Again he felt Carrie's arm moving, her hand searching for contact and raised his head to look at her.

Her eyelids fluttered open and he saw the love in her eyes and thought he was the luckiest guy on earth.

"Hey. Feeling good?"

"Yes."

He gathered her in his arms, feeling her hands roaming up and down his back and gave himself up to the sensations and emotions that created, leant in to kiss her and used his hands to cup her ass and gently press her against him.

Soon she lay on top of him, he liked that a lot, he could stroke her back and ass, feel her light body and enjoy the shivers she created when moving her hips.

Their kisses were open mouthed now, their tongues touching and exploring, but still there was no urgency, no rush. They would take this slow.

After a while he gently lifted her and turned on his side, making her settle in the crook of his elbow, using his free hand to trace her curves.

Her eyes were closed and he watched her as his hand slipped between her legs, how beautiful she was, how her lips slightly parted, how she sighed when his fingers made contact with her entrance.

He alternately cupped and stroked her, gently dipped his finger in and moved it back and forth, feeling how she became more wet, how it got easier to move his finger a bit further, how she enjoyed it. She opened her legs further for him and her breathing became faster, she sighed his name and raised her hips, he kissed her, his finger went a bit deeper, and his thumb found the right spot, a soft circle, she shivered, another round, faster now, she pressed herself into his open palm, moaning his name again and he touched her again with his thumb and then he felt her trembling and her body tensing and they didn't break that kiss, she whispered his name into his mouth, he felt her around his finger, she whimpered and rocked her hips, his thumb pressed once more and her whole body jerked and then she relaxed in his arms.

He pressed her close, withdrawing his hand to hold her with both arms and she melted into him.

"Hey baby, it's okay. I got you. C'mere. I’ll hold you."

"I love you Quinn."

"I know. I love you too."

She stirred so he raised his head to look at her.

She met his gaze and there was a moment silence between them while she brushed her thumb along his lower lip.

"Now," Carrie whispered with a beautiful smile and rolled on her back pulling him with her.

Quinn noticed he had to steady his breath. She noticed too and smiled, cupping his cheek.

"I'm ready."

He stabilized his weight on his elbows, carefully balancing on one arm as his other hand went down to position himself at her entrance which was soft and wet now.

His eyes sought hers and he saw what he needed to see as he carefully moved forward, holding his breath for a few seconds.

She felt incredible. Snug and soft and warm. She closed her eyes and so did he but her hands were caressing his back and so he moved on a bit, biting his lower lip. Oh God, Carrie. He stilled but she seemed to be okay so he gave another gentle and slow movement, a bit deeper into her and felt her tensing so he stopped.

"You okay?"

"Just a second. I..."

He pulled back a bit and kissed her, trying not to move at all, and felt her relaxing again, so he kept softly kissing her, gentle and tender, giving her body time to adjust.

When he felt she was ready once more he slowly pushed again, his lips on hers, just making contact, feeling her breathing, and this time it was okay, she didn't wince and then he was all in, slowly exhaling a breath he hadn't even noticed he had been holding.

"You okay?" she echoed his earlier words.

Raising his head he looked down into her eyes, amazed by the love he felt for her.

"Okay is not exactly the word. But I feel very good. You?"

"It's not bad," she smiled, "new. Tight. But good."

"And this?" He carefully moved his hips, just the smallest possible range. God, she felt incredible.

"Yeah. That’s fine too."

"It'll be better next time. I promise."

When he felt her fingertips gently stroking his back he knew she was really okay and so he resumed moving at a very slow and careful rhythm, awed by how wonderful she felt.

It was incredible. He had to close his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers, gently moving his hips back and forth twice more.

Carrie held him in her arms now, he felt her warm breath against his chin and felt a promising tingle and tension building up at the base of his spine.

He held back, didn't move faster, just gentle and slow back and forth, feeling his heartbeat, a constant drumming in his ears, and then he let out a strangled moan. Carrie felt him tensing and tightened her arms around his shoulders.

She felt him warm inside her, it was a strange and unfamiliar sensation but she decided she liked it.

"Carrie... my Carrie..." his voice sounded strained and she didn't move, just waited, feeling the warmth spreading inside her and thinking how much she loved him.

Knowing that he was inside her made it even better.

He stilled, remaining on top of her, keeping most of his weight on his arms, slightly trembling now, and he felt her hands stroking his shoulders.

"Hey. You won't crush me. I'm fine."

And so he gave in, carefully lowering himself, burying his face in the curve of her neck for a moment.

Then he took a deep breath and brought one hand down between them to stabilize himself and pull out of her, a bit self-conscious when he felt how sticky and wet she was now.

She winced for a short moment and he wondered if he'd made her sore, if that was a bad thing and if he should have noticed sooner but then he felt a wave of bliss and happiness spreading in his chest and decided not to worry about something they both wanted so much.

So he discreetly wiped his hand at the towel under them and then rolled on his side, pulling her with him, clutching her to his chest and covering her mouth with a tentative kiss.

"You are so wonderful. So incredibly wonderful," he muttered, still enveloping her in his arms.

When she pulled back a bit he took a moment to look at her, seeing a beautiful smile when he brushed a thumb across her cheek.

"Hey. You feel okay? Did I hurt you?"

"It only hurt for a couple of seconds."

"I’m sorry. But..."

He kept caressing her cheek, feeling an aching tenderness for her which made him want to cradle and hold her all night long. She still smiled at him, sweetly and dreamily.

"I’m fine. Really. And you’re okay?"

"Wasn't that apparent?"

Now it was his turn to smile.

"It was wonderful," he whispered in her ear, "you feel incredible. And next time it'll be better for you too."

"It wasn't not good. I liked it. After..."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It was... it felt a bit tight in the beginning... but then it was... better. I liked having you so close," she finished, blushing.

"I liked that too. C'mere." He rolled on his back and pulled her on top of him.

He just held her close, feeling her ribcage moving when she breathed in and out, and hoping she knew what they’d just shared meant to him.

After a while Carrie sat up, gave him a sweet smile and excused herself for a moment, taking the towel with her. He used the time to put two more logs onto the fire.

Carrie was wearing a tanktop and underwear when she came back and so he slipped into his boxers before he went to the bathroom himself, gasping when he noticed there was a only cold water. He was used to it from his months outside in Flintstone but he could have prepared some warm water for her if he'd known.

Carrie was curled into a ball when he came back but when he lay behind her she turned and nestled herself up against him.

"Are you cold?" he asked.

"Yeah. A bit."

"You should have told me about the water. We could have warmed some."

"I forgot. I was too excited," she confessed. "I switched on the heater just now. There will be warm water in a few hours."

"I'll keep you warm til then."

"I know."

A thick blanket was around her shoulders and the fire was crackling with the added logs so the room was warm and cozy.

"Was it good for you, really, Quinn?"

"Are you kidding?" she knew he was serious when she heard his incredulous tone. He moved so he could see her. "It was... incredible... You felt so good... being inside you... so close to you... I couldn't make it last longer..."

"Does it feel different compared to when I touch you?" That was so very Carrie, her trademark curiosity.

"Yeah... Not that touching isn’t good too..." that made her breathe a laugh, "but what you just let me do... it feels different... and knowing that it's you and me and I was allowed to make love to you... that blew my mind..."

"When we do it next time I don't want you to make me... I mean not before... " she blushed so sweetly he thought he could eat her up, "I want to know how it feels without already having... I mean not that I'm complaining... that felt very good..."

"I know. It was... obvious," he smiled and got a broad beaming smile in return. It had been very good.

"I'm not complaining. Not at all. But I'd like to know how it feels when..."

"Hey. Anything you want. It's... I like that we can talk about this." That was true. He did like that a lot. "How did it feel for you? After it hurt."

"It was just... a short twinge. Not like... I mean Maggie told me it's not that bad... but the girls in my cross country team... they sometimes talk about these things and what they said... but maybe that wasn't even true..." Quinn figured he knew that kind of talk from the opposite point of view - from the bragging he had heard in locker rooms and dorms - and nodded to encourage her to go on. "So I didn't expect... at the very end it felt good... very good... like when you touch me there... for the last moments."

He felt so relieved and happy.

"Carrie... c'mere. I promise when we do it again it'll be more like that."

"I know. But it's good to talk about it, isn't it?"

"It is." Unfamiliar and strangely good.

They fell silent then, both overwhelmed with the events of the day, with what they'd shared and with the emotions they had. But it didn't matter. They had each other and would be able to hold each other all night which was the greatest gift of all.

Carrie fell asleep soon, but Quinn lay awake for some time longer, contemplating the fate which had brought him here, enjoying the utter contentment he felt and wondering when exactly he'd started to believe in a future, even to look forward to it.

He was no fool, there'd be bumps and repercussions on the way, for starters moving to the Taylors and starting in a new school wasn't exactly what he was looking forward to, but for the first time in his life he felt there was a future and a person - the person - to share that future with.

Carrie was snuggled against him and didn't stir and so he fell asleep without changing their position, just enjoying her proximity. At some point during the night he felt her turning and he spooned her from behind, going back to sleep right away with her warm body pressed into his.

\-----------------

Carrie woke up early, right at dawn. She lay facing the window and could see the beams of sun peaking through the clouds. It wasn't raining but there would probably be more rain later, given the heavy clouds which towered over the lake.

She felt Quinn against her back, one of his arms heavy around her ribcage and his breathing warming the nape of her neck.

She lay still for a few minutes, feeling and enjoying that he was there, with her. When she slid away he stirred, rolled on his tummy, but was still deep asleep. Carrie took a moment to watch him, feeling calm and happy.

His hair was a sweet sleep-induced mess, tousled and standing at ends and she wondered not for the first time if he knew how handsome he was.

She silently tiptoed to the small bathroom, there'd be warm water now, and took some time to carefully wash herself while having a shower. She felt herself smiling as she remembered the night.

Quinn was still asleep when she came back and so she decided to wake him with coffee.

He roused when she crossed the room with two steaming mugs a few minutes later, rubbing his face and hair.

"Good morning," she smiled.

"Seems to be a very good morning," he smiled back, sleepy and not fully there yet.

\-------------------

He had a quick shower and set up the fire again while she prepared some toast. They sat at the small bench next to the cabin's front door, looking down to the lake, sharing the last cup of coffee and munching on toast, his arm around her shoulder.

"Wanna go for a swim before the rain starts?” Carrie suggested.

"Sure."

"Who's first? C'mon."

And off she was with a head start, pulling her shirt over her head.

He laughed when he saw her wearing her bikini instead of underwear and went inside to get his trunks and towels.

Carrie was swimming on her back when he came back out and he hurried to close in on her. The water was refreshing but not too cold and they fooled around, splashing and dabbling, kissing and holding onto each other in between.

When it started raining again they ran back inside and were glad that there was already a crackling fire.

They looked at each other and she smiled and dropped her towel, standing in front of him just in her bikini before his arms went around her.

"I want to try it again," she whispered.

He quickly undressed both of them, kicking the wet heap of towels, bikini and trunks away as he lowered himself to the mattress and pulled her down with him.

Her skin was cold, soft and smooth and he took his time to make it good for her, caressed and fondled her, soft and firmer strokes, kissed and cherished her and explored her body anew.

After a while they lay entwined, Carrie had pulled him close, her legs were around him now, and he slowly started rubbing himself against her, remembering that she'd enjoyed that before. She met his careful movements and moaned into his mouth while their kisses became more heated and urgent and he felt her getting wet. The thought that it was for him, because of what they did together, was utterly arousing for him too. He felt he was nudging along her entrance, the tip of his cock sliding inside and then he stilled for a moment, waiting for her to adjust to the still new sensation.

Her eyes flew open and she looked at him, her eyes showing what he longed for.

His eyes locked with hers as he slowly pushed into her, carefully moving, and then stilled.

"I'm fine," she whispered, "no need to stop."

He moved again, his eyes not leaving her face, and after a moment she joined him in his careful movements. He knew it was good for her too when she sighed and pulled him in for a kiss.

Their movements gradually got a bit faster as their kiss deepened and their tongues met.

"Like this," she muttered against his lips and he tried to keep her there, feeling her breathing getting faster as they kept their gentle rhythm going.

He felt her wrapping her legs around his and broke the kiss to look at her again, seeing her eyes widening in surprise.

"That feels good for you? he whispered as he felt her hands holding onto his shoulders.

She canted her hips a bit further and nodded. And then did it again.

"Yeah... just a bit... more... faster..."

"God, Carrie... It won't take long now... I'm sorry..."

He knew it would happen soon and the way she sweetly gasped whenever they moved just made it better.

"You can go faster if you like that."

The thing was, he really wanted to go faster. But he wanted to make it last longer as well. And one was contradicting the other. And he didn't want to hurt her.

Carrie sensed his hesitation and the next moment he felt her hands down on his ass, gently adding pressure as she moved her hips again. He saw her biting her lower lip and closing her eyes with one of those small whimpers and finally took the cue, decision made, and moved a bit faster, feeling how his orgasm started its inevitable ascend. He wouldn't be able to stop this now and Carrie writhing and suspiring beneath him was the best encouragement.

He came with a groan when she canted her hips the next time, she felt it spreading inside her and saw him closing his eyes as he trembled and bent down to kiss her. She didn't want him to stop moving, it felt so good, but she knew he probably wouldn't be able to keep it going now.

But he didn't stop. Slower now again but still good, while kissing her.

"Carrie... I'm sorry... it was just too good..."

"I know... "

He came back on his elbows and she felt him pulling out of her.

"Carrie..." he rolled next to her and she felt his hand softly closing around her breast, caressing her nipple, "I want it to be good for you too."

And with that he pulled her into his arm and his hand slowly moved between her legs. His fingers found just the right spot and she felt the welcome tingling sensation building up again as he slowly lapped around her center.

Quinn sensed her shivering and made a few more small circles with two of his fingers and then she was there too, her breathing faster and irregular now, her hands in his hair, her mouth beneath his. He broke the kiss to look at her, he couldn't resist but suddenly wanted to see her.

Her eyes were closed but her lips were slightly parted and when he stroked her once more she shivered again and bit her lower lip. He loved to see her like this, going over the edge.

She opened her eyes that moment and he felt caught when she blushed and buried her face in his chest.

His arm went around her waist to hold her close and he whispered in her ear.

"Hey. I'm sorry. But you look so beautiful. I had to see you. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad. Just -" she muttered against his chest but he pulled back a bit to look at her.

She felt a bit embarrassed but the way he looked at her made her forget her irritation.

"Carrie," he cupped her cheek and simply stated, "I love you."

He gently pulled her into him, her head resting on his chest, his arm around her shoulder. Their hands lay with their fingers entwined on his abdomen and she listened to his heartbeat getting slower, steady and reassuring her of his presence.

"Carrie?"

"Hmmmm."

"You liked that?"

Carrie raised her head to look at him, her face framed by her mussed hair, her eyes beaming.

"You saw that."

"Yeah," he couldn't suppress the grin, "I did."

"Don't look so smug," but she was laughing and nudged an elbow playfully in his side, "I did. It - you - felt incredibly good. I liked it when it was faster. And it didn't hurt. The opposite..."

He'd noticed that and it made him happy beyond words that they could share theses things.

"I like that you tell me what you like. That we can talk about these things."

"Me too."

She curled up against him again and he stroked her back with slow and dreamy movements, both enjoying their proximity and the other's warmth.

Carrie dozed off after a while, he noticed her breathing evening out, but woke up when he tried to extricate himself.

"Sorry. Bathroom. Be back in a second."

"You better be. I need you here."

But she was sound asleep, wearing his shirt now, when he came back. So he dressed in boxers and another shirt, picked up a small item from his bag, added two logs to the fire and lay down next to her and spooned her from behind, enjoying the sweet bundle in his arms while dozing off himself.

It was nearly three when they woke up again, the rain again a constant pattern on the roof.

Carrie turned around to face him, witnessing how he came back from a very pleasant dream and rubbed his face.

"Can't remember when I ever slept in the afternoon."

"You were exhausted," her eyes twinkled and she had a teasing smile, "you know which day it is today?"

"I do," he stated quietly, "one year. The best year of my life."

"That goes for both of us."

"Carrie," he turned and nestled with something out of her sight, then turned back and took her hand. "I love you. And I want you to know that I'm with you now."

She looked down to their hands and watched him putting a simple narrow golden ring on her right ring finger and closing his hands around her hand.

She had no words. But her hand on top of his hands and her kiss were all the answer he'd been hoping for. It was a promise. Not more and nothing less.

They reluctantly got up soon after and restored the original arrangements of the bedroom and got showered and finally dressed. Frank would arrive in the early evening and they were both eager to keep their secrets.

Feeling hungry Carrie suggested they drive to the general store in the next village and get some supplies for dinner, she didn't feel like another canned soup would be a satisfying meal.

They weren't there when Frank arrived. He hadn't been sure what to expect and had contemplated during the drive how to react if he found them in a distinct situation but was relieved when he found the cabin neat and tidy, washed coffee cups drying next to the sink, the cabin warm and enough logs stacked next to the fireplace to keep the fire going all day. The boat was tied to the small jetty with two ropes and when he climbed the roof he saw a freshly repaired hole. Checking the bedrooms, Frank not only saw that they were dry and the roof was leak-proof again but also two bags in one room. Of course. He couldn't help it but had to smile. Well, it was about a year now and he'd allowed Bill to stay over when Maggie had been around sixteen too.

He heard a car and watched them arriving through the window. Quinn said something while Carrie was sorting the bags in the trunk, and she looked at him. Frank could see her smiling, and throw an apple in his direction, aiming for his head. Quinn caught it and closed the distance to Carrie, kissed her forehead and took the two bags from her to carry inside. It was a sweet scene, so normal and... healthy and it filled Frank's heart with joy to see them so at ease and happy with each other. Silently be congratulated himself for having done some things right over the past year.

They had pasta with tomato sauce and salad for dinner, followed by baked apples which they roasted in the fire, and played two rounds of Trivial Pursuit and then called it a day.

Quinn was outside to collect more logs when Frank asked Carrie if she wanted him to take the couch - but with a smile.

"Dad..."

"Yes, dear?"

"It's been a year now. I think Quinn and I... we should be allowed to share a room now... not every night, I get that, but at least here."

"I was just teasing you, honey. Allow your old father some fun in his late days. He makes you very happy, hmm?"

His youngest had her arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly.

"He does, Dad. Thank you."

Quinn came back a second later, sensing there had been a father-daughter exchange because Frank patted his shoulder, said, "good-night you two" and went into one of the bedrooms.

"You asked him?"

"I did. You are officially allowed to spend nights in my room now. Here."

Quinn quickly secured the fire for the night and then they retreated to their bedroom, kissing as soon as the door was closed behind them.

Nothing else happened that night between them, they just snuggled under their blanket, holding each other, sharing some kisses, whispering a few sentences of love and affection and finally falling asleep, wrapped around each other, searching and finding each other while the rain lulled them into a deep and calm sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it was worth the wait.
> 
> I think these two would say yes.
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter wouldn't exist without the lovely encouragement of my dear fanfic friends, thoughtful exchanges with these friends and the support of my great editor Leblanc who gently directs me through the troubles writing in English has for a non-native, especially when it's about delicate matters like here in this chapter.
> 
> Favorite moment in our exchange this time was when I said "My AU is too crowded. I don't know how to get rid of all these secondary characters to give them some peace to finally do it."
> 
> The boat/cabin emergency was her idea then.
> 
> But first and foremost this story would not exist without HomemadeLemonade's Two of a Kind and our exchanges about our writing.
> 
> It's great how writing makes us form friendships!
> 
> So thank you girls!
> 
> P.S.: Don't worry - Brody will never happen in this AU. The cabin is their sacred place.
> 
> As always thoughts and comments are appreciated.
> 
>  
> 
> And finally:
> 
> Famous Laure, famous Zeffy and I are hosting a Homeland Community on LiveJournal:
> 
> http://homelandstuff.livejournal.com/
> 
> You'll meet plenty smart women there, a lot of them fic writers, many devoted fans, all passionate CQ shippers but with a wide range of views and opinions about the show and its characters.
> 
> We have great discussions there and everybody is welcome to join (you even can join as anon).
> 
> And: As a non digital native even I finally started to use tumblr - I am frangipaniflower001 over there.


	14. Chapter 14

It was just a few weeks until Christmas and it would be their first Christmas with Quinn. And there first Christmas as grandparents, little baby Laura was almost five months now and they'd all be home for the holidays.

Audrey was looking forward to it, it was rare that all children were under one roof.

Quinn was living with them for almost four months now and it wasn't always easy. He was trying to adapt, she could see that, sometimes even too much, but he was still very silent and withdrawn. He didn't violate any rules but there were days when she wondered if he'd ever open up or if it was just too late for him.

But on other days they got a rare glimpse on how it could be. Mostly when Carrie was around but sometimes it happened when she wasn't there too. Once he'd told her about his grandmother and she'd been grateful for that moment of growing trust. He never mentioned his parents although there had been some information for her and Robert in his paperwork and the talks with his case worker.

But she saw him working hard for school and he was making progress. Still a bit behind and almost two years older than most children in his class but determined to catch up.

Two afternoons a week he was working at a local filling station. They'd given him their permission as long as there were no problems at school.

He did a lot of sports. At school where he'd joined the JROTC and during the weekends, often with Andrew. Quite often she found him in the kitchen when she come downstairs in the mornings and he had already been out for a run, had had his shower and was reading the newspapers, the table already set and the coffee brewed.

And he liked reading. Robert and he had formed the habit to sit together in the reading room several nights a week and to read there for an hour or two. Sometimes they discussed their books, sometimes they didn't but just sat in silence. She and Quinn sometimes played chess and they watched the news together nearly every night.

She wasn't expecting him to feel any family ties yet, maybe never, but overall they were doing good, she thought as she prepared dinner.

Quinn saw Carrie usually two evenings a week. He had a driver's licence now and was allowed to drive Robert's and her cars so he was either going to the Mathison's house or Carrie came over or they were out together. Usually he spent one day during the weekend with Carrie at the Matthison's, spending the night there too.

Frank had advocated for this and although she wasn't still completely on board with it she saw how he was glowing when Carrie came or he came home from seeing her.

The evenings Carrie was having dinner with them were Quinn's most talkative nights and she felt touched when she saw how affectionately he looked at his girlfriend. He was madly in love and as far as she could see Carrie too and they were cherishing the time with each other.

After his first week he'd asked if he was allowed to use the phone to call her and it had made her heart bleed that it had taken him a week to phrase that ask.

Sometimes Audrey wished she could just hug him and tell him he was welcome and wanted and should allow himself to be loved but that wasn't how he was, she got that.

But over the weeks and months they'd developed some first routines and a careful understanding about how living together might work.

Over the last few weeks she'd noticed him telling more and more about school. And every now and then he mentioned an event from his past, never his parents though, but slowly they got a picture.

Once he'd told her from the months in Flintstone as he had asked for the permission to go a day to Baltimore to meet a boy he'd met there.

Apparently that Rob had been his only friend there and she'd felt a pang of sadness feeling the loneliness when Quinn spoke about those months.

She understood that his strong bond with Carrie had been created during those months, she'd been his anchor and his reason to succeed.

And it probably worked both ways, she knew Quinn had visited Carrie at the hospital and when she'd to adjust her medication in November he'd been very worried.

She'd asked him one night if he wanted to talk about it.

"I don't know. It's not... she should decide that."

"That's not what I meant. I understand that you won't talk about her private stuff. But maybe about how you feel."

"How would I feel?"

"Worried. Sad."

His eyes had been dark when he'd phrased his answer.

"Alone."

She'd squeezed his shoulder and after he'd stiffened for a second she'd been surprised that he had remained seated.

"I think it's different now for her as you are so close by. Easier."

"I hope so."

\-------------------------

It was easier. But autumn and winter were difficult for Carrie's condition. She had to adjust her antidepressants which made her feel exhausted and tired for a few days but she was far from being hospitalized.

It had been challenging to get used to seeing each other not everyday anymore. But as the new school year started they were both very busy and seeing each other two or three days was all they could afford with school, their jobs and their sports teams.

Finding time for being together was yet another challenge, especially when the evenings got colder and the days shorter.

Sometimes they spent an hour or two in the car, once or twice even longer, pretending to be out to watch a movie, but mostly it happened in Carrie's room. Of course during the one night he spent there every weekend but when they were lucky and Frank had a conference, saw a game or met with colleagues they got an extra afternoon for some precious time.

The nights they had together were even better though. Of course they had to be careful to be silent then. But being allowed to fall asleep together and spend all night and morning together was great. Sometimes they woke up at the middle of the night again because one of them turned or kicked or maybe had a dream. Holding Carrie in the darkness of her bedroom, feeling her warm body pressed against his and slowly and wordlessly undressing her in that warm cocoon of their blankets - these were his favorite nights. He knew she loved their nightly love making too, she'd told him.

They were still exploring, discovering what they liked best and in awe about how they could please and cherish each other. One night he woke up at around 4am, spooning Carrie from behind, feeling how he was half hard against her ass. So his hand ventured on, slowly sneaking under her shirt, finding warm and soft skin. He knew she woke up when she gently pushed back with her ass against his crotch. He kissed her neck, her hair tickled his nose, and gently nibbled the soft skin there while pushing her pj bottoms down, noticing that she untangled her feet from it to kick it away. So he let go of her for a short moment to get rid of his boxers while she got rid of her shirt but then was back enveloping her from behind, enjoying the friction of her gorgeous ass against himself now.

When his hand went down to caress her thighs he was surprised by her soft moan and her hand closing around his wrist guiding him between her legs. She shifted her legs a bit to give him access and he was mesmerized by the soft wetness he found there. They'd never tried it like this but maybe...

He shifted a bit, his hand cupping her, starting gentle movements as she wiggled her ass a little to please him.

"Let's try it like this," he whispered in her ear and she breathed a laugh as his hands went around her hips to move her a little upwards for better access.

It took them a few moments to find the right angle but finally he was able to slowly enter her.

He stilled for a moment when he was inside her, gently stroking along her shoulder, her nape and her jawline.

"What do you think?," he whispered.

"Feels good. Very good," was Carrie's soft-spoken response while she reached back and her hand came round his neck into his hair.

She slowly started rocking her hips and he joined her movements, holding her in a close embrace, her back pressed against his chest.

It felt different. Feeling him behind her, his warmth all along her back, his arm around her, and feeling him inside her at the same time made her feel snug, yet it was new and exciting and she felt herself getting there faster.

She knew Quinn sensed it too when his hand went around her breast, his thumb brushing over her nipple and then he was gently kneading it the way she liked most. She felt him panting in her ear, trying to hold his breath and keep it silent and she felt her own heartbeat drumming in her ears.

She moved faster and he took the cue and followed her lead by pushing a little faster, his mind blown by both her soft sighs as well as his own sensations.

His hand drifted south, following the curve of her waist and hip, finding its way between her legs.

She gasped when he touched her and arched her neck backwards so her head was pressed into his shoulder and he could kiss her earlobe and cheek.

Usually this was how he brought her there after he'd come inside her but maybe...

"Don't stop," she whispered, "please don't stop."

He knew the sounds she made, he knew how she writhed and shivered when she was there but being inside her as it happened and feeling her around him was new and took him there too in mere seconds.

She felt him inside her as well as his hand giving her pleasure while his whole body was sheltering her. It was heartbreakingly good and she held her breath while the surges were slowly ebbing away. His hand was around her hips now, pulling her close once more as he breathed a moan in her ear, followed by a deep sigh.

"Carrie...," and then nothing because he had no words. So his hand trailed upwards, stroking her shoulder and collarbone, he knew she liked those tender caresses afterwards. Her hand was still around his neck and she squeezed him for a short moment when he pulled back and out.

Carrie wiggled and so he loosened his embrace to release her. When she turned and they lay facing each other he sensed a smile in the dawn of her bedroom.

"Hey. C'mere you."

She curled into his arms and kissed him, a tender kiss, before she settled with her hand on his back.

It was the first time that she fell asleep again naked, just a few minutes later, and he was careful not to wake her up again, relishing the feeling of her warm body next to him for the few remaining hours of the night.

\-----------------

Quite often he brought his books and schoolwork along and they did their homework together after breakfast. He knew he should probably spent more time at home during the weekends, Audrey never said something, but sometimes he thought she would enjoy more time as a, well what? Family?

And it wasn't too bad. They were nice people. His life was much better now as in any foster home. Yet he felt better at the Mathisons. Not just because of Carrie, overall it was easier to interact with Frank and Maggie who was only around for a weekend a month anyway now than being part of the Taylor family.

Carrie gently pressured him to talk about it every now and then, but it wasn't his favorite topic. But yet he had to admit that he had settled in and, for the first time ever, came to believe that he might have a place where he could stay.

Robert was a bit more distanced as Audrey but he liked talking about books and politics with him. And with him he could just sit in the reading room in silence without feeling awkward or like being expected to say something.

Audrey was the talker. Carrie said she was caring and he sensed the sadness behind her words, her mom hadn't been caring but had left after all. But it often felt like Audrey was expecting something he couldn't offer and he didn't like that feeling. Although he had to admit that whenever he wanted to talk about something she was there and listened.

She was more generous when it came to rules and permissions. But she monitored him more closely. Robert never asked about what happened before. Audrey did.

But with the weeks and months passing Quinn noticed that talking about Flintstone or the foster home, albeit still not his favorite topics, was okay every now and then.

And now it would be Christmas soon. It didn't mean so much to him but he understood that every other person around him was looking forward to it. The Taylor house would be full of people, all kids coming home, Rebecca bringing her husband and baby along. It felt a bit awkward but Andrew said it would be fun, lots of food, boardgames, silly traditions, Audrey getting sentimental, but fun. Quinn wondered when he'd be able to see Carrie.

He knew Christmas meant a lot to her and her family but missing Christmas Day in his new home wasn't probably an idea which would be well received.

But Frank helped him by asking him to join them for midnight mass. He placed the ask during the annual pre Christmas dinner the families had together and spared him to have to ask Robert and Ashley himself.

Audrey noticed Quinn hesitating and flashing a glance in her direction and then looking towards Carrie and back to her. It filled her heart with joy that he apparently didn't want to antagonize their Christmas plans but it was clear what he wanted. So she looked at Robert who gave a small nod.

"That's a nice idea. How about you pick Carrie, Maggie and Frank up and take them to church? I bet Frank wouldn't mind to be allowed to have a glass of wine during his Christmas dinner when you do the driving."

"Excellent idea," Frank smiled, well aware of his younger daughter's beaming smile, feeling like a matchmaker for those two. He'd never commented on the golden band on Carrie's ring finger but of course had seen it. Well, Maggie was with Bill for years now so if Carrie chose to be as committed as her sister he wouldn't question her choices, Quinn was a decent guy.

\-----------------

Audrey loved Christmas. It had always been a very special time in her childhood home and she had cherished memories of many Christmas Days with Robert and their growing family.

And now it was one of the few occasions each year when all kids came back home.

But she knew that Quinn had none of those memories and it make her heart ache for the silent boy when she imagined what he'd been through over the past decade - and what fate simply had not given him. She knew she wouldn't be able to make up for that, bonding and trust issues usually had their foundation in early childhood, but Andrew was the living and walking proof for what could be achieved in a loving home.

So she pampered Quinn. Much to Robert's amusement. But as the boy never asked for anything she took the cues she had, noticed which meals he liked and cooked them again, got an advent calendar with chocolate for him and started the habit of replacing the nightly cup of tea by hot chocolate. She had noticed he liked it and so did Robert who gently teased her that she was going to fatten them all up if that habit would go on after Christmas.

She gently reminded him that Quinn was going for a run every morning and that he was free to join.

\---------------

Carrie laughed when he told her.

"Hot chocolate _every_ night?"

"Yeah. What's wrong about that?"

"Nothing. She's spoiling you. That's what moms do... should do..."

"Hey... Sorry..."

"No, Quinn, it's okay, really."

They were in the library's cafeteria catching up on a Thursday afternoon as they had not seen each other since Sunday. They had planned to meet Tuesday afternoon but Quinn had canceled because he'd had a meeting for a paper he had to do before Christmas with three classmates for history class. He usually never canceled time with Carrie but it had happened three or four times now. School and his job were a lot. Carrie hadn't complained yet but he didn't like missing time with her so seeing her today to tell her he'd missed her was important to him.

Carrie had to do some research for an essay and so he'd joined her after JROTC class, first aid training this afternoon.

She'd watched him through the window, feeling the now familiar butterflies in her stomach when she saw him crossing the square with long steps, in his darkblue winter parka, his hair unruly as usual.

He'd briefly kissed her cheek before he put his coat away and got them drinks, his mouth felt cold, it had been snowing for a few days now.

He came back with two cups with hot chocolate and that was what had started their conversation.

"She just tries to be nice."

"She _is_ nice."

"Yeah."

"Don't be so stubborn. She actually is nice. There's nothing not nice about her. And now she started pampering you. Hot chocolate every night for a nineteen year old."

Her eyes twinkled and he was glad that they'd left the dangerous mother-topic for a much lighter tone.

"Robert says she'll fatten us all up."

"So, he gets a cup too?," Carrie asked.

"Yes."

"That's kinda sweet. I mean they are married for how long? Maybe 35 years? And he still gets a nightcap each night."

"I think they're doing good. They know each other very well. All their routines and flaws."

"You like them, don't you?"

Quinn hesitated for a moment but then gave a small nod.

"It's better than all the places I was before."

Carrie reached over the table and put her hand on his and smiled, then raised her cup in a mockery of a toast.

"So here's to Robert and Audrey."

Quinn smiled and tipped his mug against hers.

"What do you want to do this weekend?," he asked when they'd emptied them.

"You're coming Saturday evening?"

"Yeah. My shift finishes at six."

"So you'll be there for dinner. Good. Dad will like that. Going for a movie maybe afterwards?"

"As long as it's not Brad Pitt."

Her eyes twinkled again.

"Legends of fall. Why not?"

"You like long blond hair? I'm sorry."

But he smiled and so did she.

"Nah. I'm more for dark and short and unruly. I was thinking Interview with a Vampire or Star Trek."

"Your choice", because he didn't really care, "but how about driving to Sand's point on Sunday? A winter walk at the beach."

She smiled, he knew she remembered their summer outing to Baltimore and Sand's point and smiled back.

"So that's a plan now?"

"It is. Let me see what books you borrowed."

They still went on with their habit of reading together and for each other and so Carrie pushed a couple of books over the table and finished her hot chocolate while he was checking what she'd chosen.

"I'll be back in a second", Carrie said and got up to go towards the bathroom.

"Mmhmm", was the all the answer she got and a distracted smile before he went back to look through the books.

When she came back she saw a tall dark haired girl approaching their table. Carrie had never seen her before.

"Quinn. There you are."

"Yeah."

Carrie saw the girl squeezing his shoulder and sitting down next to him. He looked distracted for a moment but then put the book he'd been holding away and turned his attention towards the girl who gave him a broad smile.

"You left so quickly after class this afternoon so you missed that we scheduled an extra meeting for Sunday."

Sunday, he thought.

"I don't... I need to check if I can make it Sunday."

 _He's not saying he can't do anything Sunday,_ Carrie felt suddenly cold.

"Oh c'mon Quinn, it's the only day all of us can make. And we really have to finish soon."

"Yeah..."

_Where is Carrie? She's away long._

"I saw you sitting here with a girl. Is she your sister? You never tell us anything about you. So... what are your secrets?"

 _Another smile, flirty, sister. That's why he cancelled so often last minute_ \- Carrie couldn't remember how she'd gotten her coat and had made her way outside but suddenly she found herself on her bike cycling home. It was to cold and the street was slippery, she'd planned to toss it in the back of Robert's truck so Quinn could drive her home but now... she felt tears welling up and was angry with herself.

_He didn't say anything. He didn't even correct her or look for me. He never mentioned me._

\----------------

Quinn was glad when Hannah left, saying she had to be home for dinner and pick up her brother on the way.  
He checked the reading room and the cloakroom when the library was about to close but Carrie was nowhere. He was sure she'd just gone to the bathroom but maybe he'd missed her saying anything else. Hannah had distracted him. Hannah and her curious questions about his family and where he was from. She did that at school too.

He was sure Carrie's bike had been locked outside when he'd arrived about an hour ago but now it was gone.

_So she has left._

The wheather was ugly and he wondered why she hadn't asked him to drive her home as he drove over to the residential street where she lived.

\----------------------

Frank wasn't home when Carrie arrived. So she went upstairs right away, rolled up in a ball on her bed and let the tears flow.

She didn't switch the lights on and lay in the dark.

Frank came home a little later, wondering if Carrie might be home and if Quinn would be around. Those two had not much time to spend together anymore and lately the boy had cancelled some of their dates. Carrie took it with silent disappointment and Frank hoped it were really just his homework and job being both time consuming.

He found the house dark and reckoned them to be at the movies or maybe having dinner somewhere together or spending time at the Taylors' house.

So when the doorbell rang and it was Quinn outside he was surprised.

"Is Carrie here?"

"I thought she's with you?"

"She was. But we... missed each other when we left the library."

"I didn't see her and the house was dark but...", Frank broke off, clearly irritated, "well, let's check upstairs before we worry."

Carrie had heard the doorbell and the voices, well aware that her father wouldn't send Quinn away. So she jumped out of her bed, switched the lights on, opened one of the books on her desk and slipped into the bathroom right before Quinn came upstairs.

She heard him knocking at her door and saying her name and then opening the door as she turned on the cold water faucet.

"Frank, she's here."

"Oh good. How did I miss that? Hi honey," she heard her father's voice while she washed her face with cold water.

Quinn stood in the middle of her room when she came back.

"Carrie. Where were you? I was worried. Why did you leave?"

She couldn't have this conversation now, she just couldn't.

"Same goes for you. I said I'd wait outside", which was a lie, "but then you didn't come. So I checked back inside but didn't see you. So I thought you had left."

"I was probably in the reading hall then, looking for you. So we just missed each other? Are you alright?"

That had almost been too easy, she thought.

"Yeah. Tired. I'll go too bed early."

He knew something was wrong, he just had no idea what it could be. He felt tired too, he had a lot going on and had been looking forward to seeing Carrie all week. But now she seemed distant and withdrawn, except the kiss on her cheek he hadn't even touched or kissed her today.

"Can we sit for a second?"

"You have time?"

"I'll call and say I won't be there for dinner."

Finally he kicked is shoes away and undressed from his winter parka while Carrie was still standing in the middle of her room.

He stepped close and wrapped his arms around her, noticing that she was tense.

"Hey. C'mere. Are you mad at me because I cancelled our time on Tuesday? I'm sorry. How long til dinner? Think I can have dinner with you guys?"

"Yeah. It's just sandwichs though I guess."

He called Audrey to let her know he'd be late and knew she wouldn't be a fan but this here was more important to him.

Finally they sat on Carrie's bed together but Carrie was still tense and not her usual self.

He took her hand in his, noticing it was cold, and looked at her.

"I'm sorry, Carrie. I know I cancelled too often. I'm truly sorry. It's just... there's so much going on and I'm still behind in a lot of subjects... I'll try to organize myself better to see you more often okay?"

Carrie wanted to believe him, and she felt a bit stupid for running away earlier. But there was a gnawing feeling of insecurity. He'd never mentioned that girl although she seemed to be very familiar with him. But apparently he had mentioned a sister to her. And he hadn't corrected her nor had he looked for her as long as he'd been busy talking with that girl. The girl was beautiful. Long chestnut hair, a beautiful face, and she had smiled a lot and made jokes.

Carrie felt stupid and lost and suddenly wished she were alone and hadn't to think about it but could just curl under her blanket.

And at the same time she wished Quinn would say something to make it better and would take her in his arms and tell her she was stupid and she was the only one.

But he didn't. He just held her hand and looked at her, doubtful, expectantly even, and she didn't know what he was waiting for.

Her Dad released her by calling them to dinner.

Quinn came with her back upstairs after dinner, saying he couldn't stay too long as he still had to do some homework and didn't wanna upset Audrey and Robert, he'd said he would be home by nine.

She had just closed the door when she felt his arms around her shoulders.

"Hey, are you really alright? I'm worried. You were very silent over dinner."

"Just tired."

He walked her to her bed and lowered them both onto the cover, searching her mouth for a kiss.

"I didn't even get one of these today," he muttered against her mouth before she felt his tongue gently parting her lips.

She hesitated for a moment, long enough to make him pull back and look at her quizzically, but being close to him was what she needed and wanted now she decided as she closed the short distance to his mouth and reciprocated his kiss.

Quinn was relieved and let himself fall into her embrace and her kiss.

Usually they were careful when Frank was at home and awake but there wasn't much time now left until he had to leave so when they kept that kiss going and he felt her hands roaming over his back, searching and finding naked skin under his shirt, he quickly got up again and locked the door.

"We have an hour left", he said, not sure where they were heading now.

"Come back here."

Their kisses were urgent now, he was surprised and found it difficult to keep up with her mood swings today but this here now was good.

She surprised him again when she started undressing, tugging at his shirt and unbuckling his belt.

"Jeez, Carrie, wait. Are you sure? I really have to be home in time", he warned her, while nuzzling the soft skin of her neck.

"You don't want it?"

_You don't want me?_

"Carrie, of course I want. I just don't want to leave so soon after we made love."

"So no love making this week?"

"No, love making right now if it's what you want," he sighed while kissing her neck, "Just know that I need to leave in time."

"Then better let's get started."

It was the first real smile he got that evening and he still wondered how they'd gotten from sharing hot chocolate to the rest of the evening including her strange disappearing but her hands in the back of his boxers were very convincing.

Soon there clothes were in a heap next to Carrie's bed and his hands were mapping her body, so familiar now and yet so exciting each and every time.

He was longing for her, and longing to spend the night with her, to sleep in her arms and feel her all night but that had to wait til Saturday, right now they only had that one hour.

"Turn around," he whispered, enveloping her in his arm and placing  
a kiss on her shoulder.

She did and he felt her pressed against him, her silky hair tickling his neck while his free hand roamed over her body and he pressed himself against the soft flesh of her buttocks.

Soon his hand wandered between her legs, cupping and stroking her, and when he found her ready he whispered in her ear again, holding her tight.

"I'd like to do it like this again. That was good, wasn't it?"

She shifted her legs as answer to give him more room and sighed and looped her arm back around his neck when he carefully moved into her.

For a precious moment she forgot her gnawing feelings and fear and it was just him and her, making love and cherishing the precious time they had together.

His hand was on her hip now, slowly pressing her into his body and then went between her legs again.

"You like this? Tell me what to do."

"This. Like this. A bit faster."

She felt his mouth below her earlobe, kissing and nibbling the delicate skin there, while his breathing accelerated.

They didn't talk but she felt him moving faster and went with him, allowing him to set the cadence he liked while she gave herself to the sensations he gave her, finally feeling safe again in his arms.

Quinn felt her tensing and writhing a few seconds before he was there and held her as close as he could while waiting both of their shivers out.

"You feel wonderful," whispered in her ear, softly caressing her arm and shoulder now, "I wish I could stay."

"Me too."

Quinn sighed and pulled himself back and out of her but returned to spooning her from behind and clutching her to his chest, one leg now entangled with hers.

"I gotta go soon. Want to stay in bed right away?"

"Yeah. Please don't go yet, stay a moment longer."

"We still have some minutes left."

Her hand came up, sought and found his and their fingers interlaced, he felt her relaxing and snuggling into him.

He placed a soft kiss on the back of her nape, hoping the strange afternoon was forgotten now. There was still one thing he had to tell her though.

But right now he wanted just a few minutes of blissful happiness, indulging in being with Carrie, holding her and memorizing how he felt when she was so close. So much better.

So they just lay still for a few minutes, their breathing in synch and the only sound in the dark bedroom. Carrie wondered what would happen if they just would drift off together now.

"Carrie?"

"Hmmm?"

"About Sunday..."

God, this was hard, because it wasn't what he wanted. And they hadn't had a lot of time together this week. But not finishing the assignment with the rest of his group wasn't an option either. And, what was worse, Hannah had suggested they's meet "at his his place", saying she might think he was a mysterious orphan if he weren't finally hosting one of their group meetings. Of course she'd meant it as a joke but he still felt sick when thinking about that awkward moment. And equally sick when he thought about having three classmates at the Taylors' house on Sunday.

"Quinn?"

"Yeah."

"Sunday?"

"Yeah... listen... I know we made other plans... but I have an extra meeting with my group for that history assignment. And they all can do Sunday so..."

"Fine."

It wasn't fine. Carrie felt a pit in her stomach opening, getting deeper each second. Just after... and now he...

He was relieved. Glad that she was understanding and not making it more difficult as it was. A bit surprised that she didn't seem to be disappointed. But decided to swallow that because he'd stood her up several times during the last two weeks so probably he wasn't in the position to complain.

So he just pressed a kiss on her shoulder, hoping to convey how sorry he was.

"Thank you. I'm sorry. But I'll see you Saturday."

She couldn't, she just couldn't. Not when he was spending Sunday with that girl, instead of going back to Sandy Point with her. She remembered that day in summer, after they'd been in Baltimore, swimming, kissing, the conversation they'd had about moving in together in a few years and then later in the car... and now he didn't even wanna go back there anymore with her. So she made a decision, tears welling up in her eyes which she tried to swallow and hide.

"Actually I've been thinking... there's a lot of homework I have to catch up with. Maybe we skip this weekend. Yeah, I think that's what we should do."

He knew he had to leave now if he didn't want to be late and get in trouble. So there was no time to question her decision now. And he didn't wanna part on a bitter note. Not after what they'd just shared. So he tried to mask his disappointment. She was always very understanding to his needs for school so he should grant her the same, he thought.

 _He's not even complaining_ , she thought. _Maybe he's relieved._

"Sure. If you need that time for your homework. I'll see you Tuesday then?"

"Yeah, probably."

"I really gotta go now. Stay in bed. Want me to call you when I'm home?"

"I'll be asleep by then."

That was probably true but he still had still felt a disturbing tension. But there wasn't enough time to discuss that now.

So he extricated his legs and climbed to her side of the bed, trying to face her in the dark. She grabbed her blanket as soon as he moved away and curled herself into it.

So he bent over her and kissed her cheek.

"I'll call you tomorrow then. Or call me when you have time."

He didn't see the tears in her eyes and she didn't notice his doubtful glance.

She let the tears flow as soon as he had left her room.

\---------------------

Quinn was very silent when he came home a few minutes after nine. Audrey decided not to comment on his being late because she didn't want him to drive unsafely during the wintery weather conditions. But he went upstairs and vanished to his room as soon as he could.

Saturday morning he slept in, very unusual for him, usually he went on his run early and was downstairs when Audrey got up. When he wasn't down by half past nine she went upstairs with a cup of coffee and gently knocked his door. His room was always cleaned up, he never even left a sweater thrown over a chair. Sometimes she wondered if he really was that way or if he just tried to adapt to what he thought was expected from him. He sat at his desk, apparently making homework.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"You're not hungry today?"

"I... not really. No."

"You should at least drink something before you start working."

"I am sorry for being late yesterday."

She wondered if he was avoiding breakfast because he expected to have to justify himself.

"Well, you called. That was nice. But next time I'd like you to stick to what we agreed on."

She saw a shadow crossing his face but he nodded.

"So, when you'll leave today to see Carrie?"

"I'll be here all day. I'm not going."

That was a surprise.

"She's busy", he added.

"Well, it's end of term soon so that's to expect. How's your project going?"

"Okay. I'll have an extra meeting tomorrow."

"Good. You're really making a lot of effort for school, that's great."

But she could see he wasn't happy and his deep sigh confirmed her observation.

"Everything's alright?"

Quinn finished his coffee and turned back to his book and notes, then stopped halfway and gave one of those silents looks which made Audrey always wonder what he was thinking then.

"They want to meet here", he muttered, "see how the new guy lives."

Audrey felt her heart aching for the silent young man in front of her. Being the new kid in class was always hard, she knew that, and yet she sensed an opportunity for him to make friends.

"Sure. Did you already invite them over? You know that you can have friends visiting you here, we told you."

He was avoiding eye contact now but murmured something she didn't quite understand.

"What was that?"

"They don't know that I'm a fosterkid. They... think... I'm just normal... and live here with my family..."

It broke her heart. All those months, each and every day he we to school, trying to blend in and to pretend to be just one of them, not to give away his secret. And now all he probably thought about was how his carefully protected story would come out anyway, all this effort for nothing.

She wouldn't let this happen.

Audrey got up from the chair she'd sitten on, forced herself to smile and put a hand on Quinn's shoulder.

"Well, then we'll see what we can do to make them see that this is what is: you live here with your family. No worries, we won't tell anybody. Although I don't think it should be a problem."

"I said I was in a boarding school for a few years."

He clearly wasn't feeling well.

"It might come out eventually. And I think it might be easier if you can choose the moment you tell your new friends yourself. So if you ask me I'd really suggest you tell them soon," she saw his eyes getting darker, "but if tomorrow is not the right moment I won't give your secret away. Don't worry."

"Yeah. I've been there before. Believe me, it's better they don't know. Thank you."

"Come downstairs for breakfast, okay?"

"Not hungry."

The moment of opening up was over, Audrey saw that, so she moved to the door and left the room, seeing Quinn turning back to his books.

Quinn sighed when she was gone. He tried to call Carrie, again, but she wasn't home. Maybe she was running errands.

\--------------

Carrie wasn't running errands. She had gotten up early to take her meds and was back in bed, feeling tired and sad. She was alone at home, her Dad was seeing friends. She heard the phone but couldn't bring herself to answer it.

 

\-----------------

He tried every hour. He briefly considered to just drive over and see her but then Robert asked him to help covering the plants in the garden with burlap bags, there would be more snow, and to put the Christmas lights into the trees and so there was no time.

But he drove past the Mathison's house when he was expected to go to the store and buy some groceries. But Frank's car was gone and nobody opened so probably Carrie was with him.

\---------------

Carrie didn't even get up when she heard the doorbell.

 

\----------------

Hannah called the moment he came back home. Saying she wanted to confirm tomorrow's date. For homework, of course. And the laughed, and asked if he'd like to join some other people from school and her to go to the movies tonight.

"If you don't say yes, I'll ask your mom tomorrow why you're never allowed to go out."

He knew she probably meant it as a joke. But even if he didn't feel like going out at all - it was that sentence what made him agree.

He called Carrie again, hoping she might change her mind and come with him but nobody answered the phone.

\--------------

Frank came home at six and was surprised to find the house dark. He was even more surprises when he didn't see Quinn's boots and jacket at the coatrack.

So he went upstairs and found his youngest curled up in bed where she'd apparently spent all day.

Seemed like a first thunderstorm had happened, Frank thought.

He sat on the edge of the mattrass and touched Carrie's shoulder.

"Honey, what's up, hm? Wanna tell your old Dad?"

"No."

"Fine. Then let me have a guess. He said something or you said something. And then the other answered or didn't answer. And suddenly you both didn't know what to say anymore. So he left or you refused to take his call or he wasn't answering the phone or all of it. And suddenly it feels like the end of the world."

Carrie didn't answer so he went on.

"But let me tell you, you'll figure it out. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But you'll figure it out. It's a difficult time for both of you and sometimes a step back and taking a deep breath helps."

"No. It doesn't."

"Carrie, you don't even need to tell me what's up if you don't want too. But let me tell you, it's never as dramatic as it seems. So, where is he?"

"I don't know."

Frank saw that this road wasn't taking him anywhere.

"You know what, dear? It's been a bit lonely for me over the last weeks with you being out and about nearly every Saturday. How about your Dad takes you out tonight? Pizza and movie?"

"I'm not hungry."

"So just cinema?"

Carrie contemplated her father's suggestion for a moment. It was true. She hadn't even considered yet how much her father's life had changed since summer. Maggie had moved to college and wasn't home often. And she had seen Quinn each and every Saturday, usually he'd spent the night at her place, and even if they had dinner with her father often her Dad probably was often lonely now.

So she sighed and turned.

"Sounds like a plan, Dad. But I choose the movie", along with a smile, a little forced maybe.

Frank knew it was hard for her and was proud seeing her making the effort to pull herself together and get up.

"Give me half an hour, okay?"

\-------------------

They were a group of ten, six boys and four girls. He knew most of them although he hadn't talked to everybody yet. It felt awkward in the beginning but nobody paid special attention to him, they were just a normal group of friends meeting for a night out, he thought. It wasn't too bad. But he missed Carrie, still wondering where she'd been all day. The library maybe. He cursed himself for not thinking about this earlier and going there to check.

He still had no idea what had happened yesterday and although the hour in her room had been... everything... he had a strange feeling when thinking about not seeing her the rest of the weekend. It just didn't feel right.

"Hey, what are you brooding about? The others are already going inside."

Hannah suddenly stood next to him, she was taller than Carrie, almost eyelevel, and touched his arm for a second.

"Nothing. I'm good."

No way he'd talk about Carrie with her. So he gave her a small smile and a nod and they followed the rest of the group inside.

\----------------------

Carrie saw Quinn when she went to the bathroom. Her father was getting drinks and popcorn, he'd insisted that these belonged to a real visit to the cinema.

_Quinn and that girl again._

She said something, touched his shoulder, she was tall, high shoes probably, and he answered and smiled and they went inside.

It took her ten minutes to get back to her father. Ten minutes she spent locked in toilet cubicle, sitting on the lid, knees with her arms around them to her chin, not fighting the tears back. The void which had opened in her stomach was bottomless.

Then she got up, washed her face, stealed herself and went back into the dark cinema, right when the opening credits were starting. Later she wouldn't remember the film. Nor would she remember what she and her father spoke about afterwards, on their way home.

\----------------------

Quinn tried to concentrate on the film but couldn't stop thinking about Carrie. He missed her. It would be the first Saturday night without her since had left Flintstone. He should have insisted on seeing her, at least for a few hours or just the night. This just didn't feel right.

He felt Hannah shifting in the seat next to him, her knee accidentally touched his and so he moved his legs a little to the left to give her more room.

\----------------

Carrie made it to her room, curled under her blanket and started sobbing, hands clenched into the shirt Quinn had forgotten last week.

\----------------

He drove past the Mathison's house on his way home, they'd gone for icecream after the film and had agreed to meet at ten the next day for their assignment.

The house was dark so he didn't stop.

\-----------------

Audrey noticed she was excited that Quinn was going to have friends over today. She joined him early in the kitchen, he'd left the house early for his run and was back about 7.30, and she waited with coffee and breakfast for him.

Robert had given her a grunted "mother hen" and had turned in bed to sleep in when she got up.

They had breakfast in silence, Quinn didn't look well, she thought, probably he was anxious about his friends getting behind his secret. Robert hadn't been a fan when she'd told him but had agreed to play along.

So she tried to retreat to safe ground.

"Will Carrie be here in the afternoon or are you going to see her?"

"Not sure yet."

Something in his eyes made her go on.

"Is everything all right with Carrie?"

And to her huge surprise he answered, slowly.

"I don't know. She... I really don't know."

"What happened?"

"I don't even know. It's been... difficult. I don't know."

"Did you talk to her?"

"She's not answering the phone."

Audrey saw how much that weighed on his shoulders and without thinking she reached out and put her hand on his arm - a gesture she would use for any of her children but for Quinn it was a first. And he didn't pull back, just shot a surprised look.

"Why don't you go over after your friends leave and talk to her? You'll figure it out, I'm sure."

"Yeah. Maybe that's what I'll do. But first it's that assignment. They'll be here at ten."

"And it'll be okay."

Audrey squeezed his arm and got up, getting the coffee and refilling his cup.

For the first time she felt they were really making progress. She wished to hug him but knew that sadly boys didn't take that too well so she just squeezed his shoulder and went outside to collect the Sunday newspaper, wondering if Carrie had a relapse or if it was just a normal teenage thunderstorm.

She got some of her answer a few hours later when Quinn's classmates arrived.

She loved having the house filled with young people again and hoovered around them, offering snacks and drinks until Robert gently told her to give them space.

But she'd seen the glances the dark haired girl shot to Quinn as well as how she managed to sit next to him and that she'd touched his arm twice.

And she noticed that he had no clue, just tried to be friendly and likeable, clearly overwhelmed with the situation, probably worried his secret might come out eventually. She'd noticed the girl having a quick look at the photos at the mantle piece and was glad that there was a recent one with the whole family including Quinn - they'd taken it Thanksgiving when the baby had been at his grandparents' house for the first time. Quinn stood next to Andrew, she remembered him staying out of the picture until she'd asked him to join - he hadn't felt invited when they'd said "family photograph". But he had a shy smile in that photo. There were more pictures from that day and Audrey was glad they took them. One showed Quinn and Carrie, Carrie had been over later in the evening for an hour or two, that one was in Quinn's room, she'd seen it on his desk.

She really had to talk to him about telling his friends that he hadn't lived here forever, Audrey thought, feeling her heart getting heavy again.

\----------------------

Carrie managed to go to church with her Dad but apologized herself after the service. Frank assumed she'd go and see Quinn now.

But she didn't. She arrived home around half past eleven, and following a sudden idea she grabbed her car keys and soon drove eastbound, out of town, to the coast.

It was a cold but sunny day and she needed to be alone and think.

\------------------

They sat in the living room, around the dining table. Audrey was offering drinks, she even brought a plate with sandwiches at lunchtime.

"Your mum's nice. Where are you siblings?," Hannah inquired while they were having a break.

"Not here today", Quinn muttered, "Andrew's in college and Becky just had a baby a few weeks ago."

"So you are an uncle", Hannah smiled and he wished she would drop the topic.

But she even got up and had a look at the pictures on the mantle piece.

"How many kids are you? Your younger sister is missing in that one. Where is she today anyway?", Hannah said and that was when Quinn figured he was in trouble.

He was saved by Audrey, who just came in with more drinks and cookies and later Hannah didn't mention it again.

He was glad when they all left shortly after 3. Audrey saw that Hannah was trying to stay behind and decided it was time to save Quinn.

"Quinn, good you're done, could you join me running some errands? I was just about to drive to the supermarket - I'll wait for you."

Quinn shot her a surprised glance but then seemed to get it and gave her a small smile.

"Yeah, give me a minute."

He exhaled when he closed the door behind the other teenagers.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome", Audrey got a mug from the cupboard and poored him some coffee, "I thought you would appreciate a break."

"I do."

They drank their coffee in silence and Audrey decided not to push a conversation but to bring up the topic later again.

\--------------

Carrie arrived at the beach by noon, the parking lot - in summer overcrowded - was empty and the beach was desolated. She tried to find the spot where they'd lain in summer, sat there and watched the waves, not holding her desperate tears back anymore.

\--------------

Carrie was not home. Nobody opened when he rang the doorbell. He was desperate enough to take the spare key from under a flower pot and to check if Carrie was home but not answering the door but the house was empty. He felt bad for intruding here and quickly rushed out again, carefully arranging the flower pot exactly how he'd found him.

Both cars were gone. He hadn't noticed earlier. So she couldn't be here.

He then checked the library but it was closed.

The parking lot near her favourite running trail was empty too.

He had no idea where else she could be.

But he couldn't go home now. There was no way how he could stand Audrey's good-hearted but nerve-wracking inquiries when his mind was running wild about what was wrong with Carrie.

So he headed eastbound, taking the I 495 out of the city, just driving and thinking and killing time.

He had no idea how everything had fallen into pieces since Friday afternoon. Why Carrie was making herself unavailable. How he should tell Hannah that Carrie wasn't his sister without telling her and his whole school where he was from. But it had started Friday, hadn't it? When she'd disappeared from the library. He should have insisted on talking about why she'd left. He shouldn't have cancelled their time for today. He should have insisted on seeing her Saturday night.

 

He noticed where he was heading just before he pulled into the parking lot, pursing his lips and trying to the memory of that happy summer day away. The day they'd been to Baltimore. And later here. One of the happiest days of his life. Only two days later at the cabin he'd made love to her for the very first time. Putting the ring on her finger. He'd been so sure then, that she was his and he'd never lose her. She meant the world to him. Then and now.

But now -

He noticed the other car subconsciously but it took him a moment to realize whose car it was but then he was out of his car in seconds, running along the sandy path through the dunes to the beach.

He couldn't find her right away, the beach was empty and desolated on this bleak winter afternoon, it would be dark by 4, and he felt fear clenching around his heart. He had to find her. What if she had another depression and he'd missed the signs? What if he was too late? What if - she wouldn't do this, would she?

She would talk to him, wouldn't she? But he'd not been there enough for her, had missed their time together too often, hadn't been there enough.

There was a cold wind blowing but Quinn didn't pay attention.

He decided to turn left, towards the place where they'd lain that day in August.

And then he saw her. It had to be her. A small figure sitting in the sand. Blonde hair. No jacket, he thought when he got closer.

His relief was wast, flooding through his veins. He'd never been so afraid in his whole life.

She hadn't noticed him yet, she was looking out to the grey waves and he wanted to be closer before calling her.

She turned her head when he was just a few steps away from her and he saw that she was crying. He'd been walking at a rapid clip, more running than walking actually, but now he slowed down, feeling overwhelmed and confused.

She had said she had no time, hadn't she? But only after he had cancelled their trip here. But now she was here. Without him. Crying. But she hadn't answered the phone all weekend. Maybe she didn't wanna see him, maybe-

Carrie looked at him but couldn't read his face. She wondered if she was surprised to see him. Or happy. Or anything. She didn't know. It just hurt too much.

She hadn't been able to erase those images from her memory, Quinn and that girl, at the library and yesterday at the cinema, how he'd said to her that he had no time but had time to see her and her mind had been spinning around this over and over again, analysed what had changed, and why she hadn't seen it before and how much it hurt. And at that point she'd always started crying again. She was cold but hadn't the energy to move or get up and go back to the car so she just sat there and felt how everything was falling apart.

Quinn saw her face contorting when she started crying again and felt awful. Helpless and awful.

Carrie buried her face on her knees, her shoulders were shaking, and he squatted next to her, feeling a surge of overwhelming despair.

For once in his life there had been something important, meaningful, stable even, and whatever he'd done - and he had an idea, it had formed on the back of his mind during the drive down here when he'd tried to recall the events of Friday afternoon - he'd managed to damage that.

He touched her shoulder, briefly, and she raised her head to look at him.

"Why did you come here?"

He felt helpless and lost for words.

"I didn't know you'd be here", he decided for honesty, "but I'm glad I found you."

"Are you?"

"Carrie, are you kidding me?", he knew he shouldn't get angry and tried to calm down by taking a deep breath, "I tried to call you a thousand times. You didn't answer the phone. You didn't call me."

"You said you're busy. That you have no time to see me."

"I said I can't see you today. You cancelled the rest. And avoided me all weekend."

He heard how that sounded and hated it.

"Well, you certainly knew how to keep yourself busy", her voice was distanced and she looked away.

"Carrie. Look at me. What are you talking about?"

But she didn't look at him and although he already moved his hand forward to touch her shoulder once more he then redecided and let his hand sink into his lap.

"Carrie. What?"

"Do me a favour and don't lie now, okay? At least that."

"I'm not lying. I told you I have to meet my workgroup for that assignment."

"Today."

"Yeah, today."

She was on her feet before he even noticed that she was about to get up, looking down on him with an expression he had never seen before. Almost frantic.

"Don't lie to me. At least be honest. I saw you. Yesterday. At the mall, before you went to see that movie. And Friday, at the library. With her. You told her that I'm your sister. So much about homework. Too much work school. That's why you were busy. You-"

"Carrie", he was almost relieved but just almost, anger and confusion competing against it, "you can't really think that. That's not true. That's bullshit. Hannah-"

"Hannah. That's her name? So that's why you tried to call me? To finally tell me about Hannah?"

"Carrie. No."

"So you didn't want to tell me? Just break up with me? Or not tell me and just keep going? Sex on Fridays with me and then Saturday is for her?"

She was yelling now, her eyes narrowed, and if there weren't the tears streaming down her face... it was horrible. It hurt. First and foremost it hurt. What she said. He had done this. He had brought her to that point. He'd destroyed the one important relationship in his life.

And he realized it could be dangerous. Carrie wasn't in a good state. He had no idea if this was still okay, this being there first major fight, or if she was getting sick.

He wanted to run away. Just turn around and never come back. Or turn back time, back to Friday. Hot chocolate and talking to Carrie. And sending Hannah away. Or introducing Carrie to her. As his girlfriend.

"Carrie. No. You know that this is not true."

"Do I?"

Her posture had changed, she wasn't so hostile anymore, it all happened so fast.

But when he took her hand, she didn't pull away.

Quinn touched the ring on her finger. Her skin was icecold.

"You know that. I hope you do."

Her eyes were filling with tears again and that was what broke him too.

"Carrie", his voice was breaking, "please. I'd never... never I would... I meant it when I gave you that ring. And now, I... Fuck Carrie, you can't really think I went away after Friday afternoon just to date someone else? How can you think that? Really. I- it was just homework. And they asked me to go to the movie with them. We were a group. I wanted to go with you. You said you have no time. I wanted to see you on Saturday. You said you-"

"So you didn't come here to break up with me?"

Carrie wasn't yelling anymore. Her voice was calm now, but thick with tears.

He looked at her, still holding her hand, and then carefully pulled her close, against his chest and then closed his arms around here.

"No. Carrie. Of course not. Quite the opposite."

She was shaking, from the cold or exhaustion, he didn't know. She cried against his chest and he tried to calm her. But soon he realized that she wouldn't stop crying soon, so he sat down, pulled her in hid lap, shook his jacket off and wrapped it around her, trying to share his bodyheat with her.

Carrie couldn't stop the sobbing and Quinn felt his cheeks being wet too. But she was with him. Everything else they'd figure out. As long as they were together.

"I'm so sorry, Carrie", he muttered into her hair, "so sorry. I didn't know you saw her Friday. You should have told me. I should have introduced you. I should have done that sooner anyway. I shouldn't have left Friday without you telling me what was wrong. Why didn't you tell me? You really thought I'd-"

He didn't go on. It hurt enough without saying it.

So he just held her, wrapped in his jacket, pressed against his chest, the remaining light quickly fading, it would be dark soon.

Finally she spoke.

"When I saw you with her, I was so afraid. I couldn't speak about it. I was so afraid of your answer."

"Carrie. My answer would have been what it's now: You are the only one. I'm yours. As long as you want me."

Carrie raised her head from his chest to look at him, he saw her tear stained cheeks and that her eyes were red-rimmed, and he saw that she was really listening now. She looked much younger than she usually did and the sudden surge of tenderness he felt made him swallow.

Quinn raised his hand to her cheek and cupped it, his thumb brushed over her skin and when she didn't move away he leant slightly forward to kiss her. It was a short and tentative kiss, hesitant even, but when he was about to break away Carrie's hand came up to the back of his neck and he felt her deepening the kiss. It was a lingering kiss now, softly exploring each other anew, reconnecting after words had failed them.

Quinn sighed when Carrie parted her lips for him and their tongues met, and that kiss went on, getting breathless and more urgent now, her hands roaming up and down his back now and his hands searching and finding some warm skin too.

"I'm sorry", she whispered once and then kissed him again, his hands under her shirt now, following the soft curve of her spine.

It shocked him how much he wanted her right now. But there was no way to be with her now, too cold, wrong moment, all that. But it felt like the only way to convey to her how much he loved her.

Carrie melted into him, feeling him physically close was so good. She knew they had to talk and they had to go home, seperate, two cars and then she wouldn't see him for another few days and -

"Carrie. God, Carrie", she knew he wanted what she wanted when he broke that kiss and pressed a kiss on her temple, breathing heavily into her ear, "Carrie. I love you. I meant it", his fingers were searching for the ring, "please never doubt that again. This here", he touched her finger, "is real."

"I'm so sorry", Carrie whispered, "so sorry."

"Don't Carrie. It's okay. I should have insisted."

"No. I should have told you. I was so afraid. I'm so sorry."

Quinn pulled her up with him into a standing position and held her tight, their hands nestling under clothes now, she was still cold, and he knew he should bring her home but he needed more of her now.

They slowly walked back to the parking lot, her arm around his waist, his arm firmly around her shoulder.

It was dark when they arrived there and they kissed again with Carrie being backed up against her car.

It wasn't much warmer inside but she still had the picnic blanket they'd often used over summer in her trunk and so he could wrap that around her shoulders after he'd undressed her, once again struggling with the limited room of the back seat.

Soon they were both naked, Carrie was straddling him, it was cold and dark outside, and he felt her rubbing herself against him, soft moans coming at an increasing rhythm, his mouth sucking the delicate sking just below her earlobe, his hands fondling her breasts.

Somehow they managed the feat of lying down - just stretching their legs was difficult again or not possible at all but then she was on her back beneath him, opening her legs for him, kissing him and holding him.

He slowly moved into her, feeling her welcoming him, and they started moving together, slowly first and then faster.

Her hands were clenched into his shoulders and she held his gaze when he looked down into her eyes.

"I love you too", Carrie whispered when he moved deep inside her,  
"don't leave me."

"I won't. I couldn't. Never", Quinn stated, his breathing ragged, sensing she liked the faster movements and adjusting his pace, already feeling the familiar knot at the base of his spine.

He came deep inside her and held her close when she came, after a few more thrusts, slower now, he was desperate to give her this, and he needed to feel and hear her.

Afterwards they moved around long enough that Carrie could lie on top of him, hearing his heartbeat, the blanket spread over them and his hands splayed on her back.

It was then when he told her that he hadn't told anyone where he was from and how he feared they might find out soon, his voice was low and flat, he stared to the ceiling and didn't look at her.

"You think that'll make a difference?"

"I don't know Carrie. In the beginning I thought nobody will ever know. I just go to school, go home, don't connect."

"And now?"

"Dunno. It's different. It's... I like them", he felt her tensing and smoothed his hand along her spine, "It's nice to have friends to hang out with at school or do homework. But they are so normal. I'm not like them. I'll always be the foster kid."

"Maybe you should give them the benefit of doubt."

"What? What do you mean with that?"

"That being the foster kid maybe doesn't bother them. That they like you. Well that Hannah certainly does."

"Carrie."

Right now, in his arm after they'd made love, she felt stupid about the whole encounter. But he knew her fear had been real so he pulled her in and kissed her, tender and soft now.

"Maybe you start with telling Hannah that I'm not your sister. And then you tell her the rest. And the others too. Don't make it a big deal. They've been at the Taylor's house and met them. So they'll know that you live there like you were their child, that it's not some kind of foster home but your family. I bet Audrey served drinks and snacks."

"She did."

That made Carrie breath a laugh against his skin, he enjoyed the tickling sensation and tightened his grip around her shoulder.

"The less big you make that revelation the less it will impact the others. It'll be worse the longer you wait."

Quinn knew she was right, even if he didn't fancy the idea of having that talk.

They got up soon after, both reluctantly and not looking forward to the drive back.

Quinn followed Carrie's car, they'd agreed on him coming home with her for dinner, her Dad would be glad to see him, she thought while musing over the events of the day during the drive.

She felt stupid now. Relieved but stupid. Knowing that her mood swings were part of her condition didn't make it any better, the downward spiral had been so fast.

Quinn allowed his mind to wander while he followed Carrie back into the city. He felt tired and exhausted. Relieved too. Nervous about tomorrow. He'd do it right then, now as the decision was made, there was no sense in further postponing it.

He wondered how much of their problems this week had been his fault. Why he hadn't seen what was going on. If he'd ever be able to anticipate the influence Carrie's illness had on her moods and reactions. Her condition didn't scare him, never had, but he realized that he didn't know enough about it. Feeling he might lose her - that had scared him. That the one thing which really mattered was so fragile. He would never allow that to happen again.

Frank was surprised and relieved to see Carrie coming home with Quinn, not commenting on where they'd been or why there were two cars. They were unusually quiet over dinner but he saw Quinn's eyes resting on Carrie for most of the time and he saw that Carrie smiled at him every now and then so they'd probably settled whatever had been between them for the last days.

When Carrie made an attempt to collect the dishes Frank took the plates.

"My turn tonight."

Carrie's smile was his reward.

Quinn walked her upstairs and she was in his arms before they'd even closed the door behind them.

"How long can you stay?"

"Ten-ish I guess. C'mere."

He lead her to her bed, needing some more time with her. There was no urgency in their kiss now, they'd found each other again and that was what they silently conveyed in the darkness of Carrie's bedroom when they slowly undressed each other, their hands roaming over their bodies.

"I love you, Carrie. Never doubt that", Quinn whispered, his mouth trailing along her neck and collarbone and then he started licking and sucking her nipple, feeling himself pressing against Carrie's thigh.

Their love making was slow and dreamy, indolent even, and he was mesmerized by the soft sounds she made. Carrie's legs were wrapped around his waist and they slowly rocked their hips, it felt like he'd never been so close and deep before.

Taking so much time felt right after what they'd been through that day and when he finally felt Carrie's breathing getting faster he sensed she'd be there soon, longing to hear and feel her coming apart. She whimpered below his ear when she was there, it blew his mind, her hands around his buttocks pressing him inside her and that was when he came too.

Feeling him deep inside her, spreading inside her, his body all around her, was what she needed now. She didn't want to let him go, ever.

They lay in silence afterwards, wrapped around each other, her mouth so close to his that he could feel her breath on his lips.

He wished her could just stay, fall asleep here and spend the night with her.

She was thinking about the same because she whispered "Saturday you'll be here all night, right?"

"Yeah", he smoothed away a strand of hair from her forehead and placed a kiss there, "but I'd like to see you before. Tuesday?"

"Yes."

"I'll make it work. I promise."

"I know."

They snuggled under her blanket, their hands resting together on his abdomen, she felt his heartbeat under her ear.

\-------------

Frank hadn't expected to see his daughter downstairs again but he heard her voice in the hallway, he couldn't make the words, but he heard a soft laughter and then Quinn's voice louder, calling a "bye Frank, see you soon" and then the front door closing. He peaked out of the window and saw Carrie walking him to the car. That was new, she'd never done this before.

She sneaked into his study room when she came back.

"All good, honey?"

"Yeah, Dad, all good."

"Good."

He was relieved. Whatever it had been, apparently they'd settled it.

\---------------

Audrey saw him driving down the road when she was about to prepare a cup of tea. So she changed to hot chocolate instead and quickly put a small saucepan with milk on the stove.

She was glad when Quinn came to the kitchen right away.

"There you are."

"Sorry. Should've called."

"Yes."

She placed the two mugs on the table and sat opposite of him.

Quinn took the first sip and then looked at her.

"You were right. I'll tell them. At school, tomorrow."

Audrey looked at him and once again wished she could hug him.

Instead she placed her hand on his arm, just a short moment for a gentle squeeze, surprised when that earned her a little smile.

"It'll be all right."

"That's what Carrie said too."

"So that's where you've been all day?"

She saw his cheeks turning a little pink and had to swallow a chuckle.

"Let's call it a day, uhm? You'll have to get up early tomorrow."

\-------------

That night he dreamt of Carrie. She was still there when he slowly woke up, he almost could feel her warmth.

\-------------

Carrie was there when he came out of school, waiting for him in the park opposite of his school. He usually walked home, it wasn't far.

He saw her sitting on a bench near the entrance, raising when he crossed the street.

"Hey."

"Hey you."

He briefly kissed her hello.

"What are you doing here? Gotta go to work soon."

"I know. Me too. But I wanted to see you. Just for a few minutes."

She wrapped her arm around him and looked up to him.

"And to ask you how it went. And then I walk you home and will drive to work."

It hadn't been too bad. They had been a bit confused, sympathetic mostly, only Hannah had given him a strange look, not angry, a little disappointed maybe.

They walked together to the Taylor's house, his arm around her shoulder, while he told her about his day.

Audrey stood by the window when she saw them coming down the road, the tall boy and the smaller blond figure next to him. She turned away when he bent down to kiss her, this was for the two of them, but it made her happy to see Quinn coming home and being happy.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First Christmas together. With snow and presents.

Carrie came to see him more often now after school, just for half an hour and a short walk. Or she drove him home, parked at the end of the dead end road and they stole a few minutes for some kisses before she had to go back for afternoon classes or work. And Quinn made sure not to miss their afternoons anymore, even if it was just for an hour or two of doing homework together.

The week before Christmas was the first time she spent a night at the Taylor's house. They hadn't planned that, but the roads became icey during the early evening, they'd been doing some homework together, and Robert decided during dinner that Carrie couldn't drive back that night.

A moment of awkwardness followed, Quinn had never asked if Carrie was allowed to stay overnight, and he had always preferred to be at her place for the weekends, but then Audrey asked Quinn to get an extra blanket from the walk in closet in the hallway and got up to get a spare tooth brush. 

When she came back she casually announced that she'd placed it on Quinn's desk and that Quinn could probably borrow her a t-shirt for the night.

Carrie smiled when Audrey prepared hot chocolate and asked them all to sit in the reading room to watch the news together.

And Audrey got her own surprise when Quinn stayed behind to help her carrying the mugs.

She was just about to pour the hot liquid into them when he re-entered the kitchen and looked at her.

"Thank you", he simply said.

"Of course we don't let her leave tonight. Robert's right, too dangerous."

"Yeah. But still."

"This is your home, Quinn. Carrie is welcome here."

Without considering any further Audrey made a step forward and gave him a brief hug, feeling a surge of hope when she felt Quinn briefly touching her shoulder before she detached.

It didn't feel like a huge step forward. It felt like natural progress towards normalcy. And yet it made Audrey smile.

Looking back a few days later, when things got tough, she remembered this evening as a happy evening. They watched the news and had an interesting conversation about a movie Carrie and Quinn had seen the week before, Philadelphia. 

Not for the first time Audrey thought that Carrie was incredibly smart and eloquent. Frank had once said that her brain was just working two spins faster than others and that was probably true.

The UN voted unanimously for a Commissioner for Human Rights and that grasped Carrie's attention.

Robert was actually going to tease her when he suggested her to study law and candidate herself but Carrie just smiled and said she actually was considering exactly this.

Quinn didn't comment on it and Audrey wondered if it was new for him. They'd never spoken about what he wanted to do after school, right now it was about getting him through highschool successfully.

It hurt her to realize once more how unfairly life had treated him - he was a young adult now already and not even a teen anymore and yet never had had a chance to make those plans teenagers make. 

They called it a day soon after and Audrey saw the two of the them going upstairs when she put the mugs away, Quinn's hand briefly touching Carrie's back before she went up the stairs.

They curled up in his bed - using just one blanket - and Carrie settled in the crook of his elbow.

"Feels awkward?", she asked with a smile her in her voice.

"Yeah. Dunno why."

"We never spent the night here before. That's why."

"C'mere you."

He pulled her upwards and kissed her.

"It's not that I don't like you having here."

"We get an extra night. That's good."

With Audrey and Robert being just on the other side of the wall nothing else would happen between them tonight but their time together was precious, even more so after their fight.

So it was just soft kisses and gentle caresses, their legs mingled and their hands on each other's back, while Carrie was curled up against him.

"I was thinking, maybe after Christmas, we could go to the cabin for a few days?"

"Just you and me?"

Carrie giggled at his hopeful undertone.

"Yes, just you and me. Dad said it's okay. You'd have to chop the logs for spring though."

"And you? What do you do?"

"Making it your worth while afterwards."

She kissed his neck and let her lips rest there, partly open, he felt the tip of her tongue there for a sweet moment and a pleasant shiver down his spine, and tightened his grip around her.

"Consider me persuaded."

"Dad said he can ask them if you don't feel comfortable."

"I'll do that myself."

"Good."

"How long?"

"I thought maybe four or five days?"

"Too good to be true."

They fell silent for a while, both feeling content and snug in their cocoon in the dark bedroom.

"You never said you wanna study law", Quinn finally brought up a topic which had been on the back of his mind since earlier that evening.

"I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'll stick to English and Arabic."

"But?"

"I think I might be good at it, maybe?"

"For sure. What kind of law?"

"In the beginning you don't specialize. That's not before later."

"And what would you like to do?"

"International law."

"Work for the UN."

"Not everybody who studies law gets a position at the UN. But yes, I'd like to something...maybe... meaningful?"

Quinn didn't answer and after a while Carrie wiggled for some room and raised her head.

"What about you? Still coming with me?"

"If you want that."

"I thought that's a given."

"Then I'll go where you go. But -"

"But?"

"I was thinking... actually we spoke about it in ROTC... if I serve... longer that is... they cover college fees."

"That's what you want to do?"

"I could go to college then."

"And be a soldier."

"Yes. For some time."

"What would you like to do?"

"Paramedic I thought."

"And then med school?"

"I don't know."

He had thought about it quite a bit. Going to college was what Carrie would do. He liked the Junior ROTC classes. It was both demanding and inspiring. And that way he could maybe go to college with Carrie. Or close to where she would be. If he was going to serve for eight years, four of these active. It was one year and a half until her graduation, if he was going to work hard enough for him too, and he was determined to make it work. To live a life she would like to share. Their life together. 

"So we start college together somewhere?"

"If you want that."

"Of course I want that."

Carrie's hand came to the back of his neck and Quinn felt her gently pulling him in for a kiss.

"Why wouldn't I want that? Seeing you every day. Or night. Or both."

She decided not to comment on the fact that his plans included enlisting.

"I would want that very much. I love you", she said softly, kissing him once more, parting her lips now for him.

They fell asleep soon after, Carrie curled into his side.

\-------------------

The last days of school before Christmas passed quickly and soon it was the last day of school.

Quinn had to agree that nothing had changed since he'd told his friends that the Taylors weren't his parents.

Hannah once had sat with him during lunch and asked if his real parents had died, and probably had meant well, so he'd just said that they were alive but that he didn't see them anymore.

They'd finished their assignment, two more meeting, had done their presentation with success and still usually sat together as a group at lunch time every day. He met Greg for runs two or three times a week.

Greg had met Carrie in front of school and Quinn had introduced them, once they even had lunch with a group from his class, but still he and Carrie preferred to spend most of their time alone.

\----------

Audrey noticed Quinn was very silent these days, apparently not in the festive mood which felt her with brimming joy in these few days before Christmas.

She wondered if he'd ever celebrated and if he had when his last happy Christmas had been.

One evening, she found him sitting in the dark library, Robert had his Christmas Party with his colleagues and she'd been preparing the Dinner for the Homeless at church with some women.

She saw he was home when she entered the hallway as his boots and jacket and bag were there but the house was dark.

She checked his room first but when he wasn't there she checked the reading room and saw the warm light of a chimney fire so she entered the room and found him in his favourite place near the window.

He hadn't switched on the lights but Audrey turned on the small table lamp on the coffee table.

"Here you are."

"Yeah."

"I thought you were seeing Carrie."

"No. I was at work. Carrie's doing Christmas shopping, she said. Her sister came home today."

Audrey knew what Carrie was buying but of course she wouldn't tell. 

"Did you do your Christmas shopping yet?"

"Yeah."

"But you're not that excited about Christmas."

"I -", Quinn started and looked at her, "I do get you are all excited. Carrie too. For me, it's just not what it's for you, I guess."

Audrey was hoping she was doing the right thing when she phrased her next question. It was always a fine line with Quinn, but she knew he should learn to talk about his past, so she tried.

"When's the last time you celebrated?"

"Some of the places where I was - we did celebrate there. Last year at Flintstone. And sometimes before. Foster homes do. But it's not like what you do. Or-"

"Or like your grandma?"

He nodded and Audrey felt her heart aching.

"What did she cook for Christmas? Anything special?"

"Baked ham. Brussels sprouts. Potatoes."

"You liked that?"

He nodded again.

"Honey. Mustard. And cloves, I guess, right?"

"If cloves are the little black needles, yes."

"Did you get visitors for Christmas?"

"I remember my mom being there one year. And friends. But mostly it was just her and me."

"Quinn?"

"Yeah."

"You don't have to be excited about Christmas. I know it's been different for you. We all know that. You don't need to pretend. It's okay to feel like you feel."

"I don't wanna spoil it for you or the others. It's just - not to many good memories, I guess."

"I know."

Audrey reached out and touched his forearm for a short moment, hoping it wasn't too much but so glad for these minutes of him opening up. She wished she could make it up  
for him and give him the happy memories he deserved. But it didn't work like this and she knew that.

She was surprised when Quinn went on talking.

"Last Christmas I was allowed to call Carrie. For the first time since I was in the mountain quest program."

That had been his best Christmas memory in many years. So many weeks without talking to her and they'd only seen each other twice and yet she had been happy when he had called. She'd told him then that she'd visit him soon. He still remembered how he'd been awake for hours that evening, happy and sad at the same time.

"Carrie and you, it's remarkable what you went through together. So now you'll have a real Christmas with her."

"Yeah."

"What present did you get for her? You don't have to tell if you don't want", Audrey hurried to say.

"Theatre. She likes theatre. She wrote me about it when I was at Flintstone."

"That's a wonderful present. So you take her out to DC? What will you see?"

"Shakespeare. Midsummer Night's Dream."

"I bet she will love it. That's a lovely idea", Audrey said with a warm voice, once again deeply touched by her foster son's affectionate core.

They went to bed a little later and when Robert asked her the next morning if he should order the turkey Audrey told him they would have glazed ham this year.

\----------

It was great to have Maggie home. But with her father having vacation and Maggie being home for two more weeks it was suddenly difficult again to find some privacy for their time together. 

They went to the movies one night and spent an hour in the car in a remote parking lot, sharing kisses and breathless caresses.

The day before before Christmas Maggie was seeing Bill's family and Frank was doing some last minute shopping.

So they had the afternoon for themselves, and the night, as Quinn would sleep here.

Carrie was busy wrapping presents when Quinn arrived, Audrey had dropped him on her way to the airport where she was going to pick up Rebecca and her family, and so he sat on her bed and watched her while she finished, brimming with excitement and her cheeks red.

When she was done she looked up and found his eyes resting on her.

"I'm sorry", she said, walking over the few steps from her desk to him, "but I'm done now."

"That's okay. I don't mind waiting. We've got time now."

Carrie wound her arms around his neck and met him for kiss, short and playful first, and then on second thought another one, longer and lingering.

"That's good", she muttered against his lips, "I missed you."

"You saw me two days ago."

"So I missed you yesterday."

Quinn chuckled and pulled her closer, his hand on her back now.

"You had fun with Maggie yesterday?", he asked when they lay next to each other on Carrie's bed.

"Yes. She's been away for too long. We went to a holiday market near Smithonian American Art Museum. They had roasted chestnuts and mulled wine and all kinds of Christmas Decorations. We bought a new star, our old one lost a piece last year. Now we just have to convince Dad that it's okay to switch to a new one. What did you do? Sorry, I didn't call but we were only back after eleven, we had dinner and met some of Maggie's girlfriends for a Julklapp and-"

"What's that? Julklapp?"

"Like Secret Santa."

"Ah."

She was silent a moment and then came up on her elbow to look at him and he knew what was coming.

"You never did that? It's silly. Everyone buys a cheap present, you get a name before, and then people have to make a guess who gave them their present. It's really silly."

He knew she was downplaying it for him. She had enjoyed her day. She'd been happy and he cursed himself silently that he couldn't just let it happen, letting her tell and listening, couldn't be that hard.

"Hey. Quinn. Look at me. What is it? That I didn't call yesterday?"

"No. You said you wouldn't. It's just-", he decided for being honest with her, "everyone's happy and excited for the upcoming days."

"And you're not."

"Not as much as I should apparently."

His voice was low and quiet and Carrie slid closer, searching his hand.

"Hey. I know. I'm sorry."

"No. I want you to tell me about your day."

But Carrie sat up and went to her chest of drawers and lit the red candle she had placed there and then came back, curling next to him again.

"I told you about my day. Tell me about yours."

"I was working. And then home, reading."

For a moment, Carrie sensed a rift between them, although she was curled in his arm, and she hoped she could make him talk.

"Christmas' difficult."

"Yes", Quinn sighed.

"Bad memories?"

"Not many good ones."

"Want to tell me a good one?"

"Last year, when I was allowed to call you."

"That was a year from today."

"Yes. I knew it a few days before that I'd be allowed to call you for Christmas. I thought about you every night, trying not to expect too much. Because we hadn't talked since October. But I got all your letters that week. And so I knew I could hope you'd still be interested-"

"Interested?", Carrie breathed a laugh, "oh yeah, very much. Your call was the best Christmas present."

"You promised we'd be together this year for Christmas. And now we are", he stated quietly.

"I promised you this. I keep my promises."

Carrie leant up and kissed him and this time it wasn't a brief and elusive kiss but soon deepening, while her hands were finding their way under his sweater.

She got up once more to lock the door and close the curtains and they started undressing each other when she was back to the bed.

It was hours before the other members of the household would be back home so they indulged in taking their time together, pleasing each other with tender caresses and exploring their bodies anew.

The flickering candle was the only light in the room, but their hands and mouths knew by now how to find their way, how to map their bodies and how to please each other.

A year ago he hadn't even dared to say 'I love you' although his heart had been about to burst when he'd heard her voice telling him she'd missed him.

And now she was with him, was his since many months, and making love with her left him each and every time in awe.

He'd left Flintstone four months ago and being together like this was still wondrous and precious to them. He loved feeling how her body reacted, the sounds she made, the change of her breathing, that she got wet under his touch, for him, how her nipples tightened when he kissed them and how she arched her back when she wanted to be closer to him.

A few days ago Carrie had been on top the first time, straddling him, and the mental image still blew his mind whenever he thought about it.

But now she lay beneath him, her eyes locked with his, and he slowly entered her, knowing it would be a slow bout, slow movements inside her, her legs around him, her eyes never leaving his. 

They stilled for a moment when he was inside her and Carrie smiled, her eyes shining and her hands in his hair.

"I love being with you", Carrie whispered, "feeling you, touching you, having you inside me. I dreamt of you last night."

She slowly started rocking her hips and Quinn's breathing hitched which made her smile again while she did it again.

"What did you dream?"

"This. You and me."

"Tell me more", he whispered, in her ear now, his teeth tugging gently at her earlobe.

"Exactly this. You and me. The room's dark. We kiss. You undress me."

The thought of Carrie dreaming of their love making was utterly arousing and Quinn felt his breathing getting irregular but tried to keep his movements slow.

"What's next?"

"I undress you. You want to make love but I tell you to take it slow", Carrie's voice was soft and she gasped when he moved inside her.

"Slower than now?"

"No. Different. We don't do it right away. I kiss you", she paused for a meaningful moment, " _everywhere_."

The mental image her words created was nearly enough to make him come right away.

"You dreamt-", he was breathing louder now and moving faster, feeling Carrie going with him.

"I kissed you and... had you in my mouth and you liked it... in my dream", Carrie's breathing was louder now too, and he wanted to bring her there too, but it wouldn't take  
long now for him anymore.

"Was it a good dream? God, Carrie, I-"

She knew he would come very soon and she loved that she could do this to him, and that her dream and their love making gave him these sensations, and that he made her feel so loved and wanted. 

Sometimes when she lay in bed alone at night just thinking about him made her feel that longing and waking up last night in the middle of that dream had been _special_.

"It was a very good dream", she whispered and gave herself over to his faster thrusts now, feeling his hand moving between them to take her with him.

Quinn didn't still, kept moving, it was too good to stop and he felt Carrie tensing, feeling her coming while he was inside her was an incredible feeling and he whispered in her ear how much he loved her, how much he loved making love with her and felt his orgasm washing over him in waves, while Carrie held him tight and he felt those soft whimpers against his skin.

Finally they stilled, wrapped around each other, just holding each other, Carrie's blanket a ball at the end of the mattress, a sheen of sweat on their skin which made him feel a little cold.

Reluctantly Quinn finally detached, reached for the covers and settled next to Carrie, covering them both with the soft blanket. 

Carrie was in his arm again, her body pliant against his, her leg around his, and Quinn felt the soft skin of her back while his hand was gently following the curve of her spine.

"You think you'd like that?", Carrie asked after a while.

"Now?", he sounded incredulous.

"No", she breathed a laugh, "some other day. In general."

"In general", he mimicked her tone, "I think I'd find that very exciting."

"Oh, I see", Carrie teased him, feeling him getting half hard against her thigh again, "exciting."

Quinn flipped her on her back and they both laughed, Carrie squeezing his ass, and he kissed her, using his weight to press her into the mattress.

"I think there's nothing you could do I wouldn't find exciting. But this... well... if you would want to...", his voice trailed off while he nuzzled her neck.

"I want. One day. Soon."

"Hey", he kissed her again, more gentle now, "you decide that. But - I'd like to do the same then. If you want."

Carrie giggled.

"You ever did that before?", she asked, genuinely curious. Maggie had told _some_ things last night, after her second cup of mulled wine, but not _that_ much.

"No", he said and somehow Carrie felt relieved, "I haven't. But I'd like to, with you."

"So another first time at the cabin?", Carrie smiled, remembering what they'd shared there in summer and feeling a rush of excitement.

"Whatever you like and want. Consider me persuaded", Quinn replied and kissed her once more before whispering, in her ear now, "I love being with you."

\---------

They went downstairs for dinner some time later and decorated the tree with Maggie and Frank afterwards and Quinn found himself actually enjoying the evening. Bill came after dinner too and Frank opened a bottle of Champagne to celebrate the good life, as he phrased it.

So it was late when they went upstairs and to bed, since he'd moved to the Taylors he was always allowed to sleep in Carrie's room when he spend the night at the Matthison's house.

Carrie would drive him back early morning so he wouldn't miss the Christmas morning in his new home.

Frank was still listening to music, an organ concert, but they settled in Carrie's bed.

"Was that too much Christmas preparation?", Carrie asked when he leant back with a sigh.

"No. It's what you guys always did the night before Christmas and I like to be part of it."

"I like that you _are part_ of it. You - you never told me much about the foster home or... before. You could if you want. You know that, don't you?"

Quinn folded his arm behind his head and wrapped the other around Carrie's shoulder, considering to deflect her ask like he usually had done in the past.

But that didn't feel right now.

So he sighed and adjusted his position a little so he could place a kiss on her forehead.

"Most kids in foster care still have _someone_ to go to for holidays. They spent weekends with their parents or eventually might go  
back there one day. Christmas usually is one of those days when most kids go _somewhere_."

"But you didn't?", Carrie asked with a quiet voice.

"They didn't come. Two or three years they said they would. And then they didn't even promise it anymore."

He remembered how he thought that this was better than hoping, knowing right away it wasn't gonna happen.

And he remembered last year, the evening before Christmas, calling Carrie. How his call had meant something to her. And how important that had been for him.

Carrie was silent, but he felt her breathing on the neckline of his shirt. Her arm lay across his abdomen and her leg was locked around his knee.

A small human shelter. 

"So it's a few kids who stay in the foster homes over the holidays. Sometimes we had a tree. Usually some nicer dinner. Sometimes presents, depending on funding. One year I was in a place where the cook was an old lady, she had many grandchildren, and she knitted socks for all of us. And books, she gave us each a book from her husband's book shelf. He had died that year."

He knew he was trying to entertain her with the good stuff and that his memories were meager.

There wasn't much more to tell. One year he'd taken a bottle of whiskey from a convenience store downtown and had gotten shitfaced with three other boys. One year he'd spent Christmas Eve cruising around the city in a stolen car. That had brought him a night in the police station's arrest cell.

But that felt like a memory from another life.

"I just never understood how hard it was for them to see me, just once or twice a month or a few times throughout year", he stated quietly and with a flat voice, thinking that it was still surprisingly hard to talk about it, "I mean I never, dunno, did anything horrible when I was with them. I pulled a lot of shit, later, but not in the beginning, when I was a kid."

"I know", Carrie whispered, close to his ear now, cupping his cheek with one hand to make him turn towards her, "none of this was your fault."

She looked into his eyes now, hoping she could convey how much he meant to her.

"None of this was your fault. I know it's hard."

And then she closed her eyes and kissed him, gentle and soft, but lingering, broke the kiss for a moment to whisper "I love you" and kissed him again.

"It's them. They are in the wrong here. Not you. It's not right what they did to you."

"I know. It's just so fucking hard sometimes."

"I know."

They lay in a close embrace now again, and Quinn let himself feel the comfort having Carrie so close gave him. This was all the past. This wasn't his life anymore.

Right now and here he focused on Carrie stroking his arm and snuggling herself into his side.

"How about you? How was Christmas when your mom was still here?"

Carrie took a moment to answer his question, she tried not to think to often about her mother and her absence and the radio silence. But it was his right to ask this question, she thought, and he had given her an honest answer too.

"Pretty much the same. It was always Dad who made things special. Like today, opening the Champagne a day early, just because he feels this is the moment he wants to celebrate."

"He's good at that. Your Dad's great."

"He is. Always was. She-", Quinn noticed she was avoiding the words mom or my mother, "- was often annoyed by Dad's behaviour. The music late at night, his jokes, church every Sunday. But she did the baking. We used to have gingerbread and Irish cakes with dry fruits and whiskey. And it felt more - _complete_ maybe?"

"Yeah. I get that."

"But you know, most of all I'm sad for my Dad. I mean, he never says anything, but he's alone now. Left behind. And that's not what he deserves."

"No, you're right. But wanna know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think he's very happy to have you and Maggie. And very proud."

"Maybe."

"He is. Believe me."

"Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever meet someone else. Or if there is just one person in his life. Or if maybe she just wasn't _that_ person for him."

"Would you like him to meet someone else?"

"I want him to be happy. That's all."

"I think if he meets the right person they'll just connect and he'll know. But right now, to me, he doesn't seem to be not happy."

"You know, sometimes I think he's maybe even relieved. I mean, that sounds awful, and I _know_ it was horrible for him. But relieved that he's not a constant disappointment anymore. They didn't fight much. But they weren't happy. And she was so often annoyed by what he did or said or not said."

"That must be difficult", Quinn added.

"And now as she's gone he can just be like he wants to be. Late night concerts, Orioles games, ranting about politics, mediocre jokes, all that. But still it's wrong that she just walked away."

"It is."

There was nothing else to add. It was wrong. Both his parents and Carrie's mom were in the wrong.

"Quinn?"

"What?"

"This is not gonna happen to us, right? We'll never just walk away."

"I couldn't, Carrie. And I won't."

He pulled Carrie a little upwards and turned on his side to face her in the almost dark room.

"That's a promise."

"I know", Carrie said quietly, "I won't either."

They fell asleep a while later, Quinn spooning Carrie from behind, one hand under the soft fabric of her pajamas, their legs entwined.

\--------------

Carrie woke him up early in the morning, whispering "Merry Christmas" in his ear and he wondered if Christmas would ever get any better than this, Carrie with him under a warm blanket, the rest of the house still asleep.

"Do we need to go right now?", he muttered sleepily.

"No, we have an hour left, it's just six."

"Good. Because I want a Christmas present right now."

He heard the smile in her voice when she answered and he knew his wish would be granted when he felt her warm naked skin under his fingers, as she pulled her shirt over her head and slowly moved her hands beneath the fabric of his shirt.

"Santa's generous this year", she smiled as his hands started to explore the landscape of her body, warm and soft after a night of being snuggled with him under a thick blanket.

Their love making was slow and sleepy, their very own precious moments of the day, and afterwards Carrie lay for a few minutes longer in his arms, eyes closed, their foreheads touching.

"I love you", she whispered and he thought that this was the very best moment of the day.

But he was in for a surprise.

They had coffee at the kitchen counter, there had been more snow over night and now it started snowing again.

"We can build a snowman when we come back from church tonight", Carrie said and he thought that seeing her happy made him happy.

They left soon after Quinn had shoveled the snow from the driveway, Carrie had used the time to start building her snowman and throwing snowballs after him and was brimming with joy and had flushed cheeks when she sat in the driver's seat.

It was nearly 7.30 when Carrie pulled into the driveway of the Taylor's house which lay quiet with a thick layer of snow in the garden and on the roof.

There were no lights in the kitchen yet, just one window at the first floor was illuminated. Probably the baby was already awake, Quinn thought as he leant over to kiss Carrie goodbye.

But Carrie was unbuckling her seatbelt and climbing out of the car and so he did the same, maybe she wanted a real hug.

And then everything happened at the same time. Carrie came around the car and the door opened and a small furry bundle trundled outside, large paws, floppy ears, wagging tail, brown eyes and fur, immediately in a hopeless fight with Quinn's shoelaces, and every member of the Taylor family in including baby Nelly was there too.

Carrie bent down with him and gently detached the shepdog puppy from his shoes and handed it to him. While the puppy licked and nibbled his hands she fondled the little one's ears.

"His name's Murphy. He's yours."

And then everyone was there, laughing, hugging, wishing Merry Christmas, patting the dog's little head and Quinn didn't know what to say but hug back, it was overwhelming.

Audrey was last and she gave him a tight hug too.

"It was Carrie's idea. But we liked the idea a lot. She said you had one when you were a kid."

Quinn muttered "Thank you" and bent down, pretending to be busy with Murphy's ears but swallowing around a lump in his throat. A persistent one.

"Come in when you're ready", Audrey told him and then to Carrie, "I'll call your Dad to tell him you'll be a little late, I guess Murphy needs a short walk." And then she shushed everyone else inside, feeling a surge of happiness when she recalled her foster son's expression when he'd lifted the little dog for the first time.

She and Robert had been convinced rather quickly when Carrie had mentioned the idea in late autumn and now it seemed like it indeed had been a great idea.

Carrie went back to the car and opened the trunk. She had a leash and a large dog pillow there, with a huge ribbon around it.

"It's more for him than for you. But I chose him."

"You're unbelievable. He's perfect. C'mere."

"Wait."

Carrie gently tied the harness and leash around Murphy's neck and chest and laughed when he started biting and circle chasing the leash.

"Now", she beamed with happiness as she looked up to Quinn and he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and briefly kissed her, well aware of the kitchen window in his back.

They made a short stroll down the street, Murphy orbiting around them, constantly entangled with his leash or at war with Quinn's shoelaces.

"He's more or less housetrained but that's pretty much all", Carrie explained, "he'll need some training but I thought a real puppy would be much more cute, even if he's a bit more work in the beginning."

"How old is he? Hey, Murphy, stop that. C'mere. Wait. No, no biting."

Carrie giggled at his attempt to keep Murphy away from his shoes.

"He's eleven weeks. Robert picked him up yesterday while you were with me. We chose him nearly six weeks ago. He was a little shy in the beginning but then he climbed my lap and nibbled my fingers and didn't wanna let me go."

"Clever boy. He'll be jealous when he learns that you are mine."

"He'll get used to it. Dad said we are allowed to bring him to the cabin and our house too. And Audrey and Robert said they'll do the walks when you are staying with me for the weekend. Or you bring him along."

"You thought of everything, didn't you?"

Carrie smiled, obviously very pleased with herself.

"Any complaints?"

"Not a single one. Just about tonight-"

"That's settled. You pick us up for church and then you and I'll sleep here tonight instead of at my place. He", she gently fondled Murphy's head, "shouldn't be without you right away. He's not allowed in your bed though. Audrey said so and I agree", Quinn loved her stern voice about that matter, it was kinda cute, "but he gets the alcove next to your room, so he's close."

"Yeah, and who knows what he might see in our bedroom?", Quinn teased her, pulling her in for a kiss.

Carrie had to leave soon after but he went inside feeling better than he'd ever expected to feel on a Christmas Day.

And it was okay. More than that. And he had Murphy as excuse for retreating outside for a walk when he needed a break, like the moment when he noticed what Audrey was preparing for lunch, glazed ham with cloves, brussel sprouts and potatoes. 

So he scooped Murphy up and stepped in the kitchen where Audrey just checked the temperature of the oven.

He muttered "Thank you. For everything" with a tight brief hug and left before Audrey could answer. But a moment later she found herself tearing up.

"What is it, honey? Need help?", asked Robert who stepped into the kitchen, finding his wife drying her eyes, "oh, c'mere. What's that about?"

"Nothing. It just feels so perfect now that I wanna pinch myself. Baby Nelly - we're grandparents, can you believe it? - all kids here, you and me and Quinn... he is so happy with that little dog. Did you see his face when he learnt he's his?"

"Probably it's not just the dog. But months of your silent determination too."

"I just want him to have a home and a family."

"I know. And I think he does too. And if it takes a puppy to cement that, well, I like dogs."

They both laughed, decades of a shared life being a strong and indestructible bond between them.

"C'mon _grandma_ , let's toast to the good life", Robert teased his wife and took a bottle of champagne from the fridge before leading Audrey back to the living room.

\------------------

Late that night Quinn lay in his bed, Carrie next to him, Murphy on his pillow outside but the door slightly ajar so he would hear him in case he needed a quick walk.

"That's okay that we leave the door open?"

"Yes. As long as we don't have to do this every night", Carrie joked.

"No. But he shouldn't feel alone."

"That's fine. I knew what I was into when I suggested getting a dog", Carrie laughed.

"I can't believe you came up with this and Audrey and Robert just agreed."

"But they did. Get used to the good stuff in your life."

"I try. You're all very persistent", was Quinn's reply, but with a smile.

Carrie felt happy. It had been a good day. First celebrating with her Dad and Maggie and then Quinn had been surprisingly early at their house, just after dinner, so they'd had two hours with her family before they all left for church. She'd teared up during a quiet moment alone in the kitchen, being angry with herself for missing Ellen, but Maggie had found her there and had given her a tight silent hug and then the moment had passed.

After church they'd dropped Frank and Maggie at home and had driven to Bethesda where Murphy had been waiting for a late night walk.

They'd built a snowman in the park, almost at midnight, and it had felt perfect.

And while musing about their first real Christmas together Carrie drifted off into sleep.

\------------------

Carrie woke up at the middle of the night, noticing the bed next to her was empty. Just when she turned around to go back to sleep Quinn slid back under the cover, and she noticed he was cold from being outside.

"He needed a short walk."

"At 3 am."

"Yeah, we gotta work on that one."

He enveloped Carrie, she protested because of his cold hands but then stopped wiggling and soon later they were asleep again, not noticing the furry bundle sneaking into the room and curling up in front of their bed with a sigh before the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After 6.12 I needed to go back here and indulge in purely happy stuff.
> 
> So this is a bonus chapter and there will be one more chapter coming soon.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year at the cabin, just Carrie and Quinn. Oh, and the new puppy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been a while. But I am back now.

Quinn and Carrie went to the cabin for a full week. They left three days after Christmas, just the two of them and puppy Murphy. 

Audrey thought the little dog had facilitated a real breakthrough. He followed Quinn everywhere through the house and it was too cute how he always tried to bite his shoelaces, pant legs or socks. They'd never seen Quinn smiling so often like in these few days.

They allowed him to go with Carrie to the cabin for a full week because they knew how important it was for him. But Audrey was glad that he stayed home the three evenings before they left, and spent time with their family. Carrie was there one afternoon and they went for a walk with Murphy, but Quinn drove her home after dinner and came back home about an hour later whistling from the door to take Murphy for a short walk before the puppy's bedtime.

The two of them were up early in the mornings, Quinn insisted that taking Murphy for walks was solely his task, and Audrey smiled when she saw him coming up the driveway again, Murphy orbiting around his ankles, while she prepared breakfast.

One morning she heard Quinn talking to Rebecca who was already downstairs with her baby. They were talking about books, and Quinn told her how much he'd liked _Catcher in The Rye_ , a book which Becky had liked a lot as teen. It was a mundane scene, the tall dark haired boy sitting in the kitchen with her daughter, a grown up woman now with a child of her own, sipping coffee and herbal tea, the baby sleeping in her mom's arm and Murphy dozing curled up in a corner - and yet it made Audrey's heart swell with joy.

Quinn and Carrie missed having more time with each other but had agreed on spending much of their time with their respective families before they left - they had a full week ahead of them.

But Quinn stopped by the night before they left, Carrie was in the kitchen doing the dishes when she saw the familiar car pulling up the curb and his tall frame unfolding from the driver seat. She went outside to meet him at the front porch, Murphy circling her feet and legs right away.

"What are you guys doing here?"

She got up, a smile on her face, and leant in for a quick kiss.

"Just sayin' good night."

Quinn pulled her closer, his hand at the back of her neck now, and kissed her once more, not just a short peck but a proper kiss.

When they broke apart Quinn rubbed Carrie's upper arms, noticing she was cold.

"You two have time to come in for a while? It's cold."

"No. Board games evening," Quinn shrugged and sounded apologetic, "so we just sneaked away for the park and thought nobody would notice a quick detour. But we gotta leave in five."

He got out of his parka while talking and wrapped it around Carrie's shoulders to keep her warm.

"Five minutes," Carrie whispered and pulled him around the corner to the side of the house, out of the neighbors' view, and kissed him again, her arms wrapped around his waist now.

Ten minutes later they reluctantly parted and Quinn walked her back to the front door, bent down for a last brief kiss and then took his parka away from her shoulders.

"I'll pick you up at ten tomorrow," Carrie promised, bent down to fondle Murphy's ears and then she scooped up the puppy, who took the chance and enthusiastically licked her hand, and handed him to Quinn.

"A whole week," she smiled with bright eyes and squeezed his hand, and then she turned and went back inside, watching him leaving from the kitchen window.

\----------------

In hindsight the days at the cabin were the happiest days he'd ever had. A last few days of the carefree life he'd slowly learnt to appreciate.

The long period of cold weather had brought lots of snow and when they arrived, the cabin and its surroundings looked like a winter wonderland, the roof and trees covered with snow, the ground covered with a thick layer of snow as well.

Keeping the cabin, originally built as summer house, warm required plenty of fire wood and de-icing the water tubes regularly. Several times one of them had to climb the roof and swipe the snow down so it didn't get too heavy. They spent their days going on long walks, reading and catching up on some homework, they cooked, simple meals, but making them together was fun, and of course there was Murphy who made them laugh each and every time when he ran out into the snow just to make an abrupt stop when his paws got cold and wet.

The dog slept on his cushion close to the fireplace, and sometimes - when they needed the living room for themselves - they moved his dog pillow into the second bedroom.

It was the first time that they had so many days and nights in a row just for the two of them, and not having to retreat into the seclusion of Carrie's bedroom or an empty remote parking spot for their time _together_ was a great gift.

Sometimes Carrie thought this was when Quinn _knew_ he was loved, when she gave herself to him and they made love and she held him afterwards.

They enjoyed the time they had now for exploring and for using the freedom they had here. With no family around it didn't matter what time they went to bed or got up, whether they made love in the living room after lunch or spent hours cuddling and fooling around in front of the fire place late at night.

One night, Carrie started tickling and teasing him while they were doing the dishes, wrapping her arms around his waist from behind and pressing herself against his back. She then pressed an open mouthed kiss against his nape, laughing when he sighed. 

"You want more?," she whispered, bringing her hands to his buttons and slowly undoing the two top ones, "Maybe you'll get a reward for cooking dinner and doing the dishes."

Quinn felt her hands slipping under his shirt and caressing his abdomen but she stopped when he lowered the plate he was holding to the counter top.

"No no no, finish what you're doing. I'll make it your worth while," she giggled, her hand now trailing the waistband of his boxers.

So he obliged, thinking that he better should not drop that plate now when she slowly lowered her hand and started palming him, growing hard under her touch.

And then she stopped again.

"You're not focusing on the dishes," she giggled.

"Tell me how," he mock complained, letting a half exasperated groan when she withdrew her hand.

She was back with him when he stretched to place the plates in the kitchen shelf over the sink, her hand sneaking around his waist and under his shirt again, while her other hand slipped into the back of his boxers, cupping his ass.

This time he knew better and just stood still, loving the surge of excitement he felt when she slowly moved her hand over his hipbone and along his groin. She paused for a brief moment, her fingers travelling a little deeper, and then he felt her hand closing around him.

Carrie enjoyed the feeling of him hard in her hand, smooth skin under her fingers, and his suppressed sigh when she started moving her hand just a little.

"You like that? How about that?" and her hand went deeper and then around his balls, softly playing with them.

"Carrie..." he sighed, torn between his wish to turn around and lift her up and bring her to couch or to just stay here, like this, and let her finish whatever she had in mind, as long as it included her hands in his pants.

It wasn't that they hadn't had often sex, usually most times when they saw each other, or at least some very pleasant hours of snuggling and kissing, but these days here, without the limitations of living in busy households and the risk of getting overheard, were _different_.

Carrie swiftly unbuttoned the remaining buttons of his jeans, shoved them down his legs, and then she pressed herself against his back again, her hands returning beneath the fabric of his boxers.

He was aching for more, but her touch was tantalizingly soft and slow, more a tickle than anywhere near to being satisfactory. She giggled when he sighed and tried to catch her hand playfully.

"Close your eyes."

He did and her hands were gone but he felt her moving behind his back and then in front of him, lifting his shirt and pulling it over his head and then she lowered his boxers, his eyes were still closed when she stepped closer, her arms came around his neck and she leant in and pulled him down into a kiss, both of them completely undressed and naked now.

Imagining Carrie undressing behind his back, being naked now in his arms, was hot as hell. Quinn kept his eyes closed, allowing himself to feel Carrie's warm slender form pressed against him as his hand trailed down her spine to her ass while their kiss deepened and got more urgent.

He took a step forward, guiding her backwards with his body, and then one more step until she was backed against the kitchen counter.

"You are incredible," he whispered, completely smitten. When he broke the kiss and lifted her up, her legs went around his waist and she laughed.

"We need to make the best out of this week."

"No complaints from my side."

He placed her on the kitchen counter, they were kissing again, she gently bit his lower lip, her hands went down and around him again, building a cadence now which would make it difficult to resist for much longer.

He told her so, his voice a little unstable, his hands around her breasts now, kneading them and running his thumbs over her nipples.

Carrie looked at him, right into his eyes, when she answered and suggested to stay right here.

"Here?"

"Here. Kitchen counter. Now," she laughed, probably about his dumbfounded expression.

But then she leant in again to kiss him, a passionate and urgent kiss, and reached down to guide him to her entrance, leaning back when he slowly pushed inside.

Moving slowly was all he could do not to come right away. Carrie braced herself on her elbows and her eyes locked with his as her hips started raising in countermotion to his thrusts.

His hands were around her waist to hold her in place, and pulling her closer with each stroke was blowing his mind. He couldn't help it but had to look down, watching himself easing into her, and then his eyes flew up again, to her face, and seeing that she enjoyed this as much as he did added to the immense pleasure he felt.

He gathered her in his arms, her face buried against his shoulder now, and when his hand went between her legs and started fondling her there, she made those sounds he was longing for and whispered his name. 

Their last thrusts were fast and urgent, he held her at the corner of the countertop and drove into her, his thumb still with her, and when she clenched around him and he felt her body bucking in his arms he was there too.

 

They were both panting heavily and he held her clutched to his chest, waiting their shivers out.

When he moved away from her, he lifted her up and carried her over to the living room where they spent the rest of the evening snuggling under a blanket on the couch, enjoying each other proximity in the secluded serenity of the cabin, until Murphy needed his late night stroll through the wintery forest.

 

But the best part was spending so many nights together. Falling asleep next to each other, finding each other again in their sleep, feeling each other just inches away. 

Murphy needed to get outside early in the mornings and so Quinn got up when the dog rose and scratched at the door, letting Carrie sleep in.

He loved those mornings outside, the air crisp and cold, the forest still dark, each step causing the ground to crack and creak. Usually they walked for a good hour at a fast pace, he wanted Murphy to get used to the long walk in the early morning before school would start again in January. 

When they came back, he stripped away his clothes and jumped into the ice cold lake, like it had been his routine in Flintstone. The water was so cold that it took away his breath and felt like million needles cutting through his skin, making him feel alive and euphoric. He could only stand it for a few seconds and then he ran out of the lake and along the path up to the cabin where Murphy got his breakfast and then curled up near the fireplace.

Then it was time for him to crawl back into bed with Carrie, she gasped when his cold skin made contact and he wrapped himself around her but allowed him to warm up again under her blanket.

Sometimes they fell back asleep then - and sometimes not.

They never got up before the sun rose which was late in the mornings, now in late December.

Usually they had coffee in bed then, taking turns in getting up and preparing it.

Carrie loved this morning routine, and often caught herself smiling when she thought that it might be just like this in a few years from now. And that thought felt good.

They spent New Year’s Eve outside on the small pier, snuggled in one sleeping bag and watching the stars. They’d found a bottle of red wine in the pantry and each had a glass with them, drinking a sip every now and then. Without a watch they deliberately decided not to know when it was midnight but just to stay outside as long as they weren't too tired or cold.

They saw two shooting stars and Carrie told Quinn to make a wish.

“I don't have one.”

“Spoilsport. There has to be something.”

“No," his voice had a serious tone now, “there's nothing. Only that I wouldn't wanna change a single thing. I just want to keep what I have right now.”

“That's all?”

“That's a lot," his voice was quiet now, “it's the most I ever had. Sometimes I think one morning I’ll wake up and I’ll be back in Baltimore JDC and this here was all a dream.”

“That won't happen. It's real. Very real.”

“I know," Carrie heard him smiling now, “but still - it's… I just want to keep _this_.”

“Well, as far as I am concerned… it's a given. You won't get rid of me easily.”

Her smile lightened the mood.

“I never had that. Making plans on New Year’s Eve.”

“I know," her hand cupped his cheek and she lifted her head to look at him,  
“but maybe it's time to get used to it. That these are the good times now.”

“I won't ever take it for granted," he looked up to her, right into her eyes, “cause Hong Kong was… a close call… but ever since then… let's just say I don't mind being grateful for what I have now. And I’ll never take you for granted.”

“You have me. And I learnt my lesson," thinking back to their fight earlier that month still hurt, he saw it in her eyes, “I won’t-”

“Hey," he interrupted her, his hand caressing her back now, “stop that. If it’s anybody's fault, it was mine. Not yours. And it won't ever happen again. C’mere.”

He pulled her back to rest in the crook of his elbow, exhaling slowly when she kissed the skin below his ear, just the right spot.

“And now you. What's your wish?”

“This here. You. To keep what we have," she paused for a beat, “and a year without a manic episode.”

There wasn't much he could reply to that wish, so he just pulled her close and kissed her forehead, hoping to convey that her condition didn't change a single thing for him.

“Do you remember when we went up to the stream in Flintstone?," Carrie interrupted his train of thought.

“Sure I do. Why?”

“I just thought that back then, would you’ve dared to think we’d be here, together, on New Year's Eve, just you and me?”

“And Murphy.”

That earned him a short laugh, breathed against his neck, a warm tickle.

“And Murphy, yes. Although Murphy’s a good puppy and already hunting shoelaces in his dreams.”

“I had stopped having dreams and ambitions until I met you," Quinn's voice was quiet now, “I had no idea where to turn to and how to carry on. But when we started going up to the stream I wanted all of this, and although I had no idea how to make it happen - knowing that you were there, believing that I could do this… So even if I didn't think about New Years and had no idea about your cabin here, I was hoping for us to last.”

He shifted to his side so he could see her. 

“Me too.”

And with that, Carrie leant in, whispered “Happy New Year” and kissed him, starting tenderly but soon growing into a passionate and ardent kiss.

Quinn rolled on his back and pulled her on top of him, his hands searching and finding warm and smooth skin under her thick sweater while they kept that kiss going. 

Carrie felt him beneath her, adjusting the position of his hips with a short wiggle, his tongue parting her lips and meeting hers, and wanted to melt into him when his hands went into the back of her pants, large and warm and promising.

She loved to feel his strength, how he pressed her against him, or when he lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom or couch, and their love making on the kitchen counter just a few days ago had blown her mind, because it had been _different_. 

Feeling his hands around her ass, pressing her against him, slowly starting to rock her hips, made her shiver with anticipation.

But she had different plans.

So she broke the kiss with a sigh and came up on her elbows, her legs still straddling Quinn.

He looked up at her with a confused expression, and Carrie giggled and bent down to place a brief kiss on his lips.

“Don't look so disappointed. Come inside with me.”

She nestled herself out of the sleeping bag and watched Quinn unfolding his long limbs and coming into a standing position and wrapped her arms around his waist then to kiss him again, her lips slightly open now, her tongue teasing him for the briefest moment.

“I’m guessing you won't regret it.”

She started walking towards the cabin but didn't come far as Quinn caught her and held her close, breathing a laugh into her hair.

“You are a big tease.”

Lifting her up he placed her upside down over his shoulder, ignoring her laughed protest and her fists peppering his back, his hands holding her in a tight grip.

Murphy just blinked when they entered the cabin with a breeze of cold air and curled up the other way around.

 _Good dog_ , Quinn thought and made a mental note to himself to reward his little friend with an extra treat in the morning.

He released Carrie once they were in their bedroom and carefully dropped her on the bed where she lay flat on her back then. Crawling on top of her, his knees left and right of her hips, he smiled down at her and took her in, how she lay sprawled on the comforter, a beautiful smile curling the corners of her mouth, her eyes shining warm and full of love.

“Happy New Year," he said softly and closed the distance between them, his mouth meeting hers for a kiss which didn't stop for a long time.

He loved when she was teasing him, pulling away when he would have deepened the kiss, her tongue slowly invading his mouth, circling around his tongue, her teeth gently biting his lower lip, returning to kissing him just gently and tender when his breathing got faster and he pressed himself closer to her.

It was a while later when they both kneeled on the bed and were slowly undressing each other, kissing the skin they revealed and enjoying how they could please and cherish each other with their hands and lips.

Carrie’s rosé nipples were already firm and erect when Quinn gently opened her bra, eased the cups away and let the tips of his fingers brush over them, just an elusive touch which made her shiver and smile.

“Why is it always so good when you’re touching me?," Carrie sighed with a smile in her voice, leaning her head back to allow him to nuzzle the delicate skin of neck while his hand was cupping one breast now and slowly kneading it.

“I don't know. It's just that I can't get enough of you.”

“Do you remember what I told you the day before Christmas?”

Carrie's hand was easing down his briefs and came to rest on his ass once he’d kicked them away.

“What part exactly?" he investigated, an exciting thought building at the back of his mind.

“You have the worst poker face ever," Carrie laughed and nudged her hand against his sternum to make him lie back.

He pulled her with him and she came to land on top of him, her eyes locked with his.

“I _know_ you remember.”

His fingers wove through her long hair and his hand came to rest at the back of her neck in a tender gesture.

“Of course I remember. Just look at me. How could I forget that?”

“You have to promise not to laugh if it's weird or not good.”

“Carrie," he pulled her into the curve between his neck and shoulder and placed a kiss on her temple, his breathing still heavy, “I would never do that.”

“I know," she mumbled against his skin, “I’d like to try. Now. If you want that.”

“If _you_ want that. Only then.”

Carrie raised onto her knees and moved down between his legs, her hands resting on his hips, giving him a long once over before she giggled and smoothed her hair back to her nape and held it there in a ponytail. Then she bent down and placed a soft kiss on his lower abdomen and another one a little deeper, and one more. She felt his hair tickling her skin and moved one hand down to smooth it flat, with average success, then she caressed his length with her other hand, a soft stroke, hesitantly, before she placed a tentative kiss on the smooth stretched skin, elusive and soft with her lips closed.

Quinn heard her taking a deep breath and wondered if he should say something or should look at her or touch her but then he felt her lips again, slightly open now, he held his breath, and then she slowly took him in her mouth.

It was warm, wet and snug and he had to close his eyes and steady his breath as it felt so good. She moved a little deeper, he felt his cock against her lips and her tongue and the mental image this created in his head blew his mind. Then she moved back a little, cool air against wet skin now, took another deep breath and took him in again, her tongue touching the head of his cock now. Quinn dared to raise his head and to look at her, she was crouched between his legs, supporting herself on her elbows, her hair a curtain which covered her face and she slowly moved her head, each movement causing a jolt of pleasure rushing through him.

It felt incredible, knowing that Carrie did this for him adding to the immense arousal he felt.

Carrie moved slowly, trying to find a way to keep breathing while holding him in her mouth and to swallow her increasing amount of spit without causing him discomfort. But hearing his moans, softly first and then increasingly louder and longer, made her feel a pleasant tingle between her legs and she tried to find out what he liked best by listening closely to his breathing.

After a while she had to rest her mouth, her cheeks were hurting, Maggie had mentioned that, but it really hurt, and when she looked up to Quinn’s face she saw his pupils were widely dilated and the sheets were a mess where he held the fabric in his fists.

“So it's not too bad I guess," she said softly, a little smug and proud of herself, as she crawled on top of him and kissed him, wondering if he would taste that salty taste now on her tongue.

“Fuck no. Not at all," he sighed, canting his hips against her.

“I’ll be back there soon. Just a short break.”

He didn't answer, just kissed her again, his hands roaming over her ass and back.

“Help me a bit, will you?," Carrie asked when she came up on her knees again.

“How?” He looked sweetly confused and dazed.

“Tell me when it's good. So I can keep doing that.”

“Kay," was all he was able to utter because she was back doing what she'd done before, and when she started moving around him, up and down, just to the very top and then down again, he moaned “this” and knew it would be his undoing.

Carrie noticed how he writhed each and every time when the head of his cock came in contact with her tongue and so she tried to make that moment longer, so much wanting this to be good for him. She was surprised how much she _liked_ it, how hot it was to feel and hear him unraveling and having him completely and utterly spent because she did this for him. She’d found a rhythm now he seemed to enjoy a lot, his hips were moving and he was moaning her name, his hand cupping her cheek now, and then he went almost too deep, she pulled back just as his hand went to her forehead and held her back, just in time. He came that moment, pumping his release sticky and milky all over his abdomen as he groaned and clenched one hand into her shoulder.

His fingers were entangled in her hair again when he pulled her to lie next to him and buried his face in the soft curve of her neck where she waited for his breathing to calm down again.

“Sorry. The end came rather quickly," were the first words he said a few moments later.

That made her chuckle and she wrapped her arms around him.

“I guess that meant it wasn't too bad, right?”

“Are you kidding?" Quinn sighed, coming up to look at her, deciding that more words were too much of a hassle and collapsing into her again.

Holding her as close as he could was the least he could do right now, while he was still trying to reconnect his brain.

He was wondering if she'd allow him to do the same for her, a thought he’d found utterly exciting when he’d recalled the memory of their Christmas morning during the evenings after Christmas, when he was alone at night in his bed.

“You broke my brain, you know that, right?," he whispered after a while, caressing her back now with soft strokes.

“So good?”

“Different. And yes, _very_ good.”

“Better than making love?”

“No. Just different.”

“Would you want me to do it again sometimes?”

“Are you offering?”

Carrie laughed, a sweet sound, just above his ear.

“Yes, I think I’m offering. I liked it.”

“You did?," he was genuinely curious now, “What did you like?”

Carrie paused for a moment, searching for the right words.

“Knowing that this is what it is between you and me. That I am the _one_ person who can do this for you. Feeling how much you enjoyed it. And maybe- Being in control. All of that, I think.”

“Being in control - I see," that part of her answer made him chuckle, but also  
he admired her honesty.

“Yes. That, and… it was exciting to hear and feel _how much_ you liked it.”

Quinn shifted and turned, placing Carrie on her back, now it was him looking down to her.

“I’d like to try now," his finger caressed her cheek and then her chin and neck, “how it feels for you.”

Her slender body was splayed on their bed now and he took a moment to look at her and to discover her soft curves anew, with his eyes and his hands, mapping her body and touching her just the way he knew she liked.

He started licking and sucking one of her nipples, teasing her, and was surprised by her reaction, how fast her breathing got ragged. His hand slowly trailed along her thighs and when he dipped between her legs he found her already wet and wanting.

“Just because of what you did to me?" he whispered, in awe about his discovery and then moved between her knees and gently parted her legs with his hands.

He started kissing and caressing the inner side of her thighs, excited about what was going to happen soon, slowly moving upwards. Carrie opened her legs for him a little further when his hand reached out and he gently parted her lips with two fingers, his mind blown away by the intimacy of it.

He slowly circled with his index finger around her entrance, knowing that this would make her crave for more, and then moved a little forward and replaced the finger with his tongue.

Carrie gasped and jerked and he immediately stopped and came up to look at her.

“No? You alright?”

She giggled as her arm went over her eyes, he didn't know if she was embarrassed or aroused, or both probably.

But then she came up on her elbows and looked at him.

“I am alright. _Very_ much. It's just - intense. And new.”

“Want me to keep going?”

She nodded, shy now.

So he sat up and reached out to pull her close, cradling her in his arms.

“Hey. You gave me something wonderful. And I’d like to do the same for you. Just relax, right? I’d really like to do this. But you have to tell me what you like or don't like. I want this to be good for you.”

He lay back, Carrie in his arm now and his hand slowly traveled between her legs again, cupping her and then gently stimulating her with his fingers, the way he knew she liked.

Carrie relaxed and snuggled closer, once more opened her legs for him, and enjoyed the pleasure she was feeling.

When her breathing accelerated, he let go of her and moved between her legs again, mirroring his movements from earlier as he parted her lips and gently caressed the soft wetness he found there.

This time he held her hips when he leant in and started moving his tongue over the sensitive skin around her entrance, and Carrie’s hitched breathing and her hand which came into his hair told him he was doing the right thing so he kept doing it.

He felt her hips surging under his hands and loosened his grip so Carrie could move the way she wanted, trying to calibrate his own movements to what he hoped she might like.

When he touched her clit for the first time she moaned and shivered and then he found a sensitive spot right next to it, which made her clench her fingers into his hair and exhaling a sweet whimper. So this was where he stayed, using his tongue and lips now, feeling himself getting aroused again as Carrie's breathing got faster and louder, her fingers pulling his hair now. She started rolling her hips with short movements, he was mesmerized by her sounds and her uninhibited desire, and when he lapped around her small bud, more quickly now, Carrie started shivering and whimpered his name. Quinn stilled, waiting out her bliss, his mouth still there, just a soft touch now and then she pulled him away, while she was still panting.

Carrie rolled on her side and curled her back, pulling up her knees, and so he spooned her from behind, his arm wrapped around her waist, feeling her last few shivers as he held her close, inhaling her scent and placing a kiss on her nape, his lips open so he could taste the salty sheen on her skin.

His own breathing slowly calmed down again, and so did his heartbeat, while he held Carrie and softly caressed her arm. Carrie melted into him, enjoying the last waves of what had been so intense, feeling so loved and cherished.

Never before had their love making ever been so much about the sheer physical pleasure, she thought. Usually it was sharing closeness, being emotionally close, making _love_ , expressing their feelings. Even if she sometimes hadn't come, it had been good because it was a way to show what they were for each other. But today, when Quinn had started kissing her between her legs, she'd been overwhelmed with the intensity of the pleasure and arousal she’d felt and how _good_ it had been.

She thought that Quinn enjoyed it too, subconsciously she felt him hard against her buttock and felt his heart hammering in his chest against her back, and somehow that made her smile.

After a while she turned and snuggled into his embrace, thinking she couldn't be close enough now.

“Hey," he whispered, a apparent smile in his voice, “are you back?”

“Mmmmh.”

“So not really. C’mere.”

So they just lay there, Carrie pliant in his arms, breathing against his skin, the morning was still many hours away.

After a while Carrie was the first to speak again.

“What do you think?”

“Oh Carrie”, he breathed a laugh, “not much right now. Just that this blew my mind and that I love you. That's enough?”

“I think so.”

“And you?”

“That it was good. Very good.”

“Would you like me to do it again?”

“Now?”

She sounded genuinely shocked, so he chuckled again.

“No. In general.”

“Ah. Good. Yes. I think, I want that.”

Quinn rolled her on her back, framing her between his elbows and looked at her, for a moment lost for words, so he just bent his head and kissed her, parting her lips with his tongue for a kiss, hoping she would feel what he felt.

When they parted he kissed her eyelids, forehead and cheeks, slowly starting to move forward, and whispered in her ear with a hoarse voice.

“Say no, if it's too much. But I’d really like to be inside you now.”

Carrie kept her eyes closed but he felt her parting her legs beneath him and when he shifted his weight and nudged her entrance, she let a sweet sigh, tilting her hips so he had easy access. She was still wet and he could easily move forward, taking it slow, overwhelmed by his need to be as close to her as possible.

He stilled when he was all the way inside her, slowly lowering his body to rest on hers, making it almost impossible for her to move, feeling her hands slowly trailing along his spine and then her palms on his ass, keeping him that close.

This was sheer bliss, he thought, knowing he would come as soon as he started moving faster again. So he kept it indolent, just gentle irregular thrusts, wanting to make it last because it was so much more than just the lust and pleasure. 

He needed her, he needed this. And he thought, she did too.

Carrie thought she was dissolving in pleasure, Quinn’s body sheltering hers, the only thing which held her together.

She was tired, so tired, and felt overstimulated at each and every inch of her body, and yet this was so good. Quinn was warm and heavy and she liked that feeling, not being able to move away, being completely engulfed by his body, while he was slowly moving inside her, breathing in her ear, telling her how much he loved her, how good this felt for him, that he wanted her to feel his love. 

She felt a warm wave rising inside her, slowly ascending, sweet and inevitable now, so she just let it happen, let herself be washed away, Quinn just holding her, moving again, and then she was there and it was sweet and almost too much.

She was silent this time, but he felt her body tensing beneath his body, then she clenched around him, and that took him there too, she felt his warmth spreading inside her and his buttocks working beneath her palms while he panted next to her ear, whispering her name.

Afterwards they lay still, overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings. Carrie's hand was next to her cheek now, Quinn's hand found its way to cover it and she squeezed his fingers every now and then.

Eventually and reluctantly they got up to have a shower, Carrie leaning against him, they just let the warm spray wash over them and then snuggled under the covers again, utterly spent and tired. 

Quinn woke up once, but when he felt Carrie's warm back against his chest, her hair tickling his nose, he snuggled closer and went back to sleep again.

They slept as long as Murphy allowed them to, and when Quinn and the dog came back, Carrie was awake but still in bed so he climbed back in, bringing in the wintery cold.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning yourself. You're cold.”

“Warm me.”

It was a blissful moment, settling with Carrie under the warm covers again after having been outside.

“Breakfast?”

“Not yet”, Carrie answered, curling herself still sleepy into his side.

“Anything else?”

“No sex, at least not now”, Carrie deadpanned.

That earned her a laugh, and made herself grin as well.

“Hey”, Quinn’s hand entangled with her hair at the back of her neck, “about last night, I -”, and then he didn't have the words to phrase what he _wanted_ to say.

“I liked it. Doing this, all of it, with you”, Carrie stepped in.

Quinn nodded, his hand warm on her nape.

“I didn't know, it could be so… _intense_ maybe?”

He nodded again, thinking Carrie was much better with words than he himself.

“Afterwards… when we made love… I thought I'd be too tired and couldn't… not again… not right away at least… but then… it felt different. I loved you so much in that moment”, she paused, contemplating her own words, “that sounds wrong. I mean, I do love you exactly the same right now, but last night, that was-”

“Different. I know. Same here”, he whispered and pulled her closer, resting his forehead against hers.

\-------------

It was their last full day at the cabin and they spent it with a long walk through the snowy forest. It was a sunny and clear day, Murphy jumped and ran back and forth, and they held hands or Quinn's arm was around Carrie's shoulder.

They cooked when they came back, had pasta and hot chocolate, and then lay in front of the fireplace, reading, snuggling and talking, Murphy sometimes next to them, sometimes on top of them, trying to engage them in a game.

Finally he was tired again and lay curled up on his pillow.

“He’s like a baby”, Carrie smiled.

“He is. But he’s learning fast.”

“You’re happy with him, right?”

“I am. Very happy.”

They fell silent for a moment, and then Quinn sat up.

“I’d like to show you something. Wait a sec.”

He disappeared to their bedroom and carried a small envelope when he came back, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

Carrie sensed the change of mood and looked at him, expectantly.

“I had these in the foster home. Where we went to Baltimore in summer. Here.”

Carrie’s eyes followed his hands and she saw him pulling a few photographs from the envelope and handing her the first one, the edges worn out. It showed a little boy, dark unruly hair and bright eyes, and a dog. The boy was just as tall as the dog and held his collar with a chubby hand.

“I’m about four.”

There were three more: Another one with the dog, one with his grandmother and one with a young beautiful woman. In that one, Quinn sat on the woman's knee while she was smoking, a shy smile on his face.

“Your mother?”

He shrugged and nodded at the same time.

“That's when she was living with us - Nana and me - for a few weeks again.”

“You told me that. Up at the stream, in Flintstone.”

“I know.”

“I -”, Carrie paused, wondering what would be the right thing to say, “I didn't know you had these photographs.”

“I didn't look at them for a long time. But when we collected my stuff-”, Quinn took them back and stored them in the envelope again, avoiding eye contact now.

“Hey”, Carrie waited for him to put the envelope on the nearby coffee table but then wrapped one arm around his waist, pulling him closer, “I don't know what’s the right thing to say now. I’m sorry. But I am glad you showed them to me. That means a lot to me.”

Quinn leant in and she felt him snuggling into her shoulder, and so she just wrapped her other arm around him as well, silently trying to convey that she'd be there, no matter what.

“You sometimes think about them?”

“No. Yes. I don't know. I mean, sometimes I do, but not- it doesn't matter.”

“To me, it does”, Carrie said softly, pulling him with her to lay their heads on one of the large pillows behind them.

Quinn sighed, while interlacing his fingers with hers and resting their hands on his abdomen.

“No, not really. But what I do think about”, he paused for a long moment, searching for the right words, “is what that did to me. Not having a home. Or parents. Not having”, he paused again,” anybody. If that fucked me up too much to ever be _normal_. To trust. Feel at home. A few days ago I sat with Becky and her baby in the kitchen and I thought, that to her - or to you - _home_ is not just a place but an idea, an image, filled with memories and emotions. Like this place here for you and your sister. Even if you never came back here, you’d carry that engraved in your memory. It's part of you. And I don't have such a place. Or people. Or memories. I never learnt to take that for granted. And I think that does something to you. Not learning that.”

He fell silent, emotionally exhausted from his long speech.

“You think about this a lot?”

He couldn't see Carrie’s face but she was lying next to him, their hands still clasped.

“Not _a lot_. But sometimes. Certainly during Christmas, I guess.”

“Do you want to know what I think?”

“Yes.”

“I don't think you’re fucked up. I think it's not fair, what you had to go through. I can't, you can't rewrite those years. It's with you. Made you who you are now. And now you’re here. Living with the Taylors. Trying to build relationships. Successfully.”  
Carrie propped herself up on one elbow so she could look at him.

“I know that this is not the kind of home I have, not yet at least, and probably never will be”, she went on, looking at him now, “but it's a start.”

“I know. But it will always be different. Childhood memories and stories to share, or the lack of that, all that. You don't mind that?”

“If this is about me, no, I don't. Hey”, she bent down and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, “I _know_ you. That's what is important to me. You.”

Quinn pulled her closer and she came to lie with her cheek on his chest. Absentmindedly he played with some strands of her hair with his left hand.

“Your parents-”

“Yeah?”

“They never did anything for you. All you did, you did on your own. That requires a lot of strength.”

“I don't see it that way.”

“I know. But I do.”

Quinn made a sound which was somewhere between a huffed laugh and a sigh.

Carrie’s hand closed around his when she spoke again, whispering in his ear now.

“I can't change those years for you. I wish I could. But to me, you are not fucked up. And this is who _you_ are - the man I fell in love with. And we’ll make our own memories. You and me.”

Quinn rolled on his side and then gently tipped against Carrie’s shoulder to make her roll on her back so he could pin her between his elbows.

“That's true.”

“I know it's sometimes hard”, Carrie said softly as she wrapped her arms around his neck, “but I think you really should allow yourself to enjoy the life you have now. You deserve it. Each and every moment of happiness and good things.”

She wished she could give him more. Of course she understood what he was talking about. She knew he was right. Not having had a home and people who had loved him unconditionally of course had had an effect on him. She remembered his first weekend away from Flintstone in May. And many other moments since then, brief moments, when she sensed his insecurities, which he often hid so well. It meant a lot to her that he opened up and talked about it now.

“Sometimes-”, Quinn paused, but then decided to go on, “sometimes I think it's almost too much. Too good.”

“You’re happy now?”

“Here, with you?”

Carrie nodded, still looking up to him, and Quinn thought that he could lose himself in these big blue eyes.

“More than happy.”

“Good. Because I want to make you happy”, Carrie whispered, finally pulling him in for a kiss, long and lingering.

And it was true, she wanted to make him happy, to give him something to hold on to, the certainty that she was his and loved him, no matter what.

So she broke that kiss for a brief moment, her lips just an inch away from his.

“I love you.”

“I know”, he answered and she loved that his smile reached his eyes this time and revealed his dimples.

“You’ll always have me.”

He kissed her again, and Carrie felt the desire building in that kiss when it went on and on, Quinn still on his elbows above her, balancing his weight, his hands framing her face.

When he finally rolled on his back he pulled her with him, so she came to rest on top of him and his hands could roam over her back and shoulders and then slowly move beneath her sweater, searching for soft skin.

“You are my home”, he whispered, his voice low, his hand under her shirt now reaching her nape to pull her in for a kiss, “I love you.”

“I love you”, Carrie muttered against his lips before she lost herself in that kiss, parted her lips for him and felt his hands exploring her body anew, so careful tonight, “and I’ll always be yours.”

It was a long while later that she rose and pulled her sweater over her head, sitting on the back of her heels next to him, her slender body illuminated by the warm glow of the fire.

“Sleep with me”, she whispered as she came to lie next to him after shimmying out of her jeans, and that simple sentence sent a jolt of arousal through his core.

They made love where they’d experienced their first time, in front of the fireplace, Carrie beneath him, holding him, her legs wrapped around him after he’d slowly entered her, feeling love and desire and a deep want to be with her and make her feel loved.

Her eyes were locked with his in a silent dialogue, telling him all he needed to hear from her. He loved to feel her getting _there_ , to see her cheeks getting flushed, to feel her moving her hips, and when she arched her neck back and her breathing got faster and more irregular, he bent down to kiss and nuzzle the delicate skin below her ear, whispering how much he wanted her and loved her.

He was deep inside her, just small movements, sensing everything else might be too much after last night, and let Carrie set the cadence, enjoying the sweet sounds she made which told him she enjoyed this as much as he did.

Feeling Carrie come while he was inside her was what brought him there in mere seconds, the sweet intimacy of that moment always blowing his mind.

He knew she was there when she gasped and whimpered his name, canting her hips faster now, her heels pushing him deeper, her moans louder now, and then he felt her around him, her fingernails scratching his back as he thrust into her a few more times.

Carrie felt his ass bucking beneath her hands, his strokes more forceful now, each movement releasing a sweet wave of pleasure for her, she loved hearing his moans when he got there, knowing that it was she herself who made him feel this bliss, and then she felt his warmth spreading deep inside her. Quinn kept moving, slower now, and she felt his ragged breathing right next to her ear, thinking that there couldn't be more love than she felt right now and which made her heart almost burst.

They stayed like this, entwined, her legs around him, Quinn inside her, a few more gentle thrusts, for as long as possible, sharing a long and tender kiss during their descent, her hands caressing his back.

When he finally moved back, they got up and moved to their bedroom, where they snuggled under the thick blankets, falling asleep soon after. Quinn got up once a few hours later to offer Murphy a quick break outside as they’d skipped the usual late night walk, and was glad when Murphy couldn't wait to get back inside as soon as possible.

He lay awake for a while after he’d crawled back under the blanket, cherishing Carrie’s proximity and the warmth radiating from her body, wishing they didn't have to go back the next day.

Carrie was deep asleep and he was careful not to wake her when he finally closed his eyes again and spooned her from behind.

They went for a last walk with Murphy together the next morning and then had their coffee and toast down by the lake, both not talking much.

But after they packed their bags into the trunk, Carrie stepped close and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“We can come back soon.”

“I’d like that.”

“We can come for weekends. And spend some time here in summer.”

\----------------------

They arrived back at the Taylor’s house in the early afternoon, after they’d stopped at their usual spot to kiss goodbye without bystanders. 

Audrey saw Quinn unfolding his long legs and climbing out of the car while she was preparing an apple crumble for the afternoon tea. It was Becky’s last day in Bethesda, she and her baby would fly out the next day.

She and Robert needed to talk to Quinn and tell him about the call they’d received earlier that week. His parents had requested to meet him, and whenever she thought of that call and how Quinn might react, Audrey felt sick and nervous. 

When she saw him bending into the car again, saying goodbye to Carrie, and then walking up to the house, Murphy next to him, she decided not to overshadow that last day of the winter break and Becky’s stay with this news.

Quinn saw her and smiled as he raised his hand to greet her through the window, a gesture which was so _normal_ and yet made Audrey happy.

A minute later he came into the kitchen, his bag and boots outside, the dog immediately around her ankles, Quinn wishing her a happy new year just as Becky came in and asked when there’d be coffee and cake.

Soon they all sat in the living room, like any other family on the last day of a school break.

 

\--------------------

It was Maggie’s last night at home before she’d return to college after her winter break and she was glad to spend some time with her sister before they wouldn't see each other for at least another five or six weeks.

She saw her pulling up in the driveway and getting of the car, her cheeks rosy and with a smile on her lips. She looked good. Well-rested, healthy and - happy, very happy.

The sisters hugged when Carrie came into the kitchen and wished Maggie a happy new year, and then she walked over to the living room to greet their father.

They spent the afternoon with board games, watched a movie and ordered Chinese for dinner, and Maggie thought it was one of the happiest evenings at home in a long time.

She sneaked in Carrie’s room after they'd brushed their teeth, and they sat in the window alcove, wrapped in woolen blankets, like they had so often when they had been younger.

“You look happy.”

“I am.”

“Did you have a good time?”

Carrie blushed, and Maggie found herself feeling a sudden surge of tenderness for her little sister.

“So you had”, she smiled and Carrie giggled, somewhat embarrassed when Maggie inquired further, “did you even leave the cabin?”

“Maggie!”

“Did you?”, Maggie kept teasing.

“We did. For walks.”

“So you needed to snuggle when you came back to warm up again. How convenient.”

They both laughed and the red on Carrie’s cheeks deepened.

“Did he make you feel happy?”, Maggie asked, less giggly now.

“Very happy. He’s- he means the world to me”, Carrie replied softly, “I had no idea it could be like this. Like what we have.”

“You’re lucky”, Maggie pulled her sister into a hug, “he’s a keeper.”

\----------------

Quinn called her late at night, just before he went to bed, knowing she’d probably be in bed already.

When they finished talking, just for a few brief minutes, Carrie curled under her blanket and thought that she already missed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks girls! So glad to have you in my life!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn’s parents are making an unwelcome reappearance in his life.

School started the next Monday, and the week brought a thawing and then a cold rain.

Audrey knew she was procrastinating the inevitable when she didn't speak with Quinn on Monday but he was working in the afternoon and when he came home he went directly up to his room, saying he was tired.

So she finished work early on Tuesday, hoping to be there when he came home and to have a word with him before he went back for his ROTC meeting in the afternoon, and then later he would probably meet Carrie.

She had just started to brew a pot of tea when the doorbell rang, which was unusual but maybe Quinn had forgotten his keys, even if it was still about an hour too early for him to be back.

The tea towel she'd used to dry the tea pot was still in her hand when she opened the door, Murphy curiously weaseling around her ankles and trying to get his nose through the door.

It wasn't Quinn.

But she knew those piercing blue eyes, and her heart sank.

_Oh my God. Oh my God._

The woman was still young, but had a haunted look on her face, which made her look older than the fortysomething years she probably had. Once she'd been stunningly beautiful, high-sculpted cheekbones, arched eyebrows and a perfect symmetrical face.

Her skin was wan now, her hair long and unruly, her eyes were red rimmed and she inhaled the smoke of her cigarette deeply before she threw it to the ground and turned her heal on it.

There was no need for an introduction, it was clear who she was and that she had come to see her son.

There was still a slight chance to handle this without having Quinn running into his mother right in his new home, the place where he was supposed to feel safe and secure. She just needed to get the woman off the street, deal with her requests, and get rid of her as soon as possible, Audrey thought.

"I came to see my son," were the younger woman's first words.

"He's not here. And you are not supposed to be here."

"I can wait. I have nowhere else to be today. I came by bus. I-", and then her eyes filled with tears and her knees became unstable.

Audrey reached out to support her by the elbow, feeling her clothes were wet through and through.

"Good God, did you walk here from the bus station? Your clothes are soaking wet."

The woman nodded, biting her lower lip. Audrey knew that movement, had seen in many times on Quinn, and seeing him in his mother's features made her heart ache.

"Come in. There's tea. But Quinn's not here and you can't stay for long."

The woman's clothes were leaving a trail of water on the floor and Audrey hurried to offer her a towel and to hang her coat away in the laundry room.

A few moments later she came back to the kitchen, finding her unexpected guest rubbing Murphy's ears and staring at a photo on the fridge: Quinn, Becky, Jenny and Andrew.

"That's him?"

"Yes."

"I haven't seen him since he was fourteen."

"I know."

There wasn’t anything Audrey wanted to add to that statement.

"The puppy - is it his?"

"Murphy. Yes."

"He had a dog when he lived with my mother."

Audrey poured the tea and watched the woman stirring six spoons of sugar in her tea. So she got up once more and placed a tray with cookies she'd set for Quinn on the table.

"You are very kind."

Audrey didn't answer, and an uncomfortable silence settled between the women while they sipped their tea.

"Why did you come here?", Audrey finally asked.

"I-", the other woman looked up and suddenly her eyes filled with tears, "his father, my husband, he’s dying. And he wants to see him."

Audrey felt the nausea rising in her chest, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. For Quinn. For that woman. And all the pain this visit would cause if she didn't get her out of the house soon.

"Fiona. May I call you Fiona? I'm Audrey. This isn’t possible. And you know that. You can't just come here and request that visit. Quinn, well, it's been difficult for him. And you can't just pop in here and demand him to come. I'll talk to him, and his case worker, and then we'll see."

"But he's dying", Fiona yelled, her face contorted, her voice breaking, "and Quinn is his son. You have no right to send me away."

\-----------------

Quinn felt the headache since ten, and by noon he felt cold and had a sore throat.

So he left school early, planning to take Murphy for a quick walk and to spend the afternoon home, then maybe he could avoid this cold.

He left a note at the secretary's office for the ROTC tutor and arrived home fifteen minutes later, surprised to see Audrey's car in the driveway.

Murphy came out of the kitchen when he went into the laundry room which connected the garage with the house to store his wet parka away, noticing a dripping wet coat without paying too much attention to it.

One of his hoodies still laid there since his last run so he took and slipped into it, stepping back into the hallway while he did so, the fabric blocking his view while he stepped over the threshold.

Quinn saw Audrey coming out of the kitchen, her face pale and her eyes wide open, following another person who he couldn't believe was here.

"Quinn. Quinn. I- God, you grew a lot. Your father-"

For a moment, he just froze, shocked and horrified.

She kept talking but he didn't hear her words. She touched his arm and he pushed her away, fast and hard, against the small table in the hallway, the set of keys which he’d placed there a minute ago jumped when her back hit the table.

_Away. Just away._

"Quinn," Audrey‘s turn now, with urgency , "Quinn listen to me. This is-"

"Don't. So much about-," he couldn't even finish the sentence, but moved backwards when Audrey stepped in his direction, her arms stretched to reach out for him.

"I trusted you," his voice was strangely calm, a stark contrast to his eyes darting through the room as if he were looking for an escape, "you said I could stay here. That this is my _home_. So much for that.”

 

"Quinn," Audrey said, her voice firm now, "look at me. I never lied to you. This is not-"

Fiona was back on her feet, reaching for him too, she cried "Your father is dying", and then he lunged forward, grabbed the car keys and pushed her out of his way, "he wants to see you. You owe him-", she grabbed for his arm again and he pushed her harder, she fell backwards, his arm free now, and then he was out, just out, three long strides to the car, Murphy with him, Audrey calling his name, following him, but he was starting the car, leaving, away from her, away from them.

He was halfway on the road to Arlington when he was able to control his breathing again, trying to exhale slowly and to take a deep breath, feeling his heart hammering in his chest.

His hands were clutched at the steering wheel, his knuckles white, but when he loosened his grip they started trembling, so he held on tight.

Carrie wasn't home, of course not.

So he left. What was there to say anyway? Just as far away as possible. Putting miles between him and - _her. This_.  
\------------------

He drove around for almost three hours, no direction, no destination, just away. He didn't think, feeling numb was good, not thinking, not feeling, just away.

I 95 to Baltimore for a while but then a turn eastbound, to the coast.

He stopped at a filling station, getting a sandwich, a bar of chocolate, and some treats for Murphy - Audrey and Robert always had a twenty tucked away in the glove compartment for _emergencies_ \- and then he was back on the road.

Driving had always helped him to calm down. The monotony. Controlling the speed. 

_If you control nothing else in life, at least you can control that._

His headache had gotten worse by the time he reached the beach, and he lay down in the wet sand, flat on his back, and closed his eyes, hoping for some of the pain to surrender.

He remembered being eight years old and moving in with his parents. He remembered being five years old, the day Fiona went back to _him_. He remembered lying in bed, in the cheap mobile home, when he was eight, and being afraid and angry. Angry because he heard her crying, from pain and shame, when _he_ beat her. And afraid because what could he do? He remembered the pain of the broken ribs, how he couldn't breathe, and how his _father_ yelled when she wanted to bring him to a doctor. He remembered how much he wanted her to hold his hand when the doctors examined his injuries. How much it hurt. And she didn't even come inside with him. He remembered the day he found his grandma in her bed, cold already. How there was always a before and an after. He remembered moving into a foster home. And he remembered their last visit. And he remembered all the years of hope vanishing, being replaced by emptiness and anger. Being desperate enough to go to Hong Kong. He remembered the hate in his father's eyes, when he was backed in the corner next to the refrigerator, still little, his father yelling and raising his hand, how he was hoping to vanish in a crack in the wall. And he remembered his mother standing there and watching, and then turning away when he curled up on the floor like a ball.

It started to rain, he felt the drops on his face, cold and heavy.

Murphy came closer, lied next to him, rolling up into a ball, pressed into his side.

His mind went back to the ten year old who stood all Christmas Day by the window of his foster home because they had _promised_ to come. The sixteen year old who sat on a bench in a police station, and no one came for ten hours. And then the day he’d met that man, about 18 months later, who sent him to Hong Kong. Carrie. And then the months at the JDC and the year in Flintstone. His father’s visit there. How he’d still gotten under his skin. And now she was back. She hadn't come to see him for almost four and a half years. And now she came to call in a favour because he was dying. So she'd known all the time where he lived now. They’d lied to him, she could have come any given day.

Murphy licked his hand, and Quinn rolled on his side, curling into fetal position, his face buried in Murphy's soft puppy fur, his hot tears disappearing into it right away.

It was cold. Really cold. And his head hurt like it was going to explode any second. Moving hurt. And where would he go? 

He briefly thought of Carrie, her smile, but then that hurt too so he stopped thinking. He could do that, detach himself from feeling, just stop the pain.

This was how he had survived. 

\------------------------------

It took Audrey an hour to get rid of her guest and to get hold of Robert. She remembered feeling like she was on autopilot. Offering Fiona a cool pack for her bruise, calling and pre-paying a cab to get her back to the bus station, giving her money for her ticket back, the woman still crying.

It had been an unfortunate encounter through and through and Audrey wondered if Fiona had any idea about the damage she’d done _again_.

And it wouldn't end here. She wanted Quinn to visit her husband. And she wanted to be back in his life, and the ignorance behind her requests drove Audrey mad and made her heart break for Quinn.

She had no idea how much today’s events would affect their relationship and their life, but the look in his eyes before he’d run away- she couldn't even think about it.

She was worried now, deeply worried. She’d hoped for him to be back after a while but it was almost two hours now and he was still gone, without even having a jacket.

Robert was searching the area around the school just now while she tried to reach Carrie over and over again.

She had refueled the day before, so he’d be able to drive for at least 400 miles before he’d run out of gas.

It was a good sign, that he’d taken Murphy with him, she thought. Or wasn't it? Did that mean he planned to stay away? Or the opposite, that he’d be back after a few hours when the puppy needed his food?

\-----------------------

Robert came back almost an hour later, just after she’d finally reached Carrie and Frank.

Quinn wasn't at the Mathison’s’ house. Neither had Robert found any trace of him.

Frank and Carrie arrived 20 minutes later, Carrie pale and silent, Frank clearly worried and angry.

Carrie went upstairs to Quinn’s room while the adults were fuming about Fiona’s audacity, sat on his bed and pressed her face in his pillow, swallowing around the growing lump in her throat.

\------------------------

Carrie came back into the kitchen, interrupting her father’s rant with her appearance.

“Aren't we going to search him?”, she asked with a slight quiver in her voice.

“He could be anywhere. Where should we start, where end?”

“But we can't just sit here and do nothing, Dad.”

“Carrie, it's three hours now, longer even. He could be anywhere,” Robert tried to back up Frank.

“I-,” Carrie’s eyes went to Audrey, begging for support, “I don't know. But I can think of only two places, if he is not just driving around.”

“The cabin,” Frank sighed, picking up his daughter’s train of thought.

“Yes.”

“And the other place? Somewhere close to there?”

“No. Opposite direction. A place where we went a few times,” she blushed and looked to her shoes, and Audrey felt a wave of tenderness for the young woman.

“Where is that place, Carrie?”

“The coast. Near Sandy point. There's a beach at the end of the peninsula.”

“You think that's where he went.”

Carrie nodded.

_That's where I went. And where he found me._

“Then let's go. Wanna come with me, Carrie?”, Audrey asked, Robert’s car keys already at the ready.

“I’ll drive down to the cabin”, Frank offered.

“So it's me staying here, I guess,” Robert sighed, sitting down on one of the wooden kitchen chairs.

“We’ll call every hour, so you’ll connect us. And you’ll be here in case he comes home,” Audrey suggested, “it's three thirty now, it’ll be evening by the time we reach him. _If_ we find him.”

\-----------------------

They drove in silence for a long time, both lost in thoughts, Audrey focused on the afternoon traffic, Carrie worried sick, just hoping he’d be there.

It was only when they left I-95 and followed the smaller country road towards the coast that she finally spoke. 

“Can they make him go there?”

“Who _they_?”

“These people. His-,” Carrie paused and then pressed the word out with disgust, “ _parents_ , can they _make_ Quinn come back? Can they force him?”

“No. I don't think so. But if it's true what she said… Well, it might be Quinn’s last chance to talk to his father.”

“Can they demand him to move back to them?”

“No. Of course not. Why are you asking that?”

“That's what he will want to know.”

Audrey let Carrie’s word sink in, and she had to admit, the girl had a fair point here.

“They can't send him back. Not to his parents and not to a foster home. Not as long as he and we don't want that.”

Leaving the main road, Audrey followed Carrie’s direction towards the coastline.

“Why do you think she came? She never cared.”

“Carrie, I spoke to her for about ten minutes. But I know Quinn and his story. She is a weak person and fell for the wrong guy. She's been manipulated her entire life. And now, after he dies, she'll be alone.”

“But she can't expect Quinn to be there for her now,” Carrie was incredulous.

“No, of course not. But she probably never understood what they did to him.”

“I- when we arrive, it's not much farther , can I go alone then? See if he is there?”

“Why?”

“He might need a moment,” was Carrie’s diplomatic answer, and Audrey felt her heart aching.

“He was very angry, Carrie.”

“Not with me,” Carrie turned in her seat and looked at Audrey, “he worked so hard. He went through hell that last eighteen months. He wanted this so much. To have a home. A place where he belongs and-,” she swallowed, angry with herself when her voice quivered.

“Carrie. He has that with us. We want to be his home. And today was the shittiest of all timings. Which nobody could see coming. Believe me, I of all people wished things were different.”

“But you let her in.”

“Of course I did. Carrie, she is his mother. And she came soaking wet and clearly upset to my house. I couldn't have known Quinn would be home early. But I couldn’t turn my back to a woman who arrived at my house so distraught. I was planning to let her drink her tea and to send her away, to talk to Quinn in the afternoon and to see if he wants to see her. Not alone, but with me or Robert or Frank and maybe you at his side. Because at some point he will have to learn to make peace with his childhood. And this might be the last chance to see his father.”

“I doubt he wants to see him.”

“Which is fine. It's his choice. It's his right to say no. And Robert and I would support whatever choice he makes. But it wouldn't have been right to preclude Fiona from letting Quinn know. I wish the situation had been different but getting a call by the authorities _after_ his father died would have been bad too.”

Carrie didn't answer and looked out of the window into the grey late winter afternoon, and they spent the rest of the drive in silence.

They called Robert twice. No news.

\--------------------------

Murphy raised his head, searching, but then snuggled into his side again. Quinn barely noticed it, his head felt like it was going to explode any second and he was cold.

He knew he should go back to the car and sleep. But there wasn't anything that mattered right now.

\---------------------

It was dark when Carrie finally found him, about half a mile further north from the spot where they'd spent that summer afternoon which was so far away now.

It was still raining, a lighter drizzle now, and the wind was freezing cold, maybe the night would bring snow again. She thought she should go back if she wouldn't find him within the next fifteen minutes and felt a nauseating panic rising in her chest again. She had underestimated how dark it would be, she could barely see the waterline ten yards away from her.

Murphy raised his head again and this time he didn't calm down again but jumped away.

“Murphy,” Quinn knew he wouldn't be able to find him if he didn't hold him back now, and sat up, “stay here.”

The moment she heard Quinn’s voice Carrie felt Murphy around her ankles and then jumping up her leg, and the relief she felt was visceral.

“Quinn. Oh God, Quinn.”

She sank down on her knees in the damp sand and wrapped her arms around him, shocked about how wet and cold he felt.

“You. You came here,” he whispered with hoarse voice, his throat feeling like sandpaper.

“We are looking for you. Everywhere. Dad is on his way to the cabin, Robert searched every inch between Bethesda and Arlington at least twice, and Audrey drove me-”

“You’re not alone? Why is she here?”, Quinn detached and pulled up his knees, his arms tightly wrapped around his legs now.

“Quinn. They wouldn't let me come here alone. We were so worried.” 

The moon appeared as a narrow sickle between the ragged clouds, and Carrie could see Quinn’s face for a long moment, seeing a telltale shine in his eyes.

“Hey,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around him once more, ignoring his tautness, “I’m here.”

She was relieved when she felt him finally shifting and leaning in, his face buried against her shoulder, his body shuddering, Carrie didn't know if it was because he was so cold or if he was sobbing.

“I’m here,” she kept saying, over and over again, holding him tight, “shhh, I’m here.”

“I don't know what to do,” he finally got out, still nestled against her, shivering.

“I know. Me neither.”

“I don't want to see him. And I do. And for her-,” he paused, and Carrie knew where this was going, “she couldn't even _visit_ me and now when it's about him-”

“I know. I know. I’m so sorry.”

She kept holding him, having no idea how she should handle this situation.

“I lost it,” Quinn went on, “I hit her.”

Carrie inhaled slowly, having no idea what she should say.

“But I just couldn't-, I-, she-,” he lost his way in the sentence and Carrie thought it didn't matter anyway but then he went on, “she just appears and thinks she can do that. And now it's all going to shit and I-”

“No,” Carrie interrupted him, “it's not. It's hard, I know, but it's not changing Audrey’s and Robert's-”

“Of course it is. Don't be stupid. She came. I lost it. I hit her. She let her in. Maybe even knew she was coming. Maybe she was there before.”

“Quinn. Believe me, that is not what it is. Audrey had no idea. She-”

“That's what she told you, right? Carrie, I- I just can’t-,” he was burying his face in his hands, not finishing his sentence.

“Hey”, Carrie touched his hand, while she was still kneeling next to him, desperately trying to keep a connection, “we’ll figure it out.”

Her hand slipped into Quinn’s larger hand, glad when she felt him squeezing it.

“I have no idea what to do. They are back and it's all ruined again.”

“It's not. It's not, Quinn. Audrey is not angry. Robert isn’t. They were worried you might get yourself hurt. And the rest, we’ll figure it out. Not tonight. But tomorrow or the day after. But let's go back to the car now. It's too cold.”

She was glad when Quinn followed her example and got on his feet too, embracing her in a tight hug as soon as they both stood.

She hugged him back, as tight as she could, feeling him still shivering, the wetness of his sweater seeping through her clothes.

“We’ll figure it out. But now come.”

It took them long to get back to the parking lot, and the wind blowing the spindrift in their faces now didn't make it any better.

Carrie was relieved when they finally turned into the small path leading towards the parking lot. It was pitch-dark by now, but after a while they saw the car’s headlights cutting through the night.

Murphy stayed close to them, and Carrie was hoping there were some blankets in the car for Quinn and the little dog.

\-------------------

Audrey had been worried, very worried, questioning her decision to let Carrie go down to the beach alone many times. 

So her relief was huge when she saw the two figures and the dog stepping into the pool of light of the car’s headlamps.

Carrie’s arm was around Quinn’s waist, and they walked slowly.

Audrey had found a blanket Robert had kept in the trunk and she cursed herself for not bringing towels, it was cold and Quinn's clothes would be wet through and through.

_She knew where to find him. And she brought him back._

“Quinn. We were so worried. God, you must be freezing. Carrie, get out of your jacket and in the car.”

“I need the keys. Quinn, give me the keys.”

That made Quinn, who’d been unreceptive to Audrey’s greeting, look up, his eyes darting to Carrie’s face.

“Where’re you going?”, he rasped out, and Audrey knew he’d be very sick within hours.

Carrie’s hand went up to his cheek, an intimate gesture which made Audrey involuntarily step back and look away.

“Driving Audrey’s car back.”

He knew he had to go with Audrey, and not with Carrie, without Carrie saying it.

“Hey,” Carrie whispered, “you have Murphy with you. And I’ll see you there. They won't send you away, I promise.”

\-----------------

Ten minutes later, they were back on the road, Quinn wrapped in the blanket, shivering and with rattling teeth. Audrey was certain that he was developing a fever, his eyes were already glassy and distant. 

Carrie was driving behind them, and she was utterly grateful for the young woman’s silent determination to help Quinn through this horrible day, and with that helping all of them.

The return of his mother - his parents - was a tragedy and she felt a nervous pit in her stomach whenever she thought about what the next days might bring. She’d cursed herself over and over again for not telling him that his mother had tried to reach out for him. With that, she’d involuntarily set this disaster in motion.

But seeing him returning to the car with Carrie at his side, as sad and deranged as he looked, had shown her how far he'd gotten over the last months. There was someone now he trusted, completely. Carrie. Enough, to not run away so far that they couldn't find him. And enough to come back with her, to go back home.

They stopped at the first gas station, getting a cup of hot tea for Quinn and calling Robert, and afterwards Quinn leant his head against the window and fell into a light slumber, twitching every now and then.

Audrey wished there was anything she could do for him, any comfort, but she knew there wasn't.

\---------------

It was almost ten when they arrived home, Robert stood by the kitchen window awaiting them and came out immediately.

Quinn’s eyes were red rimmed and his skin was feverish hot when she helped him out of the car, and his legs were shaking.

Robert hugged him and he let it happen, not even pulling back when Robert wrapped an arm around his shoulder to support him.

“C’mon, boy, you need a hot shower and some soup, and then it's bed for you.”

“Carrie…”

“She’ll be here any minute.”

Audrey had seen Carrie parking the car three houses down the road, and the girl was still sitting in the car now. She walked over when Robert helped Quinn inside.

“Thank you Carrie,” she said warmly when she opened the door.

“What's gonna happen now?”

“He’s getting very sick, I’m afraid. So hot shower, some food and bed. And then we’ll see what tomorrow brings.”

Carrie nodded, but still didn't move.

“Can I see him for a minute?”

“He asked for you. And you should come in and have something hot to drink too. Come.”

\------------------

Quinn was already in bed when Carrie came upstairs, his head hurting as if it was going to break into pieces any second now, his throat hot and sore, and still he felt so cold. There was a mug with chicken broth on his nightstand and yet he couldn't muster the energy to stretch his arm and reach for it.

He heard the door latch opening and closing again, and he knew the steps, so he tried to turn his head and look for her but it hurt.

“Hey,” he felt her slender hand on his cheek and then his forehead, a light and cool touch, “I came to say good night. I’ll be back as soon as I can. You should probably drink that.”

It cost him all the remaining energy he had, but he sat up and took the cup from her hand and drank the broth in small sips, his throat feeling raw and sore.

“Carrie,” he heard Audrey’s voice from the door, “we said two minutes. Let's go.”

Carrie quickly leaned in and kissed his cheek, he thought he felt her whispering “I love you” and then she was gone and Quinn fell into an uneasy sleep full of feverish dreams, waking up in the middle of the night from the rattling and gurgling sound his lungs made, each inhale feeling like a stab with a knife between his ribs.

\--------------------

The doctor, a family friend, came immediately after Audrey had called, early in the morning before opening his office, and diagnosed a pneumonia, one-sided so far. Audrey got him the antibiotics as soon as the pharmacy was open, but Quinn was barely awake enough to notice what he was painfully swallowing down.

The fever stayed high for almost three days.

Whenever he was awake for a moment or two, either Audrey or Robert sat there near his bed, helping him to drink, to the bathroom, or putting a cold washcloths on his forehead and his ankles.

Everything hurt and he was relieved when he could drift back into the haze.

Carrie came twice every day, taking Murphy for a short stroll early mornings and then again in the evenings for longer walks.

She wasn't allowed to see Quinn during the first horrible days with high fever, but Audrey knew that coming here was Carrie’s way to cope and so she tried not to worry her further about Quinn’s condition.

Fiona called on the third day. Her husband had died in the early hours of the morning.

That night, Audrey lit a candle in the reading room and placed it in the window, near the place where Quinn liked to sit and read.

They agreed on not telling Quinn until the fever was gone, but Audrey’s heart felt heavy when she thought of the the moment Quinn would learn of the man’s passing away.

She found herself unable to think of him as Quinn’s _father_.

That evening the fever was down for the stretch of almost four hours for the first time in nearly four days, and Quinn was able to have a shower and eat a little before he went back to sleep. 

Audrey allowed Carrie to slip into his room for two minutes, and later that night Quinn thought he remembered dreaming feeling Carrie’s hand around his.

Murphy slept in his room these days, curled into a ball in the corner next to his bed, and when Quinn woke up the next morning, he saw him wagging his tail and stretched his arm out to pet his head.

Audrey came in when Murphy jumped on the bed and curled up on top of the comforter, his head coming to rest on Quinn’s knee, and she decided not to comment on it, feeling glad that Quinn apparently was feeling better.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Quinn’s voice was still hoarse and there was an audible wheezing sound when he was breathing but his eyes were clear and he tried a small smile.

Audrey placed a tray with breakfast and his medication on his nightstand, took her own mug with coffee and waited for him to sit up and eat his toast and yogurt with a surprisingly good appetite.

“I’m glad you're feeling better. I was worried.”

“I- I’m sorry.”

“We’ll talk about it some other day. Unless you want to talk now?”

“Not really.”

“I understand that. I really do. Just let me say this: I’m sorry that it happened. I shouldn't have her allowed to be here.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes. Quinn,” Audrey studied his face for a moment, surprised by how calm and open he was this moment, “this is your home. And if I had known you would be home early I’d sent her away. You alone should decide whether and where you want to meet her.”

Quinn pursed his lips and slowly nodded.

“So you won't send me away? Because I went rogue again and-”

“Quinn, of course not. No. This was an extraordinary situation. And whatever happens, we want you to know that this here is your home. As long as you want that.”

Quinn studied his hands which lay on top of the comforter but Audrey heard his whispered _“Yeah”_ and decided to give him a break.

“Maybe you’d like to come downstairs for an hour in the afternoon? I guess you’ll have a visitor.”

“Carrie?”

Audrey couldn't help it but had to smile at his hopeful undertone.

“Yes. Carrie. She was here every day. She’ll be happy to see you awake and feeling better.”

Audrey left him alone then, aware that she still needed to tell him the latest bad news. But she wanted to have him that moment of happiness, knowing that his girlfriend was waiting to see him today, even if only for half an hour.

He came downstairs two hours later, in track pants and a long sleeve, showered and very pale, and when he settled in the reading room, Murphy at his heels, Audrey followed him after a while, taking a deep breath before she entered the room, there was no excuse for procrastination.

“Quinn-”

“She,” he raised his head and sought her eyes, “called again during the week? I assume.”

“Yes. She did.”

He looked away, and Audrey knew he knew, but yet she thought she had to say it.

“He died the day before yesterday. I’m  
sorry, Quinn.”

She wanted to cross the room and hug him or do _something_ but she had no idea if he’d accept any comfort, and so she watched him raising from his chair and slowly going back upstairs, Murphy weasling upstairs right behind him.

Sinking on a chair in the kitchen, she buried her face in her hands and felt hot tears rising behind her closed lids, cursing the fate which made it so hard for Quinn.

\--------------------

The daylight was already fading when Carrie silently entered the room, finding Quinn lying in bed with his back towards the door.

Audrey had told her Quinn knew now, and her heart was heavy. Her father had told her the news two days before, and she didn't even know how to deal with the death of a man she’d never met and who’d caused so much unhappiness.

“Be there for Quinn, Carrie. That's all we can do,” her father had told her the night before. “This will stir some very sad memories for him. Help him to remember his life is different now. And tell him it's okay to grieve for what he never had. Human emotions are complex, my dear, and this is gonna be difficult for him. So be there for him and make sure he knows he's not alone in this.”

So she stepped closer and put her hand on Quinn's shoulder.

“Hey,” she said quietly, “it's me.”

His hand came up and covered hers, giving her a gentle squeeze and she felt his shoulders trembling, realizing he was crying.

Carrie suddenly remembered the day Quinn had visited her in hospital last summer, and what had helped her to feel better then.

So she slid her cardigan down her shoulders and put it on the chair next to Quinn’s bed, and then she slipped under the blanket, spooning him from behind, pressing her cheek between his shoulder blades, hearing the wheezing sound in his chest, and wrapped her arm around his waist, mingling her legs with his.

“I know,” she whispered, “Dad told me.”

“I don't even know what I feel,” Quinn murmured into her hair just above her ear after he’d turned and they’d settled in a close embrace for a long time.

“You don't need to name it.”

“I don't miss him.”

“Of course not.”

“But it feels like he has finally been right. I’m always a disappointment. Even now. She wants me to see him and I pass out into a five day oblivion and miss him dying.”

Saying it to aloud was hard, even with Carrie being the person who he finally told what had been on his mind all day.

But lying next to her, snug and cozy with her arm around him, feeling her warmth seeping through his shirt, made him feel better than he’d felt all week because this was _real_ , whatever else had happened or might happen.

“They don't have the right to expect anything from you.”

“I know,” Quinn sighed.

“You won't stop feeling that way just because I tell you. I know that. But still it's bullshit,” Carrie came up on a propped elbow, looking down on Quinn with a stern expression. “You were the child. They were the adults. They were the disappointment and much worse.”

“You’ll keep telling me that, right?” Quinn asked, a small smile lingering in the corners of his mouth.

“You bet.”

“When you say it, it sounds true.”

Quinn curled an errant strand of hair around his finger, gently trying to pull Carrie closer.

“So I’ll keep saying it.”

She finally bent down and kissed him, on his cheek first, hesitating for a short moment before she whispered _“just this one”_ and gently kissed his mouth then, a soft but lingering kiss.

“It's not contagious,” Quinn answered when she pulled back.

“But you're already out of breath,” Carrie smiled, “and your lungs are gurgling like milk pudding when it's boiling. So better be careful.”

“One more.”

She kissed him again, an almost chaste kiss compared to other kisses they’d shared, and yet so good because it was her.

Afterwards she lay on her side, in his arm, tracing his lower lip with her index finger, looking right into his eyes.

“Will you hear me out with what I say now?”

Her hand rested on his cheek now.

“Sure.”

“There's a small memorial service. Tomorrow.”

Quinn noticed he was holding his breath and forced himself to keep breathing.

“Dad said he could go if you want that.”

“So she wanted me to come,” he stated flatly.

“That's not an option. You don't need to think about that. You’re still far too sick. Or,” she paused, “would you want to go?”

He slowly shook his head.

“Dad said he’ll go, but only if you want him to go. Audrey said, she and Robert might join. And I thought, maybe I could come here then? If you want that.”

Quinn closed his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer.

“Yes. Please.”

“I know it's all fucked up,” she said quietly, caressing his cheek, “but you’re not alone in this.”

Carrie stayed a little longer, but finally announced that she had to leave him alone soon, and it was true, he felt tired and dizzy again.

“I’ll stay until you sleep,” she offered, comfortably snuggled in his crooked elbow again, their hands lying interlaced on his abdomen.

It took him a while to fall asleep, but in that strange stage between wakefulness and drifting off he felt Carrie so close, and that felt good.

\----------------------

He was downstairs when she came back the next day. Frank dropped her and took Audrey and Robert with him to Baltimore, not without giving Quinn a firm hug before they left.

“You know you can talk to me any time, boy, do you? It's been far too long since we watched a game together, but that strike seems to go on forever.”

When they were all gone Carrie wrapped her arms around him, asking how he felt today.

“Better.”

“Join me for a short walk with Murphy? Just down to the next corner?”

He had to laugh when she insisted on him wearing a woolen hat, a scarf and gloves, and again when she herself zipped his parka all the way up.

“We’re not going to the North Pole.”

“No. But you managed to get pneumonia while laying in icey rain without any jacket so I’m in charge of your clothing choices for now.”

“Hey,” he pulled her in an embrace, “I’m sorry. That was stupid.”

“Yes. It was. But I get why you did it. Just next time, call me first and take a jacket.”

“I did. Not the jacket. But I came to your house before I left. You weren't home yet.”

“You really did?”, Carrie asked, placing a kiss on his cheek, a sudden wave of warmth spreading in her chest.

“I forgot to tell you. But yes. Of course.”

It hit him then and there again, that she often still didn't value herself enough to see what she meant to him.

“Hey”, he framed her face with his hands and gently tilted her head upwards to make her look at him, “of course I wanted to talk to you first. And I’m sorry for everything which happened afterwards. I know I scared you and your dad and the Taylors.”

“Next time just wait til I’m home, okay?”

He pursed his lips, shrugged his shoulders, but nodded finally.

“Let's go before Murphy ruins the front door. God, Murphy, stop that.”

Carrie tied the leash to the dog’s harness and let him out of the door, followed by Quinn who deeply inhaled the cold winter air.

In the end, they slowly walked to the small park and allowed Murphy to play and run there for a while, Carrie threw sticks for him while Quinn rested on a bench, and when they walked back, Quinn had to admit that he'd overestimated the progress of his recovery.

He was glad when Carrie sent him upstairs right away as soon as they were back home, and collapsed on his bed, hearing Carrie rummaging around downstairs and talking to Murphy.

Carrie followed a little later, carrying a tray with tea and sandwiches.

“I’ll book you as nurse,” he quipped, glad when this made her smile.

“You look tired.”

“Yep.”

“Want me to leave so you can rest?”

“No. I want you right here.” He patted on the spot next to him and sat up when she came over and placed the tray on his nightstand.

They munched away their snacks in comfortable silence, and when Quinn sank back into the pillow again, Carrie got up once more and fumbled with her backpack.

“What are you doing?”

“I thought about what would feel _right_ today. And couldn't come up with anything substantial,” she placed a candle she’d brought on the window sill and lit it, “but I thought a candle won't harm. There's an Irish blessing,” she still had her back turned to Quinn and softly spoke the words, “For every storm, a rainbow, for every tear, a smile, for every care, a promise, for every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share,  
for every sigh, a sweet song, and an answer for each plea.”

She paused a moment and walked back to his bed where she sat down again and took his hand.

“I couldn't find one for him”, she said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

“But that was beautiful.”

“My Dad said that often when we were kids.”

Quinn swallowed and opened his arm, indicating for her to lie down with him where she settled with her arm resting across his chest.

“I brought a book,” Carrie said after a while, fishing with one arm for her backpack. “I thought I could read it aloud, I have to read it anyway for my literature class and I thought you’d like it too.”

“What book?”

“Shipping News. It starts rather distressing but it's about a man changing his life, and finding happiness.”

“Sounds rather familiar.”

“It beautifully written. I’ll read it to you if you want.”

And that was what she did then, her head resting on his abdomen, his hand buried in her hair, for many hours. It was strangely calming and comforting to lie in bed with her, listening to her voice reading a story about loss and love for him,  
set on Newfoundland’s foggy and storm-battered coast.

Quinn drifted off for a few minutes every now and then, hearing Carrie’s voice from afar then, coming back to wakefulness a few minutes later again. He thought about the fate which had brought him here, to this very day, being here with this incredible girl in his arm and bed, sharing his life with her, and about what she meant to him. 

Carrie had read almost half of the book when she stopped and said she needed a break.

“Tired?,” he asked, his fingers gently starting to massage her head beneath her soft hair, pleased when Carrie sighed and a smile curled the corners of her mouth.

“Just need a break. And more of _this_.”

He kept moving his fingers, using firmer pressure now, amazed by how much Carrie seemed to enjoy it.

Her head was still on his abdomen, she lay at right angle to him and so he had splayed his other hand on her belly a while ago, and slowly started to caress her with that hand now too, finding his way under the hem of her shirt.

Her skin was warm and soft, and touching her had the same effect it always had, igniting a longing for more.

He knew she felt the same, knew the pattern of her breathing by now, recognized that small sigh she made when she liked what he did, and felt goosebumps rising under the tips of his fingers when he followed the delicate curve of her ribs upwards, and reached the soft curve between her breasts.

He slowly lowered his hand to cover her breast with his palm, his left hand still massaging her head, and then started to massage her breast with the same slow pace and firm touch, feeling her warm skin through the soft fabric of her bra. With his hand still in her hair, he moved his other hand over to the other breast and gently edged his fingers under the fabric, just a little further, feeling her beneath his palm, her nipple firm now against his skin.

He knew she liked the firmer touch so he carefully started kneading her breast, the heel of his hand brushing over her nipple, her sweet sigh being his reward.

Using his hand in her hair to turn her head slightly, he could see her face now, how she bit her lower lip and held her breath when he kept massaging her breast. 

She was beautiful and he told her so, making her open her eyes and smile.

“Undress,” he whispered, excited to watch her when she came up on her knees and pulled the shirt over her head.

“I want to see you, Carrie. You are so beautiful.”

He watched her reaching behind her back and opening the small hooklets of her bra, and then lowering the straps and the cups - she was perfect.

Quinn was surprised when she got up, half naked, and slipped out of her pants too, without ever breaking eye contact, and then crawled next to him, her panties the only remaining piece of clothing.

“You sure?”, she whispered.

“God, Carrie, this is no ICU,” Quinn quipped his hand already traveling south, “I’m fine. And intending to get even _better_ right now.”

He gently pulled her into his arms, both lying on their sides now and rested his forehead against hers, his hand easing under the fabric of her panties, cupping her buttock.

His hand went a little deeper, between her thighs, and feeling her gasp when the tips of his fingers reached the delicate and soft wetness was arousing beyond words. She pressed herself against the length of his body, raised one leg and wrapped it around his hips, allowing him better access for his gentle touch.

“Quinn,” she whispered but didn't finish the sentence when he placed a kiss on her shoulder, gently signaling her to lie backwards, and made her snuggle in the crook of his elbow. He helped her to push down her panties, and then she was naked in his arm and bed.

His hand slowly wandered up her thigh, exploring her soft skin, enjoying the feeling of her being so receptive for his touch.

Pulling her close, he let his hand slip between her legs again, just the tips of his fingers making contact, and started with slow movements, mesmerized by the soft sounds she started to make.

He remembered the day he’d done this for the first time, last summer, and knowing so much better what she liked by now, he moved his fingers in slow circles, enjoying feel the increasing wetness beneath his fingertips.

“I want you to go first”, and it was true, he wanted to see and feel her, “just enjoy and let me do this for you.”

Carrie opened her eyes for a moment and looked at him, holding eye contact when he eased a finger into her, and he thought there was no measure for what he felt for her.

Keeping his movements slow, he felt her breathing getting faster, she started canting her hips in countermotion, her eyes were closed now again, and he loved watching her face, a faint smile on her lips, long eyelashes on pale skin, her lips slightly parted now as she started making these sweet moans.

He withdrew his finger, and moved his hand slightly upwards, finding the small bud and used his wet finger to encircle it, slow laps, making her writhe in his arm.

“Like that?,” he whispered, seeing her eyelids flutter open.

Carrie looked at him, feeling that wonderful wave rising from deep within, knowing he'd keep it slow to make it last, loving to look at him and see all that love and longing in his eyes.

“Like that,” she sighed, giving in and allowing herself to be taken away by the pleasure she felt, her body trembling in his arm and under his touch.

Quinn stayed with her, slow circles, releasing another wave for her, and then one more, the pleasure slowly ebbing off, leaving her breathless and overwhelmed.

He cradled her in his arms and just held her, feeling her breathing against his neck.

“Sometimes I still can’t believe you chose me and are mine,” he whispered with a thick voice, pressing a kiss on her temple and clutching her tight, “I love you.”

“I am yours,” she moved back a little to look at him, framed his face with her hands and kissed him, “and I love you too.”

And with that she rose to sit on her heels and pulled him up too, pulling his shirt over his head.

“It might be a little late to ask - but you're not too sick, right?”

The concern in her voice made him laugh, which ended in coughing but still he had to keep smiling.

“What?,” Carrie laughed.

“Consider it medicine,” he smirked, knowing he had it coming when Carrie mock-hit his shoulder, “and how about you ask that next time _before_ you are getting what you want.”

“I am about to make amends,” she giggled while loosening the ties of his track pants with a hooked finger to shove them down his hips then, nudging him to lie back.

He kicked the pants and boxers away, aware that she was looking at him for a long moment.

She crawled on top of him, the length of her body molding to his body, feeling him against her crotch. His hand was trailing along her back, up and down her spine, a soft and elusive touch, and then his other hand cupped her ass, gently pressing her against himself.

He felt Carrie’s mouth on his neck, her lips parted, placing a kiss there, and then nibbling the shell of his ear which made him feel a hot shiver rushing down his spine.

Carrie breathed a laugh and canted her hips once more, deliberately allowing him to make contact, gently rubbing herself against him.

“Carrie, you have no idea what you do to me”, he sighed, both of his hands around her ass now, supporting her movements.

“I think I have an idea,” she whispered, her teeth grating along his ear again, “I want to make love to you. I want you to feel my love for you. And know that I’ll always love you.”

And with that, she came up, her knees straddling his hips, and braced herself with her hands on his chest, smiling down on him, her eyes shining.

“Help me please,” Carrie asked.

Quinn lined himself up against her entrance, watching Carrie slowly lowering herself down on him, feeling her around him, and then she tentatively started moving her hips and he nearly forgot to breathe.

Watching her was as good as feeling her, and together it was almost _too good_.

His hands were around her hips now, supporting her movements and pace, while his eyes were locked with hers, and she placed her hands on his, feeling him guiding her.

“Like this?”, she echoed his words from earlier, a little out of breath.

“Like this. Yes.”

Quinn started rocking his hips, joining her dance, knowing it wouldn't take too long now, wishing he could make that moment last forever.

His hand skimmed over her soft white skin, up to her breast, gently kneading it, mesmerized when she closed her eyes and her own hand came up around the other breast, mirroring his touch.

His breathing was ragged now, his moans louder, and hearing Carrie’s whimper when he brought his other hand between her legs, carefully testing, and then blown away by her reaction, was what brought him there. 

“Look at me”, she whispered, her eyes open now again, “don't stop now. Quinn, I-”

He felt her around him, her eyes shining, a gorgeous smile, and then she laughed, threw her head back and made those sweet sounds again, and he felt himself shooting into her, time slowed and it felt like it wouldn't ever stop, Carrie still moving, irregular now, and it was so good.

“Quinn,” Carrie sighed and let herself sink forward on his chest, his arms wrapped around her now.

He was still inside her, another jolt of pleasure when she moved, and then they finally stilled, her face buried in the curve between his neck and shoulder.

“I love you,” she whispered, still out of breath, “so much.”

She stayed there, on his chest, and he held her tight, that precious time with her being all that mattered for now.

After a while Carrie raised her head and placed a soft kiss on his mouth, and then came to lie next to him.

“Hey,” she smiled, and he thought that nothing had ever make him as happy as seeing her smile.

“See, I survived,” he quipped, having to cough just then.

“Barely. You okay?”

He had to sit up, but then it was better.

“Your lungs make an awful sound. You sure that this is _fine_?”

“Way to kill a mood, I know. Yeah, I’m fine. My meds should be due soon, I’ll sound less like a steam train then.”

He rolled back on his side to look at her.

“If I get up to get them, will you promise to not move an inch?”

“Deal.”

She was curled on her side under his blanket when he came back, moving a little towards the opposite end of the mattress to make more room for him.

“What time is it?”

“Half past four.”

“They said we should expect them back around six thirty. They’ll bring Chinese for dinner.”

She snuggled herself against him, placing a kiss on his collarbone, her hand lying loosely on his waist.

His eyes went to the candle on the window sill, thinking about what this day was about.

Feeling him moving, Carrie adjusted her own position and her gaze followed his eyes.

“You didn't owe him anything, you know that right?”, she said quietly.

“I know.”

“But?”

“It's just - it's such a waste. I wonder why anyone would want to live such a life. With such a pattern of harming people who come to close to you.”

“I don't know. I guess he wasn't born that way. No one is. Maybe he never learnt to be a good person. To care. To love. To make decent choices.”

“You don't think I’ll turn out the same way?”

“No,” indignation was apparent in her voice and he knew she’d sit up to give him a stern look if he hadn't had her snug in his arm, “of course not.”

“I don't think so either. I learnt that much. But-”

“But?”

“What she did, or he did, or they, that sent out cracks in every direction, all the way through my life, past, present and future. It feels like I’ll never know who I would have been if-”

“I don't believe that,” Carrie interrupted him, biting her lip when she realized it was his turn to talk.

“And I wonder what would’ve been different if they had been different.”

“That's highly hypothetical.”

“Of course it is.”

“It's the nature versus nurture debate.”

“Uhm?”

“It’s about whether personality is determined by the environment or by a person's genes.”

“So I am a hard case.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because it's about my genes _and_ the question how a different environment would've made me different.”

“Well, I won the gene lottery.”

“But you are always you.”

“I think we can make our own choices, and it's not just nature or nurture, but _more_. I don't want to think that we ourselves have no say in how we turn out. That would be a depressing philosophy.”

“So what _do_ you think,” Quinn asked, curious to hear what she had to say.

“There’s always a choice to make. There's never just one option. And we ourselves make these choices. You decided to change and went through the year in Flintstone. Against all odds. Statistics probably would have give you small chances, foster kid, some status offences, hot wiring and stealing cars, no regular school for quite some time. And yet you succeed. Because you chose to change your life. So that's what I think: we can make choices.”

“I think I made some pretty good choices then,” Quinn said, slightly bending his head to kiss Carrie’s temple.

“You did?”

“You’re fishing for compliments and I won't fall for that,” he teased, smiling down at her.

And with that she nestled herself up against him, and shortly later he drifted off, sleeping sound when Carrie carefully climbed out of the bed an hour later. 

She managed to shower, dress and take Murphy for a walk before the adults came back, and was back upstairs just in time to wake him up when the car pulled up in the driveway.

“Quinn. Quinn. They're back. Dinner. Come downstairs or do you want me to tell them you're asleep?”

“Well, now I’m not.”

“Sorry.”

She managed to look sheepish.

“It's fine. I won't let you face the curious parents situation alone. Probably should get dressed though.”

Carrie giggled when he fished for his boxers and pants, while she heard garage door opening

“I set the table, switched on the lights, set up some music and put my book on the couch.”

“Great cover. But Carrie?”

She turned in the door, looking at him pulling his long sleeve over his head, his hair standing at ends in brown unruly tufts.

“Yes?”

“They _know_ what we used the day for - book and music or not.”

“Well, we _did_ read.”

“Yeah, _that_ too.”

He kissed her nose, pulled his pants up, and then she went downstairs first, hurrying into the kitchen and filling Murphy's bowl just when Audrey and her father entered the kitchen.

\------------------------

It had been a small service, at a funeral home’s hall. Just a handful of people. _They lived a lonely life_ , that was how Frank phrased it when they told Carrie and Quinn about the day.

Frank noticed his daughter’s hand moving over to Quinn’s hand and holding it, both of their hands resting together on Quinn’s thigh then, when he went on telling them the few things they’d learnt today.

“Fiona won’t come here again”, Audrey added when Frank had finished, “but she gave us her number and said she’d be glad should you ever consider giving her a call.”

Quinn just shrugged, and Carrie knew he didn't like being the centre of attention so she suggested to her father that they should leave soon but offered to take out Murphy first, just to the next corner.

Quinn followed her, already grabbing his parka when she reached for his hand and stopped his movement.

“I think your temperature is going back up again. You should go to bed. I’ll take Murphy.”

She stepped closer and rested her head against his chest for a brief moment.

“I wish you could stay,” Quinn stated with a low voice.

“I know. Me too. So get better soon and you can stay with me next weekend.”

“Will I see you before that?”

“Tomorrow. We need to finish that book.”

That made him huff a laugh, and she went up on her toes and kissed him briefly good night and then she left, and he went to the kitchen window and watched her walking down the road.

Frank entered the room shortly after and stepped next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You can go to bed now. Her old Dad will make sure she gets home safely.”

“Thank you for doing this for me today,” Quinn said, his voice a little hoarse again, whether it was the cold or something else - Frank didn't know.

Frank turned and hugged the much younger man and with a last look towards the street, where Carrie already was on her way back, Murphy prancing around her legs, Quinn finally left the room and went upstairs, falling into a deep and dreamless sleep shortly after.

\------------------

Carrie joined Frank in his study when they were back home, and they listened to Maria Callas - the only La Traviata studio recording from 1953 - while Frank was enjoying a sip of whisky.

“He’s lucky to have you,” Frank said after Violetta’s forceful _Sempre libera_ , looking at Carrie who sat on the couch, her head resting on her pulled up knees.

“That goes both ways, Dad. I’m lucky to have him too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to SNQA ❤️!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Date and happy times, mostly.

They went to Sandy Point once more the Saturday before Quinn was allowed to go back to school. It was Carrie‘s idea and he knew she wanted to give that place some more good memories after all the drama which had unfolded there during the last weeks. Quinn saw her struggling during the long weeks of winter, and he felt bad that he had added another layer of sorrow to the burden Carrie already had to carry. He learnt that depression was a far more common risk for Carrie than manic episodes - as long as she took her meds. And he swore to himself to keep his shit together from now on and be there for her, instead of making her worry about him. Recovery from his pneumonia took time, he was still out of breath rather quickly, going for a run still wasn’t an option, but after almost four weeks he was allowed to start school again on Monday.

It was a cold and sunny day, the light dancing on the waves, and they had to laugh when Murphy tried to catch the foam topping some waves. 

They took a long walk, but made two breaks, drinking hot apple juice from a thermos while Carrie sat in Quinn‘s lap.

She laughed when he gently kissed her ear, added a moment of grating teeth at the shell of her ear, and turned her head to kiss - exactly as expected.

„I‘d like to come back in the summer,“ Quinn suggested.

„Is that so?“, with a suggestive undertone and a raised eyebrow, „day or night?“

„Day. And then stay into the night... no winter parka...,“ his voice trailed off and they kissed once more.

„Bikini or no bikini?“ Carrie asked between kisses.

„During daytime... dunno... you tell me,“ he teased her but she was having none of it and pushed him back to lie flat in the sand, her slender form on top of him now.

„It’s not a nudists‘ beach. So you‘ll have to wait until dark.“

„And then?“

She kissed him and didn’t answer right away but the kiss was too good to be interrupted for further inquiries. Long and lingering, deepening when he parted his lips for her, and yet not long enough.

„Swimming naked.“

„Now? It’s really cold.“

„Nah. Dork. No, in summer.“

„Oh.“

He managed to mock disappointment and that earned him another kiss, shorter but still good.

„No Murphy that day,“ she whispered and briefly pressed her hips against him suggestively, just in case he had difficulties to imagine what she was talking about, „just you and me.“

„I‘d like that. All of it.“

She smiled down at him and kissed him once more, and he thought that having something in his life which was so good and so stable that he could make plans for half a year later was the greatest gift he‘d ever received.

And he had plans. And thinking about his plans made him restless and excited.

But this here, now, was too good to be finished too soon, so he indulged in another kiss before he sat up, folding Carrie to sit squarely in his lap again while doing so.

„I‘d like to take you out tonight.“

„Seeing a movie?“

„No. Dinner. Italian if you don’t want to go somewhere else.“

That was new. They‘d never done that before. 

„What’s the occasion?“

„Do we need one? I just felt like it’s time.“

That wasn’t the full truth but good enough. 

„Where are we going?“

„Somewhere nice.“

„That’s mysterious.“

„Wanna know?“

„No. I like that,“ she smiled, and Quinn knew it was the right thing - albeit he‘d never asked a girl out for dinner before. Maybe he should have done that sooner, he thought.

——————

When they arrived back in Arlington it was late afternoon and the Mathison home was empty. They found a note on the kitchen table, Frank had joined a colleague for a bowling night and wouldn’t be back before late evening.

Quinn wanted to follow Carrie upstairs as usual but she turned on the first step and made him stop.

„No. If you want to take me out, I need an hour alone, to get ready.“

Even with Carrie standing on the stairs he was still taller than her and had to bend his head to kiss her.

„I was hoping we still had some time-,“ he muttered against her cheek.

„It was your idea,“ she laughed as she left and ran upstairs, and Quinn loved that she was in such a good mood.

She came back downstairs about forty-five minutes later, just after he himself changed his sweater for the blue shirt Audrey had given him for Christmas, with a card saying it was for taking Carrie out to a play in Washington. That would be in a few weeks, but today was a similar occasion. He even tried to sort his hair with some wax-like stuff, and wasn’t sure about the outcome. 

But seeing Carrie coming down the stairs in a dark blue knit dress, her legs in matching blue tights and dark blue ballerinas, her hair down and apparently freshly washed and dried, made him forget about his own hair.

But Carrie gave him a once over, and he liked that she smiled and apparently liked what she saw. 

And suddenly he felt less nervous. He‘d never been to such a restaurant before, and the choice had been Andrew‘s, Quinn had overheard Andrew telling Audrey that he had taken Becky there about two weeks ago.

Quinn had made a reservation and had been at the restaurant two days before, just to have a look. 

Carrie wouldn’t mind if he‘d tell her he‘d never had dinner in a real restaurant but he didn’t want this evening to be about his past.

And it was perfect. The food was great, Carrie was glowing, she smiled and laughed often, their knees were touching under the table, and she took his hand between courses.

„You‘ll have to roll me home. I‘m stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.“

„A beautiful turkey.“

„You think lame compliments will be rewarded?“

Quinn leant forward and fake whispered his answer.

„Yes, I think so.“

She smiled and closed her hand around his once more, and he knew this was the perfect moment.

„I‘ve been thinking. And I want you to listen to me.“

Carrie gave a silent nod, still smiling.

„What would you think about traveling through Europe in summer? Would you like that? You think your Dad would allow that?“

„You and me?“

He could see she liked the idea, exactly as he‘d expected her to.

„You and me“, he nodded, „we both work, we saved enough money, or will before then, and they have train tickets for a full month for all Europe. Traveling is not that expensive there. There are even night trains. And we could take a tent and-,“ he paused, seeing that Carrie wanted to say something.

„What do you want to see?“

„Everything.“

That earned him another laugh, and a spoonful of her Tiramisu.

„So Italy?“

„Yes. And France.“

„I want to go to Spain.“

„Good.“

„What about Germany?“, she asked.

„Too cold. I want summer. Unless you really want to go.“

„Nah. Greece?“

„Yes.“

„Croatia?“

„Comes mandatory with Greece if want to go by train.“

„You figured it all out, huh?“

„I had lots of time when I was home sick.“

„How long do you want to go?“

„As long as your Dad allows us to go.“

„I think the only risk is that he’ll want to join us“, Carrie quipped, offering him another spoon of the sweet treat, „Italy is a lifelong dream for him.“

„I want us to do nice things“, Quinn said, his voice sober and quiet now, „things which make us happy. After everything that happened.“

„Hey“, Carrie took his hand, „I was happy. Every single day since we met. You know the few exceptions. And the reasons. And I _am_ happy.“

„I know. But I want us to see the world and do things we love.“

„I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my summer than traveling with you. That’s definitely a way to make me happy“, she smiled, still holding his hand, „but we can’t take Murphy with us, can we?“

„No“, that was indeed the only downside, „but Audrey said she‘ll take care of him.“

„You already spoke with them?“, Carrie’s eyebrows went up, mirroring the surprise in her voice.

„I did. Yes“, Quinn sighed.

„What did they say?“

„They support the idea.“

„But?“

„Counseling. Minimum until summer. Twice a week.“

Carrie was about to answer but he interrupted her before she could talk.

„Not now, Carrie. Please. Tell me what you‘d like to see in France.“

It had been a long talk with Audrey and Robert, several talks to be honest, two of these involving his case worker, and in the end he had agreed in seeing a family counselor once a week. Talking about his childhood. And there would be extra family sessions with Audrey and Robert.

And when he‘d brought up his ideas for next summer a few days ago, they‘d promised him he would be allowed to go - if he would not miss a single session until then.

Carrie looked at him, and decided not to pressure him, he‘d tell her later.

„The town where Van Gogh lived. Arles.“

„Not Paris?“

„Everyone wants to see Paris.“

„So we go to Paris and Arles?“

„And the Atlantic coast. Just imagine, it’s the same ocean we‘ve been to today. We will travel hours and hours and it will be the same ocean.“

They spent another hour making plans for their trip, holding hands and smiling at each other, and when Carrie excused herself to the bathroom for a moment, Quinn used her absence to settle the bill.

„You shouldn’t do that“, Carrie offered when she noticed, „we could share.“

„No“, his arm went around her shoulder as they stepped outside and walked over to the restaurant‘s parking area, „I wanted to invite you. I know I‘ve been - let’s just say, I wanted to thank you. For being who you are. And for never giving up on me.“

It had started to snow again and he pulled her close, so that they were facing each other now.

„So thank you“, he breathed and bent down to kiss her, just short and sweet, „I love you.“

„I love _you_.“

——————————

They came home late and had stopped at their usual spot, a secluded parking area near the banks of Potomac, close to the bridge to Theodore Roosevelt Island. But this time not just for some stolen minutes of a private goodbye before parting but for a nightly walk through the snow along the river, Carrie in a pair of boots she kept in the trunk, for once, time not being important as Quinn would spent the night at Carrie‘s home.

It was a magical night, she thought, their plans marking the threshold to a new phase of their relationship. That they suddenly _could_ make plans. That they were talking about the future and not the past. And that it would be just them, for four weeks, travelling through Europe and being together, making memories. She smiled when she thought how they‘d speak about it a few years later, their first real vacation together. Quinn looked at her that moment and seeing her so content made him feel a tingling sensation deep inside. He didn’t ask what she was thinking about because he thought he knew. But he stopped and pulled her in for another kiss, long and lingering, both of them indulging in anticipation as they were going to have all night together. 

Carrie had no idea if it was always and for everyone like it was for them. It had all been new to her and often still was, and they still took it slow, never rushing into new things just because. But being with Quinn, expressing their love _that_ way, carefully exploring more and more, was something she didn’t want to miss anymore, and often a kiss or a glance were enough to ignite that longing for each other.

She knew it was the same for Quinn, and she loved that only she knew that side of him. How tender he was, how devoted to make it good for her, how much he enjoyed being with her, and how close she felt to him afterwards. These were the moments when she learnt what still hurt him and when he shared his dreams and hopes with her.

And she loved seeing and feeling him when he lost himself with her, trusting him completely when it was about her, knowing he loved these moments too.

There hadn’t been much opportunity over the last weeks of his recovery though, Audrey was home much more often than her father, and she kept bringing tea or food upstairs or was rummaging around in the hallway. They often had to suppress laughter when they heard her coming upstairs again, assuming she probably knew _exactly_ what she did.

But they‘d played along, sitting on the floor and doing the homework Quinn‘s friends had dropped for him earlier that week.

But tonight they‘d have enough time and privacy, as long as they didn’t get too loud - which sometimes could be challenging, Carrie thought, amused. 

And then she stopped thinking because Quinn deepened the kiss and she felt his hands sneaking under her coat, cupping her ass and slightly lifting her off the ground to press her closer.

„Let’s get you home and out of that coat,“ he sighed when they separated, but then he covered her mouth with another kiss, his tongue parting her lips and meeting hers and Carrie wished they already were home right now.

 

Frank‘s car was in the driveway but the house was dark, indicating that he was already asleep.

There was another note on the kitchen counter, saying that Frank had been for a long walk with Murphy in the evening, and the puppy only raised his head briefly to greet them and then went back to doggy dreamland.

So they walked upstairs, trying to avoid the creaking floorboard on the first landing, and when they reached Carrie’s room and she wanted to switch the lights on Quinn reached for her hand and stopped her.

„Don’t“, he said quietly and then he kissed her again while lifting her and carrying her to the bed.

„I can’t tell you how much I missed you“, he sighed between kisses, „and how often I‘ve been thinking about _this_ last night,” he lowered her onto the mattress and placed himself on top of her, his weight on his elbows.

„Too long?“

„Too long“, he sighed, sealing her mouth with a kiss which made her lose herself.

„God. Carrie“, Quinn whispered after a while, the hard bulge against her thigh a telltale sign of his own arousal.

He sat up and looked down on her, her slender form in the dark soft dress a contrast to the white bedsheets. There was just enough light in the room to see her eyes and the contours of her face, and he traced the curve of her lips with his thumb, feeling a pleasant shiver when Carrie parted her lips and gently started sucking, her nibbling teeth and the tip of her tongue adding to his excitement.

„You‘d like to do that again?“

His voice was low, and yet she heard the slight quiver in it, loving that she could do this to him.

Carrie slowly sucked once more and then smiled when she let go of him, wrapping her arms around the nape of his neck to pull him closer again.

„If you‘d like that...“, her voice trailed off suggestively, but she slipped her hand into the back of his shirt, feeling how her touch elicited goosebumps.

But then Quinn sat up and moved to the bottom of her mattress, his hands travelling upwards from her knees to her thighs, slipping under the hem of her dress.

She felt his thumbs against her pelvis and then his fingers hooking under the waistband, lowering her tights, sending her into a state of yearning right away.

He caressed her legs as he slowly pulled her stockings down, and when they were gone, his large hands steadily traveled north again, skimming over warm skin, edging the hem of her skirt further and further upwards.

His thumbs reached her underwear, his eyes flying to her face, amazed, and then he pulled the cotton brief down, steadying his breath while thinking about what was to come.

He didn’t undress her further, nor did he take his own clothes off, and the urgency added to Carrie’s immense pleasure when he lowered himself between her legs, large hands holding her hips as he kissed the inner side of her thigh, soft and delicate skin leading him to her centre.

This time she didn’t feel embarrassed but simply enjoyed what Quinn did to her, feeling his lips and tongue regaling her with sweet pleasure. He didn’t tease her for too long but found the right spot and stayed there, her hand in his hair and the soft moans she made guiding him.

It was pure bliss, she wanted to move but couldn’t, he was holding her with both hands, his tongue making quick laps now, and she felt it coming, massive and so good.

„Don’t stop now“, she moaned, pressing her pelvis against his hands, trying to get closer, more friction, more - she was there, he could feel her body shivering against his mouth, tasted her, heard those whimpers which always made him want to have her, and he didn’t stop, slower now, making her gasp and shiver once more.

He stilled, feeling her fragile body in his hands, aroused beyond words by witnessing Carrie giving herself to him, uninhibited and passionate.

Coming up on his hands and knees he smiled down at her, a strand of his hair falling across his forehead.

Carrie reached up and smoothed it away, her touch soft.

„Hey“, he smiled, smitten by the love and joy he saw in her eyes.

„Last thing I knew was that I was offering to do this for you.“

„You did. But I was faster.“

„I can’t move right now. You‘ll have to wait a little longer.“

And it was true, her body felt still limp and spent, sweetly exhausted after what Quinn just had given her.

„I could help you to undress, for starters“, he suggested, the corners of his eyes crinkled from his smile.

„How about _you_ undress, too?“, Carrie suggested when he carefully pulled the knit dress over her head.

Her eyes followed him when he got up and unbuttoned his shirt and a moment later he was back on the bed with her, both of them naked now, Carrie in his arms.

She started softly caressing him, her eyes closed while she still enjoyed her afterglow, just a feather-like touch, her fingertips slowly trailing along his length. When she finally encircled him and added a little more pressure to her touch, Quinn couldn’t suppress a moan, causing Carrie to breathe a laugh.

„You‘ve been patient“, she mumbled against his chest, her hand gliding down and then up again.

She kissed him and rose on her knees, looming above him for a moment, and then she moved to crouch between his legs, flashing him a smile.

She stabilized herself with one hand on his hip and Quinn felt his cock twitching with anticipation. 

„Guide me, will you?“

And then she went down on him, her mouth engulfing him, his hand in her hair, his other hand briefly caressing her cheek, and then she took him in deeper, paused for a second to adjust to the still new sensation, and then he felt her tongue gliding all the way up, swirling around the head, and then down again.

Staying silent was difficult enough, not making any sound was impossible.

Carrie moved slowly, built a careful rhythm, receptive to his silent moans, feeling what he liked most. It was slow and soft, warm and wet, his hand was just following her movements, no pressure, he let her lead and followed her.

He raised his head and looked at her, their eyes met for a moment before he laid back against the pillow again and his hips started surging, meeting her cadence.

Quinn thrusted once, cautiously, and Carrie hummed around him, he felt the vibration. He thrusted again, and he was gone, he was off into the careening nowhere. It was this, only this, only her, he was lost. He fell into an ecstatic infinity, losing, lost, undone.

And Carrie stayed with him, he still could feel her, her lips, her tongue, her hands, she swallowed and kept moving, even slower now, guiding him through all of it until he gently cupped her cheek and nudged her away. 

Carrie crawled up and came to lie next to him, he clutched her to his chest as tightly as he could, feeling her skin pressed against the length of his body, his leg wrapped around hers to shelter her.

Carrie felt his heart beating against her breast, still at a rapid clip, and she enjoyed these endless moments of closeness and utter contentment, just being with him, when nothing else mattered.

It was only a little while later, when they finally and reluctantly got up once more and got ready for the night, crawling under the blankets again, Quinn spooning Carrie from behind, his hand covering hers.

„Let’s talk tomorrow“, Carrie mumbled, feeling half asleep already.

„Yeah“, Quinn sighed and kissed her shoulder, and a moment later they were both asleep.

—————————

Family counseling was no fun at all. Nor were the sessions Quinn had to do alone. But he knew the deal, and so he went there, to each and every appointment. He didn’t like to talk about it, but once Carrie knew his sessions alone were on Monday afternoons she was always there afterwards, waiting opposite of the building until he came out.

The first time, when Quinn didn’t know she‘d be there, he didn’t see her and walked in the opposite direction. Seeing him looking so tired, his expression closed and withdrawn, his hands buried in his parka, made her heart ache.

She followed him and caught up with him after a few steps, reaching for his arm to make him slow down a little.

„Hi.“

„What?,“ his eyes darted towards her when she touched his elbow, „Carrie. What are you doing here?“

But then his facial features softened, and when she slipped her hand into his coat pocket, he took it and gave it a squeeze.

„Picking you up. Walking you home or wherever you need to go now“, she answered his question.

„Walking home, short stroll with Murphy, late shift then.“

His voice was still tense but Carrie had made a deal with herself not to push him to tell her anything, so she just walked with him, trying a lighter tone.

„I‘ll come with you and Murphy, you can walk me back to my car and then I‘ll drop you off or you can walk back alone.“

They walked in silence, Quinn lost in thoughts and Carrie hoping to be at least some kind of support for him, suddenly feeling lost and lonely.

It was when they crossed the park on their way back to town that Quinn finally sighed and stopped, wrapping one arm around her shoulder to pull her close.

„I‘m sorry. It’s good to see you.“

Carrie silently nodded, and went on the tip of her toes for a brief kiss.

„You can tell me. If you want.“

„I know. And I will want to tell you. But not now. Tomorrow?“

Tuesday afternoons were still their time together and they made sure to never miss it again after their fight early in December.

She kissed his cheek, once, and then once more.

„Sure.“

They spoke about other things - school, homework, Murphy - and when it was time for Carrie to leave, Quinn felt much better than those ninety minutes earlier when he‘d stepped out of the family service‘s building.

—————————-

Quinn was glad that Audrey and Robert didn’t ask too often how his sessions went. 

But when he came to see Carrie on one Tuesday and she wasn’t home yet, Frank brought up the topic while they were having coffee together.

„How is it going?“, Frank asked him without beating around the bush.

Quinn sighed, and stirred his coffee.

„I never commented on your little adventure,“ Frank referred to the trip which had caused his pneumonia, „but I think it’s good that you address these things now.“

„Things. Yeah.“

„Issues. Problems. Fuck ups.“

„Fucked up works“, Quinn gave in.

„It’s hard, I know,“ Frank‘s voice had a warm tone and suddenly Quinn thought how it had been this man‘s determination which had started all the changes in his life and had finally brought him here.

„It’s okay. I mean, I get that it’s necessary.“

„What do you talk about?“

„My issues. Why it fucks me up so much that she came back. Other stuff. Coping techniques.“

„Quinn, I never said this to you and I probably shouldn’t…,“ Frank paused for a beat, „but I got why you did what you did on that day. She shouldn’t have come. And I don’t know if I‘d been able to react differently. So don’t see this as any kind of punishment. It’ll do you good.“

„You think so? Really?”

Frank looked at the young man sitting opposite to him whose expression was suddenly so vulnerable and - hopeful. Hoping for being understood, Frank thought, feeling a wave of sympathy.

„I do. These issues, all psych issues are like demons; you can’t see them, but they can profoundly affect you. Everyone has his or her own demons, and for some, those demons are _more active_ than for others. And talking about it can help.“

Quinn didn’t answer and they finished their coffee in silence but it didn’t feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite.

Quinn still thought about Frank’s words when Carrie came home shortly after and he followed her to her room, glad to see her.

It was when they’d settled on her bed, in a close embrace, just enjoying each other’s proximity, that he asked her a question which had been on his mind for some time.

„Can I ask you something?“

„Sure.“

Quinn hesitated a moment, knowing his question would probably upset her.

„They say I should contact her. Meet her. At least one more time.“

Carrie didn’t answer, her mind racing, feeling Quinn’s large hand warm on her back.

„Hey,“ he snuggled closer and kissed her forehead, „I‘m sorry.“

„It’s fine. Really. Just trying to sort my thoughts.“

So he waited, caressing her back, all kinds of conflicting thoughts flying through his own mind.

When she finally spoke her voice was low and she chose her words carefully.

“I think you should consider that. What do you think?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. How would that do any good? She never- and now just because she tried to come back into my life and _decided_ it’s time to remember she has a kid-“

“Stop being angry.”

Carrie sat up, freeing herself from his embrace, and looked at him with a stern expression on her face.

“It’s not about me,” but her face softened when she placed her hand on his arm and yet he felt a sense of loss now as she wasn’t so close anymore.

“No”, Quinn sat up and ran his fingers through his hair, always a signal of him feeling stress, “sorry. I didn’t mean to… it’s just… I just don’t know Carrie. Would you want to meet your mother?”

Carrie turned her head away from him and looked out of the window. Spring made the days finally longer again, so the late afternoon wasn’t dark yet, and the tree in front of her window would blossom soon.

“That’s not the same”, she said, talking in the direction of the window, and something in her voice told him that they were on difficult ground.

“I know.”

“But yes. I’d like to talk to her.”

“What would you want to say?”

“I don’t know. _Why_ maybe. _Make me understand_ or _How could you_? _Am I really that horrible, Mom?_ _Couldn’t you even say goodbye or call once?_ Something like that, I think.”

Quinn heard the tears in her voice and slipped closer, winding an arm around her shoulder, glad when Carrie leant in.

“These are all good questions,” he said quietly, “and I’m sorry.”

“No. It’s okay. I _want_ you to talk to me.”

“That’s what I do.”

“I know.”

Carrie turned and he saw tears shimmering in her eyes but she wasn’t crying yet and tried to give him a small smile.

Caressing her cheek, Quinn kissed her, short and tender.

“Want to hear what I really think?,” Carrie asked, taking one of his hands in hers, waiting for him to nod.

“It’s in your head. And it will mess with you until you see her. Even if it’s just for closure. But you are too good a person to cut ties without reaching out to her at least once. It might not stop the pain but you can tell yourself that you did what they told you and that this is closure. That’s what I think.”

“C’mere you.”

Quinn pulled her with him to lie down on her bed again, Carrie snuggled in his arm again, her face buried in his sweater.

“Thank you. You’re probably right.”

“So you’ll call her?”

“I don’t know yet. But I’ll consider it.”

They were silent for a long time then, each of them pondering over what life had thrown at them.

“I wished you could stay here tonight,” Carrie sighed after a while, feeling loved and comforted in his arms.

“I can’t do that,” Quinn said regretfully, “I need to go home by ten-ish. Want me to stay here until you sleep?”

“Yes. Please.”

Not long after Carrie was ready for bed and back in his arms again, he was spooning her from behind, his nose buried in her hair, their fingers interlaced while their hands rested on Carrie’s pillow.

Quinn felt her relaxing and her breath evening out, and he wished he could stay.

He let his mind wander, musing about a time not too far away when they might live together and have _this_ every night. He wondered how that would be. And knew that he’d do everything to get there.

Carrie felt his steady presence on her back, his body sheltering her, feeling secure and loved. Talking about her mother had stirred a sadness she didn’t like to feel. They didn’t talk a lot about Ellen at home, it was a topic for which she and Frank had settled on not touching upon too often. More or less never.

She didn’t want to make her father sad. And what was the point? Ellen was gone.

Quinn knew she was probably thinking about her mother and felt bad for having reminded her about that clusterfuck.

But then Carrie turned and wiggled herself closer into his embrace, searching and finding his mouth for a kiss.

“Hey,” she whispered, “can we stop thinking about it? And just be together?”

She was wearing PJ bottoms and a soft shirt, no bra, and when his hand slipped under the fabric to skim along the soft skin of her back Carrie sighed and met him for a kiss.

Quinn moved his hand along her ribcage when Carrie parted her lips for him; their tongues met while he was softly dragging his fingertips over the side of her naked breast. Encouraged by the sweet sigh she elicited, he cupped her breast and started gently kneading it, feeling her nipple getting hard against his palm.

It still blew his mind, each and every time, that he could do this with her. That his touch made her feel _this_ , that she was craving more, that she was waiting for him to give _more_.

They undressed at a dreamy pace, caressing each inch of skin revealed, Carrie slipping her hand into his boxers as soon as his jeans were gone, a short tickle and then her palm, too soft, too slow, and yet so good.

“You like that?”

“What kind of question is that?”, Quinn deadpanned, arousal clouding his mind in the most pleasurable way.

“Just making sure. Cause I like that a lot. Touching you. Kissing you. Loving you. Making love to you,” Carrie whispered, her hand giving him a squeeze, just firm enough, and just so _good_ , “and I want you to want me. Need me. Love me.”

“I do. I will. So much.”

Carrie loved the feeling of the silky skin against her palm, his quiet moans when she wrapped her hand around him, feeling her own arousal as a tingle of excitement when Quinn slipped his hand between her legs.

He brought himself above her, his weight on his elbows, when his boxers were gone, slowly pushing into her.

They started slow and tender, their own way to tell each other wordlessly what they were for each other, filling their need to love and to be loved.

Carrie’s hands laid palms up next to her head and she let Quinn lead, her body following his movements while enjoying his strength. 

He looked down on her and their eyes locked when he closed his hand around one wrist and moved it above her head, feeling a rush of excitement when Carrie moved the other arm up so he could reach around both wrists with one hand.

“Carrie…,” his breathing hitched and Carrie smiled, mirth, love and joy reflecting in her eyes.

“Just hold me”, she sweetly encouraged him, her eyes shining with all kinds of emotion.

Seeing his hand wrapped around her much smaller wrists and feeling her body caught beneath him sent an erotic shiver down his spine, making him want to push into her faster.

“Do that again,” she breathed after his next, harder stroke and when he did, he knew he’d be gone in no time.

Feeling Carrie clenching around him, hearing her gasp when he moved into her faster and more forceful made him thrust into her again, not holding back anymore, Carrie’s body receiving him while he kept her hands in his firm grip.

Knowing she could trust him with _everything_ made Carrie surrender, she just let go and allowed herself to feel and enjoy Quinn’s desire for her, for having her, pushing into her faster and deeper now, each stroke rubbing exactly the right spot for her too, his ragged breathing and moans telling her how much he enjoyed this. Enjoying his superiority, she wasn’t far from being _there_ herself, and when he collapsed on her chest, his mouth hot on her neck, pushing into her one last time with a suppressed groan, she felt her own orgasm washing over her, leaving her breathless.

“What you do to me,” Quinn sighed and then nothing for a very long time, both of them enjoying their slow descent, each gentle movement causing another sweet rush of pleasure.

Quinn released her wrists, the tips of his fingers trailing down the soft skin at the inside of her arms. Carrie left her hands where they were a second longer, feeling a moment of loss when he removed the warm restraint. 

Rolling off her body and to her side, Quinn gathered her in his arms and when Carrie tilted her head up to look at him, they met for a tender kiss, lips and tongues connecting once more for the night.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Hmmmm,” Carrie hummed, pleasantly exhausted, her body feeling tired and spent.

“You really liked that too?”, Quinn asked, his voice still husky.

“What do you think?”, Carrie giggled, opening her eyes to cast a glance in his direction.

“You didn’t seem _not_ to like it.”

“Understatement.”

They both smiled, and Quinn reached for her shirt, kissing her forehead and cupping her cheek before he handed it to her.

“I gotta leave soon.”

“I know.”

“Well, last time I said good night to you kind of got us sidetracked…”

“Are you complaining?”, Carrie mocked an indignant tone.

“Not at all. Never,” Quinn chuckled.

They settled under the covers, Carrie curled up against his chest, and soon she felt herself drifting off.

About an hour later, when she was sound asleep, he kissed her cheek, freed himself and slipped silently out of her room, knowing he’d be home late and in trouble - but it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more. Not ready to let them go.


End file.
